All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category

CANADA OFFERS TO SHARE THANKSGIVING

(Badger, MN) In a gesture to the incoming Biden Administration, Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau has offered to lend Canadian Thanksgiving to its neighbors to the south in 2021.

That holiday, which is celebrated on October 11 up north, is pretty close to the American version especially if one substitutes poutine for nachos, hockey for football or a Caesar for a Bloody Mary.

“The country got screwed out of the only holiday that is real anymore, the only one that isn’t hyped out of its bright red holiday suspenders,” said a statement from Ottawa. “We simply want to show solidarity and give them options so as to facilitate the season’s celebrations.

Both countries expressed hope that the virus would no longer be an issue by next fall and that the US could again make use of its own longstanding day of thanks.

Many here expressed gratitude saying that they did feel robbed of a joyous Thanksgiving this year. Some insist that establishing a surrogate date lends stability in a world of black and white surprises on both sides of the border. Others think the matter is completely absurd.

Traditional feasting, watching football, tending the fire and dreaming about the coming holidays are not the heart of the celebration. It is the warmth of family that we crave. This year many people have been absent with gatherings cancelled due to virus concerns.

Some ignore precautions and continue to fight over drumsticks and mask wearing while others readily rely on vaccines and the government to save us.

It was not clear if Washington would offer The Commonwealth any of its holidays on loan in 2021. Non-franchise “festival dates” such as Colombus Day, was sold to Italy in 2019, and April Fool’s Day, scuttled by lies and mistruths, are no longer on the butcher block. Religious observations were not part of the conversation at the time of this writing.

– Fred Zeppelin

The Tarzan and Jane Dialogues

“Oysters or Chestnuts?”

Brought to you this and every Saturday morning in glorious black and white by O’Hara’s Gourmet Elephant Breath Mints and Monkey Calming Ointment. You can trust O’Hara’s, the maker of Albino Pink Eye Formula #299, now accepted by the USDA as a caffeine substitute. One million wildebeests can’t be wrong! Subscribe to our newsletter: www.mammalcreams.com.

The scene: A tree house in West Central Africa

Tarzan: Welcome local Apes and Orangutans from across the river and all the cousins from England.

Jane: Yes, indeed, we are all very happy that you have made the journey to our crowded tree house.

Tarzan: Yes…very happy.

Jane: Well, Tarzan, it’s time to carve the turkey.

Tarzan: Where my knife?

Jane: I have a special electric knife, dear. It is much easier.

Tarzan: But tree house have no electricity.

Jane: Please Tarzan; just go along this one time. Everyone is expecting us to be modern, up-to-date.

Tarzan: Tarzan throwback, not modern. Not like modern. Tarzan cooperative. Tarzan wear shirt. That enough.

Jane: Tarzan, you do the honors with the bird. Just cut along the dotted line…

Tarzan: Where dotted line?

Jane: It’s a joke, darling. There is no dotted line on poultry. Cheetah! Stop playing with your food and bring another bottle of palm wine, please.

Tarzan: Cheetah not playing with food. Monkey mashing bananas.

Jane: Whatever for? We have sweet potatoes, grilled eggplant, stuffed bird, cauliflower, rolls, pumpkin pie and giblet gravy.

Tarzan: Monkey waiting for gravy. She like to cover bananas in gravy.

Jane: Oh. Well, thank you all for coming. Let’s make a toast. Tarzan, could you see what’s taking Cheetah so long with the wine.

Tarzan: Monkey not real deep….like wine right out of the bottle, gravy on bananas and swinging in trees. Not much else.

Jane: Let us be thankful for all we have. Oh, and here comes the palm wine. What are a little gravy-soaked bananas among friends, heh?

–Lady Greystoke

FOOD: Cross-dressing your bird for the holidays.

It’s that wonderful time of the year again and we’re on the cutting edge that runs its fickle jagged line between tailored lines, gender faux pas, blatant foppery and gaudy plumage.

Bright and cheery outfits are popular and trending for most birds, the descendants of those known cloths horses, the dinosaurs. However real designer accessories can be difficult to secure leaving one’s perfectly stuffed and roasted turkey feeling quite naked, even in the company of top-hatted mashed potatoes and tuxedoed yams.

We suggest lose-fitting cheesecloth, solid vegetable patterns, giblet blends, floor-length drumsticks and basting…lots of basting.  The rest is just arm candy.         

Always remember: Even an educated turkey cannot fly and many still prefer polyester. Issues involving the separation of dark meat from white meat, as well as the use of yoga pants with leftovers, remain not nice conversations at the holiday table.

It can be like pulling feathers to get them to dress up any other time of the year with the possible exception of the Fourth of July.

Across the bird world parrots, puffins, starlings, ravens, Peruvian condors, Blue Amazon flummery and other less appetizing breeds do not do well in the oven or in the fashion arena. Raptors and birds of prey are uncooperative. But they can be convinced to cross-dress if they think it will disguise their real motives.

Next time: Fruitcake Yurts for Lent.

-Beth Kampachi

Turkey Lottery Cruel?

(Montrose) The proposed Turkey Lottery, slated for Thanksgiving 2021, has played to mixed revues and reactions here and in other rural communities across the Colorado.

Saying that the birds already encounter enough stress this time of the year, one critic of the concept called the measure inhumane. Supporters of the bill insist that it will create a sense of justice and put a vast segment of the turkey population out of harm’s way, for now.

Here’s how it will work: The birds are assigned numbers based on birthdays and then draw for positions relative to the holidays. Lower numbers will designate the dinner table while higher numbers will earn a reprieve for the year.

“It’s as fair as anything else,” said Dag Katz, architect of the lottery. “This way the condemned might get their lives in order before late November. The saved can go on without fear of the  swan song and a side of mashed potatoes and cranberries.”

Vegetarians were not consulted on this matter and plan to boycott the entire issue.

“What rubs my chops is that nobody has consulted the sweet potatoes or the yams,” said

continued Friday   

Ponder, fodder, scowl…Elections and such.

Capsulated from “What you were Better Off Not Knowing” by Marta Chaco

Question: Where do rats go after leaving a sinking ship?”

Answer: After a period of self-medicating, many become lobbyists.

By 2021 most politicians will be well past safe use expiration dates, clearly marked on left ear tag. Throwing them out is the first baby step toward establishing strict term limitations. Other “leaders” passed cut-off limits but embraced the cessation of chemical impact agendas and continued to show up at the Capitol. Elected officials found to be conducting business after calendar rendezvous engagement (CRE) could forfeit lifelong pensions, state-of-the-art health care, diplomatic impunity, secret cervix protection and free caviar on Fridays.

Bottle Shoot Canned Due to Lethal Climate

The 3rd Annual Foggy Bottom Bottle Shoot has been cancelled due to Corona virus, at least that’s the official announcement, according to sources under the dome.

Others insist that open hostility between Democrats and Republicans in the House, where many of the members are armed, will lead to violence.

Proponents of gun freedoms think that it’s OK to shoot adversaries while gun control advocates might make an acceptation to otherwise peaceful philosophies and pull the trigger.

DO YOU THINK THIS IS PART-ISAN OF THE PROBLEM?

2000 George W. Bush Reverses Clinton Guidelines

2008 Obama Terminates Bush decrees

2016 – Trump Abolishes Obama policies

2020 Biden Overturns Trump Executive Orders

2024?

“IT’S NOT EASY BEING GREEN.” -Kermit the Frog

Complimentary Edibles at Local Bank Riles Feds

Who’s On First National Bank is giving away loaded lollypops, cannabis cookies and gummy bears on Fridays despite complaints from the federal gov’ment and other fiscal monitoring on the part of Colorado.

The idea to expand the selection of a traditional fare has been a huge success according to loan officers, tellers and customers who say they often accumulate reasons for going into the lobby on Friday.

“Sometimes I deposit a dollar or two or withdraw money for the weekend,” said Larry Winde, of Deep Mesa. “I used to visit any old time but now I always wait until Friday to conduct my banking business.”

Tellers, who perhaps have the most direct contact with account holders, say they see happy, mellow customers whose sense of well-being begins when they hit the door.

“They rarely complain,” smiled one bank employee. “Many take longer than usual to fill out simple forms or linger in the shade of their safety deposit box,” quipped Salli Reign, who has worked at the bank for 40 years.

“Everyone is having a ball, FDIC and all,” she added, although people often forget to sign documents and have a habit of leaving personal items behind.”

– Rica Merluza

“It’s only when the tide goes out that you learn who has been swimming naked.” 

– Advice to investors from Warren Buffett.