All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category

Honorable called into question Congressional arena

A far-reaching citizen’s petition is calling for the title honorable to be dropped preceding Congressmen’s name until he or she is worthy of that distinction. At present elected officials are referred to as the honorable and yet they have done nothing admirable. They just won an election and flew to Washington.

The matter has forced its way to the forefront along with the burgeoning cases of distemper in the legislative halls. Today the governing body was handed a stern rebuke by the Sturgeon General who unequivocally condemned facial ticks and showing up for work in pajamas as unacceptable. He further warned of the ever-present existence of hairballs on Senate floors.

The petition seeks to draw attention to the rubber stamp mentality prevalent in all the veneration of rich people who have basically purchased seats in Congress. Supporters hope for high-level sponsorship and the passage of a bylaw in this regard.

Just last month citizen action committees succeeded in embarrassing Senate Republicans to vote on a bill to limit theft on poor although most abstained.

In a related development the Roman Catholic Church is considering changing the revered designation of father to a less austere uncle to be more in line with modern social movements and relationships. The final word is expected to drift down from the Vatican on Thursday.

“Birth is the ultimate entry level drug.”  – Baby Face Olsen

People will live on hot air balloons says seer

(Pitkin, CO) The Quartz Creek man credited with the invention of the composting bicycle helmet and a slew of alarming, yet spot on predictions, says a majority of people will be residing in helium balloons by the next decade.

Dr. Dutch Salamina, a recovering lecturer at Cal Polygamy, says his forecasts have fallen on deaf ears. His prediction, validated perhaps by dead- on, often unsettling prophecies, has been the butt of jokes on late night TV and virtually ignored by engineering and aeronautical experts.

Lest we forget Salamina envisaged the passive acceptance of organic calculation, the robotic embrace of nanotechnology, the stark descent to Second Dark Ages and the arrival of space aliens and their annoying dogs to Colorado and Utah.

According to the doctor life in a hot air balloon can be an effective redoubt against viruses, TV news, air pollution, idiot neighbors, political parties and the Internet. Cell phone use and fast food access will depend on local service and stench ordinances in force in the firmament.

He did not elaborate further.   

“A veces la ruta no exista.”   – Alejandro Murphy

Congress OKs cardboard cutout attendance

(Freeze-dried files-Soggy Bottom) Putting off what many consider more pressing legislation the US Senate today passed a less than steadfast attendance bill allowing cardboard cutouts to replace Congressmen in the House and Senate chambers.

Dubbing the action a safety precaution in the face of Coronavirus-19, backers of the decree insist that elected officials should be deferred from showing up to a poorly ventilated room where, despite social distancing and regular testing, threatens the well-being of the nation’s leaders.

“It will also free up elected officials to campaign, schmooze with donors and have lunch with lobbyists,” said Marigold Finn, who has been employed as an organic gardener at the Capitol since 1979.

“Just because the temporary president eats his meals out of a cardboard box doesn’t mean we should all follow suit,” she said.

Cardboard cut-outs are cleaner, safer but even more irrelevant say detractors who call the move “slothful, loathsome and seriously misleading.”

Although procedurally questionable the edict looks certain to become law.

“It’s a matter of national security and besides baseball is doing it,” said a hoax-monger from the Great Midwest. “Now what could be more American than that?”

Critics called the move “cosmetic and toothless at best” slamming this emerging modus operandi as “another attempt to distract the public just as the Congress votes on another pay raise next week.

One billionaire politician from Georgia says she’s only in it for the glory…and the money…and the benefits.

“I am honored to serve my country,” she murmured. “I can just catch up with any missed governing on C-Spam. All we have to do is show up in a tie or nice dress every so often. What’s the rub? It’s all partisan voting anyway”.

 – Steely Headlands

Solitaire Legend to Host Workshop

(Montrose)  A complimentary clinic conducted by solitaire great Pinky Diamond and sponsored by the Laser State Continuing Education Department will be held at the Montrose Pavilion on Tuesday, August 25 according to the Uncompahgre Lonely Hearts Club. The program, open to the public, will consist of seminars, an autograph session and footage of classic matches covering Diamond’s 48 years in solitaire.

A second session will be held at the Daughters of the American Rationalization Hall in Manana which will be invitation only and presented in conjunction with a cocktail reception and marginal dining experience.

“This may break the stranglehold that bingo has had on this community since World War I,” said Ginn Rooney, a one-armed blackjack dealer and highly recognized authority on parlor games that is credited with the invention of the poker chip in 1932. Rooney recently moved to Montrose from Las Vegas for the nightlife.

Once the second-ranked solitaire player in the world, Diamond reportedly mastered the demanding game on long, cold nights while working as a sheepherder on California Mesa in the 50s. In 2001 he  retired from professional solitaire to pursue a doomed career as a Tango singer in 2013. These days Diamond raises miniature emus on his 10,000-acre ranch high above Colona and where he still plays cards.

“We’re real lucky to have him in town,” said Rooney, who will perform card tricks until someone has a better idea of how to spend the evening. We’re actually neighbors up near Buckhorn. He’s a lot more fun than those surfers that used to live up here,” she said.

“He’s not used to playing solitaire in front of all these people,” smiled Rooney. “We hope he won’t let the crowd rattle him at tense moments of play.”

A native of Iceland, he changed his show name from Avril Balboa Bergstol to Pinky Diamond at the end of the Spanish Civil War. After that he enjoyed great success coaching and now has embraced organic education. Most recently he has gained attention for his failed efforts to convince livestock as to the benefits of Daylight Savings Time.

“We fervently hope solitaire will gain the attention much deserved in the arena of international sport and recreation here on a local level,” quipped Rooney. “It may be the last chance we get to bring quality entertainment to the provinces.”   

– Pepper Salte   

COLORADO UNMASKED

Baked News – America on the Boil

Our beloved president has quashed his previous politicization of medical masks saying all Americans should now wear masks in public and that the virus will get worse before it gets better. That’s quite a shift from the bean salesman. But while many of us wait in apprehension for further management of the crisis one local ophthalmologist seeks to clear the air.

“Nobody told you to wear a blindfold. Blinders are never a substitute for medical masks” says Dr. Constance Junctivitus. “Just open your eyes and the black and white evaporates and it all fades to gray. Distractions and the power grab are in fourth gear.”

Meanwhile a severe brain drain is on the horizon as the US falls further into a dark culture where corruption dictates and justice weeps. Academic pursuits are flimsy and plastic in most cases and demeaned in the intellectually challenged circles. According to palpable statistics many intellectuals, teachers and journalists, targeted as the enemy of the people, have reportedly entertained the possibility of leaving the country or even the planet.

“Good,” say an assortment of frightened, pseudo-spiritual, xenophobic, sound-byte recipients, who are transforming our nation into a safe landing for ignorance. They are happily waltzing down the autocratic path, turning any hope of peace and justice into a travesty with assault weapons, manufactured freedom and swastikas.

“The crisis is only exacerbated by the Coronavirus, continued Junctivitus. “While the worship of ignorance is the culprit it spreads fear, circulating hate as an airborne pollutant. A person doesn’t need bifocals to see what’s going on around us.”

-Kashmir Horseshoe

Reporter’s Briefing in Purgatory Alarms Ecclesiastics

Melvin O’Toole’s brief sojourn to Purgatory, (not to be confused with Paraguay) was not planned. Like a lot of other metaphysical marvels it kind of just kinda fell out of the sky, or at least he did.

The mysterious and proverbial holding tank, reputedly a place that accommodates souls not exactly eligible for heaven but not quite damned to hell, does not accept drop-ins and has no patience for the growing number of lost spirits seeking reconciliation before moving on to a more stable eternity.

“When Toole popped in we were engaged in a game of darts and we needed a target,” said a longtime gatekeeper in the misty fog that covers the impenetrable lakes and marshes doubling as access paths and roadways in or out of the intermediate state of existence.

“He was perfect in that he was round, moved slowly and didn’t seem to mind the darts bouncing off him,” said the gatekeeper. “He probably thought it was part of the purification process or the cleansing before he moved on.”

During the entire outing O’Toole kept his eyes open and his mouth shut. Somewhat hesitant to describe his experience upon return, he focused on visible impacts such as the countless car washes that pepper the spotless landscape.

“I was held in the reception area for over two hours while they decided what to two with me,” O’Toole said. “It looked like a corporate-induced buffet breakfast nook at a generic interstate motel where everyone grabs and chows down on USDA recommended chemicals for the day. No personality whatsoever. No one talks to each other.”

Since I was flying standby I did not even receive a welcome kit. The attendants laughed when I politely asked: “Where to next? I have a voucher from one of the airlines that lists my final destination as heaven”

In a related piece aliens from thirteen different celestial bodies and six galaxies have asked that earthlings stay where they are until they resolve glaring inadequacies that threaten to destroy their social experiments once and for all.

– Estelle Marmotbreath