All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category
Lynx and Moose Welcome Gray Wolf to Colorado
(Denver) Lynx and moose, species recently reestablished in these mountains several years back, were on hand today to welcome the gray wolf back to the state.
“Our story has been a rousing success thanks to the co-existence of humans and wild creatures,” smiled Marcia Lynx. “There are now more of us in Colorado than there are marijuana dispensaries.”
“We moose can be cranky and a handful but all in all we feel the program that brought us down here is solid and natural in every detail,” said Al, a 1200-pound spokesman for local moose herds. “I wish the federal gov’ment would pay attention when they establish immigration policy for the country.”
Marcia Lynx above Lake City in early November
We asked Al if he was concerned about quality of life here since wolf packs are often the natural enemy of moose, often eating the weaker animals.
“Bring them on,” sneered Al. “We’ll kick some wolf ass.”
No one dared suggest that gray wolves have lived in remote parts of Western Colorado since even before John Denver or that Big Bad Wolf Syndrome was lurking in the dark timber and behind the willows.
“They’ve been here since my great grandparents homesteaded this place and now, even though we didn’t vote for it, we’ll be getting more of them,” said one Rangeley rancher who said that the animals are intelligent, keep to their packs and that livestock issues have been minimal.
Al the Moose, near Silverton in July
Other Western Slope residents were not so tolerant.
“If the liberals want more wolves they should try them out in Littleton or Boulder and see how that goes first,” said Mirabelle Pritchard of Ecstasy Orchards in Paonia. I intend to write my newly elected Congresswoman suggesting a bill that reintroduces wooly mammoths to Cherry Hills.”
Pritchard conceded that predators rarely attack apple and cherry trees saying she feels for her neighbors who run sheep or cattle.
Others took a wait and see approach
“Some of the folks were just thrilled at having wolves in the state again but they’ve been here the entire time,” said Al the Moose. “The idea had been to keep the wolf presence quiet or not rock the conestoga. Life can be disappointing enough as it is. Who are we to disillusion them.”
-Fred Zeppelin
“There are cracks in everything; that’s how the light gets in.” – Leonard Cohen
Many Public Radio DJs Live Normal Lives
Apology: Most public radio DJs do not live in the station studios as was recently reported on sanjuanhorseshoe.com, a low-budget website claiming 4.5 million readers. Whether the DJs rent or own their homes, they in fact almost always have a private place to sleep, cook, bathe and exist when they are not on the air.
Rarely do these stewards of the airwaves hot bunk, snore or eat crumbcake in bed, say their listeners. We apologize for the pain and the lingering hurt our story must have inflicted with such an insensitive portrayal and volley of dismissive accusations.
However, all accidental innuendo and outright indictment stereotyping these digital spinners as sex symbols/ rock and roll idols will continue until the proper channels respond to “pebbles against the window” and these allegations are proven false once and for all.
-Pepper Salte
Trout in the Stocking Could Mean Big Changes on the Way
Unspoken Slam Inherent to Holiday Breakups
with Dr. Carl (Pinky) Salmon-Floyd MSW, RTD, YAP, LSMFT
A freshly caught or fish market trout in one’s Christmas stocking could be cause for alarm, especially in strained romantic relationships, syndicate misunderstandings and contested arm wrestling tournaments.
We certainly don’t want to read too much into this. It could be a matter of last minute shopping confusion or a mix-up over in gift-wrapping. More likely the gesture should be seen as nothing less than the direct approach to ending a frivolous or imprudent relationship or a fire-crack love affair close to fizzling out.
The squirmy texture of the lifeless gift, coupled with the unmistakable odor, never bodes well, especially compared with more traditional, fluffy presents such as comfy pajamas, exotic perfumes and cashmere sweaters.
While this kind of cold-blooded, yet eccentric offering is often catalogued under fishing, other gear, tackling box accessories, even booby-trapped hooks would be more appropriate than a whole fish. That is unless the giver is trying to send a passive aggressive message for the whole family to enjoy or the vague threat of a repeat performance for Valentine’s Day if anyone, no matter how dense, misses the point.
The action may lack subtlety but it does get the attention of everyone within six feet of the loaded stocking. Many cling to the absurd notion that a trout is still better than receiving coal, sand or Chinese anklets. This is only true if you are feline. When was the last time you tried start a fire with a dead trout?
Fruitcake Again Unjustly Demonized
(Claxton, GA) That jellied fruit and nut concoction that elbows its way into grocery store aisles and onto holiday tables each year has experienced an upsurge in violent displays of late. The innocent enough cake has been targeted an astonishing 388 times in Dixie alone so far in the month of December.
Police are attempting to determine if the more radical attacks should be classified as hate crimes, as compared to just plain old crimes.
Father Fruitcake, an avowed, itinerant golf cart technician from nearby Statesboro, warned that there would be repercussions in light of the sensitivities of the season. Much of this year’s cherished Mormon Fruitcake, considered the crème de la crème in some circles, was lost during a snowstorm at La Sal Junction earlier this month. Despite this knee-walking catastrophe, the stuff is still everywhere, clogging up heating systems, overwhelming road crews and threatening to grind commerce to a halt.
“Getting back to all this hate crime designation: What exactly is the opposite of a hate crime?” asked Fruitcake. “Has the fruitcake lobby considered all its options?”
Read the sanjuanhorseshoe.com – 2800 stories. No ink. No waiting.
Bass boats arrive at North Pole
The first frozen bass boat fleet arrived at Santa’s Workshop this morning. The craft, one of 15 purchased in November, is specially designed to make use of an overabundance of elf muscle available at the North Pole.
But primarily it is a sign of the times due to great polar melting and the disappearance of icebergs, fish and mammal habitat. The bruised topography has dictated a new approach to survival in the Far North. What used to be massive chunks of ice is now frigid water, ever rising, ever-consuming. Climate change does not support sleigh travel even if the sleigh can fly.
“We got tired of all the deniers, the greed and the ignorance associated with the man-made crisis,” said Santa Claus, who, with the help of twenty elves guided the boat into a protected slip out of the wind. “Fossil fuels are responsible for the demise of our lifestyle and yet they are drilling just over the horizon.”
One elf chimed in: We’ve got more water than ice and snow – sleighs can’t cut it and reindeer don’t swim well. We’ll still use reindeer to haul our new boats over what snowy terrain remains. Citing a “little known fact” the elf said that it always took more than one sleigh to make the rounds on Christmas Eve.
“Now we will have enough bass boats to deliver presents to every kid on the planet, at least while we still have a planet,” he bragged.
News that the loyal elf faction here would be expected to take to the ores did not go down well. Many are not comfortable with the plight of the galley slave even for one night in December.
“It starts with one night then before we know it we’re in chains rowing through glaciers and ice mountains whenever Santa wants to go on a road trip or has business in Canada,” squawked another puffed up elf.
The remainder of the fleet is slated to arrive this week and undergo major modification before the Yuletide begins. Each of the larger boats is named for one of the eight reindeer with other smaller vessels tagged for North Pol landmarks and Santas immediate family.
“If the destruction caused by human generated climate change is not addressed today we will need every boat and more to make it to dry land again,” said a visibly exhausted Santa. “Coal in their stockings hasn’t worked. Future believers may be writing me letters c/o Mount McKinley, Las Vegas or Mars.”
Fred, Red and Ted Herring contributed to this report
Late scores: Arctic League – Polar Bears 6 – Elves 0
Brain Washing Will Continue Despite Drought
(Venison, CO) The federal gov’ment and thousands of international corporations meeting here this week have agreed to keep the pressure on consumers and constituents at least through 2021.
Both Democrats and Republicans have partnered with the money crating a frightening alliance between power brokers needing sheep in the pasture and pawns onboard as fuel for their self-serving endeavors.
“Who ever heard of good government?” asked Fred Herring, spokesperson for Parlin’s thriving anarchist party. “By definition government is oppressive. Government serves itself and never the people. At least the blood hungry corporations admit that they are in it only to benefit numero uno.”
Readers are instructed to digest the following memetic banter and destroy any hard evidence of same ‘lessin’ it falls into the wrong circles.
- Forget all he negative press about notorious sweatshops. GAP loves its employees right down to the bone.
- DOW CHEMICAL is down in the trenches with the dispossessed fighting again global warming.
- North Korea is a country where everyone is happy, equal and bountiful.
- Big Pharm should and will be trusted to deliver a vaccine to control the spread of Covid-19. Disregard reminders about that industry’s role in the opioid crisis. Maybe the gov’ment could step in and protect its citizens from the soulless profiteers,…But probably not. Thoughts and prayers for a new solution.
- If someone disagrees with the military-industrial marriage in our America they must be one of them socialists. You can classify them as such even though you really don’t quite know what a socialist might be.
- Iran is evil. Oil pipelines are for the good of us all.
– Ed Herring
