All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category
Colorado Barbers Cash In on Marijuana Harvest
(Not-In-Montrose-You -Don’t) Many Western Slope hair cutters are augmenting their incomes in the agricultural sector this fall by trimming marijuana plants.
The logical, symbiotic progression began last year and has taken off in 2020 due to the burgeoning demand for the product and the presence of an expert workforce needing to earn a few bucks before winter sets in.
The lingering virus and the beleaguered economy have disproportionately hurt barbers who generally welcomed the seasonal labor. Many expect to survive due to tolerance toward what was once seen as the devil’s weed.
“It’s clear that intimate services are not top priority these days,” said Belle Toole, a salon owner in Colona. “We had to do something. Then our Benevolent Brotherhood of Hemp Associates flew into action.”
Toole explained that many of the barbers had ever handled the crop but that after they got used to the stickiness and the aroma they chopped and severed and cut away.
Several stylists in the region can produce 3 pounds of clean bud in an eight-hour shift. Unlike hair on the floor syndrome, this bi-product can be used for cooking and industrial components, gradually replacing lumber, cotton, and even petroleum.
“Their work is of top quality and they bring their own scissors,” said one grower, happy to see the process run smoothly.
– Salvador “The Barber” Calabria
“I once yearned for justice. Now I just want a little mercy.” – Kris Kristopherson
Negotiations on Cannibal Statue Continue
(Lake City) Despite moral controversy, belt-tightening and outright threats from rogue militias, talks continue on the acquisition of a classic statue in Alferd Packer’s backyard.
The neoclassical ivory sculpture, the work of Leonard Kern who died in 1662, clearly shows a homo sapiens of some status chowing down on what appears to be a human leg while a smaller cherub presumably waits for scraps.
“To display a memorial to Colorado Cannibal Alferd Packer is simply in bad taste even after all these years and all the jokes,” said Wardeen Stenson, freelance pharmacist for the Slumgullion Region. “It praises the consumption of human flesh and has no place on our grocery list.”
Readers may recall that in1874, during an arduous trek across the San Juans in winter, Packer the mountain guide allegedly ate all the Democrats in Hinsdale County. Many residents favor the “subtle installation” of the late Renaissance statue at the softball field.
“Packer did time and is considered a dangerous criminal in the archives of state history,” added Stenson. “The last thing we need is to remind the tourists of his infamy.”
-Fred Zeppelin
“Do cannabis dispensaries require employees to take a drug test?” – Kid Reefer
Regional Update
Rastas, Mormons still long way from agreement
(Telluride) Meetings between Rastafarians and Mormons have yielded little or nothing toward the settlement of stark differences as of this morning. The summit, sponsored by ecumenical relief organizations, was arranged so as to create a climate of understanding within the diverse groups. Unreliable sources here say the two religions are still miles apart with final sessions scheduled over the weekend.
Endless Gas
(Ridgway) Local man, Melvin Toole has reportedly invented an automobile that never runs out of gas. “It’s fool-injected,” said Toole. “Fool-injected. With a capital F and that stands for fool and that rhymes with Toole.” The car will run forever on one tank of gas according to the inventor who adds that he is not concerned as to the countless death threats received from major oil companies. The car, available this week in red, metallic teal and off-white, promises to revolutionize the industry. “Fool-injection will be seen as a major breakthrough by everyone, especially with the price of gasoline,” he said,
Paper Drops Info-Nympho Chat
(Manana) Citing perverse sexual innuendo at every turn, editors at the San Juan Horseshoe have discontinued the popular Info-Nympho column, effective today. Saying that the lustful offering is not appropriate for a its’ marginally attentive readership, the paper will no longer feature it on its editorial page.
Penned by an unidentified writer, Info-Nympho followed an often tedious question and answer format that always skirted the subject and went directly to recounting the author’s sexual depravations, real or imagined. One example saw a reader write in asking about paint thinner only to be treated to a sordid account of the author’s visit to a swinger’s nightclub in Colona. Another went like this:
Dear Info Nympho: My family and I are confused about daylight savings time. Does one turn the clock up or back? Little Hand
Dear Little Hand. It’s simple: Spring forward, fall back. It’s a lot like my first time doing it on the beach. We looked up and there was nobody around so we figured we were alone. His hot breath gripped me and before I knew it clothes were everywhere. His welcome advances commenced and before I knew it we were in deep embrace. If only a crowd had not gathered we might still be there today. — Info Nympho.
The column will be replaced by a bass fishing pictorial.
Anesthesiologists Anonymous Dissolves
(Montrose) Anesthesiologists Anonymous today disbanded after 30 years attempting to rehabilitate at risk medical personnel. In the final meeting former members unanimously pledged to do all they could for their brotherhood and while taking ten steps toward remaining total strangers. A pot luck dinner has been scheduled at an undisclosed spot. Parties interested in attending the finale are encouraged to bring a covered fish.
Monday Only Commerce Bill passes in Hinsdale County
(Lake City) Calling it an end to puritan culture once and for all, town and county officials today threw full support behind a proposed ordinance banning work in any form six days a week. Residents and visitors alike would face stiff penalties for commerce any day but Monday.
“It’s just a matter of complacency,” said one elected leader who then quoted a pointed Garifuna saying common to Caribbean Nicaragua: “Monday- work day, Tuesday – choose day, Wednesday – lose day, Thursday – muse day, Friday feast day, Saturday pay day, Sunday rest day.”
The motion is expected to pass easily at next Monday’s semi-annual meeting.
Sage aftershave draws lusty ghost
(Crested Butte) A confirmed bachelor here says that ever since he began applying a local sage aftershave lotion he has found true romance. According to Tommy Middlefinger, a longtime house wrecker, he is visited every night in his boudoir by a sensual, yet rambunctious ghost set on extended love making. And he’s not complaining.
“The ratio of men to women here has always created a problem for the men and a paradise for the women,” he choked. “I just started using the aftershave to get rid of the gout. She (the ghostess) may be a little transparent but I assure you she’s still a fox even after decades in the grave.”
112-year old Cuban maestro denied entry into US
(Norwood) An elderly Cuban musician has been barred entry into the United States due to national security considerations it was reported today. The popular marimba great who has appeared on the popular Buena Vista Social Club CDs was turned away in Miami after showing his passport and playing the prescribed games attributed to Homeland Security Agency and the INS.
He was slated to play at Red’s Gravy Heaven on Grand Avenue October 20.
“I’ll just wait them out, said centenarian-plus Alfredo “The Marimba Machete” Garcia. “Sooner or later Raul will pass and maybe the U.S. will elect someone who likes Cuban music.”
People with whiny voices less likely to succeed says study
(Gunnison) A combined study conducted by Western State Colorado University and Rocky Mountain Marmot and Wildflower Laboratory has determined that people with whiny voices are doomed to failure. The findings strongly suggest that although some whiners may do well in their early attempts they will, in the end, wind up in the gutter.
“Who wants some whiny know-it-all running around with success pinned to his coat,” asked one coordinator of a survey started last March. “We’ve talked to almost everyone in Gunnison County, including Marble and Vulcan, and nobody wants to see them excel.”
The study clearly states that fellow humans often dictate who is successful and that whiners rarely get the nod.
– compiled in part by Olivia Tinkleholland
Columbus Day Planned on the Navajo Nation
Special to the Horseshoe
Excitement is in the air here at the 15th Annual Columbus Day Celebration planned for October 12 in Tuba City. Some 100 floats and 2000 dancers are expected to grace the main street, eclipsing craft booths and food stalls. Clowns and jugglers will no doubt entertain the children while the adults will be treated to horse races and high stakes bingo.
At 5 pm we will begin a Columbus Buffet with Nina, Pinta and Santa Maria portions! One doesn’t need a crow’s nest to see that we mean to have fun!
Sponsored by the local chamber of commerce, Navajo Columbus Day is in no way connected to the Cortez Corners Rodeo, the Juan Pizzaro Festival and Art Show, the DeSoto Pow Wow or the Father Junipero Serra Mission Feast Day and Chili Cook-off.
“This is our festival alone and even though Christopher Columbus never set foot in Tuba City many of his influences were felt here and still linger,” said Omar Cayenne of nearby Moenkopi.
Columbus Day allows for members of our tribe to socialize and pay tribute to a great American, even though he was a murdering Spanish Conquistador.
The evening will feature fireworks and a watermelon-eating contest along with live bands until midnight.
“It’s fitting that we celebrate this day since without Columbus many of us wouldn’t be here on the reservation today,” smiled Cayenne. -Kashmir Horseshoe
Honorable called into question Congressional arena
A far-reaching citizen’s petition is calling for the title honorable to be dropped preceding Congressmen’s name until he or she is worthy of that distinction. At present elected officials are referred to as the honorable and yet they have done nothing admirable. They just won an election and flew to Washington.
The matter has forced its way to the forefront along with the burgeoning cases of distemper in the legislative halls. Today the governing body was handed a stern rebuke by the Sturgeon General who unequivocally condemned facial ticks and showing up for work in pajamas as unacceptable. He further warned of the ever-present existence of hairballs on Senate floors.
The petition seeks to draw attention to the rubber stamp mentality prevalent in all the veneration of rich people who have basically purchased seats in Congress. Supporters hope for high-level sponsorship and the passage of a bylaw in this regard.
Just last month citizen action committees succeeded in embarrassing Senate Republicans to vote on a bill to limit theft on poor although most abstained.
In a related development the Roman Catholic Church is considering changing the revered designation of father to a less austere uncle to be more in line with modern social movements and relationships. The final word is expected to drift down from the Vatican on Thursday.
“Birth is the ultimate entry level drug.” – Baby Face Olsen
People will live on hot air balloons says seer
(Pitkin, CO) The Quartz Creek man credited with the invention of the composting bicycle helmet and a slew of alarming, yet spot on predictions, says a majority of people will be residing in helium balloons by the next decade.
Dr. Dutch Salamina, a recovering lecturer at Cal Polygamy, says his forecasts have fallen on deaf ears. His prediction, validated perhaps by dead- on, often unsettling prophecies, has been the butt of jokes on late night TV and virtually ignored by engineering and aeronautical experts.
Lest we forget Salamina envisaged the passive acceptance of organic calculation, the robotic embrace of nanotechnology, the stark descent to Second Dark Ages and the arrival of space aliens and their annoying dogs to Colorado and Utah.
According to the doctor life in a hot air balloon can be an effective redoubt against viruses, TV news, air pollution, idiot neighbors, political parties and the Internet. Cell phone use and fast food access will depend on local service and stench ordinances in force in the firmament.
He did not elaborate further.
“A veces la ruta no exista.” – Alejandro Murphy
