All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category
Bass boats arrive at North Pole
The first frozen bass boat fleet arrived at Santa’s Workshop this morning. The craft, one of 15 purchased in November, is specially designed to make use of an overabundance of elf muscle available at the North Pole.
But primarily it is a sign of the times due to great polar melting and the disappearance of icebergs, fish and mammal habitat. The bruised topography has dictated a new approach to survival in the Far North. What used to be massive chunks of ice is now frigid water, ever rising, ever-consuming. Climate change does not support sleigh travel even if the sleigh can fly.
“We got tired of all the deniers, the greed and the ignorance associated with the man-made crisis,” said Santa Claus, who, with the help of twenty elves guided the boat into a protected slip out of the wind. “Fossil fuels are responsible for the demise of our lifestyle and yet they are drilling just over the horizon.”
One elf chimed in: We’ve got more water than ice and snow – sleighs can’t cut it and reindeer don’t swim well. We’ll still use reindeer to haul our new boats over what snowy terrain remains. Citing a “little known fact” the elf said that it always took more than one sleigh to make the rounds on Christmas Eve.
“Now we will have enough bass boats to deliver presents to every kid on the planet, at least while we still have a planet,” he bragged.
News that the loyal elf faction here would be expected to take to the ores did not go down well. Many are not comfortable with the plight of the galley slave even for one night in December.
“It starts with one night then before we know it we’re in chains rowing through glaciers and ice mountains whenever Santa wants to go on a road trip or has business in Canada,” squawked another puffed up elf.
The remainder of the fleet is slated to arrive this week and undergo major modification before the Yuletide begins. Each of the larger boats is named for one of the eight reindeer with other smaller vessels tagged for North Pol landmarks and Santas immediate family.
“If the destruction caused by human generated climate change is not addressed today we will need every boat and more to make it to dry land again,” said a visibly exhausted Santa. “Coal in their stockings hasn’t worked. Future believers may be writing me letters c/o Mount McKinley, Las Vegas or Mars.”
Fred, Red and Ted Herring contributed to this report
Late scores: Arctic League – Polar Bears 6 – Elves 0
Brain Washing Will Continue Despite Drought
(Venison, CO) The federal gov’ment and thousands of international corporations meeting here this week have agreed to keep the pressure on consumers and constituents at least through 2021.
Both Democrats and Republicans have partnered with the money crating a frightening alliance between power brokers needing sheep in the pasture and pawns onboard as fuel for their self-serving endeavors.
“Who ever heard of good government?” asked Fred Herring, spokesperson for Parlin’s thriving anarchist party. “By definition government is oppressive. Government serves itself and never the people. At least the blood hungry corporations admit that they are in it only to benefit numero uno.”
Readers are instructed to digest the following memetic banter and destroy any hard evidence of same ‘lessin’ it falls into the wrong circles.
- Forget all he negative press about notorious sweatshops. GAP loves its employees right down to the bone.
- DOW CHEMICAL is down in the trenches with the dispossessed fighting again global warming.
- North Korea is a country where everyone is happy, equal and bountiful.
- Big Pharm should and will be trusted to deliver a vaccine to control the spread of Covid-19. Disregard reminders about that industry’s role in the opioid crisis. Maybe the gov’ment could step in and protect its citizens from the soulless profiteers,…But probably not. Thoughts and prayers for a new solution.
- If someone disagrees with the military-industrial marriage in our America they must be one of them socialists. You can classify them as such even though you really don’t quite know what a socialist might be.
- Iran is evil. Oil pipelines are for the good of us all.
– Ed Herring
CANADA OFFERS TO SHARE THANKSGIVING
(Badger, MN) In a gesture to the incoming Biden Administration, Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau has offered to lend Canadian Thanksgiving to its neighbors to the south in 2021.
That holiday, which is celebrated on October 11 up north, is pretty close to the American version especially if one substitutes poutine for nachos, hockey for football or a Caesar for a Bloody Mary.
“The country got screwed out of the only holiday that is real anymore, the only one that isn’t hyped out of its bright red holiday suspenders,” said a statement from Ottawa. “We simply want to show solidarity and give them options so as to facilitate the season’s celebrations.
Both countries expressed hope that the virus would no longer be an issue by next fall and that the US could again make use of its own longstanding day of thanks.
Many here expressed gratitude saying that they did feel robbed of a joyous Thanksgiving this year. Some insist that establishing a surrogate date lends stability in a world of black and white surprises on both sides of the border. Others think the matter is completely absurd.
Traditional feasting, watching football, tending the fire and dreaming about the coming holidays are not the heart of the celebration. It is the warmth of family that we crave. This year many people have been absent with gatherings cancelled due to virus concerns.
Some ignore precautions and continue to fight over drumsticks and mask wearing while others readily rely on vaccines and the government to save us.
It was not clear if Washington would offer The Commonwealth any of its holidays on loan in 2021. Non-franchise “festival dates” such as Colombus Day, was sold to Italy in 2019, and April Fool’s Day, scuttled by lies and mistruths, are no longer on the butcher block. Religious observations were not part of the conversation at the time of this writing.
– Fred Zeppelin
The Tarzan and Jane Dialogues
“Oysters or Chestnuts?”
Brought to you this and every Saturday morning in glorious black and white by O’Hara’s Gourmet Elephant Breath Mints and Monkey Calming Ointment. You can trust O’Hara’s, the maker of Albino Pink Eye Formula #299, now accepted by the USDA as a caffeine substitute. One million wildebeests can’t be wrong! Subscribe to our newsletter: www.mammalcreams.com.
The scene: A tree house in West Central Africa
Tarzan: Welcome local Apes and Orangutans from across the river and all the cousins from England.
Jane: Yes, indeed, we are all very happy that you have made the journey to our crowded tree house.
Tarzan: Yes…very happy.
Jane: Well, Tarzan, it’s time to carve the turkey.
Tarzan: Where my knife?
Jane: I have a special electric knife, dear. It is much easier.
Tarzan: But tree house have no electricity.
Jane: Please Tarzan; just go along this one time. Everyone is expecting us to be modern, up-to-date.
Tarzan: Tarzan throwback, not modern. Not like modern. Tarzan cooperative. Tarzan wear shirt. That enough.
Jane: Tarzan, you do the honors with the bird. Just cut along the dotted line…
Tarzan: Where dotted line?
Jane: It’s a joke, darling. There is no dotted line on poultry. Cheetah! Stop playing with your food and bring another bottle of palm wine, please.
Tarzan: Cheetah not playing with food. Monkey mashing bananas.
Jane: Whatever for? We have sweet potatoes, grilled eggplant, stuffed bird, cauliflower, rolls, pumpkin pie and giblet gravy.
Tarzan: Monkey waiting for gravy. She like to cover bananas in gravy.
Jane: Oh. Well, thank you all for coming. Let’s make a toast. Tarzan, could you see what’s taking Cheetah so long with the wine.
Tarzan: Monkey not real deep….like wine right out of the bottle, gravy on bananas and swinging in trees. Not much else.
Jane: Let us be thankful for all we have. Oh, and here comes the palm wine. What are a little gravy-soaked bananas among friends, heh?
–Lady Greystoke
FOOD: Cross-dressing your bird for the holidays.
It’s that wonderful time of the year again and we’re on the cutting edge that runs its fickle jagged line between tailored lines, gender faux pas, blatant foppery and gaudy plumage.
Bright and cheery outfits are popular and trending for most birds, the descendants of those known cloths horses, the dinosaurs. However real designer accessories can be difficult to secure leaving one’s perfectly stuffed and roasted turkey feeling quite naked, even in the company of top-hatted mashed potatoes and tuxedoed yams.
We suggest lose-fitting cheesecloth, solid vegetable patterns, giblet blends, floor-length drumsticks and basting…lots of basting. The rest is just arm candy.
Always remember: Even an educated turkey cannot fly and many still prefer polyester. Issues involving the separation of dark meat from white meat, as well as the use of yoga pants with leftovers, remain not nice conversations at the holiday table.
It can be like pulling feathers to get them to dress up any other time of the year with the possible exception of the Fourth of July.
Across the bird world parrots, puffins, starlings, ravens, Peruvian condors, Blue Amazon flummery and other less appetizing breeds do not do well in the oven or in the fashion arena. Raptors and birds of prey are uncooperative. But they can be convinced to cross-dress if they think it will disguise their real motives.
Next time: Fruitcake Yurts for Lent.
-Beth Kampachi
Turkey Lottery Cruel?
(Montrose) The proposed Turkey Lottery, slated for Thanksgiving 2021, has played to mixed revues and reactions here and in other rural communities across the Colorado.
Saying that the birds already encounter enough stress this time of the year, one critic of the concept called the measure inhumane. Supporters of the bill insist that it will create a sense of justice and put a vast segment of the turkey population out of harm’s way, for now.
Here’s how it will work: The birds are assigned numbers based on birthdays and then draw for positions relative to the holidays. Lower numbers will designate the dinner table while higher numbers will earn a reprieve for the year.
“It’s as fair as anything else,” said Dag Katz, architect of the lottery. “This way the condemned might get their lives in order before late November. The saved can go on without fear of the swan song and a side of mashed potatoes and cranberries.”
Vegetarians were not consulted on this matter and plan to boycott the entire issue.
“What rubs my chops is that nobody has consulted the sweet potatoes or the yams,” said
continued Friday
