All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category
THE SLOPE DOPE
By Estelle Marmotbreath
“If bingo required any reading comprehension
I would be home on Tuesday nights too.”
“It’s my party and I’ll lie if I want to.” Lauren Boebert tracking indicates that cooler heads have prevailed within the sinking GOP bass boat here in the Rockies. A plot to remove her is already emerging: A serious looking blueprint rolled around three Havana cigars was found under a fermenting mulberry tree in western Garfield County detailing the planned coup. It does not give a date. Detractors say she sleeps with her pistol and they must take care to act only when she is awake.
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Cranberry Saucers held in contempt in a well-documented turkey caper are expected to be indicted tomorrow unless it snows. They are accused of detaining over 400 turkeys in November and December in hopes of selling them on an already overstuffed black market. Other counts against the saucers include littering, overcooking and betrayal of a person of trust.
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Local taxpayers are warned that chain tax preparation jobs are now often outsourced to India and the Philippines. If one brings his forms and receipts to what CPAs call “television tax preparers” there is a good chance the final return will have been prepared overseas. Although the forms are completed in English it is often difficult to ask questions and the payment up front policies are unnerving. Audits are a nightmare in that preparers in Asia are not likely to respond to IRS queries.
“Most of the time the IRS is in such a hurry to cash your check that it rarely examines returns anyway,” said a spokesman for One, Two Three Four – Buckle My Shoe Tax Agencies.
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Need help paying your liquor bill during the pandemic? Call us. We can help.
“Marjorie Taylor Greene, who shouldn’t even be on the snack committee for the local peewee soccer league.” – Arizona Central
McConnell in advanced stage of soft shell disease
(Turtle Cove) Former Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell has been diagnosed with advanced soft shell disease it was disclosed today. The infirmity, while not clearly visible to others, gradually eats away at the conscience causing the victim to lose all sense of honor and clarity.
Many suggest that the health issues are behind McConnell’s agreement to share power with Democrats on Covid legislation.
Persons close to McConnell told reporters that episodes of spinelessness and attempts to distance himself from a monster he helped create were symptoms of soft-shell disease and that McConnell cannot be held accountable for his actions. They further stated that the GOP had kept “this shell thing” quiet since 2018.
“If he had faced the health care options of most Americans he would probably be dead,” said one angry voter who has lost several family members to Covid-19.
“Petty holdups in Congress go a long way to suggest that wealthy elected officials don’t really give a damn about how many people are dying from Covid,” stressed the voter who wished to remain anonymous. “They are fine. Their money is fine. This legislation is one year late. Twelve months of doing almost nothing. Trump had no plan and apparently Congress did not either.”
-Tommy Middlefinger
“What am I doing? Well, I’m lookin’ to fall in with the wrong sort. How about you?”
– Melvin B. Toole, from Date Night in Rifle, Testosterone Brothers, Boston.
Anglers over 80 must undergo tagging in 2021
(Taylor Canyon) Elderly fisherman must submit to stage one tagging if they seek the plateau of legality in cold-water pursuits this year. The labeling, promoted as a cost-saving inventory, is in actuality an attempt to keep from losing people on the banks.
“We love it that these charming old farts are out there catching fish,” said Ernestina Perch of the Colorado Dorsal League, the entity responsible for safe tagging. “The tagging is only a precaution. It allows us to monitor movements of the tagged and facilitate pinpoint searches if someone wanders off.
Most of these seniors lose sensitivity in their earlobes long before anything else goes according to Perch.
“It’s no more than simple vaccine, except that instead of a shot the unsuspecting quarry suffers a small incision in the fleshy part of the ear,” she smiled. “The slight sting is similar to the pinch of a staple gun and often stops bleeding within hours.”
All Colorado trawlers and casters should expect to be tagged before 2025. An in-home tagging kit is expected to be available by snagging season. Advocates of the program are pretty exited about the possible results.
“For now you should do nothing,” flipped Perch.
Next Time: “Do Fish Cry?”
Ice Fishermen Glimpse Rare One-legged Iola Mackinaw
(Venison, CO) Although quite relaxing and lucrative, ice fishing in the frigid air and winter sun requires serious preparation. But no one was prepared for what they saw at Blue Mesa last Tuesday.
At about noon, just as the ice was sweating and the sky was calm a long-thought extinct one-legged mackinaw (unos tripodes tructos) was viewed bobbing in the shallow water at the east end of the lake. Pursued by anglers in boats and along the shore, the mackinaw emerged again in the river then disappeared into the deep inlet leaving fishermen holding their hooks.
Biologists think this rare lake trout evolved as an amphibian in the harsh climate of Gunnison County. Notice the stiff posture and limited leg capacity thought to have developed due to social ties and the presence of hungry raptors in the region.
“We’ve seen the magnificent gifts of nature materialize out of thin air before,” said Treble Bagre, an avid fisherman and outdoorsman, “but this was really special. “Now every time I put my auger to the ice I’ll be wondering who or what I might meet next.”
Why this particular species evolved in such a wasteful way is still a mystery. As most people know fish do not generally have proper legs since they don’t need them to get around. The appearance of healthy one-legged mackinaw sent shock waves through the local cold-blooded vertebrate community and left fishermen wondering what else might reside in the frozen depths of Blue Mesa.
“The creature seemed intent on diving in the river and got on pretty well despite suffering from what looked like a slight limp,” added Bagre. I only saw it for an instant. It was gray-blue in color, bigger than my pickup and had eyes on both sides of its head. I thought I’d met Moby Dick!”
State biologists, while not discounting the sighting, say the fish probably migrated from over to Colorado in so many streams and creeks from the Green River in Utah, where one-legged fish are more plentiful. They were quick to point out that fish don’t limp.
“There was enough meat on that plankton muncher to feed Hinsdale County for Fourth of July Weekend,” said Bagre. Our challenge would be to haul that monster across the raging Cebolla without it repatriating.”
Woodsmen are warned no to confuse the one-legged Makinaw with other hairless and less gimpy fish like perch and pike that frequent these waters. – Conor Sturgeon
“How sad it is to think of the multitudes who have gone to their graves in this beautiful island and never knew there was a hell.” – Mark Twain on the horrors facing the pagan population of Hawaii, 1866.
Vladimir and Putin agree to power sharing
(St. Petersburg) In what some consider a shocking twist, both Vladimir and Putin have initiated a process aimed at allocation of sovereignty within the Russian state.
Mr. Vladimir
The schematic for transfer and cooperation between the two former rivals includes a step-by-step shift to a coalition government controlled by the two men. It is surmised that the former Soviet system will remain in place.
“Double agent tactics and diluted arms races be damned. We finally have a stable government west of the Urals,” said a party mouthpiece.
Mr. Putin
“Call it what you will but it is still a government reminiscent of the Cold War potato heads and infused with former KGB agents,” said one political opponent currently recovering from an alleged poisoning attempt last October.
In a related statement the Kremlin vehemently denied rumors that the two leaders would appear as World Wrestling Federation combatants joining an assortment of Trump family standouts in that capacity.
-Conor Sturgeon
Lauren come lately
Most of Trump’s sycophants have been planning their slithering escape for months but our pistol-headed Congresswoman has just now jumped onto the deck of a sinking ship with no captain, no rudder, no helm.
Just orange hair and puffiness.
Has she no sense at all? Even thieves know when to stop stealing.
Even crooked politicians know when to pull the plug or at least play dead for a while.
Vile, floating flack ego, deflated,
Arise the paper Benito doll
skewered like the defenders of Jerusalem
when the Crusaders took the day.
“It’s only a coup d’etat if it comes from the Coup D’etat region of France. Anything else is just Sparkling Treason.”
– comment on editorial pages in Washington Post
