All Entries in the "Hard News" Category
Roadworkahead Incorporated
(Silverton — Observations of Road Damage — September 3, 2015)
Welcome Roadworkahead, Colorado — the newest incorporated town in Colorado! The governor and others awarded official status this morning in response to the new burgh’s constant presence, consistent survival figures and longstanding operations in one location.
“People have recognized Roadworkahead as a real place,” said Sergio Jingles, Special Assistant to the Governor in the Forgotten Provinces. “They go there.”
The designation carries with it certain benefits and responsibilities such as lucrative pioneer funding and adaptation of rigid state norms. Already Confront Range money has built a bridge and a recreation center contingent on compliance to Colorado restrictions on noise and visual pollution.
Qualifications include length of stay, infrastructure and social measures that chronicle human interaction and mercantile activity.
“Roadworkahead is the classic city on the hill,” said Jingles, which must strive to become a town like all of the other towns in this great state. If these considerations are not met in one year we pull the plug and it returns to a bump in the road, an asphalt pumpkin.”
No votes, straw or otherwise, have been cast on the issue since there are no actual residents of the new settlement.
“We expect that to change when we complete construction on gated communities and public housing,” said Jingles. “Potential middle class inhabitants, dwindling like the light of a fall evening, can fend for themselves.”
Today a new leash law was imposed even though there are no dogs in the new town.
“We must have the positive variables in place before we open the doors to immigration,” stressed Jingles who added that the town was currently searching for a town council and a good breakfast spot.”
– Melvin Toolini
Safety Corpse Offered
Gunnison County Weed Eaters Anonymous – August 25, 2015
The officially recognized, patented 2015 Mower’s Safety Course will be offered again this fall to persons who have mastered the summer preliminary curriculum. This year’s syllabus concentrates heavily on the adaption of the metric system and its application to more conventional approaches to trimming.
Adherence to s simple step-by-step procedure will result in fewer mishaps with rotor blades and lurking sunstroke according to masterminds associated with the project.
Persons born after March 1949 must take this course if they intend to mow their lawns this fall. Others, born earlier are urged to sign up for the 400-hours of Saturday classes, so as to remain on top of newest developments.
“We offer plenty of tips for mower safety as well as insider hints on weed control and fertilization techniques,” said board member Charlene Gascanne, between meetings.
The cost for the classes is a reasonable $400 (sleeper compartment slightly more) and must be paid in advance. Persons caught mowing (or weed eating without proper certification will surrender lawn privileges and may face fines and imprisonment. – Koko Nucla
Fox News Acusado de Difusión Artificial
El Supremo entregó Quart hoy por una serie de acusaciones contra Fox News que afirman que la entidad tergiversado la realidad y de apropiación indebida confianza pública en una serie de emisiones 2010-2015.
En lo que el cuerpo gobernante llamado “difusión artificial de hechos inventados Fox ha actuado de manera irresponsable y criminalmente en los intentos por convencer a su audiencia de la televisión estadounidense que el poder corporativo es la única protección contra una multitud de hombres y terroristas fuera boogey para conseguirlos.
De acuerdo con la alta cuarto: “FOX ha saqueado la verdad y manipulado sus noticieros a fin de crear una ilusión de miedo y desconfianza en este país mediante la comunicación única malentendido y falsedades para promover sus objetivos económicos y políticos.”
“Estas cabezas parlantes serio retorcidos, incluso los que tienen los peinados perfectos, han convencido a la clase media, que son los pobres (y no las corporaciones globales) que son culpables de sus luchas diarias”, dijo la acusación. La asignación repetitivo y metódico de la manipulación de los medios y proxenetismo de datos ha creado polarización crónica y la xenofobia que amenaza las libertades básicas y hace que los espectadores menos informados (más tonto) de lo que eran esta mañana. – Phil E. Buster
Many pets still without on-line service, email
(Gunnison) Despite the promises by elected officials and bureaucrats waiting for payday, a majority of pets in the United States remain computer challenged, illiterate within the Internet spectrum and completely locked out of the social media.
The travesty grows. 94% pets responding to a simple questionnaire say they have been ignored by the high tech junkies and purposely excluded from electronic communication on the grounds that they are stupid or that they cannot type or spell worth a lick.
“Should minor pitfalls prevent an intelligent dog or cat from embracing progress or function effectively in the modern world?” asked one former lion tamer turned dog walker here. Societies that bar access to beings that they consider to be a liability are always burned by the arrogance, crippled by the resentment.”
If it wasn’t already bad enough, the public schools are holding tanks for most, billionaires run the country and there are poor people wandering around Wall Street. Keeping this segment of the population in the dark will not provide for a better life on the Internet. It will not help to control spam or junk mail. It will simply discriminate against four-legged creatures, many of who would like to join the 21st Century before it’s too late.
– Rufus Maxwell
