All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category
UTE WHALE HUNTS APPROVED
Lake Powell Breakthrough Lauded
(Ignacio) In a monumental turn of events the United Snakes Senate today voted in favor of Ute Whale hunts in Arizona and Utah. The action paves the way toward diversification of the reservation economy and promises to give indigent members of the tribe increased opportunity.
“Quite a high percentage of Native Americans seem to lack direction these days,” said Estelle Marmotbreath, Director of Reservation Rehabilitation and Relaxation. Marmotbreath, a tea leaf reader, thinks the destruction of their culture ,the seizure of tribal lands and the adoption of reservations has led to this problem.
“The Utes were never heavy into buffalo hunting since there were few of the beasts in the mountains,” explained Marmotbreath who earned her PhD. in Casino Administration at the Isolationist Institute for International Studies in 2007. “We think the whale hunts will replace the historically incorrect yet legendary buffalo hunts, and in turn help moral.”
The plan has angered environmentalists, many whom support Sierra Club efforts to drain Lake Powell and return Glen Canyon to its natural state.
“What chance will whales have against Ute hunting parties when the water is gone?” asked one Sierra Club member.
If the Lake Powell whale safaris are successful Ute whaling ships may once again be seen on the Colorado River and right there in your bathtub.
Already water interests in Arapaho County have petitioned the state of Colorado for a permit to build a Ute Whaler Water Theme Park adjacent to the Aurora Gang War Zone Memorial there. Principals in that effort insist they will need additional Western Slope water to complete the project. – Small Mouth Bess
Judiciary Contest Winner Announced
(Crested Butte) Little Melvin Toole of Irwin has won first place in the 2013 Judiciary Contest sponsored by the local civil liberties union. Toole, 6, took home $300 for correctly defining habeas corpus as the right to stand before one’s accuser and the right to protection from unlawful restraint.
The second place finisher Marigold Swami of Crestone defined habeas corpus as producing a dead body while three others said it was a lusty, hummus-like porridge, (haggis) favored by those of Scottish origin and their hung-over friends.
In the final tally 35% of those participating said habeas corpus was a disease common to wild boar while almost 50% said it was the name of a Roman Emperor. One woman told us it was the name of a popular Montrose micro brew.
In addition to the cash Toole will receive an Attica basketball jersey and a free boat trip around Alcatraz Island. – H. L. Menoken
Comic Pages Good For Mental Health
(Gotham City) According to a new federal study the daily digestion of the comix leads to a happier, better adjusted human being. Of over 6,000 daily newspaper readers surveyed 45% said they read the comic pages daily. 28% said they read them first. Of that group, only three people complained of depression or said they felt displaced or disenfranchised from society.
“After digesting the front page and the editorials many people need to lighten up,” said one researcher, “and that’s where the comics page comes in. Completing the crossword puzzle, reading the horoscope, even consuming the sports pages don’t seem to offer the inner peace found in the comic strips.”
For decades the feds have tried to manipulate the comics by sneaking propaganda and government agendas onto these pages. The attempt has failed however since federal agencies often lack a basic sense of humor. The embrace of the internet news has lessened the number of people reading the traditional comic pages but these same control groups seek out humor and comics elsewhere on the web according to the results collected here.
“Veteran comic page readers see through all the hype,” said the source. “They’re looking for simplicity and escape. The diversity of humor found in the strips offers something for every interest and mental capacity.”
Experts liken reading the comics to soaking one’s bunions in a hot pail of water or day dreaming. Some even consider the behavior to have therapeutic value since it is not intellectually threatening. They compare the practice to meditation or prayer.
“The comics offer a secure format with familiar characters who are usually predictable,” according to a 34,000-page report released this week. “Regular readers relate to the characters and their predicaments, often resolved in a few frames. Perusers of the funny pages gain tranquil entertainment value without the noise and control of television or the demands of more serious reading.”
The study also implied that many people can’t tell the difference between the comics and the regular news, especially TV news which is not generally meant to be comedy or even amusing.
“Television is already so stupid that it doesn’t need comic relief,” continued the report which adds that boob tube addicts are one of the most pathetic groups on the planet.
The cost of the study was just over $6.5 million.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
Rock Soup
Counterfeit cow licenses, eagle feathers, Havana cigars, Columbine bouquets, marijuana seeds, removed mattress tags, banned assault rifles, bogus hunter safety cards, over-the-counter whiskey on Sunday. Illegal Segal, Guano Boulevard.
Low-income deer and elk can talk to professional taxidermists on Tuesdays through November. Call the DOW.
Need a place to hibernate for a night or two. The Ouray Victorian Inn is now offering deluxe accommodations TWO FOR THE PRICE OF JUAN through November. Call them or just sleep outside.
Desperately seeking ride to Mexico or Canada on Saturday, October 12. Will return in mid-November. Call Lawrence Elk or John Doe at the Uncompahgre Plateau Sinclair. Leave message.
The 90th Annual Psorophaora Mosquito Family Reunion/Swarm will be held at Dengue Town Park on November 28 despite reports of high water. Bring covered fish. Pupae OK. No flies.
Need: Person to weed and mow Rolling Rock Acres Cemetery every Friday through the winter season. Applicant must have good driving record and current driver’s license. No mystics. Simple vision test will be administered to some successful candidates. Demonstrated ability to get along well with the long-term clientele will be considered a plus. Stop by in person and ask for Mr. Curtains.
Hunters: Did you happen to notice a mature marijuana crop out in the National Forest recently? Well, for crying out loud, man, keep it to yourself! We may not be paying taxes on the sale of the stuff but at least we ain’t on the welfare rolls. Western Slope Organic Hemp Coop, Surface Creek Exchange.
College-educated potato peeler needed to give stimulating lectures and prepare truck stop food at local hunting camp. Heavy drinker preferred but will train. Mother’s Guide and Outfitting, 23 Dead End Place, Hardwood Sprangs.
Jake Brake Cologne – The right scent for the over-the-road warrior who hopes to make it down to Ouray before dark. Available at Red’s Mountain Pass, Otto’s and other fine eateries with large parking lots. Bottled under the strict supervision of her majesty, Mother Cline.
Found: Pair of full-figure panty hose near Ophir Loop. To claim please leave description at post office.
Tex-change operations daily at our secret clinic in Taylor Canyon. Guaranteed semi-painless or your deposit cheerfully refunded. References not an obstacle. Millions of delighted customers. Ask for Dr. Snorte.
Public Notice: The circus act “Jungle Jim’s African Lions” will now be doing business as “The African Lions”. Furthermore, the remaining entertainment principals will no longer be responsible for the past exploitations, manipulations and private debts of the late James “Jungle Jim” Tamer (11/5/13).
Goose fertilizer $25 per ton firm. Guaranteed to grow, healthy, strong birds. Tom Collins Farms.
Get paid for not mowing your lawn. Contact a federal government near you.
Afraid to fly? Hey, with all the terrorism, trigger-happy pilots and bad food who wouldn’t be? Now there’s help. We’ll fly for you. Any destination. Any schedule. Hell, we’ll even haul luggage given to us by people we don’t know. Bonus: Sign up today and we will arrange to have people meet you outside the airport or drive you to the nearest bus station. Big Bird Ltd., Antelope Hills.
For sale: Military surplus from much-maligned War on Drugs. Perfect for second home or military bunker system. Federal subsidy available for starter militias. See Mr. Winn at the Sandinista Gun and Tool Show at Jingo Auditorium. Three years ago we couldn’t even spell camouflage and now we are invisible.
Devious drunkard seeks small, beat up trailer for use during the colder months. Will be constantly late on rent and leave the whole shooting match a mess when spring arrives and I go back out to sleep in the woods. References on request. Will also consider caretaker position unless I decide to go to Mexico for the holidays. Warren of Wexley at Apocalypse Liquors, Wimpton Circle.
BUY DEER AND ELK DIRECTLY FROM JAPANESE MARKETS. Contact Jane Honda at the newly remodeled Super Fund Complex.
Will wash your car all winter in return for long distance telephone privileges in your home. Got any sisters? Whitewater Walt. Watch for me in the ditch along Highway 50.
Hunters: Is your blood alcohol higher than your IQ? For complimentary consultation contact the Colorado Highway Patrol before it contacts you.
I retired at six-years-old. So can/should you. Send $25 for kit to Melvin Toole c/o this rattle sheet.
Loose 200 pounds of basic body fat just by watching daytime television. Send $10 to Voodoo Electronics, c/o Toole Belts, Box 615, Gunnison, CO 81230.
Gelded love seat for sale cheap. It didn’t wok out and I’m giving up on men. Wanda Wanna, Placerville. Also for lease: Some dog hair. Sal Dalmatian, General Delivery, Crested Butte.
Want to shoot real big deer and elk right off your porch in a few years? Desperate! Need place to dump 145,000 cubic yards of radioactive waste quickly. All offers considered. No real estate agents please. Send sealed bids to Director of Mutations, Umetco Animals and Minerals, Uravan, CO 81436
OUR REGION
with Melvin Toole
Much of Colorado Now Wyoming
(Cowdrey) High winds are blamed for the forced transfer of about 500 acres from Colorado to Wyoming according to meteorologists here. The land, mostly topsoil and road dust, is now in the custody of Wyoming serfs who intend to raise cattle on it.
“At approximately four o’clock Colona time an estimated 498 acres of Colorado crossed over the sovereign border of the State of Wyoming, effectively joining the Commonwealth of Wyoming” said a spokesman for the U.S. Weather Service. “At this time we do not expect topographic maps to be altered or a military response of any kind. We will not know the appropriate action to take until the surveyors have completed a primary charting of the area in question.”
Angry Coloradans from Crook to Cortez are demanding action. Already militia units, backed up by the Air Force Academy marching band, are operating along the border. Carpet bombing has been ruled out since the area in question is covered with thousands of tiny throw rugs.
“There may be a lot of threats and some saber rattling in the Colorado House,” flinched the weather service source, “but we don’t foresee landing troops or arranging a naval blockade at least this morning.”
Calmer heads in the legislature suggest that since the land was not taken by force, the intelligent approach is simply to sit back and wait for a good north wind.
ANARCHISTS CONTINUE TO HOLD LAUNDROMAT
(Lake City) The Lost Sock Laundromat remains in the hands of desperate anarchists who seek to redefine political and social stability in this once peaceful town. The squatting troops, numbering at least four, aided by subversive elements on Henson Creek, insist they can hold out until summer.
The situation has gained national attention as former US District Attorney, Janet Reno and 25,000 FBI agents are currently surrounding the site. The feds, embarrassed by violent overreaction in places like Waco and Ruby Ridge, have yet to make contact with the anarchists. They have, however, created a shortage of bologna, snap peas and ammunition in Hinsdale County.
“We’re pretty sure these rascals are mixing colors and whites and leaving laundry in the dryers longer than what is acceptable in modern society,” said one Dalhart tourist as she washed the family laundry on cold, autumn rocks near Lake San Cristobal. “Some of them aren’t even using fabric softener.”
At press time there is “a lot of dirty laundry” in Lake City.
“Thank goodness for the T-shirt shops or we’d all have to go around naked,” continued the Texas woman, “and nobody wants to see that. This sorry episode has been on the rinse cycle far too long.”
Consumer Group Claims Shock Electric Company
(Ouray) San Miguel Power Company has been accused of using “old electricity” in its wires and of illegal recycling of power by enchanted wind instruments. According to a story in The Pea Green Peeper San Miguel Power has misrepresented its product, selling used electric current as if it were brand new.
“There is no truth to these cruel accusations,” said Oral Waters, legal council for the power company. “They are only the work of angry men who have invested thousands of dollars in generators only to realize that Y2K and Doomsday are just crocks of bird paste. We ferment all of our own electricity right here below Box Canyon Falls. We can prove it. We have the receipts.”
November 31 Competition Canceled
(Gunnison) The annual bloodletting involving the Class A Woodstock Geezers and the Extreme Barbecue Gladiators has been called off since it could rain. The match will be moved to Parlin and played as part of a doubleheader on December 4. Persons who have purchased admission slips for the games will be shuttled to Parlin from evacuation points all along Tomichi Creek. Others unable to attend the event are encouraged to sell tickets at designated shoulders along Highway 50. Scalping will not be tolerated without note from one’s barber.
ASYLUM TO CLOSE FOR REPAIRS
(Delta) The Pea Green Psychiatric Hospital will close for repairs from November 21 to January 31. Inmates, patients and staff will be released on the morning of November 20 so crews can prepare for the long needed overhaul of facilities there. Most seriously ill clients of the asylum will be placed in local government positions since many of the regular employees have taken winter vacations. The remaining patients will be driven to Ouray and Telluride where they will roam the streets until the work has been completed.
Smoke Jumpers Save Burning VW
(Ridgway) 700 battle-hardened smoke jumpers dropped into town the other night just in time to avert what might have been an undetected disaster. The jumpers landed on North Cora Street just as a Volkswagon micro-bus caught fire. The blaze was quickly brought under control prior to the arrival of 400 more fire fighters from the region.
“It’s a good thing those smoke jumpers showed up or we might have lost the entire town,” said fireman David Houtz who reportedly made over $10,000 selling gin and tonics to the crowd.
