All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category

Crested Butte Extends Liquor Licenses

(Gothic) In an attempt to relieve the tight housing crunch, the Town of Crested Butte has issued 24-hour liquor licenses to many wet establishments here. The move is aimed at giving the houseless a place to spend the night.

“Let’s not confuse the houseless with the homeless,” said Darci Vega, originator of the controversial plan. “These local poor souls are simply inconvenienced for the time being and will probably find accommodations in a few weeks while the homeless are those other people who are not affected by seasonal considerations.”

The plan is expected to increase the tax base significantly while keeping folks off the streets on cold nights.

“Some people never knew when to go home before,” said Bill Dickerson, former Mt. C.B. burgermeister and recent proprietor of the Talk of the Town pub. “With the new proposal that decision has been made much easier for them. We support the idea, even though we’ve been forced to put on another shift. You just haven’t lived until you watch a customer scarf down a chili dog with his corn flakes at 6 o’clock in the morning.”

– Mel Toole

IRS TARGETS ALUMINUM CAN COLLECTORS

(Washington) The Internal Revenue Service is concerned with aluminum cans. Actually it is more concerned with the evasive tendencies of those engaged in the gathering of these treasures, alleging that the government has not been cut in on the action.

“These criminals are not paying their fair share on the profits generated in this lucrative exchange,” said Otto B. Broke of the IRS. “We only want what’s coming to us.”

Broke assured us that his agency had already taken steps to insure that this behavior would cease and that these tax dodgers would be brought to justice.

“Even if we have to post an agent at every dumpster in every town in America, we will nip this conspiracy in the bud,” he insisted.

A new federal tax form, number 1199, has been issued and persons who fail to file a return and comply with the newest regulations could be deported. Broke said the country is losing over $600 per aluminum can operation per annum and added that there may be as many as 4 million Americans engaged in this dumpster-diving trade.

“We even had a case where one aluminum enthusiast attempted to write off his shabby clothing as a uniform, declared his cardboard shack to be his office and claimed each individual can as a dependent”, laughed Broke.

“The guy was so shifty, so creative that we hired him and he now works for us! There are criminals everywhere blending in with the peasant population. Don’t these people realize that we need their mandatory fiscal contributions to keep the country running smoothly?” -Kashmir Horseshoe

LIFT TICKETS REPLACED BY TATOOS

(Crested Butte) In keeping with a pledge to save paper and aluminum, CBMR will replace the traditional lift ticket with a tattoo next year. According to a marketing source, the actual substitution will come in the form of designated tattoos and/or a combination of the marks.

People who buy a Gold Pass will receive a gold tattoo designed to last through the April closing date. This tattoo will allow them to board lifts on any date during the season. Persons purchasing a Silver Pass will likewise receive a silver tattoo which slightly limits access to the mountain. The Bronze Pass will be replaced by a bronze tattoo, in keeping with corporate uniformity.

Single and multiple day skiers will receive a temporary “I Actually paid full price” tattoo on the arm or leg when they arrive to ski. Designs likely to be popular include the ever-popular “Mom”, the multi-colored butterfly, “Hell’s Angels-Frisco”, GAP, the Coors Lite logo, the marijuana leaf, the Denver Broncos or various military insignias.

Tattoos on the posterior will not be accepted for lift access on holiday weekends or during spring break.

“Move over Free Skiing!” exclaimed the CBMR source. “Once again we find ourselves as the prototype of skiing in the 21st Century. Just wait until Aspen and Vail find out what we’re up to. They’ll shit a brick.”

Although sources here admit that things could get chaotic at first, they feel the new system has many merits. Beginning in June, several hundred tattoo artists from 17 states and 12 foreign countries will attend a week of seminars aimed a facilitating the move. Then, in July lift operators will undergo two weeks of concentrated instruction on the ancient art of tattooing. They will then prick and ingrain their co-workers with an assortment of tattoos ranging from lift op to ski patrol to food service.

By August most employees will be tattooed and the slope faithful will be scheduled, not for pass photos, but for seasonal tattoos of their own.

“We are certain the idea will fly,” said the source. “The tattoos will no doubt become status symbols and if the snow is scarce, one can still show off his or her design in the bars or on some faraway Caribbean beach.”

-Dude Skuldiver

—APOLOGY—

Last month the San Juan Horseshoe incorrectly reported that residents of Crested Butte, Lake Irwin, Gothic and Jack’s Cabin could receive their annual giardia shots at Crested Butte Veterinary Clinic on Mondays and Wednesdays from 9 am till noon on March 6. The release should have read Mondays and Tuesdays through March 13. Sorry for any inconvenience. The baby journalist who filed the story has been fired, her ancestral home at Meridian Lake burned to the ground. Patients are again reminded to shun alcoholic beverages for at least three weeks prior to subjecting themselves to this litigious and experimental witchcraft. Residents of Mt. Crested Butte, CB South, Rosebud Gulch, Pittsburg and Elkton can procure giardia shots for a nominal fee at any of the St. Roscoe clinics in the Upper Gunnison Valley. These lucky few are not required to avoid alcohol in any form, in fact they are encouraged to drink large quantities of the stuff prior to the immunization. More on this when it becomes available.

Cruel and Unusual Punishment

Not a lot of ‘em in Stringtown much cared for Ma MacElliot or any from her whole pestering clan for that matter. They found the old lady (Ma) to be abrasive, petty, callous, loud and whiny. They didn’t like her because her dogs were mean and her sons were meaner. They didn’t like her because she constantly spit tobacco juice, often on their shiny shoes, nice green lawns and acutely swept Stringtown sidewalks.

And personal hygiene may have just as well been a French greeting. Rashes found a warm welcome in her every crevice, while matching socks would have been a coordinated victory. She broke wind at the most erratic times and in the most inappropriate places. She never washed her hair and her Rambler Ambassador smelled of rotten eggs and sour milk.

She wore a stained Bronco jersey, with some player’s name faded on the back. Ma’s mere presence at the grocery, a stroll through the second-hand store or a prowl at the dump she could anger and embarrass large swaths of humanity.

Nora Goode explained that resentment hatched because Ma had once been a blue blood and, like the other MacElliots had fallen on cumulative faces and now were just as broke as everyone else on the south side of the unraveling town’s bucolic social networks. They were has-beens and in less than two generations had fallen from Brahmans to bums.

Ma cursed as a mouse shot across the floor. She wished she had kept one of the feral cats that used to inhabit the place. She had exiled them, meows and all, to the barn where they now set up house, ignoring the purge of the rodent proletariat at the old home doublewide.

“Bet there’s no mice prancing around inside that barn,” she groaned. “They’re all over here.”

When Ma got her fifth DUI George W. was still President. Now it was her sixth arrest on drinking and driving. She had been coming back (doing the speed limit with at least one headlight on) from a tractor pull in Utah when a cow elk jumped onto the highway in San Miguel Canyon and collided with her pickup. During the ensuing investigation it became apparent that Ma had been sipping. Her low profile/high alcohol level was easily enough to win her a spot at the Montrose jail for the night.

“I only had a six-pack. That’s what I get for doing the damn speed limit,” said Ma. “If I’d have been speeding I’d never have hit that elk. Oh well, jail won’t be so bad. At least I’ve earned a few months away from my worthless relatives.”

Then she said, “It’s a conspiracy. The cops are hiding out and waiting for me! When I still had money it was different, more formal…all the lawyers and bail, the plea bargains and alcohol classes,” she sighed. “But now they tell me I’m some kind of indeegent, which means they can’t squeeze no more dollars outa this one!”

“Six offences I see,” said the judge and no sense of remorse…that’ll be 120 days or 160 days in lieu of fine.”

UNDER THE TREE 2013

Or you could give them a lion…

UROLOGIC BOW TIE – The key here is size and the Urologic Bow Tie is purposely out of proportion. It’s so small it makes everything else seem much larger. Microscopic tie clasp and cuff-links sold separately. No implants but minor surgery required. Gift certificates available. St. Roscoe’s Hospital and the Mao Clinic. About $400.

ASSAULT SNOWBOARD – Is there someone on your Christmas list who takes his winter sports seriously? This snowboard is glazed with a mercury-based oleo concoction that assures immediate takeoff. Restraint device attaches directly to the brain for one’s ultimate safety. Stores easily in any large refrigerator unit. Complete with prescribed storm trooper’s footwear, this board is all one needs to carve out a chunk of territory on the slopes. Buy one this year before the feds ban these babies too. For sale at Sub Kulchure’s and all Yo Dude Stores in Wimpton and Manana. $499.

DANIELLE STEEL COMPANION READER – Do you know someone who has a tough time getting through anything longer than a menu? This reader presents setting, plot, characters and lavish wardrobes in simple, easy to read one syllable words. From the outside it looks like a regular book, but when it is opened up the larger than life letters jump right out at you as do the full color renditions of significant scenes. Comes with CD or cassette support. Buckhorn Books in Ouray and Bookworm in Gunnison. $25.

THE NEIGHBOR’S SILVERWARE – This is not only a very innovative approach to Christmas, but it reeks of subtle frugality. When choosing the proper heist make sure all the stuff matches and is clean. A gift box for the spoons, knives, forks and other pieces can be fashioned from an rectangle jewelry box, which can often be located in an upstairs bedroom. As with many of the more creative hands-on Christmas gifts, the silverware concept can vary. Many people prefer to present the utensils in an oak or pine box with a felt liner, while other more utilitarian benefactors simply wrap the merchandise in some newspaper and be done with it. Available right next door or down the block. Free unless…

TWINKIE CAR PHONE/DECORATIVE CANDLE ENGINE HEATER Security is the name of the game these days and this kit is sure to confuse the car thief or the back seat driver. The phone mounts right to the dash, looking like a discarded Twinkie. The engine heater candle fits right under the oil pan and ignites when the temperatures drop below zero. What a gift for the motor head. Coming in January: The Trash Bag Car Stereo, a cleverly disguised audio system that appears to be nothing more than a litter bag. It even has a quart of milk and coffee grinds sticking out of the top for affect. All Reefer Madness Boutiques, Sal’s Used Sox, Closed for Breakfast Cafe and Vampire Auto in Malfunction. $129.99.

CLOSING TIME COLOGNE – Radiate the seedy side of life. This perfume doesn’t attract much of anything, since the recipient of this gift will smell like a stale, smokey bar. Why spend all that money trying to be somebody? Now you can achieve that loathsome odor right in your own bathroom! Comes in pint or quart for overkill. About $90 in the lotion section of your favorite liquor store. Sorry: No sales over the bar.

REMOTE-CONTROL EGGPLANT PERUKE – Just like the ones worn by our founding fathers. With this fine addition bad hair days will be a thing of the past. Fits most heads and even stays in place during high winds and other periods of natural disaster or mental anxiety. Made of 100% Canadian eggplant fiber with built-in remote control that keeps locks in place. Organically pleasing too. $500 exclusively at Mike’s Market in Montrose.

ATM CLUB – This handy device keeps crooks at bay while making a cash withdrawal. Fits firmly over ATM machine just like the one on your steering wheel. Endorsed by real policemen and people who dress like them. Detects bad intentions after dark. Most effective when used with large caliber pistol or mace. $75.00. Mail order only.

VAMPIRE NIGHT LIGHT – Got a kid on your list who’s afraid of the dark? Buy them this reasonably priced gift and scare the hell out of them over the holidays. Protruding eyes follow movement and blood drips from the fangs. Plugs easily into any electrical outlet via easy access bat collar. Hums popular Christmas carols in Transylvanian. This stocking stuffer sells for a mere $5 and may be worth more. Baaaahaaaaahhhaaaaaaa….!!

DUST MITE TERRARIUM AND PERSONALIZED COFFEE CUP – Remind someone on your Christmas list that we are not here alone. Includes millions of busy dust mites in simulated dust particle enclosure. Lid features radioactive microscope certain to detect the behavior of tiny mites at work and at play. The coffee cup displays a large dust mite on both sides and is engraved with the name of the recipient. Give the gift that says you gave a gift this year. $150 at Mighty Mites and all Bugsy Boop’s Boutiques.

SOLAR-POWERED COWBOY HAT – For the cowboy or cowgirl that thinks on his/her feet. Power is stored on sunny days and generated by body heat when the sun goes away. Comes in white, black, brown and hazel. Will not hinder mental capacity for persons who usually wear hats in bed and to the breakfast table. Safe when used around cattle and horses. Fits securely to head and will continue to collect energy, whether it is in place or hanging in a pickup. Not suggested for use with coal-fired horse trailers or nuclear cowboy boots. $125 at most New Age Western stores. Hang out at the drugstore in style in 2014!

ICE CLIMBING VINE – Just like the one covering the outfield walls at Wrigley Field! Fast-growing, this incredible bit of vegetation will survive in the harshest of climatic conditions. Needing little or no sun the vine crawls its way up any icy surface. It’s a fine gift for the ice climber or botanical enthusiast on the way to the top. Sold at OBrien’s Pub and Box Canyon Motel. Price depends on maturity.

MOTRIM MODEM – Just dial the right number and your headache takes a powder. From the people who brought you Target Eye Massage Field Glasses. About $100.

DEAD DICTATORS SING CHRISTMAS TUNES – This wonderful CD represents a tasteful mix of Yuletide favorites. Included are Joe Stalin, Papa Doc Duvalier, Anastasio Somoza, Benito Mussolini, Napoleon and others. You haven’t lived until you’ve witnessed Nikita Krushchev’s rendition of Deck the Halls backed up by the Fidel Castro Quartet. $16.95 where specialty music is sold. English version slightly higher.

ˇ    -Kashmir Horseshoe

Police Report

The bothersome DesPLants family, often the subject of this posting, is on an all-inclusive prison farm vacation this month and earned no mention in this current street report of crime in the region. In the absence of these felons we will concentrate on other criminal activity without them.

Montrose: Mrs Paul fined $1000 for illegal fishing on the lower Uncompahgre.. The citation sites Paul’s hostility to authorities and resisting arrest pushes the infraction to an aggravated felony which could net the fish stick princess 5 years in “the maximum security aquarium” according to the Division of Wildlife. Paul, along with several other fish stick barons were netted and taken to a holding tank until the day’s catch could be estimated. Her fleet is currently the victim of a controlled burn in Dry Creek.

Gunnison: Ronald McDonald and grease rival (the) Burger King were arrested for fighting outside of a local bar at closing time. While the clown suffered a severely shredded nose and hair loss, the king was hospitalized due to what alliterate police called “a baffling blitzkrieg of bites and bruises about the neck an shoulders.” This morning the king reported that his crown, knocked askew during the shuffle was likely stolen by a fellow drunkard at the scene of the altercation. Both fast food giants are due in quart Monday for arraignment.

Colona: An unidentified woman forced her way into the old schoolhouse, completely disrupting the Miss Colona Pageant, scattering hay, cat feces and bits of colorful polyester all the way to Ridgway. The assailant, identified as Ruthie Roosterson was despondent at the county’s seizure of the over 70 cats residing at her trailer. After the dust cleared Roosterson posted the minimum bet of Crazy Horse in the fifth and was released into the custody of her better judgment. Her trailer will be dynamited to disperse the cats.

Ridgway: In what appears to be an attempt to keep up with more famous crime-ridden resorts in the neighborhood, a group of idle residents here has taken to planting poison ivy and marijuana in the town park. The cultivation of weeds and herbs is strictly forbidden here despite recently released figures suggesting benefits of certain cultivation under state supervision. The statistics, accumulated by by over 300 economists confirmed that the federal gov’ment could save $13.7 billion on prohibition enforcement costs and gain tax revenue by legalizing pot. The poison ivy, while not for consumption, has been found to be an effective repellent for tourists who trample the lawn and overtax services throughout the summer months. Police have made over no arrests. Suspects, if there were any could be held in a heated barn on Dallas Divide until these developments can be sorted out.

Lake City: Mary Magdelino, a winter intern attached to the Freedonian Embassy, was detained briefly for tax evasion, spitting on the street, mail fraud, drunk driving, dogs at large, soliciting magazine subscriptions without a permit, assault on a bus driver and conspiracy to split green firewood. After a laborious strip search it was discovered that the 280-pound weightlifter possessed an eagle feather, a felony in Colorado. Magdelino has pleaded innocent to the splitting charges and claims self-defense in the spitting charges claiming that her false teeth were possessed by the devil..

Montrose: Old Man (Ernesto) McGill was indicted today for black market sausage making in the Shavano Valley. The all-male jury also found McGill guilty of pirating meat software, cutting firewood without a permit, hoarding sauerkraut, driving a ’53 Chevy in a 55 zone, and rebroadcasting or other use of the play-by-play descriptions of a Rockies’ game without express written consent. He is expected to appeal on the basis of temporary insanity.

Crested Butte: A gargantuan food fight, sponsored by local restaurants to bring tourists to town, quickly got out of control as competitors pelted police and passersby. For blocks everything was covered in six to eight feet of food. After the deluge, as a purple Rocky Mountain evening fell, most buildings, cars, signs, streets, curbs, sewers and revelers had been hauled off to undisclosed spots by bands of marauding Galician pirates. It is hoped that order will return as soon as authorities can acquisition police vehicles from Gunnison and get a stone marshal’s office flown in from Denver.

– Jack Spratt

In Europe Controversy Over Sport of Dwarf-Tossing

British Clubgoers Vie to Cast A 4-Foot-4 Man Farthest

EDENBRIDGE, England – When Vera Squarcialupi first heard that some people in Britain were practicing a sport called dwarf-throwing she thought it must be a joke.  “I just rejected it,” says the former member of the European Parliament.

Once she was convinced it was true, Ms. Squarcialupi, an Italian Communist, introduced a proposal that condemns competitions where ‘particularly robust men’ prove their strength by “throwing a person of restricted growth, i.e. a dwarf, as far as possible.”  And she isn’t alone in objecting: Members of Britain’s Parliament and groups for the handicapped have also protested.

Dwarf throwing contests are said to have originated in Australia as part of a competition between nightclub bouncers.   In Europe, dwarf-throwing has taken place only in England and involves just one willing dwarf.  But even if the practice isn’t widespread, it is creating considerable controversy.  “It’s appalling that such a practice would be considered entertainment in this day and age,” says John Hannam, a British M.P. Ms. Squarcialupi adds, “This is a new form of exploitation, using a human being as an object.”

Dwarf-rights groups say the sport is dangerous and demeaning. “If this were black-people-throwing or paraplegic-throwing, people would be horrified,” says Pam Rutt, the acting chairman of the Association for Research into Restricted Growth and herself a dwarf.  “It’s nothing less than freak-show entertainment.”

COMEDY ACT

But to Danny Bamford, the promoter who organized dwarf-throwing contests in England, it is just good fun.  “People say it’s degrading,” says Mr. Bamford, a wisecracking former welterweight boxer with bleached-blond shoulder-length hair.  “But it allows the little fellow to show he can go out and be someone.”

The little fellow is Lenny the Giant, a 4-foot-4-inch, 98-pound dwarf. (Lenny, after checking with Mr. Bamford, declines to give his family name. “Just call him Lenny Bamford,” says his manager.)  Lenny and Mr. Bamford are part of a four-man comedy act called the Oddballs.

As Mr. Bamford attached leather belts around Lenny’s hips and shoulders the manager keeps up a lively patter.

“Lenny, have you been hurt?”

“No.”

“Is it fun?”

“Yes.”

THE CONTEST BEGINS

Mr. Bamford peers out through the smoke toward the audience. “There’s been some controversy about dwarf-throwing,” he shouts at the crowd.  “But twist Lenny’s ear and he’ll tell you it’s been a lot of fun and he’s met a lot of people.  All right who wants to throw the dwarf?”

Each contestant picks Lenny up by his harness and-while the laughing, hard-drinking crowd screams, “one, two, THREE” – swings him underhanded onto a pile of mattresses.  Lenny lies motionless while the toss is measured, then bounces up and acknowledges the cheers and laughter with a grin, ready for the next throw.

The Edenbridge contest is won by Jim Clark, a postal clerk from nearby Bexley Heath, with a toss that is well shy of the English record of 12 feet, 5 inches.  “A lot if people say it’s easy,” Mr. Bamford says by way of explanation from the mediocre performance, “but when you’ve got (98 pounds) if dead weight…”

Ms. Rutt says that this is dangerous, regardless of how far Lenny is thrown.  Dwarfism, a hormonal imbalance restricting growth can be caused by a number of medical conditions, also involves a spinal disorder.  Dwarfs like Lenny risk serious injury from jarring or twisting, she says, adding “He could end up in a wheelchair.”

But Lenny doesn’t seem worried.  Talking after the show in a makeshift dressing room crowded with drunken, middle-aged women seeking autographs, he says his training in karate and judo has prepared him for the sport.

Lenny seems out of place in this seedy milieu.  Well-dressed and eager to please, he times and again offers to get drinks for a visitor and graciously gives a seat to one of the teetering autograph seekers.  The 29-year-old emigrated with his family from India 20 years ago, and still lives with his mother.  Before joining the Oddballs, he worked in a factory making circuit boards for personal computers.

He professes to enjoy being thrown and says those who criticize the sport do so out of ignorance.  “I don’t know how they can say they think it’s wrong when they haven’t even seen the show.” he says.  Mr. Bamford pipes in, “It was Lenny’s idea, and as soon as he says he doesn’t want to do it anymore, we won’t do it.”

Mr. Clark, who had the winning toss at Edenbridge, wonders what all the fuss is about.  “It’s just a bit of fun that’s not detrimental to anyone,” he says.  “The little chap is a professional entertainer and if he’s happy with the arrangement and is getting paid for it, then it’s okay with me.  He’s not drugged or anything.”  (Lenny makes an average of about $72 a night for the Oddballs act.)

Ms. Rutt sees it differently.  Even if Lenny is happy with his job, dwarf-tossing “perpetuates the image of dwarfs as non-people, as freaks, as something weird,” she says.  Besides, “If people get the idea that dwarf-tossing is all the rage and just for fun,: she says, “thugs and drunks on the street at night will say, “Hey, let’s go throw some dwarfs.”

Like Lenny, many dwarfs today still make their living in the entertainment business as circus performers, comedians or actors.  But while dwarf entertainers capitalize on their unusual condition, critics point out that they at least use skills-something not necessary for being a human projectile.

Notwithstanding the criticism, the practice could be spreading.  A bar in Chicago plans to start holding contests this month.  And if Mr. Bamford has his way, dwarf-tossing will spread even further.  He wants to stage a world championship next year, after holding national contests in Finland, Italy, Germany and the U.S.  He also plans to take four dwarfs and the English winner down under to challenge the “Australian champion.”

His plans may come to naught, however.  For one thing, the manager of the Australian bar where dwarf-tossing is said to have begun says the bar won’t hold any more contests, partly because the novelty has worn off.  For another, the outcry might be great enough to get the practice stopped in Britain.

Lenny, however, says he hopes to continue being thrown “if the protesters don’t stop it.  It’s fun.  And” – he casts a questioning glance at Mr. Bamford as if seeking approval – “it’s your job.”

-Paul Hemp

Staff Reporter of The WALL STREET JOURNAL

Turkey Lottery Cruel?

(Montrose) The proposed Turkey Lottery for next Thanksgiving has played to mixed reaction here and in other rural communities across the country.

Saying that the birds already encounter enough stress this time of the year one critic of the concept called the measure inhumane. Supporters of the bill insist that it will create a sense of justice and put a vast segment of the turkey population out of harm’s way, for now.

Here’s how it works: The birds will be assigned numbers based on birthdays and then draw for positions. Lower numbers will designate the dinner table while higher numbers will earn a reprieve for the year.

“It’s as fair as anything else,” said Melvin Toole, architect of the lottery. “This way the condemned can get their lives in order before November and the saved can go on with their lives without fear of a swan song with mashed potatoes and cranberries.”

Vegetarians were not consulted on this matter and plan to boycott the entire issue.

“What rubs my chops is that nobody has consulted the sweet potatoes or the yams,” said Toole

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