All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category
Three more reasons to visit Stockholm soon
Three reasons to visit Stockholm soon
GATHERERS ARRIVING DAILY
(Montrose) The local airport is jammed hunters today. But this year the annual migration of rifle totters is accentuated by the presence of more than 100,000 gatherers. The gatherers, the secondary component to the ancient order of humankind, have long been linked to hunters, making up a precedent to agrarian sects, Sumerian brew masters and the more sophisticated Puritan-Abolitionist-Yankee Insurance Linkage Conspiracy.
The gatherers, a rough, hungry looking pack of beggars, wasted no time in their struggle to feed themselves and their shabby offspring. Roots, berries, small trees and shrubs fell before the mighty onslaught. Later in the afternoon the barbaric hordes confiscated parking bunkers, lights, road signs, county commissioners and even bits of asphalt before moving on to high country redoubts along the Uncompahgre Plateau, rainy Dry Creek and the painfully crooked Straights of Colona (oerthodontisima reconoitera).
“Frankly we’re happy to have these folks around this time of the year,” quipped Melvin Toolini, executive director of the Chief Colorow Soil Conservation District. “Not only do they haul out a lot of debris but they keep the hunters in check.”
Gatherers, associated with hunters since before anthropology carved its name on the wall, are quieter and usually far more sober than the average orange-clad meat seeker. They travel in small bands (often without a decent bass player), shadowed by teeming ox carts crammed full of everything from discolored banana peels to rusty snuff cans to impartial elk droppings to soggy balls of string to curious Spam tins to discarded passages of the United States Constitution.
“We observed one hunched-over gatherer attempting to digest the Bill of Rights just the other afternoon on Simms Mesa,” said Toolini, “but the federals happened by, and with the aid of complacency, succeeded, in driving the madman off into the dark Forest of Illiteracy.
For the uninitiated, the Constitution and Bill of Rights are very dangerous documents that, falling into the wrong hands, could threaten our way of life.
The gatherers are expected to remain in the region until everything is gathered. Then they will move to the Confront Range where their massive warehouses are located.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
UTAH ACCUSED OF STEALING ELK
(Moab) The state of Utah has once again been accused of stealing Colorado elk. A formal complaint was filed in district quart here this morning calling for the return of the animals and undisclosed reparations that would be paid to Colorado from its neighbor to the west. The document alleges that diabolical and covert factions representing the powers that be in Salt Lake City have been kidnapping elk from the Uncompahgre Plateau and smuggling them past elite border patrol divisions at Mack, Dove Creek and LaSal Junction.
“These evil connivers have been disguising the elk as jumbo holiday fruit baskets in order to slip past the guards,” said Melvin Toole, a recognized expert in cattle rustling who spent ten to twenty at Canon City working toward advanced degrees on the subject. “They’re obviously trying to beef up their own pathetic herds in order to compete for out-of-state hunters.”
Utah is already doing a bang-up job of competing with Colorado in the arenas of skiing and summer tourism.
“This is a sensitive issue due to fiscal overtones,” said Toole who remains true to his warped contention that since there is no longer a state tourism tax there is, in turn, no longer a reason to be nice to tourists.
Meanwhile sources in Utah insist that they have never stolen so much as a Columbine from Colorado.
“We won them elk fair and square in a poker game in Rangely last month,” said one Utah wildlife officer. “Yeah I know Mormons ain’t supposed to gamble but we got carried away with the all them pretty chips and all.”
According to the latest count some 350 elk and a few hundred deer are currently missing and that represents grand theft, punishable by fines and penal servitude.
“They can’t prove a darn thing,” added the Utah suspect, “since the elk cross the borders whenever they like and nobody holds wapiti branding sessions anymore.”
St. Roscoe Appears to Arkansas Hunters
(Cimarron) In a rare mid-week appearance Saint Roscoe, the patron saint of RV enthusiasts, visited three different hunting camps on Wednesday evening warning inmates as to the dangers of camp beans. Showing up at dinnertime at a large encampment on the West Fork of the Cimarron St. Roscoe encouraged hunters to eat more greens while out in the woods.
“Believe you me,” began Roscoe, “if you see the forest as your ally it is imperative to embrace some form of the vegetarian experience.”
The occupants of the camp, all from Arkansas, smiled and offered Roscoe biscuits and gravy. All agreed that the saint was quite inebriated and repeatedly yielded to a small pint bottle that he had in his coat pocket.
“I’ve never seen a polyester leisure suit in that shade of blaze orange,” said one hunter.
Hopefully he won’t be back,” quipped another. “He was scaring the daylights out of the horses.”
Saint Roscoe stopped by for a few minutes at two other camps in the vicinity but according to everyone involved he had already forgotten his message and was content to exchange hunting tales with the assemblage.
KBUT TO BROADCAST HUNTING SEASON
(Crested Butte) Once again KBUT-FM will broadcast the current hunting season in its entirety. The program, expanded this year to include Grand Mesa and the Quartz Creek Valley, will run from October 14 through November 22. It will most likely cover all special seasons as well as farmer’s season. Peasant season will not be featured in that the directors of the station feel that it is inappropriate.
Interested parties are reminded that there will be no televised coverage of the event.
“The mounting dog problem is not a subject that is suitable for the barber shop, the poker table or the common bar room. Questions of morality like this belong in the Town Council chambers.” -Kashmir Horseshoe
Charm School Enrollments Skyrocket
(Montrose) The number of persons registering for local charm schools has tripled since last year according to educational wizards here. Prospective students now number in the hundreds catching administrators by surprise and calling for more instructors/counselors for the fall semester.
The schools, which specialize in personality polishing, hygiene and the adoption of specified etiquette have struggled of late due to the economy. Many had faced closure and bankruptcies have been common.
The desire to better oneself and the opportunity to improve social standing are seen as major developments in the educational phenomenon. The extension of a lifelong military draft deferment for students has played well too according to a spokesman for the glamour industry.
“The demand is clear enough,” said the source, but there is only so much we can do.”
STATE MAY OUTLAW GRAVY
(Denver) There was white gravy on the floor of the state senate this afternoon as lawmakers discussed a controversial bill that would limit and, in extreme cases, even criminalize the consumption of gravy in Colorado.
Saying that the inclusion of gravy on such decadent foods as mashed potatoes and noodles is “too much fun for the Coloradans to handle” Senator Oral Noise (Unitarian-Aurora) called for a straw vote. This primitive approach to ballot bouncing seemed to confuse the gallery and sent most legislators into a tail spin. Noise called the move expeditious which, colloquially speaking, could mean the hand is quicker than the eye, according to his critics.
The governing body placed the bill on the summer docket due to a long held belief that “if the state can’t tax it the people don’t need it”. Other more conservative elements in both the house and senate fear foreign influence in the kitchen.
“Just when does gravy become sauce?” asked Noise.
The senate is expected to vote on the measure as soon as they’ve had lunch, a tough, dry salisbury steak served on white bread.
Gravy, a mainstay on the Western Slope has fallen into disfavor of late due to cholesterol-conscious helpers and tofu pirates who say the stuff is not good for you. Proponents of gravy say these people are under the assumption that the government has some sacred right to decide what we should pour over our food.
Gravy is currently legal in Utah and parts of Wyoming.
Back To The Range Returns to Old Cowboy Tradition
If you listen real close to Doug Robert’s new CD you can almost taste the trail dust. If you kick back and lend and ear you might just see Charles Goodnight or Oliver Loving riding furiously across the plains or sleeping gently under the stars to the sounds of the dogies wailing.
The artists on the selection of cowboy tunes wanted to create a mood, a sense of the authentic and they did it…Songs of drovers and wranglers, bits and bridles…spurs a-jinglin’.
Included on the work are familiar pieces written by the likes of Roy Rogers and Gene Autry plus an insight into the lyrical, tough old cowpunchers who worked dawn to dusk then slept with the herd following the American Civil War and far into the 20th Century.
What do Hopalong Cassidy, the Cisco Kid and Yosemite Sam have in common? They were all fictitious inhabitants of the range. These were never the John Chisums depicted here. Do you tear up at the sight of a Fredric Remington and love the rodeo ? Is Tom Mix your hero? Buy this CD.
Starting off with Back to the Saddle Again and moving into the haunting The Goodnight Loving Trail it is apparent that the preservation of the cowboy culture is paramount. The old Ernest Tubb favorite Walking the Floor Over You while not exactly a cowboy tune, showcases Robert’s fine voice and Miles and Miles of Texas features the talents of Gary Cook on lead guitar and Matt Palmer on the fiddle.
My favorite Angels Can Do No More is backed up by Ridin’ the Rio and Cross the Brazos at Waco, all perfect examples of Americana that may be diminishing by the day. This collection saves a cherished bit of our history and with a little concentration one can conjure up the smell of horseflesh.
Rounding out the selections are two strong performances of the Doc Watson classic South of Round Rock, Texas and Running Gun by Tompall Glaser featuring Carl Johnson on pedal steel guitar, Ben Simpson on drums, Jeff Solon on harmonica and Mark Epstein on banjo.
Vocals and guitar provided primarily by Memphis born Roberts are enhanced by the harmonizing of Richard Lee Cody and Lisa Blue
According to the liner notes “This project grew out of a genuine love of traditional cowboy tunes and western music. The American cowboy is the greatest most recognized folk figure in the world…It’s our hope that we have honored their legacy…The lure and mystique of the Old West is as compelling today as when the historic cattle trails were first blazed…”
The CD was produced at Redcliff Sound Studio in Durango and can be purchased through by emailing DOUG@NEWWESTMARKETING.
