All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category
Línea Maginot recorrerá Colorado en julio
Desde Eres Sólo Historia Antigua – 10 de julio 2015
(Crested Butte) El legendario Línea Maginot, piensa que es inexpugnable por las fuerzas francesas antes de 1940, visitará este antiguo gigante de la minería del carbón como parte de un verano espectacular viaje a través de los Rockies.
Unirse a la Línea Maginot será el advenedizo Siegfried Line, o Muro Occidental, así como la stumblebum Hindenburg Line, una posición defensiva hacia adelante alemán construido en 1916-1917 cerca de Soissons en el Aisne.
Lo que las tres líneas tienen en común es que ninguno realmente mantiene a nadie. La Maginot estaba flanqueado, el Siegfried desierta en la cara de victorias y el Hindenburg, a pesar de la lucha irregular, se perdió al armisticio firmado en 1919.
Tal vez lo que sigue para deleitar los historiadores de la guerra es el fracaso de la Línea Maginot, que resultó inútil cuando los alemanes simplemente tomó un atajo a través de Bélgica, yendo alrededor de las defensas de lujo y marchando a Vichy Paraíso.
A pesar de su vínculo con la derrota más devastadora de la nación en la historia de la línea todavía evoca un cierto orgullo, patriotismo sutil. Descubierto en un montón de basura París la Línea Maginot en 1946 el hito fue limpiado y poner de nuevo juntos a partir de mapas y gráficos de la Segunda Guerra pre-Mundial. Sus acompañantes fortificaciones militares Siegfried y Hindenburg siempre se han mantenido y sólo tenía que ser recogido y enviado (fortines y todo) a Nueva York, donde la gira por Estados Unidos se origina.
“La verdadera atracción aquí sigue siendo la Maginot”, dijo Entraylea Maginot, bisnieta de André Maginot el homónimo de la zanja sin gloria. “Eso es lo que la gente viene a ver. Le costó 3 mil millones de francos sólo por la alfombra! ”
Los mayores Maginot, que, afortunadamente para su honor, pasó en unos ocho años antes de la ineficacia de la línea fue sacada a la luz por los generales alemanes en 1940, no sabía ninguna de las otras líneas. Se espera que todos ellos se llevan bien durante los viajes.
La División de Cumplimiento y Turismo de Colorado espera que la inclusión de los recorridos y la venta de marihuana legal aumentará el turismo en un 30% este verano. – Bambi Bumble
Denver Man Drowns Watering Lawn
The Front Range Waterboard – June 25, 2015
Howard DelFisher was pronounced dead at St. Roscoe’s Hospital this afternoon after drowning on his lawn. The local man had defied authorities by refusing to comply with water conservation efforts. His rare feat was being examined at press time.
According to neighbors DelFisher flew into a rage when told he could only water his lawn every other day. Then soon after his explosion, somewhere along his watering regimen, he ran into the fatal business and the official cause of death: aggravated inhalation of water and submersion of breathing apparatus in same.
Denver water spokesman Merle Seabiscuit, told reporters that DelFisher appears to have had a heart attack and fell headfirst into about an inch and a half of water that had gathered at a low point on his lawn.
“He went quick, we think, although he could have taken quite a while to expire,” said Seabiscuit. “We did not observe his final moments.”
Denver residents may water only on proscribed days since the place is technically high desert and few of its residents have any concept of conserving anything.
“They go to the grocery and buy chicken in plastic. They go to the mall and buy pretty, colorful junk that they don’t need,” said Seabiscuit. “They turn on the faucet and what appears to be an endless supply of water comes out every time. The drought is on television. They feel that they deserve to water whenever they like and often do despite fines.
Surviving members of the DelFisher family intend to write FOX New as soon as they find a dictionary.
“They’ll get to the bottom of all this drought business and fight for our freedom,” said one descendent, who poured asphalt on his lawn last summer as a protest against restricted watering.
“Looks like the entire family has an attitude about water and the gov’ment,” said Seabiscuit.
DelFisher is slated to be cremated on Monday if authorities can get him lit. – Small Mouth Bess
Silent Majority Discovered
Montrose Eyes & Ears – June 25, 2015
The shadow Silent Majority, a term coined in 1968 by then vice president Spiro T Agnew, has been cornered after a full-scale investigation by multiple law enforcement agencies including the CIA and the FBI. According to a tedious 4000-page report the Silent Majority resides at 823139226754433 Road just west of here.
“It’s not really a very large dwelling to house an entire majority of anything,” said one agent who has been assigned to this case since about 1975. “We expected an important majority, silent or not to live in more luxurious digs. “Then we found the full basement and the tunnels.”
The tunnels led to the West End allowed for easy undetected journeys out of Colorado. The basement houses a pool table and ping-pong court, providing some diversion for the much-maligned group when it was not in action.
Although no one knows why the Silent Majority chooses to live in the said property or why the tunnels were dug it is pretty clear that the group was up to something.
“You’ll never get the answers out of us,” said one arrogant Silent Majority officer. “That’s why we’re known as Silent.”
The group, like right-wing Christian Republicans has had problems recruiting of late.
“All the dumb, angry old white people are beginning to die out replaced by younger versions of dumb, angry white people who are anything but silent,” said the agent.
“What is sad is that most do not possess the math skills to identify a majority, a minority or simple long division.”
Remaining under the radar has long been a priority of the Silent Majority, many of whom hibernate from October through May. Their complex system of codes and regulations is mindless and translates only into dated 19th Century election jingles.
The case was cracked wide open last week as members of the Silent Majority were identified as a threat to local noise ordinances and driven from town. A large group had assembled and were chattering away making cupcakes and pulling dandelions.
“No, they weren’t breaking any laws. They are just odd and we have nothing better to do than harass anyone that stands out,” said the agent. “Today the Silent Majority screams about religion, fears the light of day and watches television. I don’t see that as an improvement.”
Meanwhile the city fathers and mothers here have decided to erect a large plaque on Highway 90 announcing Montrose as the Hub of the Silent Majority. – Tommy Middlefinger
Next month: The Vocal Minority
Atlantis Massive Strip Mall Before Collapse?
(Uncooperative News Services – Colorado Rockies Edition – June 10, 2015)
The fabled lost continent of Atlantis most likely descended into a hodgepodge of gaudy strip malls before plummeting into the abyss, say a group of researchers credited with uncovering volumes of data on the lost continent.
Atlantis began as a system of farms and small communities but as consumerism outflanked logic and greed replaced man’s survival instincts the strip malls began to dominate the Atlantis skyline. Soon people stopped growing their own food relying on large food cartels to feed them. The situation deteriorated rapidly from here.
“Whether the strip malls were an attempt at architectural uniformity or the shoddy structures were simply an indication that the populace had given up hope is not clear,” said one psychic.
“We do know that when a society gives up the natural flow in favor of the artificial or synthetic routine it’s days are numbered. That may have occurred in Atlantis and may be happening right under our noses to the sound of the cash register jingling.”
The psychic was careful not to draw parallels to modern day realities or dwell on conjecture as to submerged islands.
“Plato’s demise of Atlantis is spotty while Aristotle may have lived in a Hellenic strip mall prior to meeting his great teacher,” she said. “There are strong indications that the suicide of Socrates was a direct result of the philosopher’s dislike of poorly designed, block buildings cropping up where farms used to exist.”
It is evident that the strip malls were inhabited by squatters at about the same time that the Atlantean monetary system failed,” she added. “The structures extended as far as Syracuse in Sicily. One mega mall drew shoppers from as far away as Crete and is said to have outshone even the Pillars of Hercules. – Rex Montaleone
Metric Politics Instituted
(Grand Imperial, Colorado — Progressive Math News — June 10, 2015)
In an attempt to modernize and simplify the electoral process, the United States government will implement a weights and balance system called Squirrel Metric Affairs.
The oddly named metric knockoff replaces the Imperial System. Named after Wilson Squirrel, a physicist from Cal Amari, this brand of metric appears more logical and more humane, two attributes not visible in the miles, pounds and feet lobby.
Other physicists and a couple hundred “yard employees” working at Ronald McDonald Douglas have all but completed a battery of interactive tests aimed at discovering the validity of Squirrel’s findings.
“Nuts!’ said one of the new standard bearers. “The answers to all of these questions is Nuts! Nuts hidden away for winter. It’s some kind of geek code between Squirrel and the boys and girls over in receiving. I hear it gets downright risqué when the tides come in.”
The test tube connection occurred after 48 hours of black coffee and desperate solicitation.
Almost all of the yard employees have complained of caffeine visions that have done little to undress broken promises or to step up as valid binary functions.
“”Your gov’ment will begin sending out conversion tables Thursday,” said Waldo Marques, who is somehow loosely attached to the effort. “If I were running this mess I’d tell everyone to shut up and sit down. I called Cal Amari the other afternoon and they’d never heard of Squirrel or the metric system.”
In a nutshell the system identified one Obama with 50 Democrats while two McConnells equal one Killovote. Simple enough so far, heh?
An exact conversion of debates to issues has yet to be established. No number of debates ever yields a single issue but a few issues could be tagged on to the end of most equations herein. (Ask any five-year-old to explain it to you.)
Since it is common knowledge among the elite that one can make plenty of Platforms, Milispeeches and Filibusters with just a relatively small investment and measuring tape. 200 of these in any order can replace an Issue altogether. 1000 Mini-polls equals an Assumption. Half an Assumption is the same as what they lovingly refer to as Policy.
Quantum Politics, which has yet to be invented by anyone named Squirrel, has leaped to the forefront in corporate boardrooms and university classrooms. General consensus suggests that only people in the position to benefit financially Squirrel’s Metric Affairs could possibly give a damn about these formulas.
The rest of the people will continue to watch television for answers.
Now you try: If 19.5 Campaign Promises times the TV Constant is the same as Integrated Popular Opinion divided by the correct number of Mini-Polls assorted by color and fabric where is the dog right now? Bonus: Who takes out the trash in this arrangement? (Hint: Don’t forget about News Byte Projection). – Breakfast Bill
