All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category

Opinion Prompter Could Change Political Landscape

from Departed Culture Review – June, 2015

Social scientists and computer techies agree that the days of intelligent political discussion may be over. With the newly released opinion prompter one’s strong beliefs on all subjects is are as close as a click! Now nobody will ever forget his opinion on anything.
There are times when technology needs no introduction. The impact is felt before it hits the marketplace. Pepsi Brothers Opinion Prompter is one of these products. Despite an incredible capacity for data and memory it works like a simple prompter. Just load the machine, categorize subjects according to vehemence or lightheartedness and you’re ready to go.
“How many times have you been engaged in a heavy political discussion with another moron when, just like that, you forget your opinion on a matter. Wow, you could even forget if you had had an opinion at all’” said Jerald Yarmouthe, owner of the Tip-of-the-Tongue Opinion Prompter patent for the Western United States.
“Well worry no more. Now instead of thinking, you just click and your highly detailed opinion on an issue pops up. Every chronicled episode, each unprocessed bite of information, every illogical summary will be right there in your hand,” he stressed.
Yarmouthe said the opinion prompter is guaranteed to run circles around the competitor no matter if he/she knows what he’s talking about or not. He claims to have sold 45 of the little machines in the Republican House already.
“Forgetting your opinion on matters is normal, especially as we get older,” smiled Yarmouthe. “Everyone knows an opinion is as important as arms and legs, as heart and soul,” he crisped. “It’s like not having an agenda or forgetting to go to the bathroom.”
And the Tip of the Tongue Opinion Prompter is heartily endorsed by Fox News, an opinion maker in its own right.
“People have enough to do each day without fogging up the bifocals by thinking,” said Yarmouthe. “Just plug in to your smart phone and go.”
– Uncle Pahgre

“It’s a damn good thing the rich have the newly shorn and castrated middle class to keep the poor people in their place.” – Tommy Middlefinger

Lake San Cristobal in Hinsdale County

Lake San Cristobal in Hinsdale County

COPS NET POT

(Pea Green Peeper – July 25, 2015)

Police here have confiscated an estimated 15,000 gallons of illegal marijuana, grown and harvested without a permit. The contraband was discovered by air Friday night. The growers had no plan as to how to dispose of the often-lucrative cash crop, although trips to Kansas and Utah had been discussed according to attorneys for the suspects.
The shed that housed the drying process was sold for an estimated $120,000 this morning for the resin that had built up on interior walls in just three seasons.
“These boys ain’t none too bright but they appear to have stumbled across just the right hybrid strain, producing beautiful buds and spitting out quality clones. They’ve been clearing a tidy sum each month too,” said a former onion farmer next door.
The marijuana is said to have a street value of 1.2 million dollars that is more money than most people make around here in a month!
Authorities mentioned that liquid marijuana is quite rare in these parts since it is so hard to keep lit. In addition the force is more comfortable referring to the drug in dry measures.
“If the rogue growers turn to the metric system we’re all pretty much screwed anyway,” said one police officer.
Colorado law restricts the amount of marijuana one can grow and maintain on hand. Although the majority of farms are relatively small at present many fear the entrance of large Monsanto-type growing operations like the one terminated at Pea Green.
The pot will be sold with the proceeds going to buy a new police cruiser.
– Tommy Middlefinger

Squash Still Suffers From Public Relations Crisis

(Squeeze Box Chronicle – July 10, 2015)

The North American Association of Squash Tillers has hired a Madison Avenue advertising firm to beef up its image and present a more attractive option on the dinner table. Squash sales have severely plummeted since the 2000 due in part to successful promotions by traditional competitors like turnips, soybeans, lentils and okra.
The introduction of cute little Tommy Turnip or giddy and cuddly Sarah Soybean have upset the apple cart. Lentils and okra have made great strides too in the garden and on the grill.
It is not easy for a generic vegetable matter like squash to compete with these slick yet phony cartoons,” quacked Melvin Toole, copy boy at Morstern, Hamill and Glick, the agency hired by the squash people.
“We hope to turn the tide here from the inside out,” said Toole. “Imagine little children gnawing on boiled turnips, masticating steamed okra or sipping soy drinks for breakfast. It ain’t right.”
Marketing experts are hesitant to summarize the status of these vegetables admitting that dancing hot dogs and talking raisins have revolutionized the industry. For centuries promoters avoided using humanized food to communicate to the masses thinking no one would swallow the idea of eating their new little friends. Lately however, statistics soundly suggest that the average consumer will eat whatever is placed in front of him, mineral or animal. In addition these interlopers have found that most humans, after constant prompting, would be quite happy nibbling on his own grandmother if he thought, “everyone was doing it”.
“Now squash,” started Toole, presents another set of problems. A lot o it is onomatopoeia, or the formation of words to imitate what they denote,” he said. “Who out there wants to eat something that sounds squished, forcibly mashed or otherwise repressed?
“We have considered renaming the vegetable in out own likeness but names like ecstasy loaf and rhapsody gourd seemed rather forced. It just ain’t like the Cher thing.”
Readers may recall that back in 1980 the agency brought in the actress Cher to plug the onion industry. Her seductive TV spots, where she appeared in nothing but a small black dress designed entirely of garlic clusters and onionskin, never really increased sales substantially but made a lot of onion farmers happy.
One local squash entrepreneur told the Horseshoe that squash is squash and always would be squash.
“It’s not clover. It’s not corn. It’s squash. Anything else is bunk.”
“Those New York boys could convince a prospective home buyer that a cat box was another bath and a half,” he laughed. “Squash was so named in an attempt to allow children to digest a sample of life’s unpleasantness a spoonful at a time in the safety of their own homes.”
Perhaps the most dramatic impact on vegetable consumption is the fast food phenomenon whereas freethinking individuals purposely swallow poison, calling it lunch or dinner. This twisted culinary preference has all but killed dining diversity and will soon be counting these unusually fat garbage gobblers as another category of its victims, effectively relieving fringe symptoms of over-population. Science and nutritional truths clearly shows that eating these unhealthy chemicals should have already done their dire duty but many fast food enthusiasts continue to hold out. For how long?
– Kashmir Horseshoe

Aerobics Anonymous to Meet

(Dancing With Cigars – Ridgway, CO – July 10, 2015)

The secret meeting of Aerobics Anonymous will be held at an undisclosed address on Indian Massacre Highway it was disclosed today. The fledgling support group offers diversions for the recovering aerobiholic in a society where most people don’t even remember that fashion/workout craze.
“We seek to work through the problem by admitting that a problem exists, then denying the causes while applauding the affects,” said Nora Pennywhistle, acting executive director at the for-profit foundation. “After that plateau is ascended the recovery is well on the way. There are a few waivers to sign and a little matter of money.”
A host of thin females will then speak on cutting edge methods for “making inactivity work for you”, the theme of this year’s Let’s Get Physical Days in May. Each participant will receive a free set of leg warmers and touch on recycling tights.
“By whatever name it is called, exercise is the key here,” said Pennywhistle. “It’s no sweat to us how you get it.” – Oral Waters

Línea Maginot recorrerá Colorado en julio

Desde Eres Sólo Historia Antigua – 10 de julio 2015

(Crested Butte) El legendario Línea Maginot, piensa que es inexpugnable por las fuerzas francesas antes de 1940, visitará este antiguo gigante de la minería del carbón como parte de un verano espectacular viaje a través de los Rockies.
Unirse a la Línea Maginot será el advenedizo Siegfried Line, o Muro Occidental, así como la stumblebum Hindenburg Line, una posición defensiva hacia adelante alemán construido en 1916-1917 cerca de Soissons en el Aisne.
Lo que las tres líneas tienen en común es que ninguno realmente mantiene a nadie. La Maginot estaba flanqueado, el Siegfried desierta en la cara de victorias y el Hindenburg, a pesar de la lucha irregular, se perdió al armisticio firmado en 1919.
Tal vez lo que sigue para deleitar los historiadores de la guerra es el fracaso de la Línea Maginot, que resultó inútil cuando los alemanes simplemente tomó un atajo a través de Bélgica, yendo alrededor de las defensas de lujo y marchando a Vichy Paraíso.
A pesar de su vínculo con la derrota más devastadora de la nación en la historia de la línea todavía evoca un cierto orgullo, patriotismo sutil. Descubierto en un montón de basura París la Línea Maginot en 1946 el hito fue limpiado y poner de nuevo juntos a partir de mapas y gráficos de la Segunda Guerra pre-Mundial. Sus acompañantes fortificaciones militares Siegfried y Hindenburg siempre se han mantenido y sólo tenía que ser recogido y enviado (fortines y todo) a Nueva York, donde la gira por Estados Unidos se origina.
“La verdadera atracción aquí sigue siendo la Maginot”, dijo Entraylea Maginot, bisnieta de André Maginot el homónimo de la zanja sin gloria. “Eso es lo que la gente viene a ver. Le costó 3 mil millones de francos sólo por la alfombra! ”
Los mayores Maginot, que, afortunadamente para su honor, pasó en unos ocho años antes de la ineficacia de la línea fue sacada a la luz por los generales alemanes en 1940, no sabía ninguna de las otras líneas. Se espera que todos ellos se llevan bien durante los viajes.
La División de Cumplimiento y Turismo de Colorado espera que la inclusión de los recorridos y la venta de marihuana legal aumentará el turismo en un 30% este verano. – Bambi Bumble