All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category

Colona Getting Taller

Wildcat Creek — Ouray County Nibbles — Nov 14, 2015

The little town of Colona is growing taller according to a recent health physical published in the popular Armenian Health and Rock Climber. Although exact figures were unavailable expert sources confirmed the increase.

“We hadn’t seen Colona for six months and my how she’s sprouted up, marveled Edna Singe, a painful busybody living out Buckhorn way. “She’s lost a lot of baby fat and is easily a head teller than her Aunt Sapinero and even her tubby Uncle Cahone.”

Already basketball scouts have been dropping in hoping to recruit the gangly Colona for sports programs.

“Our grocery bill has certainly gone up,” said an unconfirmed source in the county’s third largest urban center.

With a taller Colona in the picture there comes an increase in altitude, the need for more personal space and a far-better view of the San Juans. Some added expenses and fiscal considerations are simply not applicable anymore because the town is becoming unmanageable.

“We’re not just talking vertical here,” said a member of the town’s prestigious shadow government. “Colona’s feet and ass end are getting bigger too,” he gasped. “Do you know how much it costs to buy sox for a growing, albeit small, town? Trousers are a nightmare.”

-Kashmir Horseshoe

For more on this powder keg story see

COLONA TOLL ROAD EXPENSIVE AFRONT TO LOG HILL, TELLURIDE

Deer Fence Mastermind Injured

(Ridgway, CO — Miller Mesa Free Flow — November 9, 2015)

The recognized inventor and developer of deer fence was injured this evening the result of a collision with a bull elk on Highway 550, three miles north of the Owl Creek Road.

Amal LeFlemme’s late model pickup was then simultaneously hit by falling rock and struck by lighting at the exact time of impact from the wreck. He is resting at St. Roscoe’s Hospital as we speak.

LeFlemme, whose favorite slogan is “Be ready for anything!” told The Horseshoe that although he had not been prepared for the elk, the rocks or the lightning his “deer fence held up remarkably well under the worst of situations.”

HUNGRY BEAR HOROSCOPE

Everybody’s on the prowl this fall attempting to get their roots and berries in a row for autumn. We sincerely hope that this candid, if not entirely scientific, astral appraisal will help you get what coming to you. Directions: For personal projection simply embrace verbiage under appropriate birth sign. If you cannot afford a sign one will be appointed by the quart.

Ground retractions printed at $9.99 per pound.  (November 6, 2015)

VIRGO (August 24 – September 23)
Personal finances should not be made a crutch this month. Instead, a simple walking stick with a sharp end should do nicely. Wealthy people don’t worry about pocket change or holes in their pocket. Occupy your mind with frequent flyer miles. Too much time in the cereal aisle can result in a false sense of reality by breakfast time. Talk is cheap while advice has never closed ranks in a buyer’s market. Focus on what you are good at. Use a microscope. Tonight: Romance at twenty paces.

LIBRA (September 24 – October 23)
Wyoming is not a state of mind. Two-a-days did not take. Grab a bucket or audition for the part of tackling dummy. Isn’t your helmet on backwards? Ends will never meet but Scorpio linebackers can be quite compatible with the special team. Pay attention in the huddle. Don’t be overly defensive. Despite tedious preparation, over-running the play will still make one look bad from the stands. Shoulder pads work best if you have the head to go with them. Take cheerleaders at face value. An offensive line is never in good taste. Tonight: An etiquette sandwich.

SCORPIO (October 24 – November 22)
Put tendencies toward outright panic behind you. An emotional ride will not be kind to the gas mileage and can be destructive to the interior as well. Check air pressure and go on. There is no sense being king of the hill if al the action is going on at sea level. An attractive airport security official may pat you down before evening falls. Get in touch with your cooperative side. Pluto, your ruling planet is at odds with Mercury, the planet of mind. Maybe you should invest in a meteor-proof vest. Tonight: Scapegoat cheese on the grill.

SAGITTARIUS (November 23 – December 21)
Although you may be overflowing with confidence be careful not to spill any on the wrappings of chronic insecurity. An inflated ego alone will not defeat Godzilla. You have to study the films. Deliver the goods and don’t stand around waiting for further compensation. While the injured feelings of others is not your concern it is not necessary to twist the knife either. Cutting corners does not work when it comes to concrete or jello. Fragile roots could leave you out on a limb down the road. Tonight: Life in a nutshell.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 20)
Swallow all food carefully before you chew it. It would appear from your solar chart that you have little to flaunt. Be careful of too much bass and mustache hairs in the pudding. Big things are in your future unless you diet now. Pulling your own strings can be quite a workout on its own. Free weights aren’t free. Exercise videos often lack a viable plot. A hunch that you are the target will be right on target through the 19th. Lady Luck is still the champion arm wrestler. Tar is bad enough but when the feathers arrive things may turn ugly. Tonight: Creamed corn falls on deaf ears.

AQUARIUS (January 21 – February 19)
Focus on the inconsequential. Bank on inner knowledge and expect current interest rates in return. People are comfortable ignoring you. Use this arrangement to your advantage. Sometimes invisible is better than invincible. Store all good intentions in a cool, dry place. Recycle opinions. This could be a pivotal year for you but not if you spend it spinning out of control. Life is a meaningless jumble of events but return tickets are not for sale. Flanking movements at the time clock will do little to insure job security. Tonight: Caviar with cheap champagne.

PISCES (February 20 – March 20)
Hold your breath while out of the water. The lure of fame may tip the scale. Everyone breaks waves sometimes. There is no future in being part of the chowder. Don’t trust worms, grasshoppers or Indian scouts with brass buttons. Choose poisons carefully and discreetly. Mind over matter is of no use when you’ve already taken the bait. Burn out is rare in frigid waters. Bottom feeders should never focus on high and dry affairs of the heart when dinner’s on the table. Keep a civil tongue in your head despite anatomical differences. Tonight: Take a refresher course in humility.

ARIES (March 21 – April 20)
Cattle prods could leave you suspicious of co-workers. Selling your soul in the market place does not guarantee residuals. Garbage truck crews rarely get rich on commissions. Change expression occasionally. Silly games are their own reward. Insulate yourself from errors in judgment. The reason that you have been misled is that you are stupid. Big hearts and small brains just don’t mix well. Try gin. Twisted souls can’t walk a straight line. Refer to contents listed on side panel. Tonight: Sign language by the light of the moon.

TAURUS (April 21 -May 21)
Romance in and of itself is not the ultimate stumbling block. It’s your social budget that separates you from the herd. Flock off. It’s better to hang out with nice people with money than poor folks with a bad attitude. Act surreptitiously when under fire. Dictionaries make fine helmets. When you begin to believe in yourself Tinkerbell cannot far away. Choose friends and snow tires carefully. A bad penny is easier to discard than a wooden nickel. Your jingle precedes you in fiscal circles. Tonight: Brood in the dark.

GEMINI (May 22 – June 21)
Embrace fringe relationships. That person in the mirror may not be your best friend. Keep emotions at an arm’s length and the point of retreat in the rear view. Use your energy in canning technology. Play the roll of a martyr only if you get your own dressing room. The Sun is still searching for a dynamic sector of your chart. Send up a flare. Shuffle the demands of peers and soon they will disintegrate. Dismissal from jury duty is no excuse for violence. Give someone your divided attention and all three of you will come out ahead. Tonight: Follow your own lead.

CANCER (June 22 – July 23)
Tendencies toward the reclusive benefit neighborhood interaction. Soften arrivals with clear dates of departure. Keep your options open an your mouth closed. Tolerance is only the tip of the iceberg. Recent ideas are less than brilliant. When all else fails order a pizza. Life may be a roller-coaster and here you are without a proper windshield. Mental capacities are on the Imperial unit while romance is measured in Centigrade. Loitering near the garbage truck could put you in bad company.

LEO (July 24 – August 23)
King or queen of the jungle is only a title. The real power lies within the realm of prime minister. A fish on a park bench is better than a flash in the pan. Drive-in movies are worth little at high noon. Celebrate an anniversary when you damn well feel like it. Diamonds are not in the shape of your heart. Catch and release will keep unwanted overtures on the chopping block. Passion will seek its own level even if it’s a lubricant of dreams. Your eyes may be bigger than your stomach. Tie up loose cannons. Why change oil if the engine still functions? Tonight: Limes make a persuasive case.

– Kashmir Horseshoe, Commandant Astral Cavalry of the Holy Order of Hibernians (1866), The Quiet Knights of the Talisman (1903), The Alchemist’s Pulpit (1949) and the Colonese Zone (1977-commission pending.)

Missing Persons Told

The following is a partial list of those declared missing in action during the first rifle season in Sectors RJ4663 and ST2229. Also covered are gated communities and gerrymandered neighborhoods on Skunk Mesa, Pretense Homes at Golf Living, Bill’s Bowl and The Ski Trenches. (October 28, 2015)

Bambi, address listed as Uncompahgre National Forest in Colorado
Yogi Bear, Yellowstoned Park Retirement Acres
Thumper, no address given
Boo Boo Bear, no address given
Mister Ed, Evans Stables, Sand Creek, Colorado
Elsie the Cow, Ski Trenches, Crested Butte, Colorado
Lassie, no address given
Trigger, no address given
Rin Tin Tin, Hollywood, CA
John Deere, The Great Midwest
Lawrence Elk, Bismarck
John Doe, Bismarck
Old Yeller, no address given
Foghorn Leghorn, Hollywood, CA
Donald Duck, Hollywood, CA
Pegasus, no address given

Calvicie prematura en elk herd empeora

(Bosque Negro – 26 de octobre de 2015)

Los signos de la calvicie prematura generalizada entre los alces del toro locales ha funcionarios de pesca y caza perplejo y preocupado por el futuro. Según una serie de informes médicos de los animales están perdiendo su pelo a un ritmo alarmante.
Rancheros locales afirman los alces arrojan cada 11 años, una opinión descartado por los guardianes del Estado.

“Hemos visto los alces pierden el pelo antes”, dijo Ernest DelFisher. “He visto todos los curas y todos los tratamientos, pero nada funciona.”

Muchos sienten el problema es cíclico y que se profundiza cada otoño cuando miles de cazadores persiguen en busca de carne. Afortunadamente la enfermedad, lo que sea, no afecta bastidores.

“Creo que el DOW debe iluminar y poner fin a la manipulación, la collareamiento,” continuó DelFisher, “por lo menos hasta que la pérdida de cabello se detiene.”

Fuentes de Denver continúan vigilando los rebaños, dejando caer las tabletas de proteínas y ungüento crecimiento del cabello en los prados y claros favorecidos. Los funcionarios planean separar la calvicie de los animales sanos y estabilizar la situación.
– Elke Winters

Crested Butte Gets Tough on Drinking

Year residency required to hit the bars? — October 18, 2015

(Sopris Avenue) Locals here could be required to show more than proof of age at the door of their favorite saloon this off-season. They may have to present evidence of at least one year residency as well.

Although the application of this new ordinance may come at the discretion of each establishment, other means of enforcement might be employed, according to the local marshal’s office.

“If we observe borderline behavior on the part of a suspect, we will further investigate the situation,” said one deputy. “We’re not necessarily in favor of the ordinance, but if it is passed by the local voters we will implement it.”

Both police and the originators of the yearresidency concept feel that this move will allow for closer monitoring of alcohol consumption, especially within a group that is questionable to start with.

“Some of these people get totally out of control the first week after they have arrived in town,” said the deputy. “Maybe it’s the altitude. Maybe it’s the new environs. It’s normal, but we don’t feel that long time residents should have to suffer.”

The deputy pointed out that he has seen “about 20 years of these shenanigans, which get old after a while”. He added that he did not think the new law would affect the booming bar business in the town.

Big nights like these need to be earned say town fathers and mothers. (Bill Dickerson Photo)

Over in Ridgway the town council has adopted a measure that would require similar credentials be shown before one hurls himself into the often steamy nightlife.

“We feel that new locals should wait a little while before embracing this culture,” said Marlena Quacksalver, a spokesperson for someone’s council. “And besides, considering all the new ordinances that have been adopted here since 1990, what’s one more?”

When asked if this proposed ordinance could apply to the purchase of recreational drugs, the spokesperson appeared shocked.

“Hypothetically,” she posed. “This type of activity is the business of state drug agencies and their jurisdiction takes precedence over our silly ordinances anyway.”

-H.L. Menoken