All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category

Postcard Surcharges Anger Visitors

Crested Butte, CO   Money Talks, Nobody Walks   April 8, 2016

A five-cent surcharge imposed on postal cards by the state of Colorado has irritated tourists here but doesn’t appear to be going away. The gov’ment hopes to raise funds to repair crumbling infrastructure and build employee housing.

Postcards mailed out of state will require an official Colorado Exit Stamp or end up in the dead letter file in the capital.

“Most people trust the mail and would never guess their glossy messages might not reach their destinations,” said a proponent of the charges. “We are still waiting for federal response to this and hope for national support.

“Everyone is trying to screw everyone else in the market place,” he continued.

“We’re just jumping on board. Next year we expect to tap in to the lucrative Tweet population or maybe even raise barking fees on Elk Avenue.

– Marlena Marvelou

US, Russian Astronauts Will Visit Mars in Spring

Moscow — Economy Seats Chronicle — April 5, 2016

In a first ever joint space venture American and Russian space travelers will lift off and land on the planet Mars in May. After a host of setbacks and cancellations the five-man two-woman crew hopes to enjoy a lighter-than-air breakfast on the Moon and then dinner on the Red Planet, some three months later.

The ship, built in Prague is a Soviet-era 122-F Nostrovic Front-Wheel Drive, Nuclear Shuttle. Pilot and Olympic rowing standout, Gustavo “Gus” Gustafessen described the craft as less than cosmos-worthy.

“I’m patient and tolerant but with one bathroom on board we’re headed for trouble,” he warned. “There’s no place in this gizmo to sit down and no windows ! And I’m the one stuck with the driving.”

Yuri Usonovitch, a Russian logistics officer said he was looking forward to spending time “in the wide open spaces of Mars.

In actuality astronauts hope to hook up with another team that attempted to land on Mars last year. Although everyone made it safely to the surface there has been little word from the crews. Insiders suggest that the visitors have acclimated and are enjoying the pace and pause of another world.

Others say the first group never made it to Mars at all, penetrating the Universe by 31,000,000 light years. A muffled radio contact referred to a wrong turn at Martian moons, Deimos and another to the north of Phobos. Then silence.

Aerial photos snapped on the beach near the Noonday Gulf reveal what appears to be a large metallic object surrounded by campfires.

“It looks like a regular RV campground,” said Gusafessen. “You can almost smell the catfish cooking through the carbon dioxide atmosphere.”

The ship is expected dock at Mars and then return to Earth sometime before baseball season.

– Duck Rodgers

“There are far too many Nathan Meekers stomping around plowing up Ute race tracks, dynamiting hot springs and trying to force us to conform to their frightened and silly beliefs.”

– Blanco in “Fish Out of Water”

Glaucoma Center Could Mean Up to 200 Jobs

(Montrose, CO — Ceviche Civilian –April 2, 2016)

A federally funded center for the treatment of glaucoma could net this town over 200 salaried positions in the near future according to a gubernatorial task force examining all avenues and back alleys here. Already the cutting edge facility, which seeks to treat the disease through defused light therapy and the introduction of small doses of marijuana, is booked up through 2025.

Prospective patients have been arriving on the spacious grounds since Thursday under the watchful eye of the police and the chamber of commerce, who gave out bags of fresh carrots while assuring the medical guests.

Glaucoma is a disease of the eyes characterized by high intraocular pressure, damaged optic disc, hardening of the eyeball and partial or complete loss of vision. It affects one in ten Americans according to the American Medico-Legal Association (AMA).

Many civic and religious groups have softened stances on the use of marijuana within the city especially considering the massive payroll boon.

On the national and international stages a host of industrialized countries have begun tearing down skyscrapers so as to make room for urban hemp gardens.

Inventor of Winter Parking Laws Found Shot

(Crested Butte — Bullet-Proof Times — March 29, 2016)

The long recognized Father of Towing and alleged inventor of winter parking laws was found dead aboard his gaudy schooner near Peanut Lake this morning. Leslie Curbe was pronounced celestially detained after four large caliber shells were located in the front of his flabby forehead.

Suicide has been ruled out and police are questioning anyone who has ever received a parking ticket in the town. Challenging parking signs have been repeatedly blamed for the disenchantment of motorists but the warning has gone unheeded for decades.

Only three months ago Curbe was found facedown in an Almont back alley, the apparent victim of an attack with a tire iron. Two days later a large Eastern European woman came forward and took credit for the violence. Curbe survived the ordeal despite below-zero weather and the ruthless gnawing by neighborhood hounds.

Meanwhile his house, occupied by carnivores looking for the local butcher shop that closed in 1979, was condemned by the bored of zoning so as to build a private parking lot. It was then that he took to the sea lanes, moving into the paltry schooner named “Hey Boudreaux” by a notoriously tight-lipped limo driver in the employ of former President Jimmy Carter.

– Marcia Marvelous

Hillary and Donald to Form New Government

Following closed door negotiations, the leading U.S. Presidential candidates, Donald “Big Elvis” Trump and Hillary “Monica” Clinton have agreed to dispense with elections and form a new virtual government headquartered in Branson, MO. According to speech writers, the couple plans a quasi-private nuptial ceremony sometime in early November. “Donald may seem to be an asshole but he’s rally cool once you get to know him,” said Clinton. “Hillary is everything I didn’t inherit,” said the former reality TV host.

Bus Politicians Says Noise

(Washington DC — Chamber Pot Calling — March 20, 2016)

A controversial bill before the House of Reprehensions could result in many legislators hitting the road. Bill 2016, sponsored by brothers Oral (Fizzy Party-CO) and Rectal noise (Unitarian-CA) calls for drastic house cleaning, including forced bussing of lawmakers and strict adherence to the weekly budgets imposed by a cross-section of single mothers.

“Everyone agrees that bussing was a ridiculous attempt at disparity that ignored the human factor,” said one Noise brother. Chiming in, Rectal agreed saying that over 35 senators and congressmen still on the job were the mindless architects of the plan to relocate students by bussing them all over hell.

If passed, the bill would require all members of Congress to travel at least 5000 miles per year outside the Millionaire’s Boys Club into harsh urban and rural realities of America. To facilitate smooth movement the congressmen would be bussed into poor neighborhoods and housed in federal projects. In addition they would be required to survive on the budget of a single mother living within these confines.

Following the development more congressmen would be bussed to middle class neighborhoods and be forced to live on the budget of these tragic, working poor.

“We hope that the exposure to real Americans and their daily struggles might allow our leaders to stop all the juvenile campaigning and cultivate some compassion.

Opponents of the bill threatened to filibuster until concessions are made. Most favor a watered down plan to limit forays into crime infested regions and pockets of poverty.

“We hate to see that kind of thing, especially before lunch,” stressed one fat, wrinkled incumbent.

– Zorro DesPlants