All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category
Transylvania Promotes Strongest Asset
(Iron Curtain Closures-Multi-Cromagnum Trans-Everything Day -April 18, 2016)
A broad based yet unlikely coalition that includes various radical environmentalist organizations, dentists, the Trans-Caucasus Castle Repair Tradesman’s Association, the Transylvanian Humpback Support Society (WhatHump.org) and more than five European Union ancestral tourism officials has been created to breath new life into the asinine dream of one old man and his terrifyingly psychotic ancestor.
It is a dream, and an ancestor, that many had thought died long ago but today, hope for bringing Transylvania’s native vampires back home to Transylvanian rural villages is once again breathing horrifying raspy breaths into a heartwarming community project and an uplifting story.
Deep in the tangled, rotted, stinking, serpent ridden bowels of the People’s Transylvanian National Forest And Oil Refinery lie a few government sanctioned, frightening looking shacks surrounding a makeshift castle and graveyard where a small group of dedicated biologists and vampire lovers care for the project’s seven captive vampires while they are retrained to survive in the Transylvanian urban – rural interface.
One of the volunteers points out that “once reintroduced, the vampires will face extraordinary hardships and risk. We must ensure they can survive without succumbing to starvation or even capture or hunting by angry, terrified villagers.”
Given the myths and prejudice against bloodsuckers of all kinds of the last six centuries, as you might imagine vampire reintroduction is a thankless job that can really only be done in a loving fashion by the basest idiots and black hearted losers looking to turn a quick buck. Enter Mstislav Slinvorkian and his transgender partner Hiewassa Gêrural.
“Having Vampires back in Transylvania is a human right. Mstislav and I are not going to let this issue die or blow away on an ill wind. Vampires, werewolves and a fragile and delicate collection of medieval daemons are essential keystone components of the Transylvanian ecosystem and the most charismatic thing about our nation. They are all that we have. Take away our monsters and we have nothing! We’ve been without nothing for too long!”
Mstislav stepped in to calm his flighty but dedicated friend.
“This is so important to Hiewassa. Other nations have traditional heroes – generals and political leaders, authors, ballet dancers and plumbers. But as a native Transgender Transylvanian, Hiewassa feels that bringing back our homeland’s most iconic species will be the first step in transferring new pride for Transylvanians, who are naturally prone to transformations.
“I’ll tell you,” Mstislav whispered, “he won’t talk about it himself, but Hiewassa feels that given his own native blood, his Dracularian family tree and his already apparent penchant for transformation, he may someday suck a villager’s blood. He’s that close to these guys.”
Mstislav was pointing to the castle and graveyard and the seven young hedge fund managers, still in the Armani suits they wore when they were sedated, collared, loaded on the airplane and transported from Wall Street back to their ancestral homeland.
Someday, hopefully, each will roam free in the Translyvanian outback, sucking blood without the constant threat of an Elizabeth Warren congressional investigation or a 55% tax bracket.
That, at least, is the crazy dream of two creepy nut balls deep in the Caucusus and the corrupt shambles of a government in a broken ecosystem trying to rebuild the myth that lies at the heart of so many ethnic Transylvanians’ gender identity issues today.
We will continue to follow Mstislav and Hiewassa’s story as they prepare for partial release of several vampire young into the wild just prior to Halloween 2017. * * *
Postcard Surcharges Anger Visitors
Crested Butte, CO Money Talks, Nobody Walks April 8, 2016
A five-cent surcharge imposed on postal cards by the state of Colorado has irritated tourists here but doesn’t appear to be going away. The gov’ment hopes to raise funds to repair crumbling infrastructure and build employee housing.
Postcards mailed out of state will require an official Colorado Exit Stamp or end up in the dead letter file in the capital.
“Most people trust the mail and would never guess their glossy messages might not reach their destinations,” said a proponent of the charges. “We are still waiting for federal response to this and hope for national support.
“Everyone is trying to screw everyone else in the market place,” he continued.
“We’re just jumping on board. Next year we expect to tap in to the lucrative Tweet population or maybe even raise barking fees on Elk Avenue.
– Marlena Marvelou
US, Russian Astronauts Will Visit Mars in Spring
Moscow — Economy Seats Chronicle — April 5, 2016
In a first ever joint space venture American and Russian space travelers will lift off and land on the planet Mars in May. After a host of setbacks and cancellations the five-man two-woman crew hopes to enjoy a lighter-than-air breakfast on the Moon and then dinner on the Red Planet, some three months later.
The ship, built in Prague is a Soviet-era 122-F Nostrovic Front-Wheel Drive, Nuclear Shuttle. Pilot and Olympic rowing standout, Gustavo “Gus” Gustafessen described the craft as less than cosmos-worthy.
“I’m patient and tolerant but with one bathroom on board we’re headed for trouble,” he warned. “There’s no place in this gizmo to sit down and no windows ! And I’m the one stuck with the driving.”
Yuri Usonovitch, a Russian logistics officer said he was looking forward to spending time “in the wide open spaces of Mars.
In actuality astronauts hope to hook up with another team that attempted to land on Mars last year. Although everyone made it safely to the surface there has been little word from the crews. Insiders suggest that the visitors have acclimated and are enjoying the pace and pause of another world.
Others say the first group never made it to Mars at all, penetrating the Universe by 31,000,000 light years. A muffled radio contact referred to a wrong turn at Martian moons, Deimos and another to the north of Phobos. Then silence.
Aerial photos snapped on the beach near the Noonday Gulf reveal what appears to be a large metallic object surrounded by campfires.
“It looks like a regular RV campground,” said Gusafessen. “You can almost smell the catfish cooking through the carbon dioxide atmosphere.”
The ship is expected dock at Mars and then return to Earth sometime before baseball season.
– Duck Rodgers
“There are far too many Nathan Meekers stomping around plowing up Ute race tracks, dynamiting hot springs and trying to force us to conform to their frightened and silly beliefs.”
– Blanco in “Fish Out of Water”
Glaucoma Center Could Mean Up to 200 Jobs
(Montrose, CO — Ceviche Civilian –April 2, 2016)
A federally funded center for the treatment of glaucoma could net this town over 200 salaried positions in the near future according to a gubernatorial task force examining all avenues and back alleys here. Already the cutting edge facility, which seeks to treat the disease through defused light therapy and the introduction of small doses of marijuana, is booked up through 2025.
Prospective patients have been arriving on the spacious grounds since Thursday under the watchful eye of the police and the chamber of commerce, who gave out bags of fresh carrots while assuring the medical guests.
Glaucoma is a disease of the eyes characterized by high intraocular pressure, damaged optic disc, hardening of the eyeball and partial or complete loss of vision. It affects one in ten Americans according to the American Medico-Legal Association (AMA).
Many civic and religious groups have softened stances on the use of marijuana within the city especially considering the massive payroll boon.
On the national and international stages a host of industrialized countries have begun tearing down skyscrapers so as to make room for urban hemp gardens.
Inventor of Winter Parking Laws Found Shot
(Crested Butte — Bullet-Proof Times — March 29, 2016)
The long recognized Father of Towing and alleged inventor of winter parking laws was found dead aboard his gaudy schooner near Peanut Lake this morning. Leslie Curbe was pronounced celestially detained after four large caliber shells were located in the front of his flabby forehead.
Suicide has been ruled out and police are questioning anyone who has ever received a parking ticket in the town. Challenging parking signs have been repeatedly blamed for the disenchantment of motorists but the warning has gone unheeded for decades.
Only three months ago Curbe was found facedown in an Almont back alley, the apparent victim of an attack with a tire iron. Two days later a large Eastern European woman came forward and took credit for the violence. Curbe survived the ordeal despite below-zero weather and the ruthless gnawing by neighborhood hounds.
Meanwhile his house, occupied by carnivores looking for the local butcher shop that closed in 1979, was condemned by the bored of zoning so as to build a private parking lot. It was then that he took to the sea lanes, moving into the paltry schooner named “Hey Boudreaux” by a notoriously tight-lipped limo driver in the employ of former President Jimmy Carter.
– Marcia Marvelous
Hillary and Donald to Form New Government
Following closed door negotiations, the leading U.S. Presidential candidates, Donald “Big Elvis” Trump and Hillary “Monica” Clinton have agreed to dispense with elections and form a new virtual government headquartered in Branson, MO. According to speech writers, the couple plans a quasi-private nuptial ceremony sometime in early November. “Donald may seem to be an asshole but he’s rally cool once you get to know him,” said Clinton. “Hillary is everything I didn’t inherit,” said the former reality TV host.
