All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category
Boiled Hot Dogs
You will need: 6-8 quality meat hot dogs, pan of water,
access to broiler, 6-8 white flour hot dog buns.
A favorite in our family for weeks now, this gourmet treat can suffice as a snack or an entire meal. It can be easily prepared in the woods or the penthouse with little or no collateral damage.
First: Boil water and add dogs so that they are totally submersed. Boil for about 7 minutes or until water bubbles sufficiently to kill any unwanted bacteria. Remove with tongs so as not to damage the fragile fare
While dogs are cooking place 6-8 buns on cookie sheet and broil or bake at 300 degrees for 4 – 5 minutes. (Slightly more time for altitudes over 14,000 feet). When the buns are crisp remove so as not to burn. Arrange on plate for quick distribution. Then carefully place each tube steak on a bun, garnish with pickle relish, mustard and/or ketchup. Serves 4.
Extras: One can add cheese (slit dog and place horizontal strings of cheese into opening) and bacon to the hot dogs or pepper the buns with jalapenos for a good kick. For a bonne bouche statement slice dogs and serve with baked beans.
Thanks to Belle Toole of Maher
Will pay top market price for crisp analogies, compound sentences and overtly descriptive adjectives. Tuesday only. Mr. Billfold at the Manana Holiday Inn 10 -2 or forward examples and projections to San Juan Horses, Dry Goods El Nino, Colona, Colorado.
May 12, 2016
Little Cone Calm Once More
(Norwood, CO Mountain Tantrums May 5, 2016)
After raging out of control for most of the spring the once dormant volcano, Little Cone, appears to have returned to the 2400-year cycle and ceased eruptions. Since late March the rambunctious rock formation has discharged over five cubic miles of white ash and black lava, but has not generated any earthquakes as of yet.
Geothermal experts were shocked at the fury of Little Cone, a teen-aged mountain that was thought to be a bit of a wallflower, an enigma in light of the associations she kept on the Sneffels and Wilson Ranges. For centuries Little Cone sat by childishly while the other mountains made their marks and did all the work.
For some time it appeared Little Cone would have things her way, gushing lava into the canyons and river bottoms, destroying the countryside. Then, without warning the eruption terminated and the birds began to sing again.
Although generally found near seacoasts volcanoes like Little Cone and her brother Lone Cone (known as Strombolian volcanoes since they feature thicker lava from which gas is released with explosive intensity) are also located in belts of weakness in the earth’s crust near great mountain chains.
Little Cone began blowing her top in March and became potent almost overnight. At first residents were fascinated with the light show but soon saw the dangers therein. Several virgins (they said they were virgins) were sacrificed to a host of hastily concocted gods and demons that were reputed to have an inside track with someone who had minor influence on Little Cone.
This morning a land bridge or spatter cone, composed of three parts lapilli and one part volcanic ash, has effectively connected the Twin Cities of Naturita and Nucla with the plush bedroom communities of Bedrock and Paradox.
“We could be seeing the formation of the world’s largest pumice dam,” said a volcano watcher stationed on what used to be called Norwood Hill.
– Merv Ditchwater
“Podran cortar todas las flores, pero no podrán detener la primavera.”
-Pablo Neruda
Skunk Shortage Worries Officials
(Ouray — Black and White Gazette — May 2, 2016)
A drastically reduced skunk population in these hills has leaders here scurrying around trying to cover the bases. A wet winter, combined with cooler evening temperatures in the early spring may have driven the aromatic mammals into the Badlands of New Mexico and could create a serious imbalance in Colorado.
“Normally we can monitor the healthy skunk population by inversion mathematics,” said a Department of Transportation biological source. “For decades it has been our practice to count the road kill on Mondays and divide by 12 to determine a monthly projection. “This year everything began like normal, and then in September we noticed a chronic drop in highway pancakes. It’s all quite frightening.”
It was not clear how the diminished population would affect summer celebrations such as Fourth of July. Already promoters are expressing concern over a less than skunky Ice Festival. Principles were quick to deny that the current skunk crisis had anything to do with the legalization of marijuana in Colorado.
In order to take advantage of skunk resources leaders stressed that every man, woman and child in Colorado must cooperate with local organizations intent on conserving our skunk packs. Some expressed guarded concern that the additional skunks might have to be purchased from Utah so as to make it through this calamity.
– Small Mouth Bess
Ridgway Energy Efficient
(Cow Creek, CO) The Carbon Boot Print – Spring 2027) — May 1, 2016)
The Environment Protection Militia today proclaimed the City of Ridgway (pop 130,000) as Energy Efficient. The esteemed honor has been bestowed on very few communities nationwide.
The status is linked to the construction of a giant dome stretching from Colona (annexed in 2021) to West Dallas Creek to Enchanted Mesa all the way south to Ouray (incorporated by the Ridgway Town Council in 2024). Built of adobe, aluminum cans, tires, bottles and old clothes donated by the Double RL Consortium, the dome is one of the largest such structures on the planet.
The only winterized version (designed cows, protection from ozone damage, kinky kiosks and trendy cafes be damned) that is larger is the neighboring Ski Dallas Indoor Mountain Vintage Mobile Cosmic Surgery Complex that, at 23 degrees Celsius, can help feed Utah and preserve local snow from back as far as 1996.
Since Ridgway outlawed the use of fossil fuels last winter the town has stayed warm by burning local deer fence posts and large bales of straw donated by the now defunct DEA.
– Dick “Roller” Derby
Realestatus Interruptus Act Eradicated
(Ophir, CO — I’m From Telluride Magazine — April 28, 2016)
A harsh 19th Century land use edict has finally been abolished in this 21st Century resort hamlet at the base of 14,000- foot Mount Endowment.
The Ski Trenches, a loosely aligned community, just downwind from the now defunct Wilson Spirit Refuge and Recovering Llama Ranch, had at one time required that the community sport at least one Realtor for every ten residents. That was then. This is now.
“We are witnessing the passing of an era,” said Warren Trafalgar III, who has held an assortment of licenses since last week. “We can only see good things in the works now that the statutes have unshackled us all.”
The termination of the much hated and clearly antiquated Realestatus Interruptus Act will allow the resettlement of Pandora and the rezoning of Liberty Bell subdivision from penal-rural-industrial to aerial-subsidized-agricultural. It’s a lot like colonization. It wasn’t fit for the working class but could make a great condominium compound for the ultra-rich.
The infamous act was originally created in 1879 to provide creative financing on early civic projects in town. The original owners of the property, the Ute, had no credit rating or deed culture, and banks were uneasy lending money on unimproved land.
The static situation became more clouded since the Utes had never asked to borrow anything from their new neighbors in the first place. In 1880 alone over 75 closings could not be consummated due to archaic banking practices and timidity at the higher levels of finance.
“One never knows who or what he might run into in the mountains,”
– Hannibal of Carthage, 211 BC
Transylvania Promotes Strongest Asset
(Iron Curtain Closures-Multi-Cromagnum Trans-Everything Day -April 18, 2016)
A broad based yet unlikely coalition that includes various radical environmentalist organizations, dentists, the Trans-Caucasus Castle Repair Tradesman’s Association, the Transylvanian Humpback Support Society (WhatHump.org) and more than five European Union ancestral tourism officials has been created to breath new life into the asinine dream of one old man and his terrifyingly psychotic ancestor.
It is a dream, and an ancestor, that many had thought died long ago but today, hope for bringing Transylvania’s native vampires back home to Transylvanian rural villages is once again breathing horrifying raspy breaths into a heartwarming community project and an uplifting story.
Deep in the tangled, rotted, stinking, serpent ridden bowels of the People’s Transylvanian National Forest And Oil Refinery lie a few government sanctioned, frightening looking shacks surrounding a makeshift castle and graveyard where a small group of dedicated biologists and vampire lovers care for the project’s seven captive vampires while they are retrained to survive in the Transylvanian urban – rural interface.
One of the volunteers points out that “once reintroduced, the vampires will face extraordinary hardships and risk. We must ensure they can survive without succumbing to starvation or even capture or hunting by angry, terrified villagers.”
Given the myths and prejudice against bloodsuckers of all kinds of the last six centuries, as you might imagine vampire reintroduction is a thankless job that can really only be done in a loving fashion by the basest idiots and black hearted losers looking to turn a quick buck. Enter Mstislav Slinvorkian and his transgender partner Hiewassa Gêrural.
“Having Vampires back in Transylvania is a human right. Mstislav and I are not going to let this issue die or blow away on an ill wind. Vampires, werewolves and a fragile and delicate collection of medieval daemons are essential keystone components of the Transylvanian ecosystem and the most charismatic thing about our nation. They are all that we have. Take away our monsters and we have nothing! We’ve been without nothing for too long!”
Mstislav stepped in to calm his flighty but dedicated friend.
“This is so important to Hiewassa. Other nations have traditional heroes – generals and political leaders, authors, ballet dancers and plumbers. But as a native Transgender Transylvanian, Hiewassa feels that bringing back our homeland’s most iconic species will be the first step in transferring new pride for Transylvanians, who are naturally prone to transformations.
“I’ll tell you,” Mstislav whispered, “he won’t talk about it himself, but Hiewassa feels that given his own native blood, his Dracularian family tree and his already apparent penchant for transformation, he may someday suck a villager’s blood. He’s that close to these guys.”
Mstislav was pointing to the castle and graveyard and the seven young hedge fund managers, still in the Armani suits they wore when they were sedated, collared, loaded on the airplane and transported from Wall Street back to their ancestral homeland.
Someday, hopefully, each will roam free in the Translyvanian outback, sucking blood without the constant threat of an Elizabeth Warren congressional investigation or a 55% tax bracket.
That, at least, is the crazy dream of two creepy nut balls deep in the Caucusus and the corrupt shambles of a government in a broken ecosystem trying to rebuild the myth that lies at the heart of so many ethnic Transylvanians’ gender identity issues today.
We will continue to follow Mstislav and Hiewassa’s story as they prepare for partial release of several vampire young into the wild just prior to Halloween 2017. * * *
