All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category
Hell Discovered by Corps of Engineers
(Rangely, CO — Netherworld Gazetteer — May 15, 2016)
The recent and much heralded discoveries by the Army Corps of Engineers all but verify the existence of the place called Hell. Engaged in a serious digging effort (for some undisclosed reason up here) the teams stumbled across the Eternal Pit at about near quitting time on Thursday. Having left the hole exposed overnight one foreman later expressed concern not with people falling in but others coming up and out.
“When we came back to work Friday there was visquine stretched over the opening with a note that warned of rain,” said Al Studevent, a tenured geologist attached to the project. “We looked down the hole as far as possible with the flames and the gnashing of teeth and all.”
By noon the entire area was off limits to anyone with even a lick of sense. Federal aeronautics and NASA personnel were all over the place turning it into an anthill of activity. So much so that the senior high school class hastily arranged a car wash and local bars sold beer to the growing throng. The experts sat on their thumbs while the crowd grew edgy.
“These feds are as thick as flies at a fertilizer convention,” said Studevent. “There’s already talk of building an embassy above the hole or at least a CIA listening post. But right now we have bigger fish to fry: We lost three drunks in the vicinity of that enchanted hole last night alone.”
Hell, depending on your angle, is either a place of eternal punishment or a damn good control method invented by religions to keep the faithful in line. Traditionally it has been located deep under the earth, inhabited by the remnants of bad angels and sinners who didn’t do what they were told and were hurled down there for eternity or some damn thing. Theories abound as to the rest of the story.
“I’ve spent most of my life in Rio Blanco County and nobody has to tell me that Hell is real,” said Manny Motormouth, a local sheepherder. “I’m just worried about the missing drunks. One of them owed me ten dollars.””
In a related story the Air Force has proclaimed that the over 400 UFO sightings documented over the past week were only masses of swamp gas and the reflection of airport runway lights from nearby Maybell to the northwest. The branch was quick to add that proximity to Utah and the presence of higher intelligence have never been scientifically connected.
“There are no beings of higher intelligence in the county,” slammed a sheriff’s deputy.
“I’ve seen folks over at Ma’s Bar with what looks like three eyes and there’s that one green-skinned from Craig that plays the jukebox all night but otherwise the situation is quite normal. Now with this Hell thing I don’t know what the weekend will bring,” he continued. There may be Hellions, aliens and even a few liberals out there knocking to get in but until they drink and get behind the wheel of their cars we cannot detain them.”
Religious and self-proclaimed spiritual leaders are expected tomorrow while a priest from Wyoming is slated to perform the first ever exorcism ever in Rio Blanco County. Seating is limited.
– Beelzebub Spur
Boiled Hot Dogs
You will need: 6-8 quality meat hot dogs, pan of water,
access to broiler, 6-8 white flour hot dog buns.
A favorite in our family for weeks now, this gourmet treat can suffice as a snack or an entire meal. It can be easily prepared in the woods or the penthouse with little or no collateral damage.
First: Boil water and add dogs so that they are totally submersed. Boil for about 7 minutes or until water bubbles sufficiently to kill any unwanted bacteria. Remove with tongs so as not to damage the fragile fare
While dogs are cooking place 6-8 buns on cookie sheet and broil or bake at 300 degrees for 4 – 5 minutes. (Slightly more time for altitudes over 14,000 feet). When the buns are crisp remove so as not to burn. Arrange on plate for quick distribution. Then carefully place each tube steak on a bun, garnish with pickle relish, mustard and/or ketchup. Serves 4.
Extras: One can add cheese (slit dog and place horizontal strings of cheese into opening) and bacon to the hot dogs or pepper the buns with jalapenos for a good kick. For a bonne bouche statement slice dogs and serve with baked beans.
Thanks to Belle Toole of Maher
Will pay top market price for crisp analogies, compound sentences and overtly descriptive adjectives. Tuesday only. Mr. Billfold at the Manana Holiday Inn 10 -2 or forward examples and projections to San Juan Horses, Dry Goods El Nino, Colona, Colorado.
May 12, 2016
Little Cone Calm Once More
(Norwood, CO Mountain Tantrums May 5, 2016)
After raging out of control for most of the spring the once dormant volcano, Little Cone, appears to have returned to the 2400-year cycle and ceased eruptions. Since late March the rambunctious rock formation has discharged over five cubic miles of white ash and black lava, but has not generated any earthquakes as of yet.
Geothermal experts were shocked at the fury of Little Cone, a teen-aged mountain that was thought to be a bit of a wallflower, an enigma in light of the associations she kept on the Sneffels and Wilson Ranges. For centuries Little Cone sat by childishly while the other mountains made their marks and did all the work.
For some time it appeared Little Cone would have things her way, gushing lava into the canyons and river bottoms, destroying the countryside. Then, without warning the eruption terminated and the birds began to sing again.
Although generally found near seacoasts volcanoes like Little Cone and her brother Lone Cone (known as Strombolian volcanoes since they feature thicker lava from which gas is released with explosive intensity) are also located in belts of weakness in the earth’s crust near great mountain chains.
Little Cone began blowing her top in March and became potent almost overnight. At first residents were fascinated with the light show but soon saw the dangers therein. Several virgins (they said they were virgins) were sacrificed to a host of hastily concocted gods and demons that were reputed to have an inside track with someone who had minor influence on Little Cone.
This morning a land bridge or spatter cone, composed of three parts lapilli and one part volcanic ash, has effectively connected the Twin Cities of Naturita and Nucla with the plush bedroom communities of Bedrock and Paradox.
“We could be seeing the formation of the world’s largest pumice dam,” said a volcano watcher stationed on what used to be called Norwood Hill.
– Merv Ditchwater
“Podran cortar todas las flores, pero no podrán detener la primavera.”
-Pablo Neruda
Skunk Shortage Worries Officials
(Ouray — Black and White Gazette — May 2, 2016)
A drastically reduced skunk population in these hills has leaders here scurrying around trying to cover the bases. A wet winter, combined with cooler evening temperatures in the early spring may have driven the aromatic mammals into the Badlands of New Mexico and could create a serious imbalance in Colorado.
“Normally we can monitor the healthy skunk population by inversion mathematics,” said a Department of Transportation biological source. “For decades it has been our practice to count the road kill on Mondays and divide by 12 to determine a monthly projection. “This year everything began like normal, and then in September we noticed a chronic drop in highway pancakes. It’s all quite frightening.”
It was not clear how the diminished population would affect summer celebrations such as Fourth of July. Already promoters are expressing concern over a less than skunky Ice Festival. Principles were quick to deny that the current skunk crisis had anything to do with the legalization of marijuana in Colorado.
In order to take advantage of skunk resources leaders stressed that every man, woman and child in Colorado must cooperate with local organizations intent on conserving our skunk packs. Some expressed guarded concern that the additional skunks might have to be purchased from Utah so as to make it through this calamity.
– Small Mouth Bess
Ridgway Energy Efficient
(Cow Creek, CO) The Carbon Boot Print – Spring 2027) — May 1, 2016)
The Environment Protection Militia today proclaimed the City of Ridgway (pop 130,000) as Energy Efficient. The esteemed honor has been bestowed on very few communities nationwide.
The status is linked to the construction of a giant dome stretching from Colona (annexed in 2021) to West Dallas Creek to Enchanted Mesa all the way south to Ouray (incorporated by the Ridgway Town Council in 2024). Built of adobe, aluminum cans, tires, bottles and old clothes donated by the Double RL Consortium, the dome is one of the largest such structures on the planet.
The only winterized version (designed cows, protection from ozone damage, kinky kiosks and trendy cafes be damned) that is larger is the neighboring Ski Dallas Indoor Mountain Vintage Mobile Cosmic Surgery Complex that, at 23 degrees Celsius, can help feed Utah and preserve local snow from back as far as 1996.
Since Ridgway outlawed the use of fossil fuels last winter the town has stayed warm by burning local deer fence posts and large bales of straw donated by the now defunct DEA.
– Dick “Roller” Derby
Realestatus Interruptus Act Eradicated
(Ophir, CO — I’m From Telluride Magazine — April 28, 2016)
A harsh 19th Century land use edict has finally been abolished in this 21st Century resort hamlet at the base of 14,000- foot Mount Endowment.
The Ski Trenches, a loosely aligned community, just downwind from the now defunct Wilson Spirit Refuge and Recovering Llama Ranch, had at one time required that the community sport at least one Realtor for every ten residents. That was then. This is now.
“We are witnessing the passing of an era,” said Warren Trafalgar III, who has held an assortment of licenses since last week. “We can only see good things in the works now that the statutes have unshackled us all.”
The termination of the much hated and clearly antiquated Realestatus Interruptus Act will allow the resettlement of Pandora and the rezoning of Liberty Bell subdivision from penal-rural-industrial to aerial-subsidized-agricultural. It’s a lot like colonization. It wasn’t fit for the working class but could make a great condominium compound for the ultra-rich.
The infamous act was originally created in 1879 to provide creative financing on early civic projects in town. The original owners of the property, the Ute, had no credit rating or deed culture, and banks were uneasy lending money on unimproved land.
The static situation became more clouded since the Utes had never asked to borrow anything from their new neighbors in the first place. In 1880 alone over 75 closings could not be consummated due to archaic banking practices and timidity at the higher levels of finance.
“One never knows who or what he might run into in the mountains,”
– Hannibal of Carthage, 211 BC
