All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category

BORED OUT OF MIND

by Jonathan Lowe

“Insecurity,” repeats Bernard Grossman unequivocally, “is what makes the world go round.” (Love, of course, has shriveled completely out of contention). It is insecurity, says Grossman, while on a lecture tour at $6000 per hour, which has been inculcated into the American psyche to the exclusion of everything-objectivity, perception, all the major emotions, sanity, and even so called common sense. I caught Grossman’s lecture at Purgatory Junior College high in the Rockies after having read a circular which was stuck in my windshield wiper at the Perimeter Mall (where I’d been to see “The Fly” at one of those theater multiplexes which play second-run specials—a ticket and popcorn for a buck fifty).

I figured I needed a highbrow change of pace since my brain had appeared (to me at least) somewhat flabby on my most recent CAT scan. The $14 fee and the hard seat notwithstanding, I was determined to enjoy the evening, and before introductions were even completed I’d already forgotten that “Robot Monster” was playing across town for aback—which included the privilege of choosing sides in the bloody Cola wars of the Nineties.

Thanks to Grossman’s reacting to his own introduction with applause (not to mention his exaggerated facial tics and the ability to make clearing his throat sound curiously like the swirl of water in a toilet bowl), I soon no longer regretted the fact that my wiper blade had failed to dislodge the advertisement in question, even after twenty consecutive sweeps. And so, with a growing sense of anticipation, I awaited the opportunity to exercise my long dormant brain with the help of a man who had earned honorary degrees in physics and parapsychology from Upper Volta University and had gained a GED from Mickey Rooney Institute of Burbank.

What follows is a brief summation of what Grossman sees through his red, road map eyes as he stares out across the experience of eighteen months since the publication of “Grossman’s Guide to the Galaxy” (a book that not only rocked the scientific community because it described the Andromedian Galaxy, but which enabled Grossman to -achieve his more practical dream of being interviewed by Robin Leach on “Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous”.)

Grossman On Astral Projection “Looking down on your body is very difficult to achieve, as you may have suspected. While many people hate their bodies, they have yet to master this skill. Simply loathing what you look like will not work in most instances. You have to be able to do it with your eyes closed. Once you learn to do this, however, all that remains is really despising “where you are”.”

Grossman On Aliens “There is an Intelligence at work in the Universe and it’s damn well not us. Of all the planets my consciousness has visited I have yet to witness a similar form of life. Is this an accident I ask, or rather by design? And what will happen when this Intelligence decides which Designer Aliens are “in” style and which “out”. Will we bipeds really become the rage in space? Of course if all of this IS by chance, then I suspect that the galaxies are merely cells in the body of this other Intelligence. In which case Black Holes can be thought of as cancer cells associated with not getting enough fiber in the diet. My attempts at mental projection in order to communicate with this Being (if it exists) have been blocked by what may be its blood/brain barrier. Optically, of course the telescope on Mount Palomar can only see as far as the walls of its intestines. Viewing is difficult due to the presence of gas.”

Grossman On Entertainment “Humans are unique, and particularly in that they alone have developed extremely short attention spans. (Only a hummingbird’s is shorter). This is the direct result of the advent of the 30 second TV commercial. Searching the fossil records, we discover that prehistoric man may have taken as long as three months on a single cave drawifig. Today we pride ourselves on how many subway cars we can vandalize in three minutes. And even best sellers these days have titles such as “The One Minute Lover”. In fact without music videos and special effects we become bored after exactly 84 seconds. Last year it was 92 seconds. When the countdown reaches zero, someone will push the BUTTON as soon as the batteries in their Sonny Watchman die.

Question: If an ancient race with solutions to all of our problems arrives on earth, will we have the patience to listen-or will we put them on TV and judge them by the Neilsen ratings?

Grossman On Love “The major problem with love is that because of high divorce rates of recent decades, homo sapiens have come to realize that they can probably fall in-love with just about anything and anybody. So now it has become harder to fall in love, even over a candlelight dinner. Unless, of course, it is too dark to see what is going on? (Finally) Grossman On Insecurity “The reason insecurity is so important during our present state of evolution is because we’ve finally realized that we’re not so big after all. It all started about the time Galileo took out a comprehensive insurance policy on his new telescope. It will end on the day when we suddenly wake up to the realization that there are more lawyers on the planet than non-lawyers.

Epilogue

At home, later the same evening I practiced flexing my new mental muscles, an with incredible strain eventually managed to float my consciousness out the window and high over my house. But after a minute and a half of this I became inexplicably bored, which I suspect was not only because it was too dark to see what was going on in any neighbor’s fenced-in pool. Was this really the final frontier? I asked myself bleakly.

Quickly dodging several quite common birds, I returned to my body, changed clothes, a cruised over to see “The Rocky Horror Picture Shove for the 37th time, making a mental note to sue Grossman for at least a refund. But when I came out of the movie there was a second leaflet stuck in my wiper blade. Grossman, it said, was moving to the Wimpton Com-munity Garden Club & Civic Center for a limited engagement. (Obviously, though, he knew from where the bulk of his audiences would continue to come.). I decided to drop the idea of a lawsuit and buy another ticket when I saw the subject: “Intermediate Projection-Getting Higher Than A Kite”. There was also an order form attached for Grossman’s second offering “The Missing Link”. The blurb went, Tor an examination of cave art, travel back in time with the professor 2 hill-lion or 20 million years back. Apparently like the multitude interviewed by Robin Leach, Grossman wasn’t too sure about the decimal point

High Altitude Bouquet

Uncompahgre colors way up here! Ground artifacts make a fine forest centerpiece up above Elk Meadows near Ridgway. Photo by Delinda Austin

Power Shut Off at House

(Warshington   —  Foggy Bottom Gazette   —  August 26, 2016))

The Aaron Burr Nuclear Power Plant has apparently discontinued electrical service to the United States Senate due to what it calls failure to address overdue notices. The action was taken this morning prior to the day’s business.

The news was received by an empty chamber in that none of the elected officials had opted to show up for work again. Most were either at lunch with lobbyists or back in their districts campaigning and strengthening constituencies.

“We sent them three warnings but I guess no one is ever there to pick up the mail much less write a check,” said Myrna Huphhousen, a former aide-de-camp of Herbert Hoover, who has been employed by the power company since 1930. “I’ve had years of experience dealing with these teflon deadbeats. Let them all filibuster in the dark!”

Congresspersons contacted were not aware of the shut-off since none had been at their desks since February. One said he expected to be back soon, while another calmed fears of an empty podium saying assorted lobbyists were keeping an eye on things.

“We don’t have time to keep up with petty notices and letters from our constituents, argued Oral Noise (Unitarian-CA) who had stumbled into the House billiard room in search of another bottle of Cuban rum. “But I can assure you that the check is in the mail.”

Another honorable member of the governing unit, Kleen “Dirty” Cavanaugh, a 98-year-old incumbent representing the Missoula Flood Plain blames the shut-off on Confederate sympathizers from down along Jefferson Davis Highway.

“We had trouble with those same kinda people out here only they wore feathers,” he smiled while aides, reporters and lobbyists fussed over him, waiting for him to drop dead and vacate the seat.

“Just wait for those jaybirds to come requesting a rate hike,” he quacked. “I could buy them and turn them into a nuclear feed lot.”

The status is not expected to affect lifetime pensions, lifetime health insurance or regular limo use, privileges covered by the taxpayer. One pro-weapons group has petitioned to present movies in the now darkened rooms while the Israeli Embassy has offered the use of a secondary auditorium at its complex, but only Republicans were invited.

Otherwise all pressing business, especially matters of national security, will be conducted at Big Mable’s Gravy Train on Pennsylvania Avenue until the lights come back on. Municipal scraping crews have taken the lull as an opportunity to remove chewing gum stuck to the bottom of Congressional seats as far back as the Gadsden Purchase.

– Melvin Toole

“Go ahead, blow yourself up with the propane stove. What can we do? Why should we get involved? We can get lots more tourists where you came from. They bring them here right to the plaza every day on the bus.”
– Cardinal Mendoza, pious brandy maker, when asked for directions on how to operate an ancient cook stove, Grazalema, Spain, April 8, 2016

Amnesty Day

No more hoarding, no more whispers in the hall. Bring back scissors, pens and paperclips!

Local Woman Loses Battle With Cat Over Lizard Torture

(El Jebel — August 18, 2016)

A local woman, who wishes to remain inanimate, has tragically lost her courageous battle with local cat, Fluffy, over Fluffy’s alleged use of recreational lizard torture at the women’s residence, each summer since 2009.

The local woman, identified only as a living female who resides somewhere people would gossip about, has announced that she will immediately give up her seven-year battle with Fluffy over what she has called the Cat’s “annual insanely macabre practice of outright lizard torture in order to help pass the hours during those lazy, hazy days of summer.”

Answering reporter’s questions, the local woman, who was fully clothed prior to the announcement, said this:

“I give up.  This is ridiculous. That cat is playing me as a fool. Last year it just kept chewing off little parts of the lizard’s tail. One night, the Cat begged me to let its little lizard friend Larry sleep-over. Larry’s tail was already noticeably shorter than it should have been, but I relented. The next morning I found that Larry had less than half of his tail left. Still, the Cat pleaded. ‘Oh, please? Can’t my little friend Larry sleep over tonight? Look! He loves me!

“Sure, I knew that part of the Cat’s story just didn’t ring true. I could plainly see that the Cat’s little pal Larry was getting smaller each night. Larry’s eyes weren’t so bright as the fence lizard picture in the little golden book of animals nobody cares about. Still, I looked at Fluffy, knowing Larry seemed to be the Cat’s only friend, and I let Larry sleep over.”

“Next morning, Larry had no tail left at all and was lying upside down next to the Cat on the sofa. The Cat broke the uncomfortable silence with, ‘Me and Larry were wondering what’s for breakfast?’

“I picked up Larry’s short, dazed body and I removed him to an undisclosed safe house where he had everything he needed to recover and start a new life.
Next morning I found Larry on the floor in the kitchen, no tail and his head and legs were missing. The Cat sat on the kitchen table and cleaned its feet on my placemat. Then it said, ‘wasn’t The Godfather a great movie?’

“That was last year. It’s started again this year with a new lizard. I’m no match for that Cat. I know that now. I just wish I had learned this lesson a long time ago.”

Such a tragic story, yet not uncommon in our own neighborhoods. The San Juan Horseshoe wishes to thank this local woman for the courage to speak with us about her own personal hell, created by the unassuming Fluffy the Cat.

– Lina Baquer

August 7, 2016

Drone Soup

World Classifine Ads — August 14, 2016

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Will scrape windshields for free until October. Mack the Hack, Gunnison. Specializing in underwater wheelbarrow photography, groundless opinions and quantum foot massage. Saturday mornings only in Sapinero. 140,000 miles without major enzyme malfunction.

Improve tunnel vision without surgery. Dial 17 and hold it.

Company specializing in information services for visiting dignitaries and peace negotiators seeks information on nightlife and entertainment amenities for new brochure on Dayton, Ohio. We have had successful track records in Mogadishu, Paris, Helsinki, Geneva and Camp David. Our guides and packages have drawn praise in Havana, Cairo, Berlin and Toronto. Need help here. Anyone who can provide sufficient information on Dayton will be lavishly rewarded. Diplomat Exchange and Antiques, Political Prisoner Circle, Brooklyn, NY.

Succulent Yucca plant would like to meet others of same persuasion for a fertile, perennial relationship. Well-rooted. No plastic geraniums, gourds, fungi or thallophytic loafers. Blind Box 3, Pinkyville.

Lost: Mustache wax grinder neat Old St. Lazare Station last Thursday morning. If found please contact Claude Monet. Small reward.

Red has three two-tone caribou calves, two females and one male. Great when the snow comes. Even better on lawns and vacant lot maintenance. Lovely temperaments. Mouse broken and registered. See Red at Quezon City Trading Post in Rudy’s Canyon. Could make great polo ponies if they were horses. No snails before noon.

For auction to the highest bidder: Verified 1941 instructor’s manual for the HMS Hood. Also have pilot’s log for the Enola Gay. Serious offers only. Casey Jones, Colona Railroad Yard.

Our donuts aren’t going to the Rio Olympics! They’re staying here at La Zona de Colona Coffee House. Are these really the best tasting donuts in North America? Need you ask? Now open in Colona. Try our Drive-Thru.

Need full-figured man or woman to deliver left-wing newspapers to thin, chronically ill recluses. Jolly Enterprises. Call our 800 number!

Romance columnist needed for Gunnison Times. Must be well versed in logical application of hormones and tangled webs just below the surface. No Irish.

Expert and creative lawn mowing by Earl. Buzzes, spikes, flat tops and cranial work our specialty. Like your hair a little longer? Here’s introducing Peggy Sue on her riding mower. Half-price Tuesdays no longer applicable in Egnar or Cahone. Remember: When the snow falls prices go up!

Will dry dock your backyard barbecue apparatus through the winter. Safe, secure storage. No termites. Extended hours for fall. Charles Gaffe, Charcoal, WY.