All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category
Local Man Wins RV Races
(Mañana, CO — Mudhumpers Gazette — August 5, 2016)
Melvin Toole, 77 of 558399733668844 Road here has claimed first prize in the annual Recreational Vehicle Sprint held at the Montrose Water Park. The 2016 Senior Games champion, sporting a 700-foot long Cherokee, 5th Wheel, Stiff Neck Turbo plus One, turned in times of 45.6 and 46.2 barely edging out a husband and wife team from Moline who were disqualified for dirty rigs.
Beth and Walter Whisper of Cedaredge are protesting the decision to award the prize money to Toole. They say they beat his self-contained eunuch, navigated by a pet terrier named Rothschild Broom Hilda, who won the barrel racing and parallel parking competitions paws down the previous afternoon.
Although legally blind, Toole remains instrument rated and plays commercial radio full blast to keep from falling asleep at the wheel. Readers may remember that Toole was disqualified in the 2014 and 2015 races for failure to wear a seatbelt during the proceedings. He was not wearing pants either.
However, due to chronic crowding at local jailhouses, Toole was issued a warning and told to go finish dressing before he returned to town. A tennis enthusiast, the former Big Tire shaman, watches at least 15 hours of television per day and writes to his Congressmen.
– Muriel Armbruster
“A politician doesn’t steal elections. He pays for them.”
– written on the wall in the Congressional Ethics Committee men’s room
National Clown Retreat Dismissed
(Foggy Bottom Red Nose Review July 28, 2016)
The 15th Annual American Clown Convention was banned from meeting inside the confines of the District of Columbia last evening. Citing a “seriously disruptive element of chaos and anarchy”, presiding Judge Emmet “Blinky” Kelley ruled that the clowns and their entourage must leave town in 24 hours of face arrest.
A spokesperson for the clowns said she blamed the decades of political shenanigans that have left the electorate and the civil powers with a bad taste in their collective mouths.
“These Presidential contenders and pretenders have blatantly attempted to compete with us for the attention of the dumbed-down American public,” said one radical clown, his grease paint dripping down his cheeks. “We’ll be back. This city has more clowns per capita than anywhere on the planet and we want to be a part of the action.”
The clowns were loaded onto buses this morning and driven to points in Maryland and Virginia where they will be encouraged to mix with the local citizenry.
– Gabby Haze
Canine work stats cast shadow on Obama legacy
Disappointing canine employment figures cast a negative light on Barack Obama’s presidential performance according to the American Kennel Club, The Butane Society and a host of conservative think tanks.
Supportive ail waggers back in 2010 are singing a different tune in 2016 since job creation for dogs has fallen off significantly. Many blame the President.
“Official figures are not valid since the formula does not include or recognize dogs who do not file for benefits or unemployment compensation,” said Julienne Pettifogger of the AKC. “Both sides of the political spectrum manipulate these numbers to beef up their points but they mean very little.”
One angry Butane Society bureaucrat called dogs “known gluttons only too happy to engage in teeth bearing tactics and fur rising over such ridiculous prizes as bones and turf”.
“These mongrels ignore family responsibilities and consume copies amounts of kibble without even doing the dish (es). They have little or no work ethic,” said Pettifogger.
– Dag Katz
July 14, 2016
Too much executive direction, too few tenants
(Mañana — July 19, 2016) According to a recent study completed as part of Traffic Pattern Summer here, the number of Executive Directors in town equal the number of empty storefronts…exactly. The formula, new to science, suggests that while titles abound, real work is delegated at best and often neglected in favor of power plays and petty politics.
“The square root of the number of days planning relative to the number of hours operating are severely lopsided,” said Edwin Cerro, of some sociological or psychological think tank in Peach Valley. “Then if we add the infinite value to the primitive mode we get the definitive chaos that defines life in the 21st Century. Get it?”
Cerro went on to insist that postulates exhorting the use of hallucinogens to make it through the day or eating genetically modified fast foods are not acceptable language at the dinner table.
“The multiplier, number 4, is a mysterious footnote to the astral proceedings conducted at a lunch stand near Stonehenge and in the beehives of Ballyferriter. In short we don’t know what it means but it does clearly combine the critical division of the Universe into equal and passive parts while moonbeam traffic patterns remain a recipe for disaster.
In a related story plans to build a series of roundabouts over the river and through the woods at the local golf course have come to a sudden halt as neighbors screamed down local officials, driving them out of the neighborhood with bean poles and battle axes.
“There is nothing circular going on as golfers pass the fairway on their way to the green. Even the Giant Carnivore Cottonwoods stand straight and in a row,” said Cerro. “The merchant class will not put up with this tomfoolery.”
Susie Compost
