All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category

Bad rosin bags blamed for losses

(Denver  Rockies Sideline Report  September 23, 2016))

Decomposed, often spoiled rosin bags handled by the Colorado Rockies’ relief staff are being blamed for a string of blown saves at Coors Field.

The bags, filled with powdered resin from pine trees, are designed to enhance a pitcher’s performance while on the mound. However, according to baseball experts “the employment of rancid or bad rosin can have adverse effects causing inconsistencies, lack of concentration and general wildness on the part of otherwise stable hurlers.”

The problem, says the front office “is particularly acute in the later innings when relief pitchers are most active especially when afternoon heat or evening shadows come into play.”

Officials within the Rockies’ organization have been searching for some explanation as to poor pitching performances of late which have all but taken the club out of contention before the All-Star Break. Plans to secure new rosin bags are in the works but with plummeting attendance figures and a demanding payroll it will be weeks before they can be secured. Selling advertising space on the bases and charging extra for mustard at the hot dog stand has been discouraged by the league and can’t relied upon to provide new revenues.

Asked why the presence of bad rosin bags has not resulted in a breakdown in opposing bullpens, a Rockies’ spokesman said he was looking into that.

“Maybe they bring their own,” he said, “or loading up the ball with chew or some other controlled substance when the umpire isn’t looking.”

“I love children, especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away.”                – Nancy Mitford

Autumn Golf Update

Here in the Rockies it’s all about elevation come fall. Dos Rios is exceptional through most of October while Moab just hits the pinnacle in early November. Cedaredge is fine through November and Bridges is quite enjoyable then too.

Dos Rios: If you see a bear don’t laugh at his backswing. Spectacular days cooling are off at sundown. Lovely course made even more serene by the low population density this time of the year. Excellent kitchen and bar make this a paradise for linkers. Gunnison 641-

Cedaredge: Perhaps the best time to play is September-October, as the desert can get a little warm in June and July. Tight, creative fairways meet quiet streams and challenging greens, bathed in the luxurious Indian summer. Excellent kitchen and bar round off a very positive golfing experience.

Bridges: A premier spot that would be inaccessible if located in a large urban area. Versatile course offering every joy and hazard. Weather generally good through early November. Open depending on the temperature and conditions. Another fine restaurant and views that make it special indeed.

Moab: Beautiful red cliffs and canyons are only the beginning of the 18-hole masterpiece highlighted by the proverbial winds of winter that will be blowing elsewhere (at least through the December). Great time to enjoy the slower pace in town and on the greens.

STUDENT BODY AMONG NATION’S CLEAN CUT

(Harvard-on-Tomichi  School Daze  September 12, 2016)

The current enrollment at Western State College is among the nation’s elite, at least in one catagory. According to a just published report in College Material, a self-described guide for prospective scholastic icons, Western State students finished just under those at William and Mary in the magazine’s Most Clean Cut rankings.

Other colleges and universities listed in the black with regards to general cleanliness and purity included Oral Roberts University, Pepperdine, Georgetown, BYU, North Dakota Teacher’s, West Point, Sarah Lawrence, New Hebron Barber College, the Air Force Academy, the Naval Academy and Brown. Those mentioned at the bottom of the roster were Cal Berkley, NYU, University of Wisconsin, Fresno Embalming State, Yale, University of Nevada Las Vegas, Fort Lewis College and the University of Colorado.

Judgment was based on such considerations as personal hygiene, body piercing, hair length, adherence to current fashion, automobiles, taste in partners, recreational pursuits and diet. Agricultural schools, including culinary institutes were not included in the poll.

Here student reaction was mixed with one freshman saying that he thought the standing gave the school more credibility and the rest of the student body slightly embarrassed.

“We’re trying to be as hip as possible and shed this clean cut image,” offered one coed. “It’s just difficult haround here with all the positive influences.”

Another college senior, who said he burned all his ties and adopted a surly attitude while a sophomore, told The Horseshoe that their was nothing avant garde about a little dirt under the fingernails or a mop of greasy hair.

“At the same time I can’t recall very many of the world’s great thinkers posed in the bathtub,” he mused, “with the possible exception of Jean Paul Marat, and we all know what happened to him, or do we?”

– Susie Compost

September in the San Juans

Photo by Delinda Austin

Rockies’ scouts in Gaza in search of relief pitching

(West Bank)   Sticks and Stoned   September     , 2016)

The Colorado Rockies front office has sent a company of scouts to the often-embattled Gaza Strip this week in hopes of signing a few short relief pitchers. The preponderance of strong young arms in the region coupled with a chronic lack of opportunity has created a buyer’s market there.

“Many of these potential hurlers stare down tanks and assault weaponry armed only with rocks,” said Emile Turlo, a former coach for the Asheville Tourists who now makes a living developing new talent. “Constant violence and desperate economic conditions here have created a glut of raw players far more comfortable with the a soccer ball than a baseball.”

Turlo confirmed reports that his team would not be looking at Israelis to fill the void on its pitching staff.

“They are too busy building new settlements on Palestinian land to play at sandlot assimilations,” said Turlo. “It’s pretty tough establishing a curve ball with a rock, especially when one is lugging around an AK-47.”

– Kashmir Horseshoe

BORED OUT OF MIND

by Jonathan Lowe

“Insecurity,” repeats Bernard Grossman unequivocally, “is what makes the world go round.” (Love, of course, has shriveled completely out of contention). It is insecurity, says Grossman, while on a lecture tour at $6000 per hour, which has been inculcated into the American psyche to the exclusion of everything-objectivity, perception, all the major emotions, sanity, and even so called common sense. I caught Grossman’s lecture at Purgatory Junior College high in the Rockies after having read a circular which was stuck in my windshield wiper at the Perimeter Mall (where I’d been to see “The Fly” at one of those theater multiplexes which play second-run specials—a ticket and popcorn for a buck fifty).

I figured I needed a highbrow change of pace since my brain had appeared (to me at least) somewhat flabby on my most recent CAT scan. The $14 fee and the hard seat notwithstanding, I was determined to enjoy the evening, and before introductions were even completed I’d already forgotten that “Robot Monster” was playing across town for aback—which included the privilege of choosing sides in the bloody Cola wars of the Nineties.

Thanks to Grossman’s reacting to his own introduction with applause (not to mention his exaggerated facial tics and the ability to make clearing his throat sound curiously like the swirl of water in a toilet bowl), I soon no longer regretted the fact that my wiper blade had failed to dislodge the advertisement in question, even after twenty consecutive sweeps. And so, with a growing sense of anticipation, I awaited the opportunity to exercise my long dormant brain with the help of a man who had earned honorary degrees in physics and parapsychology from Upper Volta University and had gained a GED from Mickey Rooney Institute of Burbank.

What follows is a brief summation of what Grossman sees through his red, road map eyes as he stares out across the experience of eighteen months since the publication of “Grossman’s Guide to the Galaxy” (a book that not only rocked the scientific community because it described the Andromedian Galaxy, but which enabled Grossman to -achieve his more practical dream of being interviewed by Robin Leach on “Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous”.)

Grossman On Astral Projection “Looking down on your body is very difficult to achieve, as you may have suspected. While many people hate their bodies, they have yet to master this skill. Simply loathing what you look like will not work in most instances. You have to be able to do it with your eyes closed. Once you learn to do this, however, all that remains is really despising “where you are”.”

Grossman On Aliens “There is an Intelligence at work in the Universe and it’s damn well not us. Of all the planets my consciousness has visited I have yet to witness a similar form of life. Is this an accident I ask, or rather by design? And what will happen when this Intelligence decides which Designer Aliens are “in” style and which “out”. Will we bipeds really become the rage in space? Of course if all of this IS by chance, then I suspect that the galaxies are merely cells in the body of this other Intelligence. In which case Black Holes can be thought of as cancer cells associated with not getting enough fiber in the diet. My attempts at mental projection in order to communicate with this Being (if it exists) have been blocked by what may be its blood/brain barrier. Optically, of course the telescope on Mount Palomar can only see as far as the walls of its intestines. Viewing is difficult due to the presence of gas.”

Grossman On Entertainment “Humans are unique, and particularly in that they alone have developed extremely short attention spans. (Only a hummingbird’s is shorter). This is the direct result of the advent of the 30 second TV commercial. Searching the fossil records, we discover that prehistoric man may have taken as long as three months on a single cave drawifig. Today we pride ourselves on how many subway cars we can vandalize in three minutes. And even best sellers these days have titles such as “The One Minute Lover”. In fact without music videos and special effects we become bored after exactly 84 seconds. Last year it was 92 seconds. When the countdown reaches zero, someone will push the BUTTON as soon as the batteries in their Sonny Watchman die.

Question: If an ancient race with solutions to all of our problems arrives on earth, will we have the patience to listen-or will we put them on TV and judge them by the Neilsen ratings?

Grossman On Love “The major problem with love is that because of high divorce rates of recent decades, homo sapiens have come to realize that they can probably fall in-love with just about anything and anybody. So now it has become harder to fall in love, even over a candlelight dinner. Unless, of course, it is too dark to see what is going on? (Finally) Grossman On Insecurity “The reason insecurity is so important during our present state of evolution is because we’ve finally realized that we’re not so big after all. It all started about the time Galileo took out a comprehensive insurance policy on his new telescope. It will end on the day when we suddenly wake up to the realization that there are more lawyers on the planet than non-lawyers.

Epilogue

At home, later the same evening I practiced flexing my new mental muscles, an with incredible strain eventually managed to float my consciousness out the window and high over my house. But after a minute and a half of this I became inexplicably bored, which I suspect was not only because it was too dark to see what was going on in any neighbor’s fenced-in pool. Was this really the final frontier? I asked myself bleakly.

Quickly dodging several quite common birds, I returned to my body, changed clothes, a cruised over to see “The Rocky Horror Picture Shove for the 37th time, making a mental note to sue Grossman for at least a refund. But when I came out of the movie there was a second leaflet stuck in my wiper blade. Grossman, it said, was moving to the Wimpton Com-munity Garden Club & Civic Center for a limited engagement. (Obviously, though, he knew from where the bulk of his audiences would continue to come.). I decided to drop the idea of a lawsuit and buy another ticket when I saw the subject: “Intermediate Projection-Getting Higher Than A Kite”. There was also an order form attached for Grossman’s second offering “The Missing Link”. The blurb went, Tor an examination of cave art, travel back in time with the professor 2 hill-lion or 20 million years back. Apparently like the multitude interviewed by Robin Leach, Grossman wasn’t too sure about the decimal point