All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category
Cruz would seize Ottawa by February
(Houston-on-Gulf Fantasy Land Press – November 1, 2016)
Early action on the part of fantasy league President Ted Cruz will be the seizure of the Canadian capital at Ottawa, it was disclosed today. The military conquest of Canada, which would begin with the carpet-bombing of Ontario, would soon result in quick capitulation, according to aides loyal to Cruz.
The three-pronged assault, top secret until yesterday, would feature nautical landings on Lake Erie and Huron; tank advances into the Rockies and a frontal attack across the St Lawrence River Valley. Tagged Operation Barbarella, the blitzkrieg would result in a Canada on her knees eager to capitulate.
The meganation, just to the north of the United States, became a target priority due to the rise of liberal-communist government and its desire to legalize marijuana in 2017. That status is particularly aggravated by reluctance on the part of the new government to crack down on socialism and atheists.
It is also one of the few countries that Cruz supporters could successfully locate on a world map.
Since Canada is the birthplace of this great evangelical marvel, the inevitable comparison with the Anschuss with Austria has evolved. In 1938 Adolf Hitler grabbed his birthplace of Austria, annexing it to Germany. Many historians add that Cruz will employ the same snake oil used by Hitler when the artillery assault begins.
Afterwards, Canada would be stripped of all resources, mined, fracked, harvested, plowed and blacktopped by corporate deacon crews. The extreme northern reaches are to be sold off to Russia, all treaties with native peoples rescinded, Canadian bacon would be genetically modified, all beer brewed above the former international border would be watered down. Hockey would be banned on Sundays as a punitive measure.
The detailed blueprint for this confiscation is painfully chronicled in a tight, minute-to-minute fashion. More churches and prisons would be built in the ashes while schools and Planned Parenthood clinics would be torched along with libraries.
French populations in Quebec would be deported to make room for arriving Evangelical farmers from the U.S. Wall Street tycoon and wife of Ted, Heidi Cruz would oversee the banking system until it could be systematically strangled and finally terminated in 2018.
Meanwhile voices from the rich Canadian yolk cry out. “How could he do this to us? We were so good to him.”
“The Sudetenland…er I mean Alberta, would provide us with the breadbasket necessary to impose our will on the rest of humanity,” said Cruz from a shrimp boat in Houston. “I will personally arrest this Communist President Thoreau or whatever his name is, and settle the godless frolic that is today’s Canada!”
“Soon Canada would assimilate and become part of the greater nation giving us 61 states which has been clearly foretold in scripture. (Ted Verse 45: 22-27) “Never let an opportunity pass before thee. They are the blind children of lies and follies and will always run to the rabbit hole when danger lingers. Be that rabbit hole.”
Cruz did not coment on a rumor moving the capital to Winnipeg so it can be easily defended in the event of a nuclear strike.
– Susie Compost
Combined Canning Season Considered
(Tin Pan Park — Colorado Mamories — October 25, 2016)
A combined canning season is now being considered for 2017 due to an increase in canners during the two separate seasons, says Louella Hatchet of the State Cosmic Canning Observatory in Aurora.
The number of canners increased from 18,561 to 23,076 since 2000 and with the increase has come more accidents, violations and the big money.
“We want to squeeze every last dollar out of the out-of staters,” laughed Hatchet. “So what if they can’t spend money with the local merchants like they used to. We don’t give a damn about the merchants either- most are just a wavering rich people, a true bunch of lost newcomers anyway.”
Canners from all over the world come to the Western Slope in search of erotic plants and edible rocks.
“Reloading, once quite controversial, has become quite popular in recent years,” added Hatchet,”and by 2017 we hope to tax the hell out of that too.”
Since 1963 the SCO has been tagging cans to check their health, breeding and migratory habits just like we do with the King’s deer. “So far we have spent $212,000 to find that these cans are immune to most diseases, sterile and relatively immobile, but we’ll keep trying,” said Hatchet.
– Mel Toole
ROGUE ELK HIGH ON VIAGRA
(Norwood) Ranchers here report that thug elk herds have broken into their Viagra stacks, consuming massive quantities of the stuff prior to rutting season. Local Hunters are warned that as many as 500 bull elk may have been exposed to the virility drug.
The affected stacks, disguised as hay and secretly stored in low visibility pastures, were tampered with at night. The intruding elk knocked down fence and lingered for many hours grazing on the potency helper.
“In the morning one could easily observe the effect of bull elk on the rampage,” said Thorgood Hill, a former tofu rancher who took to growing Viagra for the gov’ment last summer. “The adolescent bulls are generally rambunctious in the fall but this year they are really on a roll.”
According to sources on Wright’s Mesa, the Viagra was to be stored there until federals had time to experiment with the stuff. It was reportedly to be used on Hereford bulls to increase virility/productivity.
“Operation Animal Husbandry is a solid concept,” said Walter Breakfastmeate, a wrangler for the USDA. “We figured that a mix of Viagra and alfalfa would produce more calves and thus more job security for leeches like me. I think we need to rethink the approach and maybe move our stash to places where elk don’t wander around all night.”
Breakfastmeate terminated his epistle by adding that in Norwood there seemed to be a subtle distrust of the federal government even though the Hooterville of the San Juans had become a part of the United States way back in 1848 after the Mexican War.
“Don’t they have a curfew around here?” he asked.
– Signelle de Bushe
DOW Counting Sheep
(Powder horn No Camping Here News October 14, 2016 )
The Colorado Division of Wildlife will engage in its annual sheep count starting mid-November said a source in Denver. The yearly tally, focused solely on bighorns and not domestic woolies, is not expected to interrupt traffic flow although some hold-ups in remote spots may occur.
The idea behind the count is to determine how many bighorn sheep live here.
“We realize that these beasts often run away and hide when they see people, especially people with badges and uniforms,” said Hillary Gote, a registered pantheist from the San Luis Valley. “It’s OK though since we’re not planning to interview them. We only want to count them.”
Plans to tabulate sheep numbers from the air were harshly criticized by animal rights groups since the noise of intruding aircraft is said to create inordinate stress in the herds. The practice of tagging stragglers has also been condemned for the same reasons.
Hey, if you’re gonna make an omelet you’ve gotta break some eggs,” quipped Gote, “and since sheep don’t lay eggs we’ll have to bring home the bacon on our own.”
The DOW apologized for any inconvenience caused by the program.
“The state counts tourists, why shouldn’t we count sheep?” said Gote. “Besides, many of our bighorn clientele would be lost without these statistics. If you were a sheep wouldn’t you want to know how many more of you were out there?”
– Ripple Van Winkle
Campaign Workers Should Plead Insanity
(Chicago) Many mindless campaign workers, still convinced that their chosen candidate represents the panacea, the solution, should, according to leading experts, plead insanity when confronted with recent childish behavior during the elections.
Comparing typical responses of enthusiasm to canned laughter syndrome (CLS), critics of the process say opiated followers only encourage politicians to ignore the real issues and allow these gilded charade masters to misrepresent the truth.
“These glazed over straw hat provincials are the core of what’s wrong with our electoral process,” said one political analyst who has already projected a winner in the 2020 and 2024 Presidential races.
To many delegates and party-liners the whole process is just a big party. The association with a given candidate gives the volunteer worker a dose of validity in an otherwise often stumblebum existence. They ride the coat-tails of their chosen one to victory, claiming that they had a small part. Their responses are inappropriate, their souls tainted by the two-party system. Most couldn’t pass a high school civics test.
They cheer enthusiastically when their candidate spouts more tired rhetoric or passes wind. It’s all the same to them. The politician promises to help the farmers…They cheer madly. He/she pledges relief for the working poor…The house comes down. The candidate paints a picture of himself as the messiah…They are brought to the edge of righteousness, tears forming in the remote corners of their generally dry eyes.
Herding other sheep is a full time gig. Chowderheaded cogs in the massive machine that is eating up the earth and kowtowing to the corporations. Why wrestle with the issues when the guy on stage is sugar-coating reality, packaged for television. Sound bytes. Perception. Sound bytes.
Continued under the tablecloth when the dessert lights go down
