All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category
TOOTHLESS IN SALIDA
(Poncha Springs) After a month-long postal investigation it appears that Melvin Toole’s newly acquired store teeth may be cooling their gums over in Salida. He can’t eat anything but baby food. He’s losing weight. He’s upset.
On Thursday, August 6 Toole mailed his new false teeth from his Cranor Hill address to a dental office on Slaughterhouse Road for cleaning. Toole was not aware that all mail sent in town in Gunnison travels to Salida first. The teeth never made it.
“In all fairness to the postal service, this is a rare foul up,” said Karma Stampe, a third class administrative assistant from Denver. “We just don’t lose mail.”
Whether the chompers are in Salida or somewhere in between is still not clear. Toole admits that he did not include a return address or buy insurance on the teeth.
“They were only traveling across town, or so I thought,” he whined. “If I would have known it was going to be an epic journey I would have at least packed them a light lunch.”
Several citizens groups including the Highball Dance Ensemble and the Gunnison Association for Fallen Away Hibernians have come forward offering to chew Toole’s food for him. Officials hooked up with the heralded War on Slugs have also promised to throw a little weight around in Salida.
“Maybe the teeth are in Colombia or even in the Golden Triangle,” said one slug buster.
In the meantime Toole languishes under the perfumed awning at his marmot ranch north of Gunnison, a man once motivated, once a major character in an unfolding drama.
“He can’t even brush his gums without breaking down,” said Nettie Twyne, his live-in companion of 86 years. “I can’t believe the postal service could do such a thing.”
Officials in Denver told The Horseshoe that they planned to remedy the situation by sending all Gunnison in town mail to Montrose rather than Salida before returning it to its point of origination.
“That should prove more convenient,” said an official who demanded anonymity.
– Dinty Moore
Bigfoot, Bear Extend Confrontation
(Silverton) A Mineral Creek Bigfoot and local bear have exchanged harsh words in the past but nothing like today when a heated altercation stormed out of the woods and down into the town. Clearly the problem stems from habitat issues, with the big foot demanding local bears stay out of his terrain while the bears say Bigfoot has no rights here.
“Bigfoot is a pig,” said one bruin. “His camp is a mess and he throws garbage into the creek. He has no sanitation skills and howls at night keeping other animals awake. We’re gonna get him this time,” he pledged.
This morning the conflict spilled into Silverton frightening train passengers and halting traffic on Greene Street. When police finally chased the participants back into the wilderness, crumbled asphalt, chunks of fur and deep-seated resentment filled the air.
According to eye witnesses the Bigfoot/Yeti was surrounded by as many as three bears and, despite the initial assault, stood his ground.
“That boy is one tough sombitch,” said a guest at the Triangle Motel. “He run off them bear like they was those little plastic jars of honey.”
According to a police report the Bigfoot then made his escape through a back alley with the bear in pursuit. Despite climbing to safer ground, he suffered inflicting blows and a nasty bite on the lower calf. Officers following a blood trail watched as the fight moved to a more wooded venue toward Kendal Mountain where the warring parties disappeared from view.
“They are all out of town for now,” said one officer, “but they’ll be back when the last of the autumn food chain is kaput and the dumpsters glisten in the melting snow.”
Local black bear contend that the Bigfoot is not only trespassing but that he is not indigenous to the area. (He is commonly believed to be from the San Luis Valley). Bigfoot feels that because stands on two legs and can use tools he should dominate. He also says the bear are stupid.
The Big Foot that has been wintering up Mineral Creek for some five years and until last month there had been no incidents involving the fiercely territorial Bigfoot and other wildlife, real or imagined.
And if that’s not enough to whisk one’s bristles, Montrose County officers report another Missing Link sighting on the Uncompahgre Plateau near Columbine Pass.
According to an official report: “We had him corned in a eucalyptus grove but he slipped away when it got dark,” “He was a big one and his personal hygiene was an issue, especially after the monsoons and high winds.” said one deputy. “It was enough to make you want to go stand over on the other side of the meadow.”
It is believed that the possible Missing Link hitched a ride into Naturita to avoid capture. A manhunt and pancake breakfast is scheduled for Saturday morning in the town park.
“This kind of thing is normal,” said one resident, “especially during fall season when we have all these hunters running around in these woods.”
In a related piece, Confront Range authorities are expected to announce the results of their mega investigation aimed at determining shell phone use in packs of Neanderthal-Americans who once roamed the Rockies. Until a few years ago, the technology seemed out of reach for these primitive beings but recently discovered artifacts, as well as extravagant cave dwellings suggest otherwise.
Piles of shells, presumably left out in the sun to charge by hopped up antediluvians, further suggest that evolution of sorts was in progress or it could be no more than another round of monkey business. Anthropologists here are attempting to determine if there is a further link in these episodes or if they are only isolated incidents. – Small Mouth Bess
“I invent nothing. I transmit.” – Confucius
GHOST OF UPTON SINCLAIR GETS TICKET
(Telluride) The ghost of writer Upton Sinclair, who while alive penned such classics as The Jungle and The Dragon’s Teeth is contesting a parking ticket received on South Fir Street Thursday. Sinclair, who is reportedly in town gathering evidence for his newest expose on the ski industry, said he was scouring the town for meter change when the summons was written.
“His books were very critical of the powers that be,” said one literary enthusiast. “Many of us think the ticket was just another form of harassment, even though he is deceased.”
The source went on to describe how she checked out every Sinclair title from the local library and has hidden them from the authorities.
“The capitalists tried to silence him back in the 30s with an assortment of threats, which by comparison, make a parking ticket seem rather trivial.”
Sinclair’s ghost said the vehicle was left unattended for an estimated five minutes lending credence to the conspiracy theory.
“He should have parked somewhere away from the cop shop,” said the literati.
Despite the citation Sinclair will continue work on the publication in which he accuses the the ski interests of feudalism, misrepresentation of climatic conditions, and acting as a front for the real estate industry.
“OK, so the ski bosses aren’t quite as bad as the barons of the meat-packing industry,” said the library source, “but the effects on the local environment are still questionable. Is it fair for the feds to lease land to a private concern who turns around and charges exorbitant fees to taxpayers for access?”
Meanwhile one ski area spokesman here said the whole incident has been blown out of proportion and offered to pay the fine out of petty cash.
“What can one expect?” he chided “Who would name a kid Upton in the first place?”
– Cool Hand Luke
“I want to be alone.” – Greta Garbo
Trump Aberdeen Golf Course Destroyed by Hurricane
(Aberdeen, Scotland) Another Trump property has been demolished by natural causes this week leading scientists to believe that similar incidents are not only linked but that the planet is pissed off beyond reconciliation. Greens, tee boxes and a luxury club house were torn from their roots and sent skyward while golfers sat in nearby bunkers (untouched) and waited for Mother Nature to complete what was called “a strategic attack as if cherry-picked by the heavens” by eye-witnesses.
Then, in hydrological pentameter and just as the skies began to clear, the property was trounced to dust by a tornado that landed right smack on hole number 18. No other destruction was reported in the vicinity. Trump declared bankruptcy and dismissed employees without pay.
Colorado moves to seize foreign-owned property
(Cookie Tree Lake) The state of Colorado will begin taking possession of all properties owned by non-Coloradoans as part of a far-reaching attempt to reach economic parity in the new year.
In what is called radical by the landed gentry, the plan calls for the seizure and redistribution of all lands and dwellings currently held by non-residents, defined as persons who do not live within the state for at least 9 months per year. Recipients of projected windfall are landless peasants who live and work in Colorado.
Played down at the state house, out-of-state owners will be notified of their status early next week. Foreign property owners will then have six weeks to readjust their resident status to comply with the ruling or risk seizure.
“This is going to have major appeal with one group while negatively impacting the other,” said architect of the bill, Rep Oral Noise (Unitarian-Aurora). “We’re not trying to punish anyone for being rich or to destroy the second home owner phenomenon. We just want these people to live in their houses, spend their money here year-round and support the assortment of social services already available in Colorado. It’s not some socialistic land reform issue. It’s more a matter of justice.”
In the past years many out of towners have bought up pristine lands here, building large homes that are used for only a few weeks or months of the year.
“One doesn’t see many Coloradoans owning trophy homes in Texas or California. It happens but not at the rate that we are seeing in mountain towns within our borders,” said Noise. We only seek to slow down this growing trend toward absentee ownership.”
Attorneys for those affected say they will appeal the rulings on the grounds that private property laws cannot be manipulated in this manner.
“If someone form outside Colorado wants to own a piece of Colorado they should be able to do so,” said one lawyer from his office in Tulsa. “It’s not their fault hat the place is beautiful and that the lifestyle is attractive. Their routines should not be interrupted or dictated by this silly appraisal of the law by communists in Denver.”
Squatters are reminded that they must respect gates and no trespassing signs until this matter is concluded.
– Mongo Congo
“What shall we do with the drunken sailor, early in the morning?” – from The Drunken Sailor
