All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category
WAL-MART MOVING TO CHINA
Bentonville to Beijing
( Montrose) Wal-Mart Corporation is relocating its entire executive complex to Mainland China. The move, announced this morning, is seen as an attempt to get closer to the source of consumer goods sold in the mega stores all over the world.
A vast majority of the products sold by Wal-Mart are made in China.
“We will still wave American flags and greet our customers in English, at least in the US for the time being.,” said a Wal-Mart executive who linked trade deficits with global warming and devil worship.
Controlled jubilation dominated the skyline in the Chinese capital this morning as the news became public. Despite the fact that only a handful of active consumers exist in China the embrace of Wal-Mart was seen as a matter of national pride.
“We don’t intend to go retail right now since our Chinese allies don’t want to see a lot of empty noodle shop storefronts in downtown areas, continued the executive. “We will move in slowly at first gaining the trust of the Chinese consumer, then we will pull the carpet out from under them just like we did in the good ol’ USA.”
The Wal-Mart headquarters will be located in Tiananmen Square next to the 3000-foot high statue of Sam Walton erected by the Chinese after viewing the firm’s sales figures from 2016. Twenty-thousand Chinese serfs are currently constructing the offices. Each floor will feature a McDonalds outlet, which accepts only US dollars.
Meanwhile back in the USA hungry shoppers still flood Wal-Mart parking lots while their communities fall deeper into despair. Offers to sell US goods in the prospective Wal-Mart retail stores in China were not taken seriously since manufacturing has been shipped off to Latin America.
“For an American the one most unpatriotic act, short of offering aid and comfort to al Qaeda, is shopping at Wal-Mart,” said one consumer advocate. “This is not buying local…even if you live next door. Yet the same idiots that scream about the loss of American ideals and the weak economy shop there. They show up every day of the year wagging their crippled credit cards behind them.”
Economists are baffled by the move saying that burgeoning Hong Kong is a far better fit than is stoic Beijing.
“It sure can’t be the clean air,” said one embassy official. “We have no official position on the matter for fear of offending the Chinese.”
Unreliable sources over at the US State Department say lower level US Wal-Mart employees will be forced into reeducation camps or executed.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
POSTAL WORKERS ON SABBATICAL
(Washington) After a flurry of activity over the summer some 40,000 postal workers will journey to Peru for a much needed rest. While relaxing in the South American country the workers will study the behavior of Peruvian postal workers, a group which rarely succumbs to stress.
In many remote Peruvian mountain areas the mail is often weeks late and some packages never arrive at all, but no one seems to mind. In fact, most of the natives there deliver their own mail.
“People in the United States are spoiled,” said one organizer of the trip. “We could learn a lot by observing postal practices in South America.”
Feds apologize for illegal raid
(Tuba City, AZ) Treasury agents say they’re “awfully sorry” about a mindless raid on the Knights of Columbus Bingo Pavilion here. After arresting several hundred bingo enthusiasts, the intruders finally determined that no laws had been broken, released all prisoners and vacated the premises.
“What if something illegal had been going on?” spouted Special Agent Wanda Wanna. “One can never be sure with wide open reservation gambling running amuck.”
The feds had apparently mistaken Tuba City for Mesquite, Nevada from the air. According to the architects of the assault Mesquite had been the original target since it is located closer to a four-lane highway.
“I had one little combination to go and I would have won over fifteen bucks,” said Evelyn “Grandma” Sumpump, of nearby Cow Springs. “I plan to sue the government for that figure plus gas money for emotional duress.”
The feds plan a surprise raid on Mesquite and the diluted “sin city” of Las Vegas next Friday, unless it rains.
-Mel Toole
KNYK Radio on Air
A Real Slap in the Face
(Pea Green) KNYK FM Radio “24 Hours of Three Stooges” hit the airwaves this morning with a bang, presenting vocal productions of both The Woman Haters (1934) and Half Wits’ Holiday (1947), backed by a rogue format with snippets of news and commentary. The station name (pronounced nyuk or nayuck running the n and the y together) comes from a familiar one-syllable expression common to the character Curly (of the Stooges) who nailed down countless classic performances over his short-lived career.
Supported on stage by Larry and Moe, Curly’s antics covered the gamut from the curly shuffle to the popular pliers to the nose/fingers deep to the eye sockets routine. Although graphic in presentation the station’s operators feel that there is enough crazy audio in the films to pull off the project.
“We soitenly intend to make a profit and think there are enough people out there with nothing better to do than listen to the sounds of the Three Stooges,” said Shep Sheperdson, sales director. “Although the Stooges were never popular as a radio program, like Amos and Andy or Jack Benny we feel that their appeal reaches across medium lines as well as generational lines. Besides, commercial radio programming is far more annoying than round-the-clock Stooges episodes. If you don’t agree, smack me in the face with a pipe wrench or bop me on side of the head with a sledge hammer.”
Businesses wishing to advertise on KNYK will find a staff with a wealth of knowledge on not only the Stooges themselves, but on such often elusive subjects as gonzo hair styles for men, comedic violence and the trendy fashion common to the trio.
“Our presentations will not be canned or recreated,” said Sheperdson. “They will be exclusive pieces from the films themselves along with jingles, background music and of course the sound effects that made the movies so well loved. Hey Moe…Hey Moe…stick a claw hammer up my nose.”
Sheperdson thinks the station will have immediate benefits for younger listeners in that the adventures of the Stooges might show them a different way to view life.
“You don’t see these boys messing with drugs or questioning our government, do you?” asked Sheperdson. “They just go about the business of drilling each other with jackhammers as in My Sister Eileen (1942) and surviving in a harsh world that may not always understand them. What’s important is that they get up every day and embrace it all…the good…the bad…the ridiculous.”
We would now like to take ten seconds so that our readers can identify themselves. THIS IS KNYK RADIO – 24 HOURS OF THREE STOOGES!
– Melvin Toole
NEWS FROM 100 YEARS AGO
COWPUNCHER SIGNS FOR $95
Atrocious salary sends shock waves through the pasture
(Gunnison 1890) Brackey Toate started working on his father’s tiny ranch near Parlin in 1878. Little did he know he would be a wealthy man in less than ten years. Today he signed a lucrative multi-year contract for what amounts to $95 per month.
The free agent jumped ship in Baldwin last September to try his luck in the burgeoning market. The expansion of ranch land has left the industry with a diluted wrangler pool and seriously short of cowboys familiar with the round-up. Some ranchers have turned to other countries for manpower while the larger ones simply tighten their belts and pay the higher wages.
“This is outrageous!” said one pot-bellied rancher from Quartz Creek. Wild Bill Hickock only makes $150! This kind of money sets a dangerous precedent! Who will pay for these kinds of salaries? It’s the consumer.”
Beef prices have skyrocketed over the past year partly due to the competition for cowboys.
“We have to compete,” said Crystal Alripe, matriarch of the Yellow Tail Ranch near White Pine. “The boys and I can’t run the place on our own so we have to hire seasonal help at least. The cost has become prohibitive. I remember when a cowhand was happy to get a dollar a day and board,” she quipped. “Now they’re looking for the big dollars! Where will it all end?”
Toate’s contract includes incentives, health benefits, horse expenses, a clothing allowance and his own bunkhouse entrance. In addition he gets first crack at the dinner table and holidays off.
“This marks a new day in agriculture,” said Alripe. “The next thing you know the cows will want a piece of the action.”
Besides his daily chores on the ranch, Toate will train to compete in the National Western Stock Show Rodeo which opens in Denver in January. Fiscal wizards say that his performance there will determine future bonuses.
“This scandalous salary is only the beginning,” explains banker Tom Watchitt of Gunplay Bank and Trust in Vulcan. “Besides the income Toate is looking at endorsements, perks from special interests and investment opportunities that would choke a bull. If he plays it right he could be quite wealthy and look forward to an early retirement.”
Already Toate has been groomed as a spokesman for Cheeky Chew, a popular brand of chewing tobacco and may be featured on advertisements for the Million Dollar Boot Company of Ironton. According to close friends he plans to buy a spread near Ohio City and raise Herefords.
“It’s a whole new world that we live in,” continued Alripe, “one where a simple cowpuncher can make his fortune overnight and where others don’t seem to grasp the value of a dollar.”
Toate is expected to report to spring training in February after completing a conditioning program here. If all goes well he will start against the Longhorns on Opening Day.
– Slim “Fats” McGovern
WAL-MART TO EXECUTE DISLOYAL EMPLOYEES
(Montrose) The Wal-Mart Corporation announced today that it will get tough with insubordinate, mutinous employees who do not live and breathe the company’s philosophy. Starting in 2019 a slew public of executions have been slated for the store’s massive parking lot, located south of here.
The move, called radical by even the staunchest of Wal-Mart supporters, will take on an experimental flare and may lead to the adoption of similar measures at other locales. Employees in jeopardy are said to be those who resist tried and true corporate brain washing techniques and flirt with heresy concerning the divine rights of the discount giant.
“We don’t expect management personnel to be affected by these developments,” said a regional executive who once washed Sam Walton’s feet during a trip to South Korea in 1985. “The people are simply not team players.”
Others in line for the end include persons who hesitated when instructed to give part of their meager wages to charity.
“We love those pictures in the local papers where our employees make donations to good causes,” said the executive. “It makes us look good without costing us any money. I for one can’ believe people are so quick to buy this crap but that’s what makes this country what it is.”
The concept of public executions emerged with the proposed Wal-Mart Super Store, slated for construction next to the massive Mormon Church south of town. Company heads are concerned that negative publicity as to the construction will prevent the mass retailer from securing 100% of the trade in the region.
“We don’t want a fair market share,” smiled the executive. “We want it all. We want to turn the traditional downtown into a slum and ship all the profits out of town and our customers are helping us do just that. It’s really quite simple.”
Many residents of the area do not comprehend the damage done to a community when leeches like Wal-Mart latch on. Some even defend the noxious corporation since it creates jobs and convenience. They do not address the cost of to the quality of life and the impact on the social structure here.
The first executions, scheduled for dawn on January 15, will skirt the jurisdiction of several law enforcement agencies since they will be held on private property. Condemned persons will have their choice of firing squad, lethal injection or guillotine. Family members will be admitted free and commemorative photographs of the event will be available (at 20% off with charge card) in the store’s camera department. Accrued retirement benefits will revert back to the corporation’s stockholders at the time of passing. Everyone is invited!
“Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.”
– H.L. Menoken
Winker Convention in Town Next Week
(Sawpit) Over 2000 members of the International Brotherhood of Winkers will be arriving in Telluride Monday for a four-day stay. The Winkers, who have perfected over 350 types of distinct winking/eye gymnastics, are expected to have an extreme impact on sales of sunglasses and eye-drops here. Residents are reminded that this group spends quite freely and asked not to take their curious behavior seriously.
While in the region many leading Winker officials will conduct experiments as to the affects of bright light and premature darkness linked to the continued application of Daily Shavings Time. Local resident are encouraged to participate in a host of festivities sponsored by the group. All are free with the exception of the daily alcohol-fueled symposium held in Elks Park.
