High Speed Internet is Better Than Sex

“High speed internet – hands down – is better than sex!” says a recent survey released by the Knights of the Ribald. The survey is published in many sexually explicit publications proudly displayed behind retail counters so as to prevent them from falling in to the wrong hands. 

Those lucky enough to live in Fiber Paradise can download loads of sin, accompanying music, check e-mail, and have a cold beer – all at the same time in a matter of minutes.

According to one 34-year-old recently single woman, renting a Talibanesque cave for many bags of gold each month, “Who needs men!” she shouts with a beer between her legs at a Gunnison watering hole. “All I need is a good set of headphones, a six pack in the fridge, and I have the virtual world at the click of a vibrating plastic mouse.” 

“In fact, why am I even here in this bar during happy hour?” she further questioned. 

Lonely reporters report that wives and girlfriends are leaving their husbands and boyfriends with nice houses in the remote burbs surrounding Telluride, Gunnison and even Crested Butte for overpriced cable-ready apartments and run down trailers in Montrose and Grand Junction. “I left my boyfriend for high speed internet,” one Western State University grad reported. 

A not-so-desperate Crested Butte South housewife uses high speed internet to order female sex toys paid for by her husband’s credit card. “My only escape from my overbearing husband and kids is my office, my cat, my erotic glass-blown gizmo and illegally free downloaded music.” 

Even Western Slope mountain men are catching on. “The women don’t want me anyway,” shouts a drunk Colona cowboy who hasn’t been with a woman in years. All I need is a fast download of the latest Paris Hilton video and I’m good to go!” 

As he proceeds to get slapped by yet another woman who won’t give him the time of day, he throws down a shot of Hack Daniels and adds, “Once you’ve had high speed internet, you’ll never go back to regular dating.” 

“Foreplay took too long with dial-up,” one bald 60-something-year-old on Viagra reported from his Montrose double-wide. “I like my entertainment fast, easy and on the trashy side.” 

The survey pointed out that one in five visit porn sites at least twice daily in their homes while a third of those surveyed get their fix at work on the boss’ time. One Telluride construction worker living out of his river shuttle Toyota secretly enters the company office to look at the Makita Girl-of-the-month on-line. “She’s better than the real thing,” he whispers. 

-Bettie Rides

“Take a deep breath and don’t let it out.”

    – Simple advice on how to deal with stress by Karen and Babs