All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category
The abyss found…
Warning sign at Reserva Ochideas near Jardin, Colombia
ESTACIONAMIENTO LEVITACIONAL PREVISTO EN CRESTED BUTTE
(Gótico) En lugar de gastar dinero para mejorar los ascensores, Crested Butte Mountain Resort ha erigido varios hoteles nuevos en lo que era el único estacionamiento del área. ¿Suena tonto? Sigue leyendo.
Los funcionarios de la zona de esquí han contratado a Snow Guru International, una empresa de swamis independientes de la bonita parte de Calcuta, que afirman tener la capacidad de suspender con éxito vehículos automotores en el aire. Estos talentosos místicos irán a trabajar el fin de semana de Acción de Gracias y continuarán ejerciendo su extraño oficio hasta que la zona de esquí cierre en abril.
“Calculamos que hemos extendido nuestro límite máximo de ocupación a unos 500.000 automóviles por día, considerando el espacio de aire predeterminado y el deseo de que entre el sol”, dijo una fuente de marketing que pidió que no se la incluyera en esta historia por su nombre. “No sé cómo se aplica esto a los días de esquiador o si funcionará en los días de nieve polvo”.
La fuente luego admitió que no tenía idea de qué días de esquiador podrían ser, pero estaba bastante familiarizada con los días de nieve polvo.
Al otro lado de las montañas Elk, los directores de Aspen han estado realizando pruebas subterráneas con levitación y suspensión desde septiembre. No hablaron con nuestro reportero a pesar de muchas quejas. En Steamboat Springs, el exceso de vehículos y el equipaje de los esquiadores se guardarán en el puente James Brown Soul Center of the Universe y los esquiadores serán transportados a la ciudad en un barco atunero al aire libre.
¡Imagínese esquiando por Jokerville o Twister en Crested Butte y mirando su automóvil colgando sobre el resort recortado contra el cielo invernal! ¡Qué prisa!
“¡Mira mamá! ¡Es nuestro Explorer!”
Las tarifas de estacionamiento fluctuarán según el tamaño y el peso del vehículo, y los esquiadores de otros estados obtienen un descanso considerable cuando compran un paquete. Los viejos Volkswagen y las camionetas golpeadas no calificarán para el levantamiento ya que el área se preocupa por su imagen y “no busca saturar el horizonte con un montón de jalopies en descomposición”.
Además de los arreglos de estacionamiento, Snow Guru International espera proporcionar un abrigo y sombrero en el cajón superior, servicio de niñera, un lugar conveniente para objetos perdidos y encontrados y un salón de cócteles sexy para las personas que esperan que sus vehículos regresen a la tierra.
Hasta la fecha, solo ha habido unos pocos accidentes que involucraron reentrada y no muchas personas han resultado heridas por la caída de autos hasta la fecha. Uno de esos desastres se evitó por poco cuando una camioneta GMC de 3/4 de tonelada cayó inadvertidamente a través del techo de lo que una vez fue la cabaña Alpenhof, y se detuvo por completo en un baño de hombres algo desocupado.
El servicio está restringido a vehículos operados por personas con un pase de esquí válido. No se extenderá ningún descuento de AARP y se les pedirá a los conductores que conduzcan vehículos recreativos que dejen el mismo en Almont.
“Estamos muy entusiasmados con este concepto”, dijo el vendedor secreto antes mencionado. “Ahora muchos de los turistas tendrán algo más que mirar además de ellos mismos desfilando con su ropa de esquí todo el día. Demonios, algunos incluso podrían motivarse y hacer algunas carreras o al menos uno o dos viajes en ascensor “.
Los consejos de Crested Butte y Mt. Crested Butte han aprobado provisionalmente el plan, mientras que BOZO está firmemente en contra, y siempre ha estado firmemente en contra, disuadirse de las leyes de la naturaleza. Los conocedores sugieren que si los ejecutivos de CBMR solo se pintaran de un púrpura victoriano agridulce, todo estará bien en BOZO.
A pesar del apoyo inicial de otras agencias gubernamentales, se insta a los consumidores en privado a tomar Alpine Express o el autobús urbano hasta la montaña hasta que concluyan las pruebas adicionales.
-Alambre de púas
NFL may introduce prima donna clause
(Denver) The National Football League is proposing an amendment to existing rules that calls for voluntary policing of player attitudes on and off the field of play. Teams may be called upon to control emotional outbreaks and limit rosters to only one “problem child”.
If the situation does not correct itself, the NFL will impose mandatory restrictions which set minimum maturity levels for participants. Since the existing conflicts lie within the wide receiver position, the league has stepped in and in some cases provided counseling to offending players.
“Owners have put together a staff of former 1950s players, who earned only a couple hundred dollars per game, to help at risk players survive these dark days of fame and fortune. A focus on team, integrity and honor will be integrated before each kickoff and judgment, taste and self-control reinforced in the locker room after each game.
“We don’t need some hot shot trying to steal the show with is mouth,” said one counselor.
“The game has been hyped enough since many of us played. Today we see packs of trainers, cortisone shots and female analysts on the sidelines. When we played we were lucky to have a water boy, a shot of whiskey and a few broken down cheerleaders.”
Many players drafted by professional teams from the college ranks have not enjoyed the fruits of the American dream until signing a fat contract. The money goes to their head. The league is concerned that they have forgotten who pays the tab.
“I want to see these prima donna types out early at practice staying late in the weight room and signing autographs for the fans,” said one franchise spokesperson. You don’t see offensive lineman acting up. There’s no getting around it…Some of these guys are damn good but they need a non-flake personality to go with their talent. The great players have figured it out and generally have long, successful careers.”
The NFL will also undress the growing concern that players are often expendable and subject to life threatening injuries.
“We have found that players are more likely to suffer from dementia after countless hits and blows to the head,” said the owner. “The equipment is top-notch but after a few years the players are often worse for the wear.”
The source had no thoughts on why sports broadcasters were victimized by a similar malady. Stuck safely up in a press box, these talking heads rarely receive the sound beating they deserve, chatting mindlessly about the benefits of fundamentals, their brief playing days or the presence of a player’s mother in the stands.
“The careers of these young men are often short and must be spent on the right side of the ball,” said Rocky Flats, a Hall-of-Fame coach who now sells cars in Green Bay.
“A lot of these kids aren’t prepared to leave the street mentality behind but even a third-stinger can star for a prison team,” he said.
– Slim Tinkleholland
End of world already happened says scientist
(Ouray) A transcendental scientist here says the much-feared end of the world has already taken place and that what we see and experience now is simply a dream. Dr. Melrose Tinkleholland, BFD, LSMFT, former director of the Macro-Buddhist Study Institute on Red Mountain says the end came fifteen years ago but that everyone had been too busy to notice it.
“Today,” he asserted, “our entire spectrum is dependent on the generally Lilliputian human imagination to support cosmic flow created by the revolutions of other heavenly bodies.”
Tinkleholland, who catapulted to fame in early 1988, after proving that Elvis Presley was alive and living on the planet Neptune, is the former chair of the Department of Astrology and Sports Medicine at the prestigious Cal Amari Institute. Later he offered strong evidence that the earth was not only visited by extraterrestrials but that these space wanderers were particularly attracted to the cowboy culture in the Rockies.
“They still like to dress up like cowboys when given the chance,” said Tinkleholland. “Who wouldn’t?”
The professor claims to have photographic evidence of an alien visitor riding a bull at the 2018 Ouray Rodeo, held in Ridgway.
“He made it to the bell but swallowed his chew,” laughed Tinkleholland. “They sure don’t make ‘em like they used to.”
Restating his appraisal that our world is only a dream, the professor looked down his nose at assembled guests saying, “There’s really no reason to worry anymore. We might just s well have a good time.”
– Estelle Marmotbreath
Ancient Druids Revered Mistletoe Berries
(Connemara, Ireland) If you’ve ever wandered the woodlands of Ireland you couldn’t help but trip over the mistletoe. It grows everywhere. Surprisingly when all the other green is in hibernation the mistletoe plant continues to produce berries all winter long.
The Druid physician-priests held the berries dear for their medicinal benefits and very likely in prevention of conception. The berries contain high concentrations of progesterone (rhymes with testosterone) which stimulates the libido. We will paraphrase what may have happened next as theorized by Dr John Lee, author of Natural Progesterone – The Multiple Rolls of a Remarkable Hormone.
Here’s the scenario: For many centuries the Druids sponsored a winter solstice festival that, according to our calendar fell on December 22 or 23. The event, which lasted one week was meant to keep the sun from disappearing completely from the sky. (The pagans were uptight about things too – especially the sun god taking a powder). The celebration was held so that Spring would someday return and the world would not die. Katy, bar the door! Debts were paid, gifts exchanged and feasts presented. In addition a sacred concoction of hot mead laced with mistletoe berries was plentiful. What? No Guinness?
Once the party got started the influence of the warm alcohol and the progesterone helped everyone get quite relaxed, and get to know each other better.
Modern medicine recognizes the fact that menstrual shedding is the result of an abrupt fall of progesterone, which no doubt occurred after the week of Celtic carousing had ended. Therefore, any conception that took place during the week of unrestricted sex would be lost in the induced flow. Besides allowing participants access to primitive sexual license, the solstice party reinforced the perception that festive sex without subsequent responsibility was merely another gift from the gods. Simple enough.
With the start of the new year everything returned to normal. And you thought you’d been to some parties…Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah and Happy Solstice. Mistletoe berries and mead…
