All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category
Digital fly swatting discounted by judge
(Crested Butte) Claims by a former local newspaper that it can still be effective in the execution of bothersome flies were denied by a circuit judge here. The presiding magistrate, citing the fact that the newspaper is now a website and thus has no impact ratio or torque ruled that a computer is incapable successfully swatting flies.
She then concluded that sanjuanhorseshoe.com could be prosecuted for fraud in that it insisted it could squash flies with the deadliness and regularity of the former newspaper.
But rather than pursue the fraud conviction Judge Heather Barley declared a mistrial since not enough flies could be assembled to conduct a valid litmus test.
“It’s too cold for enough of them to be around now,” she said. “We will have to await until the new crop arrives in June to record sustainable data.”
Meanwhile the mysteries of cyber space remain out to lunch.
Despite what many see as temporary respite a growing number of readers have expressed frustration over these outrageous assertions and directives. Feeling duped or gullible after constant attempts to kill flies by osmosis or implied gravitational magic has left them wanting.
“I’m sticking to the printed version,” said one longtime fan of the paper. “I just read it over and over then start again at the beginning of the month. The paper isn’t worth much but I got no damn flies. I just love to watch those techie boobs wrapping their heads around a pile of soggy fish and chips…while balancing their GPS device on their laps.”
-Fred Zeppelin
“The USA, where one can still wrest an enthusiastic response just by opening a burger stand.”
-Melvin Bedwetter Toole, food wagon
Muchas regiones adoptan el estándar de calabacín
(Delta) Un número creciente de comunidades se han destetado del dólar y han adoptado el calabacín como moneda de curso legal, así como una medida de riqueza y bienestar.
A pesar de la fortaleza del dólar estadounidense, muchos estadounidenses, en su mayoría rurales, sienten que lo que pueden ver acumularse es una mejor medida de prosperidad que las tarjetas de crédito, un mísero papel moneda.
“Obtuvimos billetes verdes y cosas por el estilo con imágenes de hombres con pelucas o obtuvimos hermosas calabazas amarillas y verdes”, dijo un ex entusiasta de Nitwit Coin. “¿Cuál parece el más seguro?”
La fuente no hizo comentarios cuando se le preguntó acerca de los meses de invierno cuando el calabacín y la mayoría de las verduras frescas se secan por estas partes. Los cazadores y recolectores ya están trabajando arduamente enlatando y almacenando calabazas por temor a una “corrida en el banco” por parte de los habitantes de la ciudad.
Los rumores de una invasión de calabacines rebeldes en las cercanías de Rangel, Colorado, se han degradado simultáneamente a una perturbación tropical oficial y se han delegado como área de desastre federal. Los mandatos federales limitan estrictamente las migraciones de plantas como esta que superan las 25 millas de ancho.
“Ese parche de calabacín sediento es fácilmente el doble de ese tamaño”, continuó nuestra fuente, quien ahora se identificó como Hector Somebody, de Mack. Nos dijo que hordas de milicianos zucchini, llamados Zucchini Rangers debido a sus ridículos calcetines amarillos y dorados y sus rifles Squashkopf* bien engrasados, habían rodeado a los zucchini y cavado trincheras en la frontera estatal en preparación para una guerra de desgaste.
Otros secuestraron un camión de Bimbo Bread y lo condujeron a un lugar seguro momentos antes de ser engullidos por la calabaza serpenteante. Los remolques de tractores cercanos y un vehículo recreativo de 4000 pies no tuvieron tanta suerte.
“Estaban aquí un minuto y se fueron al siguiente”, dijo Alguien, como mi control de seguridad sociable.
*Carcano M 1938 carabina beretta – Fucile Armaguera a vosotros flatlanders
-Gabby Haze
Guilt Dumpsters Back
(Wimpton) 17 official guilt dumpsters will again grace convening points throughout Gunnison County this fall. Sponsored by Taylor Park Mental Health in the Rockies, the large trash cylinders are already in place in green, shady, nondescript, alternate locales.
Well employed by residents and visitors up here soon they will come to your town or sector.
The massive steel receptacles, hauled in all the way from Utah, are capable of handling everything from white lie misnomers to full out industrial mid-winter “ I can’t believe I did that” sins to naughty thoughts to that long ago regret that was never brought to closure.
“The last thing we need around these dumpsters is a lot of moralizing,” said Prez Pabste, vice president of Above Ground Compactions at Al’s Backhoe of Crested Butte, the firm that introduced the guilt dumpsters back in 1980. “Do you know the manpower required to move 20 cubic tons and this debris and bury it 20 feet deep?”
That, as Pabste claims, is the chore, the residue, the reality of half-baked ideas. Most agree the guilt dumpsters are therapeutic and self-enriching. They make us better neighbors. They allow for introspection and in some cases they wipe the slate clean. It is only when the contents are jiggled around that they approach toxic levels.
Many here have expressed concern over the brutality unprofessional collection of guilt and the failure of some to follow the basic rules of common sense and safety. For instance, dumpers are required to arrive with all drop guilt packaged in a hermetically sealed box (provided by the gov’ment with your tax returns) and undergo the dehumanizing effects of a hastily arranged precautionary spot-check operated by off-duty Transportive Sincerity Adaption (TSA) officers and their friends.
“This guilt shit is heavy duty,” continued a pear psychologist from Marble where the guilt dumpsters could land as early as Friday. “Schofield (Pass) doesn’t have the infrastructural methodology to conduct such a move,” said Dr. Efram “Carl” Pennywhistle, a fellow in Carbondale. “Look at the mess the bighorns leave each fall and they are pretty much self-contained.”
Already satellite businesses are springing up in the vicinity of the culpability canisters. Two counseling centers and liquor store plan a grand opening in September while St Roscoe’s Basilica is expected to participate in the expansion with mobile confessionals for those mired in the Bark Ages.
“It’s compunction, contrition and convolution!” exclaimed Pabste, elbowing his way back into the limelight of crisp dialogue. “There is no excuse for illegal dumping now!”
To locate your guilt dumpster/culpability canister consult your GPS or just stare into the mirror until the data appears. This will not provide a little schedule, addresses and hours due to security concerns. You may go on-line at www.callussomeothertime.com but then another federal agency will have your email information.
“Your attention on this matter is of the gravest uncertainty as consciousness gradually shifts into fifth gear.” stressed Pabste.
– Fred Zeppelin
“I’d love to spend a few hours standing here at the grill discussing the plight of the urban coyote but we’re out of lard and I have a a very drunk line cook to contend with.”
-Red to Muffy Hollandaise at Red’s Gravy Heaven, next to the Giant Turd Fossil RV Park zip line, Escucha al Monte.
Uncompahgre To Run South in November
(Portland, CO) In an attempt “to make the river safe for fish” the seceretive Department of the Exterior has approved a risky plan to completely flush the Uncompahgre River this fall. Environmentalists, concerned as to why there are no fish in the upper reaches of the river while there are surviving species even in the South Platte flood plain have petitioned for the project since 2010.
The flushing will run concurrently with street resurfacing in downtown Ouray so that everyone can be inconvenienced on an equal basis. Residents participating in the popular Save A Trout Program are asked to keep their charges home in a fish bowl until November.
“It should be quite the deal,” said project manager Ariel Buttman of Lakewood. “I’ve lived in Colorado all my life and I didn’t know this Ouray County place existed. There are no movie theaters, bowling alleys or It’s really nice but what do the people do in the winter?”
The flushing will cost an estimated $500,000 with any fiscal excess earmarked for the Ridgway By-Pass, scheduled to begin next May.
“If our plan is successful we should have clear, beautiful water by spring, you know…the kind they have on those Coors commercials.”
– Uncle Pahgre
That’s why they call it red, Fred
Red Mountain snapped from Brown Mountain in the San Juans
EXPIRATION DATES DISCOVERED ON CONGRESSIONAL BOTTOMS
(Washington UPS) Summer interns, desperately filing abandoned bills and tabled legislation in Senate chambers, have uncovered what look to be tiny, barely discernible serial numbers on the bottoms of elected officials. The codes look to contain dates that might well warn of termination, conclusion or closure of some sort.
“Are they are not meant to operate after these dates,” asked one innocently dressed Congressional page. “Is there a safety issue at play here? A health risk?”
As our reader can certainly comprehend many of the pseudo-royalty that inhabit that hollowed workplace are scared to death that they will lose their cushy, benefit-laced jobs. These entitled insiders have bogged down the governing body so that it no longer governs, it just twitches at the polls and spits across the aisle every so often to see if anyone is paying attention.
Unlike the warning dates displayed on grocery items and cleaning products there were no refrigeration or storage instructions on the “overdue” politicians. The number and letter combinations are often scribbled illegibly (almost as an after thought) along the lower extremities, especially under the arms and on the bottoms of the feet. Other dates coincide with the money switch which accepts but doesn’t always record the fiscal benefits that go with the position and personal gifts acquired from admirers and favor seekers.
Some of the coded data even access coin slots that allow a supporter to make a discreet campaign contribution on the run. Others feature a digital date that shows up like a scratch lottery ticket.
“These designations clearly indicate that many Congressmen have overstayed their welcomes,” continued the intern, who shied away from giving his name for fear of reprisals against his family. “It’s no wonder nothing is accomplished. It’s like parking a fleet of old wrecks all over the highway and then wondering why the traffic is backed up.
For centuries lobbyists has attempted to distract from the data by pasting bright labels on otherwise dull packages. Another clever ploy borrowed from the detergent and cereal box marketers: “New” is often employed to mask the same old…same old that follows these “honorable” dinosaurs along to the bank and broker.
And the march of a fragile and teetering contingent of incumbents doesn’t end there. Take the Supreme Court for instance: Clarence “Uncle” Thomas weighs in at 74 years and Samuel Alito Jr., at 72 . Isn’t it high time these people call it quits?
“All members of the judicial and legislative bodies will be examined by medical and tattoo experts just as soon as we are finished running the Congress across the coals,” said Jerry Fuaaa, a former wannabe Representative, turned election saboteur, from the state of Bliss.
“It is not only difficult to find the expiration dates under the long black robes of pomp and circumstance but I tell you they’er there,” he said, raising his voice to be heard over a group of school trip children in Washington to observe the gov’ment in action.
“The allegedly indicting labels are sometimes difficult to decipher even within well-healed, well lit and well-intentioned assemblies. We have discovered a throng of what might be expiration dates adjacent to the imposed morality button, but is often blurred,” according to Fuaaa.
“Term limits have bitten on us the posterior,” said the Bliss boneyard candidate, “It’s like welfare for the undeserving, security for the already wealthy. He then wandered off into further gilded thought – referencing the Spanish Inquisition, even though most of the historically challenged representatives in The House thought that was the name of an insurance company.
-Tommy Middlefinger
“I don’t really want to do anything, I just want to own.”
– Gen. Worthington Bulbous, Military Industrial Complex
