All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category

A WALKING TOUR OF NEVADA’S BROTHELS

by Uncle Pahgre

Despite the infringing moral overtones associated with houses of ill repute, even the most Puritan among us has to admit that the existence of such pleasure palaces is as much a part of Americana as Toyotas and the New York Yankees. (I hesitate to employ the time worn analogy to mom and apple pie here considering the topic). No matter if one is client or critic, the naked truth is that brothels are legal in almost every country on the planet and in Nevada.

In the Silver State, revenue derived from this ongoing recreational pursuit makes up more than 20% of the gross product with gambling, ranching (the same thing these days), and limited mining shoring up the rest. Lumped together under tourism, prostitution/gambling is the state’s most lucrative industry. Proximity to the theocratic Beehive State, while not planned or appreciated from the start, does little to threaten the continued success in these aforementioned arenas.

Although the actual tour herein is much more enjoyable by automobile, bicycle or even golf cart, it is still possible to visit each of the sites listed by walking. And, since the lust pilgrim must at least enter the brothel on foot, the title will remain. Besides that, the author, whose activities on this merry trek have never been documented, likes the sound of it.

We will start in northwest Nevada and work our way down in a smooth flowing motion to Las Vegas where, surprisingly enough, the flesh sport is outlawed, at least within the city limits.

OUR RATING SYSTEM: *****Excellent ****Damn Good. Prices vary and are estimated by the number of $ at the end of each critique.

– Verandas of Venus Located between Orovada and Winnemucca this cat house was first opened by Wileena Cranapple, a former British school teacher who grew tired of long hours on her feet and decided to opt for other parts of the human anatomy for financial survival. She was a great student of Greek and Roman mythology and decorated her pleasure abode with statues imported from Athens, Rome, San Francisco and New Orleans. Cranapple was the first madam to lease land from the Forest Service, in nearby Humboldt National Forest, in order to expand her circle of influence. Today ski areas do the same. One of the “leagues'” original player/coaches, Wileena passed on in her sleep in 1972 at the tender age of 107. ***** $$$. 

Traveling east on Interstate 80 the seeker is about to enter a sinful zone known locally as El Camino del Bagnio.

The Canary Crib – Just over Emigrant Pass at Carlin, this remodeled railroad depot serves as the town’s meeting place during the day and the town’s meeting place through the night. Although the Crib, as it is affectionately called, offers a generous local’s discount, most of the business is from out of town. Upon entering the main parlor the gentleman caller is welcomed by the drama of red. Red carpet, red curtains, red furniture, red wallpaper abound. The only thing that isn’t red is the money in his pocket. A massive Ponderosa pine Christmas tree accentuates the atmosphere in the dining room while the stairway is made of Serbian mahogany. Upstairs there are some 17 small rooms each one named for a tropical bird. Both the Pelican and the Peacock offer decks and room service. ***** $$. 

Exhausted from the nickel tour we head further east to downtown Elko, first founded as a construction camp for railroad workers in 1869.

The Gilded Lilly – Apart from the main fare the Gilded Lilly offers snooker, poker and an assortment of board games in its lavish drawing room. The drinks are stiff and reasonably priced while the food leaves much to be desired. (We suggest you grab a pastrami on rye across the street at Lupanar’s Shoshoni Deli instead). After a few moments the customer will notice that the entire building is lighted by candles. While one may think that is to cover for the lack of beauty present he will soon realize that it is only because the operator is too cheap to pay her electricity bill. Famous visitors to the Gilded Lilly include presidents, kings and television evangelists. This phenomenon is verified by the remarkable lack of names in the guest register. ***** $. 

We will now backtrack to a town aptly named Lovelock since a bus load of polygamists reportedly landed in Wells some years before.

The Poultry Nest – A short drive from Lovelock on state route 399 sits the Poultry Nest, a combination bawdy house/mining museum.  in a strict replica of the Nevada State Capitol, the Nest offers amenities far beyond the imagination of the average romantic enthusiast. An olympic swimming pool, a weight room, a wine cellar and a rooftop terrarium are just the beginning. Each bedroom has a phone and cable television for the long term visitor. All of the hostesses are fluent in several languages including English. Most are college educated since the John C. Freemont Junior College offers free tuition to qualifying coeds. Besides matches, other desired souvenirs of the Nest include postcards, T-shirts, ash trays, group photos and, for especially good customers, a Certificate of Merit signed by all of the employees.***** $$$$

Maddie’s House of Delight – Just a hop, skip and a jump from the state capital at Carson City is Maddie’s, a romping station that gained historical status in 1990. Services are named after Nevada’s mining heritage with the “Big Bonanza”, the “Comstock Lode” and the “Hoover Dam” among the most popular. Thermal water from nearby hot springs, often draws tired casino workers and a host of bright light celebrities more interested in getting clean than in getting dirty. This is not the spot for the novice as the price for one hour is about that of a new set of Ben Hogans. Inside tip: Try the patented nectarous eyeball massage. Native tungsten fixtures adorn the living area while the narrow hallways are done in a sort of subtle, nouveau-atomic weapons test site motif. ***** $$$$$$$$. 

Now we’ll head south toward Las Vegas and its infamous strip.

Deseret Dessert – Just south of Hawthorne on Nevada Route 359 over Lucky Boy Pass sits a culinary marvel. Began as an establishment like the rest, the Deseret soon became known for its food and not so much for its foolin around. Today the sporting house pays the rent at the dinner table offering a side of sin. Don’t miss the broiled lobster imported from Trepassey Bay or the Braised Salmon Almondine. For the more earthy tastes, the chicken fried steak is heavenly. Served with steamed okra and steamy, robust noodles, actually concocted by domicile courtesans on their day off, the fare is the best for 100 miles. The only other decent victuals are to be found at another less notable ranchito and fish fry dive, The Walker River House, over in Babbitt. (Editor’s note: Sadly, the Dixie Darlene’s at Austin was closed for remodeling at the time of our venture and could not be reviewed).***** $$$$$.  Now it’s on to Las Vegas!

Little Sheebah’s – Route 160 at Pahrump, Little Sheebah’s is perhaps Nevada’s oldest brothel having been established in 1931, about ten minutes after the state legislature passed a law allowing such stimulating activity. Began in a tent the enterprise grew and soon began a mobile service from a post-war, three-wheel, travel trailer. In 1965 Little Sheebah passed on leaving the business to her gay son, Red.

An All-U-Can-Eat Buffet features rare roast beef, carved by former pro boxer, Lester Holgrahm, who at a striking 290 effectively keeps the lid on the place.

Tip: Don’t go to Sheebah’s on three-day weekends or when the Japanese are holding a convention in nearby Las Vegas. Free mints. No pets. ***** $$$$.

—Notice to All Intergalactic Alien Craft—

It would be infinitely appreciated if all alien spacecraft wishing to observe, land/touch down on the earth this summer would pay particular attention to extremely dry conditions here. Drought, which may be an unknown entity where you come from, has reached epidemic proportions. As a result the discharge of heat, infra-red light, lasers, and an assortment of other technological application associated with ascent and descent may set the whole planet on fire! We appreciate your adherence to our burning ordinances as well and ask that you inform all crew members to smoke only in designated smoking areas and use spaceship ash trays. Also, we would appreciate it if you refrain from lighting fireworks, and hosting barbecues until further notice. And please see that your crew conserves water when possible (toilet flushing, bathing and even consumption, if you need it to survive). If you possess any information as to other approaches to dealing with this natural malady we would like to hear from you. Finally, if you or the members of your flight crew need further assistance on hotel bookings, jeeping information, topo maps or dinner reservations while visiting don’t hesitate to call the local chamber of commerce in your landing zone. Thank you.  

SEASONAL GUSTS SEE RETURN OF CUMBERSOME WIND NETS

(Montrose) An intricate system of wind nets will once again be employed east of town in an attempt to cut losses and aggravation caused by the elements here. The nets, designed by local engineers saw only limited success last spring but are expected to exercise a very positive influence this year.

Employing the basic science of fly tying, the tiny squares are capable of catching everything from Herefords to lottery tickets.

“We can expect to recover almost anything blown off course by the high winds,” said one engineer. “While we are highly concerned with currency, grocery lists and newspapers our biggest complaints so far have to do with the loss of cowboy hats.”

In response to the community the nets will be coated with a non-toxic sticky substance that will prevent cunning hats from escaping once caught. 

“There’s nothing quite so sad as to watch a full grown adult chase a new straw hat all the way to Gunnison in high winds,” said a source from city hall. “Our method is really quite simple, modeled after the spider’s web. Only this time the hat is the fly or visa versa.”

The net will be erected across highway 50 and stretch about 1/2 mile to each side. A backup multi-colored nylon rope maze, knotted and fine tuned by local navy veterans holding up wet fingers to determine wind direction and velocity, is expected to be in place by Friday. 

During normal business hours small access portals are to be employed so as to allow traffic regular access from 7 am to 7 pm. After that time only police, clerics and pizza delivery personnel will be allowed to penetrate the peremptory perimeter. During these dark hours teams of praetorian eunuchs will be patrolling the fringes of our strategic locales looking for rogue wind tunnels, wild asparagus and overflowed irrigation ditches.

Air travel to and from Montrose is not expected to be obstructed or improved during turbulent days. 

“It’s just another springtime in Montrose,” said 125-year-old driving instructor, Ernesto “Ernie” Rigarde. “Yep, if you don’t like the weather around these parts just wait a few months and it will change.”

Local media workhorses at TV station ZYX will present a special locally produced update this Saturday morning entitled “The Wind”. The program will feature a series of still life shots of the wind from 1900 to present. Filmed in conjunction with the Weather-Fishing-Canning Channel “The Wind” will be broadcast at an undisclosed location from a press bunker somewhere in the Bland Valley.

Critics say the presentation is quite appropriate what with this being an election year and all.

– Fred Zeppelin 

Yeti snapped in Almont Triangle

Second appearance in as many months

(Jack’s Chalet) Two local men say they have documented what is believed to be yet another yeti sighting south of here. Only this time the creature was captured on film.

In addition to a color photo the two, Melvin O’Toole of Cahone and Earl MacAdoo of Baldwin, claim they saw giant footprints, heard low growls and found bits of course hair stuck to aspen trees.

“It appears that this fellow was in a big hurry to go somewhere,” said O’Toole, a surveyor who was mapping the area for a massive condo development. “The foot prints were different than anything a bear could leave behind. For about an hour both Earl and I felt we were being watched, then we saw the creature break from his wooded redoubt and sprint across an adjacent snowfield.”

O’Toole says the yeti covered about 10 yards in no time at all. He believes the creature had been startled by their chainsaw or was simply late for an appointment in Gunnison.

The yeti, dba Bigfoot, aka The Abominable Snowman was thought to reside exclusively in the Himalayan Range near Mount Everest. Called metoh kangmi by Tibetan villagers the name yeti was given to it by Sherpa tribesmen in Nepal. The word most likely meant all-devouring creature. According to legend he is a hairy beast, with a large ape-like body and a face that resembles that of a cow. 

“That’s the guy,” said MacAdoo. Throw in a long neck and some big ears and you got him pegged.”

Neither man could verify that the monster’s arms reached the ground and didn’t think that it was actually walking erect.

“It was getting dark and our vision was limited,” said O’Toole. “He moved quite gracefully but still in silhouette form and lingering in the brush.”

Both men said they feared an attack due to the close proximity of the encounter. They add that the yeti never looked in their direction lending credence to a theory that he never saw them at all. 

“He could sure use a shower,” laughed O’Toole when the county’s 300 police officers showed up to investigate. County officers quickly sealed off the area while Gunnison city cops ran their sirens as a probing, territorial gesture.

The governors of Colorado, Utah, Wyoming, Kansas and New Mexico  are expected to visit the site Monday unless it rains.

Despite the inherent dangers of a missing link running around the woods, the mood is light here due to the arrival of spring. Already Alpine Express drivers have begun stopping in the hope that their charges might view more than eagles along the East River. Excursions into the back country have almost tripled since the sighting.

“It’s all very exiting,” said one Division of Wildlife officer. “It will be interesting to see the outcome and how it might affect our secret plans to reintroduce the Grizzly, the three-toed sloth and the Eurasian wild boar to Western Colorado.

Yetti captured on film in Gunnison County

Other reaction was mixed as sheep herders fear losses, realtors worry about the price of an acre, and biologists scurry around attempting to make sense out of the phenomenon.

Cynics question how the beast might have remained undetected for so long. Although dietary needs could easily be met there is little else for the yeti to do around here on cold winter nights. Even the movie theaters have shut down. They suggest that the footprints were merely enlarged due to exposure to the winter sun which they say melted them into wider forms. They add that the yeti would be more likely to hang out near the more posh resort areas of Aspen and Vail than near funky Crested Butte.

One benefit of the entire incident may be that while tromping about the Almont Triangle authorities have determined that the area is not a triangle at all but a hexagon. How this discovery will affect plans to build a green belt parking lot along Hypotenuse Creek is unclear at press time.

Due to this second coming, the two campers who claim to have seen the yeti last month are enjoying their day in the sun. According to one of them nobody believed us, not even our moms. Most said the creature was a bear, others insisted it was a second home owner from Taylor Canyon or a lost snowboarder.

– Estelle Marmotbreath

Commissars OK Irwin Feed Lot

Will supply quality beef for Aspen

(Crested Butte) Gunnison County has approved a low impact feedlot within the town of Irwin. The action comes as a bit of a surprise to residents there who once thought they had escaped the annoyances and aromas of the 21st Century.

“We’ve followed every county and state spec down to the nitty gritty, which of course is up to the cattle,” said Jack Sprat, a Brit, who came to the United States in 1994, a refugee from mad cow disease. “You want to talk about green belt? Do a soil test on the feedlot after just three months operation.”

The feedlot is classified low impact since it will be located exclusively near summer houses and host only a minimal, “but motivated” herd at first. In fact, Spratt’s kids will do most of the care-taking after school as part of a 4-H project.

“We expect to feed 200 -300 head in the beginning and expand to 5000 for the summer months. Spratt is currently negotiating with Irwin Lodge for grazing rights through the warmed months.

Most of the beef raised here will be shipped via Pearl Pass to glitzy Aspen where it will be transformed into high dollar, high cholesterol treats. Already several restaurants there have agreed to weighty contracts.

“We hope to conduct business without all the hype,” said Spratt. “We want to run a customer-friendly, caring facility that cows can be proud to call home. My kids don’t know about the real purpose here. They think the cattle are being raised for the circus. Not real smart, heh? When they are adults we’ll let them in on the action. Once they see the ledger sheet they’ll come around. 

“It’s amazing how money tempers morality, he smiled.

Meanwhile residents of Irwin have filed a complaint with the local authorities saying that the town is not zoned for this type of agriculture. They are threatening to boycott Crested Butte, Gunnison and Aspen if the plan is enacted.

“We have attended every last meeting on the subject,” said Spratt. “We even provided, at our own expense, the fertilizer for inquiring minds. What do they mean when they say Irwin is not zoned agriculture? Hell, everyone up there has at least three dogs and grows marijuana. That sounds pretty agriculture to me.”

– Fred Zeppelin

Vatican Denies Shift in Population Policy

(Roma) High ranking officials here vehemently deny that Pope Francis has broken ranks on the subject of birth control. Responding to accusations that the Pontiff liberally tossed condoms to the crowd while on a recent trip to Latin America, the Vatican argued that limited access from the Popemobile would make that impossible.

But it’s all over the internet.

The Popemobile, currently in the shop for repairs in Mexico City was not available for examination. The usually infallible vehicle hauls the Pope around in a high security, transparent bubble so that the poverty stricken masses can view the alleged heir of St. Peter up close and personal.

In an official announcement a Vatican spokesman said, “The Pontiff didn’t throw anything out of the Popemobile due to a severe injury suffered during a meeting with Fidel Castro years ago.”

According to inside sources the Pope and the deceased Cuban dictator, although separated by mounds of philosophical red tape, came together over their mutual love of baseball. One eye-witness confirmed reports that the Pope tore a rotator cup during a pickup game of catch in the courtyard at Columbus Cathedral. The injury prevented him from taking part in an exhibition game in Managua (Nicaragua) the following day.

“He’s a natural catcher although his knees are shot,” said the source. “He had an almost magical way with Fidel, (a former pitcher) and we hear he swings a mean stick.”

Getting back to the subject at hand the saint-happy Pope then concluded his visit in Guatemala by canonizing a Mayan taxi driver from Totonicapan. The driver, Juan Nomoore, disappeared while in police custody in 1991. He is said to be representative of the thousands of Mayans who lost their lives during a bloody 30-year civil war that was put on the back burner in 1996.

The new saint, technically Blessed until all precincts are in, replaces the legendary Maximon as patron saint of population control. Maximon has moved on to represent the coffee in lobby in Antigua.

The population of Catholic Guatemala is expected to double by the year 2035.

– Kashmir Horseshoe