All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category

Colorado pot plants doing “exceptionally well” in Turkish Contest

(Istanbul) It’s the talk in bazaars from Baghdad to Basra and whispered in caravans all along the Old Silk Road.

Colorado cannabis plants have all but swept this year’s Anatolia Hemp Competition held in the shadow of the Blue Mosque in this crossroads Eurasian metropolis.

It could be easily argued that the marijuana  “made in the Rockies” was far and above the best, finishing in four of five organic categories: Natural and Homeopathic, Hydroponics, Rain gutter technology (encompassing thermal) and Freestyle Cultivation. The final effort concluded with a sixth place finish in the cutting edge Salient Precipitates and Underground production class, a spaced age procedure deemed illegal in many Western countries due to the occasional use of human sacrifice.

Coming away with 16 gold medals and one bronze the Colorado Agricultural Dream Team dominated the heavily juried event. Istanbul, brandishing its long and curious romance with hash consumption seemed the perfect venue with warm days and crisp evenings, delicious cuisine and ancient history out every door. Although old rivalries emerged the event came off without the petty jealousies and ethnic miscalculations that have plagued Asia Minor in recent years.

Finishing well in the overall competition were Spain: 4 Gold, 9 Silver, 3 Bronze; Pakistan: 2 Gold, 5 Silver, 6 Bronze: Cinderella entry Paraguay: 2 Gold, 10 Silver and 9 Bronze,  Mauritania: 1 Gold, 3 Silver and 2 Bronze and of course host country Turkey which brought home 6 Gold and 4 Silver medals.

According the the judge’s panel the five human senses pretty much determine prizes. Taste, smell and size/beauty are joined by the embrace of  peace and sense of well being. The sense of touch is measured by pheromone – respiratory response and by distinct body rush quotients. The fabled 6th Sense whether surreal, telepathic, or simply intuitive comes into play to break a tie or adding replacement players toward the end of botanical soirees when the spiked dessert squares have all disappeared.

Due to local customs and law no inhalation, combustion, incineration or consumption of the pistillate hemp plant was endorsed or encouraged by the Anatolia Hemp Society.

One proxy award was presented to Turkey in the category of Growing Schemes, for the use of alpine marmot scat in its trademark black buckets donning the white crescent on red background flag of the secular, parliamentary republic. 268,000 entries were recorded by the organizers.

Some of the American product awarded  top ratings (Gold Medals) are Rocky Flats Big Boy, Nucla-Naturita Knuckles (Twin Cities Twinkie), Paonia Red Eyed Purple Monster, Uncompahgre Rollover, Celestial Tidings, Andalucian Sans Sevilla, and Albuquerque-Ignacio Instant Dumb.

Honorable mention includes Minca Finca, Miss Polly Pinon, Happy Dewpoint, Maui Vacation (Gold) , Infra-ridiculous, Cloudy Oaxaca, Aspen Barking Bud (Gold) , San Luis Habla de Misma, Glenwood Knock Me Down, Green Oz, Poudre Canyon Skunk, and Taylor Park Breakfast Weed (Bronze).

The last event of the contest centers on cooking with marijuana with over 25,000 registered hemp chefs showing their stuff, not just in the culinary sense but in the field of medicinal breakthroughs as well.

Many feel that this overwhelming victory could open the door to federal aid for hemp growers, once  hush-hush legislation that is gaining support in the Senate and strangely enough momentum in House.

“Puritans have historically put money before personal morals and perceived integrity,” said one proponent for aid to hempsmen. “They’ll come around sooner or later.”

– Gabby Haze

Quiet Observations

Martian Travel Benefit: Apollo National Park on the Moon

With the establishment of the new Apollo National Park on the Moon it should be easier to travel to Mars according to Jetpack Carriers, a pioneer transport service specializing in all-inclusive cosmic ventures into the great beyond. Jetpack, which will begin full service flights to Mars in November, says the preliminary taming of the lunar orbit satellite, will give travelers a host of options when cruising outer space.

“The trip to Mars can be exhausting and tremendously tedious if a person is not prepared for the experience. The opening of a National Park on the moon offers a safety net or failsafe where people can get out of the shuttle, stretch their legs and have a look around.”

The round-trip cost for the journey starts at $1.3 million, which includes chemical meals in clever packaging and in-flight films. Interest in one-way trips has spiked recently with many potential passengers eager to “get off the grid and rid themselves of the stress of earth-bound routines” according to Jetpack.

Kim Jong-un Having Trouble Getting Dates

(Pyongyang) Korean news sources intimate that Dear Leader, Kim Jong-un has been experiencing a downturn in his social life after ordering the execution of a former girlfriend, Hyon Song-wol, a well-known Korean performer with the Unhasu Orchestra. Hyon, who was accused of breaking domestic pornography laws, was the victim of a firing squad that took an estimated dozen lives. Most of the others killed were members of the Wanghaesan Light Music Band.

Whether Kim will rebound from his social snafu was not discussed however many here say he will be back on the dating trail by the weekend. Many potential partners are afraid to say no to the Korean dictator and don’t dare answer the phone. Others reportedly dream of a date so as to get a decent meal in the starving country. The sources did not dwell on the leader’s charms, calling him “quite a catch” even though he is currently married to Ri Sol-ju, who had objected to the high profile of the ex-girlfriend.

“It is not known if these murders will undermine the dapper god-king’s efforts to woo the women of North Korea,” said one South Korean mouthpiece, “but it certainly can’t help come Saturday night.”

Many Zombies Sticking Around After Film

(Montrose) An alarming number of zombies and assorted extras say they are planning to relocate to Montrose after a positive experience filming the movie “I Am Alone” in the Western Colorado city. Of the 50 or so zombies taking part in the filming most told The Horseshoe that they hope to stay here.

“It all comes down to jobs and there aren’t all that many good ones to be had,” said one of the Walking Dead, sipping a zombie downtown yesterday. “Sometimes quality of life is more important than money and we have a powerful support group quickly forming in these environs.

Zombies, thought to be corpses brought back to life by witchcraft, generally led productive lives and often blend in with the local population. Many are attracted to the shadows of the urban arena yet others prefer the wide-open spaces.

The city of Montrose, in keeping with bullying practices toward small business within its confines, has announced that it will hire 200 more police officers to head-off disturbances. Readers may recall an upsurge in the zombie population in Delta after Attack of the Vegan Zombies was shot there in 1997. After marked concern on the part of authorities there it became apparent that zombies and regular humans could co-exist even though compatibility was in question when the days grew shorter.

– Jack Spratt 

Starter Colonies Anticipated in Cyberspace

(Hotchkiss) Scientists attached to the Roger’s Mesa Alien Study Institute at Lazear say they expect starter colonies in cyberspace by 2010. Crowded conditions and the lack of farmland on earth were cited as the major reason for human relocation to the otherwise uncharted terrain.

At present, research indicates that cyberspace is ready to support inhabitants and sustain life forms such as animals and plants.

“Most of us fall into one of those categories,” laughed Dr. Laura Borealis, Director of the Institute that was established to counsel dogs and monkeys sent into outer space in the 50s.

According to a host of filed reports cyberspace is endless enough since asphalt, tacky subdivisions and mindless sprawl, are still illegal within those environs. Although oxygen levels fluctuate and gravitational concerns have yet to be undressed, the scientists have given a firm thumbs up to the more than 200 potential homesteaders who have applied for high speed trip permits and thousands of dotcom caches up to 80 acres.

“Cyberspace pioneers may feel like a one-eyed cat in a henhouse or even a dog on three legs right now,” said Borealis, “but they are a resilient group in search of a better life for their children where clean air and water are the rule and all is in sync with nature. Sure, things are mellow around here but that is not the case on most of the planet.”

Conflicts with the Hotchkiss National Fish Hatchery have been blown out of proportion, according to the director who emphasized that there is a place for trout, as well as kokanee salmon in cyberspace. Principles at the hatchery have repeatedly accused the alien study institute of mollycoddling recovering space travelers and secretly housing refugees from Aspen.

“I’ve pretty much had it up to the gills with these fishwits,” winked Borealis. We have always been careful not to muddy the water or observe the trout during intimate spawning moments. Any moron can tell you that mixing trout with the aliens, galaxy-challenged chimps, stressed out doggie astronauts and even our technicians is bad medicine.”

Borealis added that the fish hatchery people were simply jealous in that they are not allowed to send clients into space.

In a related development, NASA is calling agricultural experiments on the Martian surface “a dismal failure” in that tomatoes grown and picked green there before shipment to markets on earth taste like plastic.

“Even though they are all shined up and look exactly like tomatoes they taste like cardboard,” said one genetically altered NASA investigator. “They just ain’t maters.”

– Suzie Compost  

SNAFU SENDS ALIENS TO YELLOWSTONE, WOLVES SOUTH

Mexico City by morning?

(Jackson WY) Many illegal aliens have found themselves deep in Yellowstone Park this morning while hundreds of Canadian wolves are waking up in Mexico. The entire nightmare has been blamed on a computer malfunction at the highest levels of the federal government.

The situation was precipitated due to simultaneous implementation of two long sought programs. The first called for a more aggressive approach to deal with people crossing the border illegally; the second favored a relocation of wolves into natural habitats in Yellowstone and parts of Idaho and Western Montana.

The deportation was to be supervised by the Department of Immigration and the wolf drop by the Department of the Interior. Legislative wires apparently became crossed, even in the primary stages of execution according to one bureaucrat or another.

“People are always quick to point at the government when an embarrassment like this occurs,” said Melvin Toolini, now acting coordinator of both events. Readers may remember Toole, a former White House aide under Bill Clinton, who was abruptly fired in 1989 after he was identified as “the troublemaker” who had once called Hillary Clinton “Thunder Thighs” back in grade school.

Toolini now finds himself in the precarious position as standing liaison between the two aforementioned agencies.

“The confusion resulted from the two cumbersome bureaucracies being housed in the same building, sharing the same computer system, bathrooms and elevators,” explained a shaken Toolini at a press conference on the matter this afternoon.

“And I’d like to say more at this time,” he teased, “but they’ve got a killer glazed meatloaf on special today at the Congressional dining room and I want to get over there before they run out.”

One reliable source confirmed fears that neither Toolini nor anyone else remotely attached to the snafu had any idea how the data became submerged or what to do about it. She then added that the meatloaf was not actually glazed but rather browned in butter before roasting.

“It doesn’t matter who’s to blame,” winced the source. “What is important now is correcting the mess before it further blows up in out faces.”

As of yesterday evening some 500 illegal aliens have been tranquilized and relocated to Yellowstone while as many as 250 wolves have been deported by bus to points south. According to the same source this does not include a crew of grey wolves that were picked up in a poorly constructed raft in the straights of Florida Tuesday. Whether these survivors will end up in Wyoming, Mexico or back in Cuba is anyone’s guess.

“It was only a matter of time before the gov’ment’s feet and paper shuffling caught up with them,” said a former immigrant rights advocate and animal lover. “When you insist on everything in triplicate you’re heading for trouble. It’s all particularly sad considering neither group wanted to go anywhere in the first place. The Latinos are here simply to survive and the wolves are here because they are part of the ecosystem.”

Meanwhile ranchers in the affected region were slow to respond to federal inquiries regarding the feasibility of illegals being shipped to their state on a permanent basis.

“Illegal aliens don’t generally attack livestock unless provoked,” said one Pinedale rancher, “but then, according to the urban experts neither do wolves. Those sheep can be nasty but we feel someone should read the fine print on the NAFTA Treaty before making anymore sudden moves.” – Warren of Wexley

Politician Born with Two Faces?

(Wahoo Corner) Exhibit photos, presented in a birth certificate tribunal today suggest that  sitting Wyoming Congressman,  Petro “Red” Meat, was born two-faced. The pictures, many of which were taken at the birth and during adolescence indicate the presence of two completely developed mugs. Physiognomists testifying before the court agreed that not only did Meat possess two faces but that both were less than attractive.

“He looks to have faces reminiscent of of Lyndon B Johnson and Dick Cheney, which, frightening enough on paper, is nightmarish in person,” said one expert.

Meat, who was indicted in 2012 for his part in covering up the disastrous impact of oil exploration in the Equality State, donned a Jackson Pollock mask (Pollock was born in Cody) and sat quietly as the judge listened to the latest testimony.

“All one has to do is drive through what used to be beautiful country up around Pinedale and look for himself,” said a prosecutor. “One does’t need four eyes to view the complete disregard for the environment by oil bosses”

Attorneys for Meat repeatedly insisted that their client had not shared in the spoils when Wyoming accepted thirty (or was it forty) silver coins for rights to fossil fuels in the economically hard pressed locale.

If convicted Meat will serve two separate sentences on top of prior prison terms handed down by a Gillette judge last August.

Camping shot

The difference between a good camp and a great camp is sleeping inside the tent.