All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category
Starter Colonies Anticipated in Cyberspace
(Hotchkiss) Scientists attached to the Roger’s Mesa Alien Study Institute at Lazear say they expect starter colonies in cyberspace by 2010. Crowded conditions and the lack of farmland on earth were cited as the major reason for human relocation to the otherwise uncharted terrain.
At present, research indicates that cyberspace is ready to support inhabitants and sustain life forms such as animals and plants.
“Most of us fall into one of those categories,” laughed Dr. Laura Borealis, Director of the Institute that was established to counsel dogs and monkeys sent into outer space in the 50s.
According to a host of filed reports cyberspace is endless enough since asphalt, tacky subdivisions and mindless sprawl, are still illegal within those environs. Although oxygen levels fluctuate and gravitational concerns have yet to be undressed, the scientists have given a firm thumbs up to the more than 200 potential homesteaders who have applied for high speed trip permits and thousands of dotcom caches up to 80 acres.
“Cyberspace pioneers may feel like a one-eyed cat in a henhouse or even a dog on three legs right now,” said Borealis, “but they are a resilient group in search of a better life for their children where clean air and water are the rule and all is in sync with nature. Sure, things are mellow around here but that is not the case on most of the planet.”
Conflicts with the Hotchkiss National Fish Hatchery have been blown out of proportion, according to the director who emphasized that there is a place for trout, as well as kokanee salmon in cyberspace. Principles at the hatchery have repeatedly accused the alien study institute of mollycoddling recovering space travelers and secretly housing refugees from Aspen.
“I’ve pretty much had it up to the gills with these fishwits,” winked Borealis. We have always been careful not to muddy the water or observe the trout during intimate spawning moments. Any moron can tell you that mixing trout with the aliens, galaxy-challenged chimps, stressed out doggie astronauts and even our technicians is bad medicine.”
Borealis added that the fish hatchery people were simply jealous in that they are not allowed to send clients into space.
In a related development, NASA is calling agricultural experiments on the Martian surface “a dismal failure” in that tomatoes grown and picked green there before shipment to markets on earth taste like plastic.
“Even though they are all shined up and look exactly like tomatoes they taste like cardboard,” said one genetically altered NASA investigator. “They just ain’t maters.”
– Suzie Compost
SNAFU SENDS ALIENS TO YELLOWSTONE, WOLVES SOUTH
Mexico City by morning?
(Jackson WY) Many illegal aliens have found themselves deep in Yellowstone Park this morning while hundreds of Canadian wolves are waking up in Mexico. The entire nightmare has been blamed on a computer malfunction at the highest levels of the federal government.
The situation was precipitated due to simultaneous implementation of two long sought programs. The first called for a more aggressive approach to deal with people crossing the border illegally; the second favored a relocation of wolves into natural habitats in Yellowstone and parts of Idaho and Western Montana.
The deportation was to be supervised by the Department of Immigration and the wolf drop by the Department of the Interior. Legislative wires apparently became crossed, even in the primary stages of execution according to one bureaucrat or another.
“People are always quick to point at the government when an embarrassment like this occurs,” said Melvin Toolini, now acting coordinator of both events. Readers may remember Toole, a former White House aide under Bill Clinton, who was abruptly fired in 1989 after he was identified as “the troublemaker” who had once called Hillary Clinton “Thunder Thighs” back in grade school.
Toolini now finds himself in the precarious position as standing liaison between the two aforementioned agencies.
“The confusion resulted from the two cumbersome bureaucracies being housed in the same building, sharing the same computer system, bathrooms and elevators,” explained a shaken Toolini at a press conference on the matter this afternoon.
“And I’d like to say more at this time,” he teased, “but they’ve got a killer glazed meatloaf on special today at the Congressional dining room and I want to get over there before they run out.”
One reliable source confirmed fears that neither Toolini nor anyone else remotely attached to the snafu had any idea how the data became submerged or what to do about it. She then added that the meatloaf was not actually glazed but rather browned in butter before roasting.
“It doesn’t matter who’s to blame,” winced the source. “What is important now is correcting the mess before it further blows up in out faces.”
As of yesterday evening some 500 illegal aliens have been tranquilized and relocated to Yellowstone while as many as 250 wolves have been deported by bus to points south. According to the same source this does not include a crew of grey wolves that were picked up in a poorly constructed raft in the straights of Florida Tuesday. Whether these survivors will end up in Wyoming, Mexico or back in Cuba is anyone’s guess.
“It was only a matter of time before the gov’ment’s feet and paper shuffling caught up with them,” said a former immigrant rights advocate and animal lover. “When you insist on everything in triplicate you’re heading for trouble. It’s all particularly sad considering neither group wanted to go anywhere in the first place. The Latinos are here simply to survive and the wolves are here because they are part of the ecosystem.”
Meanwhile ranchers in the affected region were slow to respond to federal inquiries regarding the feasibility of illegals being shipped to their state on a permanent basis.
“Illegal aliens don’t generally attack livestock unless provoked,” said one Pinedale rancher, “but then, according to the urban experts neither do wolves. Those sheep can be nasty but we feel someone should read the fine print on the NAFTA Treaty before making anymore sudden moves.” – Warren of Wexley
Politician Born with Two Faces?
(Wahoo Corner) Exhibit photos, presented in a birth certificate tribunal today suggest that sitting Wyoming Congressman, Petro “Red” Meat, was born two-faced. The pictures, many of which were taken at the birth and during adolescence indicate the presence of two completely developed mugs. Physiognomists testifying before the court agreed that not only did Meat possess two faces but that both were less than attractive.
“He looks to have faces reminiscent of of Lyndon B Johnson and Dick Cheney, which, frightening enough on paper, is nightmarish in person,” said one expert.
Meat, who was indicted in 2012 for his part in covering up the disastrous impact of oil exploration in the Equality State, donned a Jackson Pollock mask (Pollock was born in Cody) and sat quietly as the judge listened to the latest testimony.
“All one has to do is drive through what used to be beautiful country up around Pinedale and look for himself,” said a prosecutor. “One does’t need four eyes to view the complete disregard for the environment by oil bosses”
Attorneys for Meat repeatedly insisted that their client had not shared in the spoils when Wyoming accepted thirty (or was it forty) silver coins for rights to fossil fuels in the economically hard pressed locale.
If convicted Meat will serve two separate sentences on top of prior prison terms handed down by a Gillette judge last August.
Camping shot
The difference between a good camp and a great camp is sleeping inside the tent.
WORLD WAR I STARTED ON POOL TABLE
(Strasbourg) Some historians blame all the shooting on the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand by Serbs in Sarajevo. Others point to the Zabern Affair in the Alsace-Lorraine, which infuriated hawks in both France and Germany. Still other social scientists insist that the massacre began due to a longtime feud between royal cousins with massive armies at their disposal. This is all poppycock. World War I was ignited by a simple game of pool.
Although little has been written and even less documented with regards to this fascinating theory, this shall in no way detour us in our quest for the final truth. What we have already found out might put the more stodgy of historians into a tizzy, or worse.
Our flight to Stuttgart was uneventful and the entire entourage felt lightheaded as we deplaned amid yet another month-long harvest festival. We drove to the French frontier, stopping once to check metric tire pressure and once to freshen up.
According to locals interviewed in the German village of Lahr, in the Black Forest, the leaders of nine European countries met here in secret in January of 1914 in an attempt to iron out difficulties and avert a mortal conflict. While most of our sources are only descendants of actual eyewitnesses, they seemed honest enough and we decided to take their recollections to the bank.
After a week of cross examination we found that villagers from Rastatt to Schaffhausen were in agreement as to how that meeting went down. Most have claimed to have at least a shirt-tail relative in attendance at that Strasbourg pool hall on the night in question.
Anyway, it appears that Lloyd George arrived first, ordered a Watneys and sat in the corner, that, being the British thing to do. He was fortuitously joined by Hungarian Premier Count Tisza, who brought along his own cue stick. Soon Prussian boss Otto von Bismark, Austrian Premier Count Carl Sturgkh, Chief-of-Staff Paul von Hindenburg and King Constantine of Greece made their way through the door. Then Bismark bought a round for the house, much to the enjoyment of the curious assemblage.
Georges Clemenceau and Henri Petain were next to show up, fashionably late, yet somewhat miffed that they had missed a rare round purchased by the frugal German clique. Then, with a flair that only the Russian could muster, Czar Nicholas emerged from his royal Cossack coach, driven by miniature horses and a host of gelded Bolsheviks, captured outside the Winter Palace in St. Petersburg over the holidays. Accompanying him was his wife, Alexandra, who quickly grew bored with the mileau and beat feet for Lahr’s strip of trendy boutiques in search of cuckoo clocks and bittersweet German chocolates.
Soon everyone was seated with the noted exception of President Woodrow “League of Nations” Wilson and his military attache, General John “Black Jack” Pershing. Somehow, during the delay Count Tisza challenged Bismark to a friendly game of pool, which he won handily, running the table before the proud Bismark could even choose a stick. Bismark frowned and sat down, furious at his predicament. Several other players entered the foray at this juncture with Lloyd George soundly whipping Georges Clemenceau and Czar Nicholas destroying a brave eleventh hour bid by King Constantine.
Then, just as the tardy Americans passed through the back door something snapped. Bismark, still peeved over his loss to the Hungarian, claimed that he had put a quarter up on the table immediately following his defeat. Petain insisted that it was his quarter and told Bismark to sit back down and drink his beer. His tone was confrontational at best and Bismark blew up. He charged the smaller Frenchman, punching him about the head and torso. It took three men to pull the two apart.
The Americans, who most locals feel precipitated the fracas by their less than prompt advent, attempted to negotiate a peace but it was not meant to be.
Bismark called Tisza “an upstart, a roturier, a gypsy!” Tisza responded by accusing Bismark of “grandstanding” and added that his King Charles Spaniel was “grossly overweight, even fat!” This brought a chorus of laughter from the French and British contingents who were now ordering Long Island Ice Teas by the pitcher and spoiling for a fight. It appears that it was at this point that the alliances surfaced which would ultimately lead to a world war.
Both Bismark and Tisza glared angrily into the Anglo-Franco peanut gallery hanging onto the bar. Harsh words were exchanged for now it appeared that the Prussian and the Hungarian had buried the hatchet and were more offended by the ridicule now heaped upon them than by the bad blood that had only moments before passed between them.
Another swinging match ensued, this time with Czar Nicholas and von Hindenburg jumping in. Before it was ended Lloyd George was blind sided by a Hupmobile tire iron and most of the decorative glass in the place was shattered. Count Sturgkh suffered a slight concussion after a collision with a brass serving tray while Petain lost a tooth and retreated, as would become his mode of operation, into the nearest broom closet to await the outcome.
The police arrived at about ten and arrested everyone who had the bad judgment to remain on the scene. Most were subsequently bailed out of Lahr Municipal Jail by Alexandra, who had only recently returned from her shopping trip. The combatants were then told to get out of town on the next train. Damages were paid by President Wilson, setting a dangerous precedent which would not be fully understood until the end of the century.
Meanwhile, for most of the civilized world this sad episode dictated what was to come in Europe as the leaders of the world’s greatest nations chose to sacrifice millions of lives rather than swallow their pride over a simple game of pool.
Local Border Collie Bound for Cambridge
Rusty moments after accepting the
Campbell Scholarship in Cork Friday
(Ridgway) A very intelligent border collie named Rusty has been awarded the prestigious (Leonard) Campbell Fellowship for study at Cambridge University near London. The grant/scholarship pays for every facet of the canine’s education including housing, food and materials with a monthly stipend of $600 for travel on the European continent. He is also recipient of the Phi Dog Phi Award for academic excellence and the Pavlov Prize for athleticism.
Rusty’s field of study/expertise will be Psycho-Primal Anthropology with emphasis on The Human Food Chain.
Although exhibiting some mixed feelings about leaving his fine life on the Haywire Ranch at Cow Creek, Rusty has accepted the offer to study abroad. He will finish the curriculum in three years and spend summers in Colorado. Upon graduation his options most likely run from a professorship to clinical research to herding livestock.
“He’s smarter than anyone in our family,” said Jed Pinwheel, Rusty’s sponsor and father figure. “That dog new how to count all of the chickens before and after they hatched. His hunger for knowledge put him paws and tails above the rest of the cow dogs around here. He was focused. That boy was always focused.”
Rusty, a eunuch in his own right, is not the first four-legged creature to attend Cambridge. A common British house cat, named Criseyde, with an IQ off the charts studied here in the 60s only to withdraw from classes due to an unexpected pregnancy. She currently lives in Cleveland.
Meanwhile back at the ranch cowboys scurry to find a replacement for Rusty.
“It will take three dogs to do the work of this guy,” said Colona Slim, a 112-year-old wrangler who’s still in the saddle. “Just as soon as he got them sheep or cows in a circle he’s commence to sticking his nose into a book. Smart sombitch.”
A going away party has been scheduled for Tuesday at Trail Town Distillery. No children please.
Dag Katz
