All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category

Pray Away the Gray Plays to Mixed Reviews

(Olathe) A winter revival dubbed Pray Away the Gray  opened  to a smaller than expected audience Friday as clergy from several strip mall cults administered to the imagined needs of the elderly and the fears of the prematurely gray in the community.

This approach to changing pigmentation, seen as an abnormal behavior by these leading reverends, leans on direct supplication and petition coupled with tithing and compliance as defined by the men behind the pulpit.

“People with gray hair are sinners and must seek salvation as blondes or brunettes,” explained Rev. Phillip Pharisee, coordinating executive of the emerging institution. “If we get enough people thinking the same way it might be surprising what might happen.”

Already several of the faithful in nearby Montrose claim to have shed their gray hair after attending just three or more sessions.

“I was more than happy to pay the $200 to look younger,”said one man.

Scientists say the melanogenetic clock, rather than morality, is responsible for the hair follicles turning white or gray. They blame the state of gray on genetics and environment. Unfortunately, they add, the only way to restore hair color is with dyes and chemicals.

“The concept of begging for divine intercession is selfish and stupid” said one scientist. “Do these people think that the gods really give a hoot about their scalps or hair styles? If these good folks really believe that the body is the Temple of the Holy Spirit why are so many of them obese?”

The revival will continue in the Uncompahgre Valley until its special events license runs out, then promoters will take the show on to the road to Utah despite protests from Mormon groups there who do not appreciate the competition for the right to save souls and hair.

– Signelle de Bushe

HORSESHOE GRANTED JUNK MAIL STATUS

(Gunnison) The San Juan Horseshoe has finally reached the kind of milestone that most newspapers only dream of — that of junk mail status. Legally filed with the Library of Congress, the Postal Equilibrium Committee and the Interstate Commerce Union, the license allows the paper access to every American whether they like it or not.

By next week the Horseshoe plans to send back issues to every mailbox in the Western United States and Canada. Whereas before the publisher might have been jailed for such an act, now he is free to intrude into the lives of his fellow citizens without penalty.

According to a postal source the paper must send out at least 250 tons of worthless print per month to qualify for next year’s license. Anything less would automatically drop that effort into second class or the feared requested material category.

“Then we’d have to hold the mail until someone showed up at the little window, showed some identification and offered to buy us lunch,” said Mondo Carmen a stamp designer from Milan.

Over at the newspaper the staff is said to be quite enthused over the accomplishment which should make their jobs easier.

“The paperwork took 20 years but at least we’ll get some relief in the dead file room and storage of those colorful Piggly Wiggly inserts will be much less a problem,” said one under-editor. “This place was starting to look like a paper mill on Thursdays.” – Fred Zeppelin

Mount Sneffels Range from Log Hill Mesa

Reconstruction Finally Over?

Obama orders troops from south

(Montgomery) President Obama today ordered the withdrawal of more than 400,000 federal occupation troops from the southern United States, in hopes of putting an end to the American Civil War which has has raged since 1861. The troops had been in place since 1865 following the cessation of hostilities.

“We herald a new day in relations with our former adversaries,” said an Obama spokesman, who was not born until 1990. “We feel that the citizens of the former Confederate States have assimilated to the ways of the New America and should be welcomed back into the fold without a military presence there.”

Obama, from Hawaii, which became a state in 1959, after being conquered in 1893, has wanted to terminate the state of siege that has existed “down south” even though the region has always voted against him because he is Black and educated. Irony opened many doors here…too many to undress in this venue.

Reaction to the move was mixed with many residents miffed that the process took so long and that the sitting President that pulled the strings was Obama. Others were concerned as to the economic repercussions of the massive move of human bodies and the threat of attack by foreign armies.

“I sell a lot of Dixie Beer and hushpuppies to them soldier boys,” said Louella Stonewall Parsimmons, a reconditioned southern belle who operates Little Lula’s Levee Lounge, just outside of New Orleans. “It’s bad enough the drilling is up and down and half the fishing is banned from season to season. I may have to resort to prostitution to keep the lights on.”

Another local, Antoine LeCreppe, of nearby Chackbay, expressed concern over an impending invasion by Mexico.

“Those boys down there have coveted our crawfish bisque recipes since the French and Indian War. That’s before we stole most of the West from them in 1848,” he spat. “Y’all remember, as part of that Manifold Destiny scam, which didn’t do much for folks around here.”

LaCreppe claims that as soon as the Yankee troops depart, the former Confederacy will be swallowed up by Mexico and forced to pay homage to Emperor Maxmilian who was executed in 1867. He is relocating his fishing camp to Grand Isle in hopes of discouraging the first wave of attackers before they reach the heartland of Louisiana. – Marie Laveau

Colorado pot plants doing “exceptionally well” in Turkish Contest

(Istanbul) It’s the talk in bazaars from Baghdad to Basra and whispered in caravans all along the Old Silk Road.

Colorado cannabis plants have all but swept this year’s Anatolia Hemp Competition held in the shadow of the Blue Mosque in this crossroads Eurasian metropolis.

It could be easily argued that the marijuana  “made in the Rockies” was far and above the best, finishing in four of five organic categories: Natural and Homeopathic, Hydroponics, Rain gutter technology (encompassing thermal) and Freestyle Cultivation. The final effort concluded with a sixth place finish in the cutting edge Salient Precipitates and Underground production class, a spaced age procedure deemed illegal in many Western countries due to the occasional use of human sacrifice.

Coming away with 16 gold medals and one bronze the Colorado Agricultural Dream Team dominated the heavily juried event. Istanbul, brandishing its long and curious romance with hash consumption seemed the perfect venue with warm days and crisp evenings, delicious cuisine and ancient history out every door. Although old rivalries emerged the event came off without the petty jealousies and ethnic miscalculations that have plagued Asia Minor in recent years.

Finishing well in the overall competition were Spain: 4 Gold, 9 Silver, 3 Bronze; Pakistan: 2 Gold, 5 Silver, 6 Bronze: Cinderella entry Paraguay: 2 Gold, 10 Silver and 9 Bronze,  Mauritania: 1 Gold, 3 Silver and 2 Bronze and of course host country Turkey which brought home 6 Gold and 4 Silver medals.

According the the judge’s panel the five human senses pretty much determine prizes. Taste, smell and size/beauty are joined by the embrace of  peace and sense of well being. The sense of touch is measured by pheromone – respiratory response and by distinct body rush quotients. The fabled 6th Sense whether surreal, telepathic, or simply intuitive comes into play to break a tie or adding replacement players toward the end of botanical soirees when the spiked dessert squares have all disappeared.

Due to local customs and law no inhalation, combustion, incineration or consumption of the pistillate hemp plant was endorsed or encouraged by the Anatolia Hemp Society.

One proxy award was presented to Turkey in the category of Growing Schemes, for the use of alpine marmot scat in its trademark black buckets donning the white crescent on red background flag of the secular, parliamentary republic. 268,000 entries were recorded by the organizers.

Some of the American product awarded  top ratings (Gold Medals) are Rocky Flats Big Boy, Nucla-Naturita Knuckles (Twin Cities Twinkie), Paonia Red Eyed Purple Monster, Uncompahgre Rollover, Celestial Tidings, Andalucian Sans Sevilla, and Albuquerque-Ignacio Instant Dumb.

Honorable mention includes Minca Finca, Miss Polly Pinon, Happy Dewpoint, Maui Vacation (Gold) , Infra-ridiculous, Cloudy Oaxaca, Aspen Barking Bud (Gold) , San Luis Habla de Misma, Glenwood Knock Me Down, Green Oz, Poudre Canyon Skunk, and Taylor Park Breakfast Weed (Bronze).

The last event of the contest centers on cooking with marijuana with over 25,000 registered hemp chefs showing their stuff, not just in the culinary sense but in the field of medicinal breakthroughs as well.

Many feel that this overwhelming victory could open the door to federal aid for hemp growers, once  hush-hush legislation that is gaining support in the Senate and strangely enough momentum in House.

“Puritans have historically put money before personal morals and perceived integrity,” said one proponent for aid to hempsmen. “They’ll come around sooner or later.”

– Gabby Haze

Quiet Observations

Martian Travel Benefit: Apollo National Park on the Moon

With the establishment of the new Apollo National Park on the Moon it should be easier to travel to Mars according to Jetpack Carriers, a pioneer transport service specializing in all-inclusive cosmic ventures into the great beyond. Jetpack, which will begin full service flights to Mars in November, says the preliminary taming of the lunar orbit satellite, will give travelers a host of options when cruising outer space.

“The trip to Mars can be exhausting and tremendously tedious if a person is not prepared for the experience. The opening of a National Park on the moon offers a safety net or failsafe where people can get out of the shuttle, stretch their legs and have a look around.”

The round-trip cost for the journey starts at $1.3 million, which includes chemical meals in clever packaging and in-flight films. Interest in one-way trips has spiked recently with many potential passengers eager to “get off the grid and rid themselves of the stress of earth-bound routines” according to Jetpack.

Kim Jong-un Having Trouble Getting Dates

(Pyongyang) Korean news sources intimate that Dear Leader, Kim Jong-un has been experiencing a downturn in his social life after ordering the execution of a former girlfriend, Hyon Song-wol, a well-known Korean performer with the Unhasu Orchestra. Hyon, who was accused of breaking domestic pornography laws, was the victim of a firing squad that took an estimated dozen lives. Most of the others killed were members of the Wanghaesan Light Music Band.

Whether Kim will rebound from his social snafu was not discussed however many here say he will be back on the dating trail by the weekend. Many potential partners are afraid to say no to the Korean dictator and don’t dare answer the phone. Others reportedly dream of a date so as to get a decent meal in the starving country. The sources did not dwell on the leader’s charms, calling him “quite a catch” even though he is currently married to Ri Sol-ju, who had objected to the high profile of the ex-girlfriend.

“It is not known if these murders will undermine the dapper god-king’s efforts to woo the women of North Korea,” said one South Korean mouthpiece, “but it certainly can’t help come Saturday night.”

Many Zombies Sticking Around After Film

(Montrose) An alarming number of zombies and assorted extras say they are planning to relocate to Montrose after a positive experience filming the movie “I Am Alone” in the Western Colorado city. Of the 50 or so zombies taking part in the filming most told The Horseshoe that they hope to stay here.

“It all comes down to jobs and there aren’t all that many good ones to be had,” said one of the Walking Dead, sipping a zombie downtown yesterday. “Sometimes quality of life is more important than money and we have a powerful support group quickly forming in these environs.

Zombies, thought to be corpses brought back to life by witchcraft, generally led productive lives and often blend in with the local population. Many are attracted to the shadows of the urban arena yet others prefer the wide-open spaces.

The city of Montrose, in keeping with bullying practices toward small business within its confines, has announced that it will hire 200 more police officers to head-off disturbances. Readers may recall an upsurge in the zombie population in Delta after Attack of the Vegan Zombies was shot there in 1997. After marked concern on the part of authorities there it became apparent that zombies and regular humans could co-exist even though compatibility was in question when the days grew shorter.

– Jack Spratt