All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category
Planets shedding fur no cause for alarm
(Ouray) The seasonal shedding of fur and skin by major planets in out solar system will not jeopardize life as we know it according to astronomers at Dexter Creek Phoebus Observatory here. Saying that a slew of meteor showers and a lot of fuzz in the air may complicate respiratory maladies, star gazers assured residents and visitors that things would “return to normal” just as soon as things return to normal.
“This kind of thing happens every year but it is particularly noticeable in 2013 due to the cold weather that has plagued the Universe,” said G. Jerry Dunn, operations specialist at DCPO. “In short since the planets did no shedding in March and April there is hair everywhere in May and June.”
Dunn then went on to draw some confusing analogy between shedding planets and shedding German Shepherds.
“Shedding is the final step in repeating the natural process in outer space,” he said. “It is a serious accounting and reordering of orbits prior to the end of the world which is scheduled for December 15.”
“Watching a grand old planet like Jupiter shed its winter coat is really quite a phenomenon. The only problem is that all that hair gets into our sensitive telescopes. We’re all learning on the job. Hell, back a few years ago we didn’t even know that planets had hair,” he smiled. “We thought they were all as bald as cue balls.
– Tommy Middlefinger
Pray Away the Gray Plays to Mixed Reviews
(Olathe) A winter revival dubbed Pray Away the Gray opened to a smaller than expected audience Friday as clergy from several strip mall cults administered to the imagined needs of the elderly and the fears of the prematurely gray in the community.
This approach to changing pigmentation, seen as an abnormal behavior by these leading reverends, leans on direct supplication and petition coupled with tithing and compliance as defined by the men behind the pulpit.
“People with gray hair are sinners and must seek salvation as blondes or brunettes,” explained Rev. Phillip Pharisee, coordinating executive of the emerging institution. “If we get enough people thinking the same way it might be surprising what might happen.”
Already several of the faithful in nearby Montrose claim to have shed their gray hair after attending just three or more sessions.
“I was more than happy to pay the $200 to look younger,”said one man.
Scientists say the melanogenetic clock, rather than morality, is responsible for the hair follicles turning white or gray. They blame the state of gray on genetics and environment. Unfortunately, they add, the only way to restore hair color is with dyes and chemicals.
“The concept of begging for divine intercession is selfish and stupid” said one scientist. “Do these people think that the gods really give a hoot about their scalps or hair styles? If these good folks really believe that the body is the Temple of the Holy Spirit why are so many of them obese?”
The revival will continue in the Uncompahgre Valley until its special events license runs out, then promoters will take the show on to the road to Utah despite protests from Mormon groups there who do not appreciate the competition for the right to save souls and hair.
– Signelle de Bushe
HORSESHOE GRANTED JUNK MAIL STATUS
(Gunnison) The San Juan Horseshoe has finally reached the kind of milestone that most newspapers only dream of — that of junk mail status. Legally filed with the Library of Congress, the Postal Equilibrium Committee and the Interstate Commerce Union, the license allows the paper access to every American whether they like it or not.
By next week the Horseshoe plans to send back issues to every mailbox in the Western United States and Canada. Whereas before the publisher might have been jailed for such an act, now he is free to intrude into the lives of his fellow citizens without penalty.
According to a postal source the paper must send out at least 250 tons of worthless print per month to qualify for next year’s license. Anything less would automatically drop that effort into second class or the feared requested material category.
“Then we’d have to hold the mail until someone showed up at the little window, showed some identification and offered to buy us lunch,” said Mondo Carmen a stamp designer from Milan.
Over at the newspaper the staff is said to be quite enthused over the accomplishment which should make their jobs easier.
“The paperwork took 20 years but at least we’ll get some relief in the dead file room and storage of those colorful Piggly Wiggly inserts will be much less a problem,” said one under-editor. “This place was starting to look like a paper mill on Thursdays.” – Fred Zeppelin
Reconstruction Finally Over?
Obama orders troops from south
(Montgomery) President Obama today ordered the withdrawal of more than 400,000 federal occupation troops from the southern United States, in hopes of putting an end to the American Civil War which has has raged since 1861. The troops had been in place since 1865 following the cessation of hostilities.
“We herald a new day in relations with our former adversaries,” said an Obama spokesman, who was not born until 1990. “We feel that the citizens of the former Confederate States have assimilated to the ways of the New America and should be welcomed back into the fold without a military presence there.”
Obama, from Hawaii, which became a state in 1959, after being conquered in 1893, has wanted to terminate the state of siege that has existed “down south” even though the region has always voted against him because he is Black and educated. Irony opened many doors here…too many to undress in this venue.
Reaction to the move was mixed with many residents miffed that the process took so long and that the sitting President that pulled the strings was Obama. Others were concerned as to the economic repercussions of the massive move of human bodies and the threat of attack by foreign armies.
“I sell a lot of Dixie Beer and hushpuppies to them soldier boys,” said Louella Stonewall Parsimmons, a reconditioned southern belle who operates Little Lula’s Levee Lounge, just outside of New Orleans. “It’s bad enough the drilling is up and down and half the fishing is banned from season to season. I may have to resort to prostitution to keep the lights on.”
Another local, Antoine LeCreppe, of nearby Chackbay, expressed concern over an impending invasion by Mexico.
“Those boys down there have coveted our crawfish bisque recipes since the French and Indian War. That’s before we stole most of the West from them in 1848,” he spat. “Y’all remember, as part of that Manifold Destiny scam, which didn’t do much for folks around here.”
LaCreppe claims that as soon as the Yankee troops depart, the former Confederacy will be swallowed up by Mexico and forced to pay homage to Emperor Maxmilian who was executed in 1867. He is relocating his fishing camp to Grand Isle in hopes of discouraging the first wave of attackers before they reach the heartland of Louisiana. – Marie Laveau
