All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category
POP QUIZ
Take out your notebooks and number 2 pencils. It’s time for your monthly mental checkup. Answer the questions to the breast of your ability.
1. Why is it that one can’t trust the average house cat with a 3-pound tuna while it is quite appropriate to leave the same cat in the care of the tuna for up to 12 hours without incident?
2. The Exxon Corporation contributes to Save the Tigers yet there are none of the species within a 200 mile radius of Prince William Sound. Elaborate.
3. Name all the cities mentioned in James Brown’s version of Night Train.
4. Sub-commander Marcos is a member of what political party? In what state does he reside? Doesn’t it bother you that your government is training the military to smother valid peasant revolts south of the border down Mexico way?
5. Since coming to power the Vatican Popery has designated over 280 new saints. Name them.
Get started. You have only until 2016 to complete this section.
HUNTING HIGHLIGHTS
with Sir Otis of Liver
McDonald, Wendy, Burger King Among Missing in West Elks
(Baldwin) A slew of fast food giants, including Ronald McDonald himself, are still missing in the West Elk Wilderness despite a massive manhunt conducted by local grease gourmets. According to close friends in Montrose the three left that city on Monday intent on setting up a hunting camp prior to opening day. When Wendy failed to return on Thursday to work her regular shift employees called the police.
“There are a lot of very bad people out there who would like to see harm come to brave hype-cartoons like these three,” said an animated window washer over at Kentucky Fried Chicken. “Sure we are in competition but we still respect each other “somewhat”.
One clerk at Taco Bell echoed similar remarks.
“We’ve always had a good working relationship with the other fast food pimps here in the United States and in Grand Junction,” she quipped, “even though Wendy is a pathetic slut and the Burger King is a drunk.”
Meanwhile police express hope as the three are experienced sportsmen.
“We found a clump of red clown hair strung to a small shrub near Coffeepot Creek late last night,” said one searcher. “We don’t know yet if that was meant as some sort of sign or if McDonald was engaged in a struggle.”
The West Elk Wilderness is home to an estimated 2500 hungry black bear who are prone to eat almost anything.
“We sincerely hope the three missing hunters don’t end up as lunch for some fury beast, but that would be ironic, wouldn’t it?” he offered.
DOW BANS BAGPIPES
(Almont) The Colorado Division of Wildlife has outlawed the use of bagpipes in the woods this year due to what it calls an unfair advantage to elk hunters. Saying that the wapiti cannot resist the sounds of the ancient Celtic instruments, DOW officials have threatened to confiscate hunting licenses and fine guilty parties in this regard. Although the practice of calling elk with bagpipes has not become chronic in Colorado, the herd wardens fear that the problem could burgeon overnight and threaten the relative safety of the state’s herds.
This is the second time in as many years that the DOW has stepped in to prohibit questionable symphonic hunting techniques, having banned the use of assault kazoos over 8,000 feet in 2012.
Jones to replace Jackson on $20 bill
(Denver) Labor organizer and “miner’s angel” Mary Harris “Mother” Jones will replace former President Andrew Jackson on the twenty-dollar bill in January. According to sources at the Denver Mint, the decision came down after reviewing the lives and times of both celebrities.
Andrew Jackson was a major voice in the forced removal of more than ten Native American tribes from ancestral homelands, was strong proponent of slavery and a frontline warrior for Manifest Destiny, a philosophy saying white America had the divine right to govern most of North America.
He was a real estate broker with a pistol and canon. One major accomplishment, the “Trail of Tears” in which 40,000 Cherokee perished, set in motion a system of ethnic cleansing extending to Creeks, Choctaw and Seminole. It was simple: he would drive the tribes from their land and buy it for the expanding United States, taking his lucrative commission along the way. He appeared briefly on the Confederate $1000 bill.
Mother Jones, largely affiliated with the United Mine Workers Union, was born in Cork County Ireland. She spent the best part of her life combating child labor practices and raising hell for the rights of workers in Colorado and other Western states.
She was often denounced on the floor of the Senate by anti-labor sentiment as “the grandmother of all agitators”, a title she heartily enjoyed.
In the American Songbook Carl Sandburg suggests that “She’ll be comin’ ‘round the mountain when she comes” refers to Jones and her travels in the Appalachian coal camps to promote the unionization of miners.
Noted critics of the move, still stinging from a decision to change the name of Ronald Regan Washington National Airport to Bob Marley International Airport in April, say it is just a blatant liberal housecleaning and one more example of creeping socialism in this country.
Proponents argue that Jones symbolizes the principles of freedom and democracy by defending the rights of workers while Jackson distorts these truths, displaying the greed and racism that swaggered and sashayed along the Frontier in the 1800s.
The new bills are set for release in early 2011. More on this after we milk the cows, feed the chickens, stable the horses and paint the barn. – H. L. Menoken
Planets shedding fur no cause for alarm
(Ouray) The seasonal shedding of fur and skin by major planets in out solar system will not jeopardize life as we know it according to astronomers at Dexter Creek Phoebus Observatory here. Saying that a slew of meteor showers and a lot of fuzz in the air may complicate respiratory maladies, star gazers assured residents and visitors that things would “return to normal” just as soon as things return to normal.
“This kind of thing happens every year but it is particularly noticeable in 2013 due to the cold weather that has plagued the Universe,” said G. Jerry Dunn, operations specialist at DCPO. “In short since the planets did no shedding in March and April there is hair everywhere in May and June.”
Dunn then went on to draw some confusing analogy between shedding planets and shedding German Shepherds.
“Shedding is the final step in repeating the natural process in outer space,” he said. “It is a serious accounting and reordering of orbits prior to the end of the world which is scheduled for December 15.”
“Watching a grand old planet like Jupiter shed its winter coat is really quite a phenomenon. The only problem is that all that hair gets into our sensitive telescopes. We’re all learning on the job. Hell, back a few years ago we didn’t even know that planets had hair,” he smiled. “We thought they were all as bald as cue balls.
– Tommy Middlefinger
