Payment to reach billions Mexican government settles with West End

(Nucla) The Mexican government has agreed to pay West End residents over 3.2 billion dollars in retribution for war atrocities allegedly committed in 1847, during in what the victors longingly refer to as the Mexican War.

Although short-lived, the conflict was over by early 1848, the war saw the United States gain more than 525,000 square miles of new territory. It also saw some of the most brutal atrocities ever committed on American soil, unless you count behaviors aimed at the First Americans, African slavery, the labor wars, the wild buffalo, and Manifest Destiny.

In June 1847 a contingent of Mexican cavalry crossed the San Miguel River near Redvale and headed west toward Naturita. Militias stationed in the Twin Cities had no prior warning and scurried to protect the uranium fields from the coming assault. Alas, it was too late and as dusk settled on the first day of the battle the Mexican cavalry had occupied the uranium mines and downtown Naturita to boot.

“It was ugly…what happened then,” said a 162-year old retired General who was just a boy during the war. “The Mexican troops forced the local citizenry to gather up all the tequila and turn it over to the provost marshal. Then they held the men at gun point while the women were forced to cook green chili and chorizo through the night and into the next day. All this with that Mariachi music blasting and the festive south-of-the-border decorations hanging off every cedar tree.”

The boy, later commissioned as a three-star general, escaped from the melee and warned General Winfield Scott of the shortages his troops might face if they ever visited the Paradox Valley. For this he was presented the Victorian Cross and given a poorly-built dream house in Telluride.

Meanwhile the debauchery continued with the Mexican soldiers chowing down and the women cleaning up. Sparse looting also occurred according to eyeball witnesses. The town was a wreck with chairs turned over, tablecloths stained with salsa and even a lamp or two smashed. Herds of sheep were scattered or worse.

In 1870, following the American Civil War the residents and descendants of these victims filed suit against the Republic of Mexico for damages. Included were accusations that the Mexicans still held much of the uranium and that several residents experienced stomach disorder and gas from the feast. The women filed a separate suit claiming harassment in that they were forced to clean up the mess.

“The settlement might have been minimal had the Mexican government acted right away,” said General Kashmir Horseshoe, once the young man who had witnessed the atrocities. “However some 150 years later the interest alone has to be calculated in the billions.”

Today, due in part to the Mexican government’s desire to remain on the good side of the Obama Administration, residents of Nucla and Naturita are perched at the business end of a hearty windfall. Experts estimate that every living occupant in the Twin Cities will receive 1.2 million dollars before the end of 2014.

“You’ll be seeing a lot more of those fancy double-wides around here,” said Horseshoe who only yesterday moved out of his tin castle and into a ante Belgium mimosa-lined ski chalet overlooking fashionable Hopkins Field. ” – Melvin Toole

Newsprint Safe for Fish and Chips

(Dublin) After extensive carbon-plate investigation, the governments of Ireland and England have determined that the traditional practice of wrapping fish and chips in newspaper is not only expedient but is perfectly healthy.

The impulse packaging, which has become standard in such places as Wales and Scotland as well, has been deemed safe due in part to the antiseptic nature of grease.

“I remember the Suez campaign back in the Forties,” said one retired British major, turned health official. “We were afraid to drink the water so we added massive quantities of cheap scotch whiskey and bitters. It was easier than all that bloody boiling. Although no one liked the mixture everyone stayed reasonably healthy. It’s the same with the cooking oil.”

Fish and chip purveyors here in Ireland expressed relief in that they will not be forced to obtain substitute packaging materials.

“We’ve always got a stack of newspapers around,” said Connie Sullivan, of Rosscarbery, in West Cork. “In fact one paper from Western Colorado sends us old issues which it says helps substantiate circulation figures.”

It was not clear what action might have been taken if health officials had deemed newsprint unsafe.

“There would be hell to pay when the pubs close and the lads wanted something to read with their late night tea,” said Sullivan. It’s bad enough the publicans jacked the price of a pint up to two pounds, three pence, but start messing with the price of a man’s nourishment and you might have another civil war on your hands.”

– Small Mouth Bess

POP QUIZ

Take out your notebooks and number 2 pencils. It’s time for your monthly mental checkup. Answer the questions to the breast of your ability.

1. Why is it that one can’t trust the average house cat with a 3-pound tuna while it is quite appropriate to leave the same cat in the care of the tuna for up to 12 hours without incident?

2. The Exxon Corporation contributes to Save the Tigers yet there are none of the species within a 200 mile radius of Prince William Sound. Elaborate.

3. Name all the cities mentioned in James Brown’s version of Night Train.

4. Sub-commander Marcos is a member of what political party? In what state does he reside? Doesn’t it bother you that your government is training the military to smother valid peasant revolts south of the border down Mexico way?

5. Since coming to power the Vatican Popery has designated over 280 new saints. Name them.

Get started. You have only until 2016 to complete this section.

Looking south from Silverton

HUNTING HIGHLIGHTS

with Sir Otis of Liver

McDonald, Wendy, Burger King Among Missing in West Elks

(Baldwin) A slew of fast food giants, including Ronald McDonald himself, are still missing in the West Elk Wilderness despite a massive manhunt conducted by local grease gourmets. According to close friends in Montrose the three left that city on Monday intent on setting up a hunting camp prior to opening day. When Wendy failed to return on Thursday to work her regular shift employees called the police.

“There are a lot of very bad people out there who would like to see harm come to brave hype-cartoons like these three,” said an animated window washer over at Kentucky Fried Chicken. “Sure we are in competition but we still respect each other “somewhat”.

One clerk at Taco Bell echoed similar remarks.

“We’ve always had a good working relationship with the other fast food pimps here in the United States and in Grand Junction,” she quipped, “even though Wendy is a pathetic slut and the Burger King is a drunk.”

Meanwhile police express hope as the three are experienced sportsmen.

“We found a clump of red clown hair strung to a small shrub near Coffeepot Creek late last night,” said one searcher. “We don’t know yet if that was meant as some sort of sign or if McDonald was engaged in a struggle.”

The West Elk Wilderness is home to an estimated 2500 hungry black bear who are prone to eat almost anything.

“We sincerely hope the three missing hunters don’t end up as lunch for some fury beast, but that would be ironic, wouldn’t it?” he offered.

DOW BANS BAGPIPES

(Almont) The Colorado Division of Wildlife has outlawed the use of bagpipes in the woods this year due to what it calls an unfair advantage to elk hunters. Saying that the wapiti cannot resist the sounds of the ancient Celtic instruments, DOW officials have threatened to confiscate hunting licenses and fine guilty parties in this regard. Although the practice of calling elk with bagpipes has not become chronic in Colorado, the herd wardens fear that the problem could burgeon overnight and threaten the relative safety of the state’s herds.

This is the second time in as many years that the DOW has stepped in to prohibit questionable symphonic hunting techniques, having banned the use of assault kazoos over 8,000 feet in 2012.

Jones to replace Jackson on $20 bill

(Denver) Labor organizer and “miner’s angel” Mary Harris “Mother” Jones will replace former President Andrew Jackson on the twenty-dollar bill in January. According to sources at the Denver Mint, the decision came down after reviewing the lives and times of both celebrities.

Andrew Jackson was a major voice in the forced removal of more than ten Native American tribes from ancestral homelands, was strong proponent of slavery and a frontline warrior for Manifest Destiny, a philosophy saying white America had the divine right to govern most of North America.

He was a real estate broker with a pistol and canon. One major accomplishment, the “Trail of Tears” in which 40,000 Cherokee perished, set in motion a system of ethnic cleansing extending to Creeks, Choctaw and Seminole. It was simple: he would drive the tribes from their land and buy it for the expanding United States, taking his lucrative commission along the way. He appeared briefly on the Confederate $1000 bill.

Mother Jones, largely affiliated with the United Mine Workers Union, was born in Cork County Ireland. She spent the best part of her life combating child labor practices and raising hell for the rights of workers in Colorado and other Western states.

She was often denounced on the floor of the Senate by anti-labor sentiment as “the grandmother of all agitators”, a title she heartily enjoyed.

In the American Songbook Carl Sandburg suggests that “She’ll be comin’ ‘round the mountain when she comes” refers to Jones and her travels in the Appalachian coal camps to promote the unionization of miners.

Noted critics of the move, still stinging from a decision to change the name of Ronald Regan Washington National Airport to Bob Marley International Airport in April, say it is just a blatant liberal housecleaning and one more example of creeping socialism in this country.

Proponents argue that Jones symbolizes the principles of freedom and democracy by defending the rights of workers while Jackson distorts these truths, displaying the greed and racism that swaggered and sashayed along the Frontier in the 1800s.

The new bills are set for release in early 2011. More on this after we milk the cows, feed the chickens, stable the horses and paint the barn. – H. L. Menoken