All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category
Cruel and Unusual Punishment
Continued from January 18 posting
In our last episode Ma stumbled onto a fool-proof method for keeping her mooching relatives at bay while she is in prison for her sixth DUI. With the help of a cynical prison counselor named Dulles Sharpe she has a plan.
After a week of intense research with applied coaching by Sharpe, Ma was ready to conduct her radical charade. One morning , as she left the prison laundry (shades of James Cagney and Cool Hand Luke in black and white footage here) she bumped into a fellow inmate but instead of acknowledging the accident she flew into a trade about human slavery and losing one’s chains. She was tobacco road eloquent after all the intellectual cramming, and held the attention of a small crowd of prisoners who, granted, had little else to do but listen to her rant, until the guards broke it up.
Ma was escorted back to her cell yelling, “It’s time to end the injustice! It’s time for the redistribution of wealth. It’s time for violent revolution!”
This upset the prison authorities that she repeatedly labeled as racist pigs.
“We cannot tolerate this subversive jargon,” said the warden from his desk. “We will not permit this nihilist from poisoning the minds of our cherished convicts!”
The next day Ma repeated the performance outside in the prison exercise yard. Quoting Marx and Engels she worked the crowd expertly, un-harnessing long-held talent that might have made her a competitive candidate for elected office, a successful preacher or a rousing union organizer. Prisoners and employees listened to her and remarked that she was quite well-read, for an idiot. In moments the guards snapped back to reality, broke it up and hauled Ma to the warden’s office for observation and the application of a little axle grease logic.
The answer, by quorum, seemed clear enough. It was decided that Ma be surgically removed from the general prison population.
It was one thing to have fights in the mess hall or to find the beginning scratches of a escape hole in the floor of a cell. It was another to observe extortion, theft, rape and intimidation – a daily occurrence, but now we had a prisoner who threatened to politicize the entire incarcerated population. One bad apple in a barrel of kinda rehab apples. Maybe she was even one of those communists! It sure sounded like it.
She had been so docile, so stupid but easy to deal with when she first arrived.
Sharpe kept his distance, allowing Ma to explode into tirades about inequality, worker’s utopias and wars perpetrated by the rich. He stayed away when the warden had her transferred out of the general population. They met at the usual times for official counseling but he only tutored her on her next moves. Ma would gain political prisoner status or he would eat his first retirement check.
Meanwhile word of this development had reached Ma’s family who were still scattered around a locked doublewide on the property downtown. Several of her relatives left when they got wind that there might be a bonafide commie in the family. One right-wing cousin lost went ballistic when the rumors of Ma’s links to Joseph Stalin and Che Guevara emerged. They may be low lifes but communism was another whole ball of wax.
Her Uncle Earl and Aunt Polly moved on to annoy an even more distant relative who had apparently come into some money over in Utah. They were slowly distancing themselves from this subversive. Her plan was working.
Most of the other refugees living around Ma’s trailer were beginning to look at other geo-political options. They were concerned about being ostracized although none of them knew them meaning of such a menacing word…illiterate authors of their own destruction.
Still most of the uninvited entourage remained, but they were far less likely to visit Ma in jail now that she was classified a terrorist or even worse…a socialist!
Ma had won round one. Enjoying her easy success in running off the mooch patrol she decided to continue with the disruption, and revved up the burlesque indoctrination of her fellow inmates. Ma had seen enough of this old county jail. She would be spending the rest of her sentence in a federal facility with clean sheets and a view. She had put the object in motion, now she had only to continue the act.
The word quickly got around a shocked Stringtown that Ma was nothing less than a card-carrying Bolshevik, even though the majority of the inhabitants thought Bolshevik was the name of a cherry-flavored vodka that you could buy over in Pinkyville.
A few days after another rousing exercise yard speech two federal agents came to visit Ma in her new digs, separate from the other prisoners.
“You are a disease,” started one of the agents, “A disloyal American. We will forcibly remove you from this institution and squash your attempts to poison the minds of our patriotic American prisoners.
“You will be transferred to Pine Ridge Federal Prison in the next few days. If you choose to continue this political activism there you will be separated from the prison population once again and kept in solitary confinement. You will be inaccessible to your friends, family and society for a very long time. Our advice to you is to shut up and mind your own business. Pine Ridge has a zero tolerance policy when it comes to commies.”
She had won. They all left. In a few days her yard was back to normal. Now that Ma was “inaccessible” there was nothing to take from her. In a touching soliloquy she tried to give her only worldly possession, the trailer, to Sharpe but he had no place to put it or so he said. So she donated it to science…
Just nights after Ma was moved to the federal prison, by heavenly design or hellish coincidence, a large bolt of lightning cracked in the sky lighting up the entire San Juan Range all the way from Ames to Almont. A second bolt provided a direct hit on her dilapidated trailer that night. Of course the place had no lightning rod. Of course she didn’t have insurance. When the fire department arrived they found a black, burned out skeleton with the front door standing wide open.
Nobody had been home at the time of the incident.
Evolution halted say genetic researchers
(Darwin) Scientists operating on Colorado’s Front Range claim to have chronicled the termination of evolution in some humans. The process, which was well on its way before the beginning of the project, is now concluded, leaving the species “hanging in mid-air” according to painstakingly collected data.
“No one will notice that growth has ceased, at least for now,” said Archibald Cliffe, author of an assortment of works (Lemmings of the 21st Century and Foreheads I Have Known) that suggest that even forgotten organisms are in constant change. “In a few years the static nature of humans will become apparent, even to non-believers.”
Cliffe told The Horseshoe that people who adhere to other “leisure” theories as to the nature of man would be the first to experience the lack of growth. He said that most have stopped evolving altogether and have “remained in the semi-Neanderthal state of denial while the world flies by.
“The concept of evolution does not conflict with theories of genetics or even spirituality,” added Cliffe. “but we are convinced that people who fail to grasp the changes around them are doomed not to evolve. There are a multitude of cases that indicate this stagnation. We have observed the erratic behavior common to the Front Range of Colorado since 1970 and, while factoring in the effects of overpopulation and air pollution; we can clearly see the arrest of development.”
Others working with Cliffe have expressed concern regarding his evolution as well. They feel that too many hours in a biology laboratory may have negative implications.
“Either way we are experiencing a Huxleyesque journey to another brave, new world,” said one fellow scientist, “and it threatens to leave many of the serfs sitting on their thumbs.” – Gabby Haze
Legalized Pot Sees Rise in Violet Crime
Special from your good neighbors over at the Pharmaceutical Industry
(Silverton) The recent legalization of marijuana has spurned a host of criminal activity here and all over the Western Slope according to authorities attending a police seminar in San Juan County. Violet crime being the major concern has shot up 35% with incidents ranging from loitering to singing in the street. Fistfights have not been the norm in front of dispensaries and medical clinics as users resort to friendliness aimed at peaceful passersby even in daylight hours.
“The place has turned to total anarchy and revolting chaos with standup citizens unable to sit down or leave their homes for fear of being exposed to resin from the highly addictive drug called marijuana,” said someone.
After just a few brief months authorities are reporting a shortage of brownie and cookie mixes at the groceries. Cigarette papers are also in short supply leaving legitimate, tobacco smokers out on a limb. Prices for a VW Micro-Van have gone through the pop-up roof. Incense is all but impossible to find and Hendrix vinyl is selling well. Tibetan prayer flags are all but impossible to acquire locally anymore. And it’s getting uglier.
Perhaps the most indicting behavior came last week as thousands rioted over an interruption in the Oreo cookie supply. Sales have recently skyrocketed and suppliers have been overtaxed by demand. The disturbances, centered at a major Oreo Factory in Wimpton Shores left 13 people fed and another 200 hindered.
“And what would Colorado do if they ran out of pot and they gad to deal with dope fiends in the street?” asked a woman aglow from combined segments of Faux News.
And if that’s not bad enough, smuggling has reared its ugly head while Colorado officials turn a blind eye, preferring to focus on tax coffers that are just now beginning to expand. Utah, Nebraska and Wyoming have already fortified their state borders in an attempt to turn back the evil tide of cannabis-fueled crime. Kansas has petitioned the federal government to intercede in the form of millions of dollars of worthless thank you tickets from the burned out War on Slugs. Many fear the foul-smelling herb will get into the water supply.
Meanwhile long lines remain at pharmacies all over this great land as more and more Americans become addicted to legal drugs that, although presented in neat, beautiful colors, are both often harmful and expensive.
“These legal drug addicts damn sure should not be driving a car,” said one marijuana smoker.
Ramped up crime, bacchanal, violets and general chaos have been the tragic rule here in the Rockies since the grand communist marijuana experiment took hold on January 1. Colorado, already a popular laid back destination, is now seen by many in the travel industry as the perfect “alternative” destination for many clients, taxing our borders and threatening our Oreo reserves.
“With all the marijuana violets in the street it’s virtually impossible for me to get to the pharmacy for my legal fix,” said one citizen. “I’d take public transportation but all those people are socialists and probably high as a kite to boot.”
Footnote #1: Marijuana: A foreign and frightening name, marijuana, created by William Randolph Hearst and his henchmen in an attempt to scare Americans about Mexican drug encroachments while they eyeballed Cuba and instigated the Spanish-American War.
Footnote # 2: Marijuana Reference: Pancho Villa’s revolutionary seizure of forests owned by W.R. Hearst in Mexico, the association of cannabis (hemp was a competitor) and abnormal behavior as part of the entry drug domino theory advanced by the Yellow Journalists and gobbled up by the simple-hearted public.
Congress Freezes US Assets
(Washington) In an eleventh hour decision of major proportions for our stumblebum economy, the United States Congress today passed legislation that effectively freezes the assets of its own government. Passing swiftly through the GOP-controlled House, the bizarre bill landed in the Democrat-controlled Senate and, after an hour of heated discussion was approved by an undisclosed margin.
President Obama, who has surpassed his quota of vetoes for the month, is expected to sign the bill into law from the Democrat-controlled Oval Office this morning.
The Republicans, firmly against the bill in the beginning (since it was first sponsored by a Democrat) backed off after it became clear that the private sector would assume a larger roll and in no way be directly effected by the freeze. Democrats assured themselves that even though they would not raise taxes they would continue to mouth concern for the needy, throw money at issues and brace for blowback.
Both sides concluded that the action would save billions in gov’ment expenditures.
“If these brahmans really wanted to save money they would suspend their paychecks, their premium health insurance and their lifelong pensions,” said Rosey Rosebud, a representative from Harlem. “Most are by nature already beyond wealthy when they first run for office and get richer as Mandarin opportunities blossom in the golden years.”
Rosebud simply frowned when asked about the influence of lobbyists and the cancelation of social programs inherent to the these procedures.
Now the combined Congress must vote on an sticky amendment that would ban lobbyists from Washington altogether.
“It’s really a sham,” squawked one lobbyist, his oily pockets full of gifts for cooperative lawmakers. “Don’t these people understand that we run things around here? They can’t simply dismiss us. It’s un-American!”
A nearby senator commented on the uproar asserting that when the end is near drastic steps were often necessary.
“We can’t just go on printing money while the middle class gets squeezed,” he said. The rich are still rich. The poor are still poor. The middle class works two jobs to maintain. The people have unmasked their leaders to find no one leading.”
Although the gov’ment has frozen assets belonging to such distinct entities as Iran, Pete Rose and the Ku Klux Klan, it had never seized its own. The icy funds, initially generated by the IRS and National Park fees, will be stored below zero in an undisclosed location near Cheyenne Mountain in Colorado.
“Even if the assets are frozen they must be protected in the event of a nuclear strike,” said the senator, “far out of reach of the drunken sailor spending. If our government was forced to operate and execute like small business it would have been bankrupt in 1783, a year after it opened.”
Despite the icy solution some in the Congress plan to stay open until petty cash runs out. Most agree that a solution is not on the horizon and that freezing assets does little more than slow down the inevitable shift in policy making and expenditures.
“All of the filibusters and back slapping haven’t worked,” flinched the source. “We can’t wait for the American people to get off their asses and demand fiscal responsibility on the part of their elected officials. The government apple is rotten to the core.”
Democrats here expressed hope that the action would project the Republicans as the bad guys in the 2014 elections while Republicans were confident that the freeze would reflect poorly on the White House and the Democrats. – Kashmir Horseshoe
Anarchists Overrun Antarctica
(Montevideo UR) A contingent of loosely knit anarchists have landed on the beaches in Wilkins Sound in an apparent attempt to reclaim the island continent from the penguins who have called the place home since before recorded history.
According to spy networks the anarchists hope to set up a utopian society there.
Our besieged bureau in Puerto Montt, Chile reports that at least 15 separate groups of debunkers, each with their own craft and dogma, arrived on the icy beaches within moments of each other. None had even a semblance of a uniform or even the same flag. All stood around in the surf ignoring any military precision exhibited by the others. Then, like a flock of songbirds without orders they moved toward the known inland penguin stronghold at the foot of Mt. Siple.
“We have no intention of disrupting penguin life here,” said one unidentified anarchist. We just want to be left alone by the rest of the world. If we cannot flourish here we are indeed doomed.”
Many controlled, though heated, disagreements emerged as to the proper course of action. Chronic direction as to the exact location of the stronghold further disrupted the forward motion of the invaders. This confusion was highlighted by a loud disturbance when three anarchists fell hundreds of feet into a crevice created by ice and winds of at least 150 miles per hour. At least three one-person search parties met the same fate before the afternoon drew to a close.
By nightfall the entire landing party was forced to huddle together amid dwarf Orwellian pines to keep from freezing since no one had organized a firewood unit and no blankets were included in the haphazard survival list that was never completed.
Tomorrow any survivors plan to take the day off and return to the task at hand later in the week.
– Zorro DesPlants
Ash Tray Surplus Undressed
(Paradox, CO) The abundance of unused ash trays currently serving as memory knick-knacks will be decreased significantly thanks to several suggested recycle programs adopted at the highest levels today. The ash trays, once a major component of the smoking culture, are no longer in demand with the demise of puffing and diminished tobacco use.
Suggestion #1: Get the government involved. Persons anxious to rid themselves of these items are instructed to send them to the thousands of tobacco lobbyists currently working in the nation’s capital. Maybe they can give them as gifts to the Congress.
Suggestion #2: Take action yourself. Many of the ash trays are plastic which make for easy recycling, whereas glass and metal cinder keepers present a more serious problem due to the length of decomposition. Antique and classic ashtrays, as well as spittoons and earthenware creations often fetch a high price and can be sold to collectors.
“We are happy that so many have given up smoking,” said one health official whose expertise appears essential to the cleanup. “We all remember the smells associated with dirty ash trays. Some day our descendants will perceive these objects as disgusting and negative yet historically important mementos, and may store everything from keys to candy to safety pins in them.”
Up till now authorities had been concerned that the ash trays might fall into the hands of terrorists or used by marijuana smokers.
Anyone bogged down by the presence of these soot and ember depositories can now recycle safely and easily. It’s the patriotic thing to do,” said the source. – Ripple Van Winkle
Jingle Bells Banned by Religious Zealots
(Salvation City) The age-old Christmas carol, Jingle Bells is under fire from an ultra-right religious cult headquartered deep in the Snake Oil Mountains of Southern California. The People, a newly established sect that has condemned everything from dancing to driving a car after dark, made the announcement during a revival at Bakersfield last night.
“First of all,” began Rev Juan Wonge, leader of the group, “we have no problem with most carols but this song encourages sin and deprivation. Citing such expressions as “going all the way” and “bobtail”, Wonge feels that the relaxation of morals in the continual use of “spirits” will eventually cause the faithful to take a drink or worse over the holy season.
“Maybe we could negotiate, change a few lines and still include the song on our Christmas pageant, if we still believe in that sort of think by then,” he laughed. “In the interim anyone from this flock caught humming or singing Jingle Bells will be flogged.”
