CALL IT MACARONI BILL GETS HOUSE BACKING

(Washington) A controversial new bill, which would legalize outright lying on the part of elected officials, has passed by a slim margin in the House of Representatives. Dubbed the Call It Macaroni Bill, referring to a line in the popular Yankee Doodle Dandy song, the legislation would allow the blatant stretching of the truth in situations involving national security, fiscal conflicts and romantic encounters.

“We don’t perceive any drastic changes from the accepted mode of behavior that has existed since Manhattan was wrestled from the Indians,” said Senator Oral Noise, Unitarian-CA, the sponsor of the bill. “We simply want to get the truth out of the closet and stop dealing with petty guilt at the expense of the public good.”

A supporting caste of sponsors, including the Pentagon, the nuclear industry, the tobacco lobby and Gunnison (Colorado) Rod and Reel Club, were said to be elated by the outcome.

“It’s about time our governing bodies got their heads straight on this lingering issue,” said Melvin Toole, a corporate spokesman for the pro-Macaroni alliance.

“For years they’ve been riding on their ponies with feathers in their hats, stepping on their noodles. I just hope the Senate wakes up and realizes the potential for the expedient justice that goes hand in hand with this progressive viewpoint.”

The benefits of “calling it macaroni” seems simple enough that even the weekend voter should be able to comprehend its effects. In the first paragraph, the bill clearly stipulates who can be the legal victim of benevolent mistrust and protective exaggeration.

“We have pinpointed a general constituency that will most benefit from Congressional lying,” said Noise from a phone booth at a former suburban Maryland Savings and Loan. “This includes wives, husbands, reporters, campaign workers, caddies, hotel clerks, embassy personnel, clergy, long-distance operators, household pets, bar patrons and members of the Supreme Quart.”

Insiders seem convinced that the bill will stroll through the Senate and become law just before the elections reach the limelight in 2018. This should provide a comfortable setting for Congressional campaigns and should filter down to the state level.

“We expect the question of prescribed dishonesty to be decided in state houses from Maine to Mexico before long,” added Noise,” as deception is not strictly a national issue. A formulative policy will facilitate practices that are not in conflict with any existing approach to governing the masses.

“In short,” he continued, “we have done away with the smokey back rooms and legitimized outright deception without all the baggage.”

Already, backers of the bill have lobbed an arsenal of shells onto the Senate floor. One lobbyist suggested that if the bill dies, elected officials will be forced to begin telling the truth.

“What kind of a precedent are we setting for the generations to come?” she asked.

“Who will pick up the torch if all the millionaires are busy misleading the public in the private sector. We must keep politics interesting if we plan to entice the well-to-do. Imagine the mundane cocktail parties thrown by a new breed of honest politicians extracted from the working class!”

Other more aggressive ploys conducted outside the Senate chambers included a high stakes, members-only liar’s poker game held at the Lincoln Monument. (Readers may recall that it was Abraham Lincoln who hurled the Union into a devastating, yet lucrative civil war under the guise of ending slavery.)

“My favorite ballyhoo has got to be the long noses,” said Noise referring to the distribution of over 1,000 Pinocchio noses to members of the voting body. “The senators who ditched today are going to kick themselves in the pants when they find out what they missed. I really liked the noses. Some of the legislators even took two.”

Noise stopped short of suggesting that the noses would turn the tide in the voting.

“I think the Macaroni Bill would have passed anyway,” he smiled. “The noses just created a festive atmosphere.”

-Kashmir Horseshoe