Buffalo Phil’s Body Stolen Again

(Ridgway) The body of Buffalo Phil is missing again. Authorities here say that grave robbers masquerading as state highway workers brazenly disturbed his grave late last night and may have made off with the remains of the famous frontiersmen.

The late Buffalo Phil is reputed to be buried in an assortment of spots across the country. He is said to grace gravesites from Golden, Colorado to Cody, Wyoming to downtown Ridgway. Although no community can prove that it is in possession of the real Buffalo Phil’s cadaver, each holds a bang-up summer festival marking the life of the former mountain man.

This is the third time this year that Buffalo Phil has been taken. In two previous thefts, bodies were exhumed and then returned when crooks failed to extort ransom money for the famous stiff. Forensic experts have long concluded that there is but one Buffalo Phil and that the others are mere impersonators.

Communities such as Golden and Cody lay claim to the distinction of having Phil in their cemetery but so do such burghs as Moose Pit, Idaho (which hosts a local rodeo in his honor) and Big Hornet, Montana (where a Buffalo Phil look-alike contest is in its fifth year running). In Little Liar’s Grove, New Mexico Buffalo Phil sightings lead Elvis sightings by more than three to one in December.

According to residents of Carson City, Nevada, a pale and ashen Buffalo Phil was seen leaving Verandas of Venus, a local establishment of delight early this morning. An eyewitness, engaged in the delivery of propane at the said location claims that Phil strolled across a casino parking lot and got into a gaudily painted circus wagon then disappeared into the clouds.

Despite confirming that leads are shadowy at best, law enforcement personnel are working around the clock in an attempt to solve this macabre riddle.

– Ripple Van Winkle