Bighorn Sheep Blocking Traffic

(Ouray CO) First it was the deer eating local gardens, then it was the elk loitering around the town’s hockey rink, then it was the chipmunks stealing horses. Now it’s the bighorn sheep who have gotten into the act.

Some say it is only instict at work. Others insist it is wanton sabotage of the existing social order in the Rockies.

Since the first snowfall of the winter, city mandarins have tried everything to discourage local bighorn sheep from blocking traffic on Main Street during rush hour. Attempts at solving the problem have included free passes (next summer) to the hot springs pool for all sheep, discounts at local restaurants and even an open invitation to bingo night at the local Elks Club.

“Sure, it was cute in the beginning when the sheep started showing up all over town,” said Raymond Markey, a former mayoral candidate who has more than 50 years experience in animal control. “When they had a problem with loafing in the mine, they’d simply hand a man his walking papers. I think we should just fire all those sheep found to be sandbagging. That should send a clear message to the rest of them.”

Markey added that he had nothing personal against the animals wanting to get out every so often.

“It’s not like they’re panhandling or washing windshields to buy another bottle of wine,” he laughed. “The problem is that they have nothing else to do. They don’t even have cable TV. Believe me,” he continued, “I can empathize with the beasts. Winters do tend to drag on in this country.”

-Suzie Compost

“A device that permits people who haven’t anything to do to watch people who can’t do anything.”        – Fred Allen, on television, 1952.