Beer Trucks in Fender Bender

(Montrose, CO  Townsend Avenue Tally  November 19, 2016)

Two large semis filled to the brink with ice-cold beer collided today in Montrose, spewing an estimated 2000 gallons of suds at the intersection of Main and Townsend. The delivery vehicles belonged to Instant Mountain Distributing and Colorado Bottles and Things respectively.

“We haven’t seen this much moisture running down the street since last year’s monsoon,” said a patron at Niko’s Tavern who had just left the bar for an afternoon stroll. “It was a living hell out there.”

Passersby confirmed a four-foot wall of water flowing ominously down Main Street toward the Town Hall Bar precariously drifting into the historic banking district. Meanwhile over on Main the beer bogged down traffic and threatened the flashy yet poorly planned Bad Restaurant Row further south.

“If it weren’t for a volunteer contingent of thirsty citizens the city might have been toast,” said one councilperson. “For a while there it appeared we would be overrun,” he burped.

Town wrecking crews were on the scene in moments handing out packs of Dixie cups, towing cars and mopping up malt and hops. The drivers of the two trucks were not available for comment. No citations were given

The mishap was the worst of its kind since 1945 when a turboprop henway, caught between a hailstorm and a flock of Canadian geese, dropped 30 bags of gold dust onto an open skylight/swamp cooler at Stockmen’s Cafe. There were no direct hits and only minor injuries reported. The gold was never recovered. Common consensus chronicles the windfall as having been spent on pitchers of beer and chicken enchiladas moments before Crime Shoppers arrived on the scene.

– Susie Compost