Bears Bully Pizza Drivers

(Gunnison, CO   Autumn Leaves and Back Alley Burglars   October 27, 2016  )

Local black bears, zoning in on retirement, or seasonal hibernation as it is commonly known, have stepped up activities aimed at separating pizzas from pizza delivery personnel here.

Although the mobile pie pilots are in no real danger from the hungry, usually docile bruins, there is some cause for alarm since pizza production makes up over 45% of the region’s local gross national product.

The local gov’ment is particularly sensitive to the heists as well. Any bureaucrat knows full well that public loss of faith in the ability to protect its citizens is paramount to the present perception that the entity is necessary in the first place.

Bears don’t vote while many people do. That pretty well decides the priorities.
Police have stepped up patrols in areas known to be frequented by bear. A plan to deputize and arm pizza dispensers was voted down in council chambers last night after a pizza ordered by legislators arrived half eaten (box and all) and two hours late.

This week alone some 25 pizza delivery technicians have been accosted with perishable losses alone estimated at well over $300. In addition the grillwork on a brand new Land Rover (nice pizza wagon, dude) was kicked in, a few windshields broken and some tires were slashed.

“Generally the bear have no plan of attack, they just do whatever comes to mind,” said Evelyn Marmotbreath, Executive Director of Fully Extended Extension Services for Gunnison and Saguache Counties.

“Once they get a whiff of a sausage and mushroom (pizza) they have little control. A pepperoni and green pepper drives them nuts. Delivery people should at least be aware of the potential powder keg they are hauling around town.”

Marmotbreath verified that only the hungriest bear will risk it all for a cheese pizza and that most don’t like anchovies.

Fortunately most bear are loners and cooperation in crimes like this is rare. Gang activity, however, has been detected in the suburbs where bear often work together gorging themselves on stolen pizzas and selling the rest to buy drugs like honey, termites, assorted berries and boxes of Sugar Crisps.

“These are the desperate ones,” stressed the director. “Often they come from broken homes and see their gang association as a substitute for the den. Attempts to resist when confronted by this element are ridiculous, especially when one considers the wages paid within the profession.”

Many resourceful delivery people have begun carrying baskets of berries and mounds of garbage around with them so as to distract the bear and make the delivery unscathed. Although this works in many cases bear have been known to hold the pizza man hostage at arm’s length, while consuming the berries and garbage. Then, when the appetizers have been fully munched they turn to the real prize, still hot from the oven.

“People must remember that these animals mean business,” continued Marmotbreath. “Attempts to reason with them or engage in physical combat could be fatal.”

Unless the situation improves by November, when bear are particularly haywire, door-to-door food distribution may be suspended until the bruins fall asleep for the winter.

Another more risky alternative would be to hire the bear to deliver the pizzas.

“That’s absurd,” said Marmotbreath. “They cannot be trusted nor can they make change. Imagine a hungry bear taking off with four or five large pies. He’s make it to the end of the alley then sit down and quietly inhale his cargo. Besides,” she quipped, “we have enough under-employment around here to introduce animals into the work force.”

Pizza parlors finishing nearest the top in the recent Best of Gunnison voting have been hit the hardest as bear tend to prefer real pizza produced by locally owned establishments and reject the cardboard fare of chain restaurants.

“Hey, any bear that can add twenty or thirty pounds on berries can damn well tell a good pizza from a marginal one,” said Marmotbreath. “The key here is caution. We can always make more pizzas but a good employee is hard to find.”

– Susie Compost

“Nothing is so aggravating as calmness.”
– Oscar Wilde