Author Archive for M. Toole
SPIRIT ABUSE BILL PICKS UP STEAM IN HOUSE
A shaky proposition sponsored by secular congressmen seeks to terminate the rampant exploitation of metaphysical fears and unexplained phenomenon forwarded by “unclean, soulless predators preying on the human predicament since before fabricated gods were cooked up in Mesopotamia, Switzerland or Boston.”
One popular creed, Fiscal Puritan, disguised as a ragged holy man screaming platitudes from the desert, where transparent spirits abound, claims to have the ear of the All-Knowing.
A popular strip mall preacher has gone so far as to suggest that book banning is akin to, and often as effective as, witch burning and lynchings. “Communists!”, he shouted peering into the opaque ceiling and beyond. He used this word 37 times in a 2-minute rant, even as his well buffed knuckles exposed the strain of regular contact with the pavement.
“They have successfully tapped the anger cask, the hate keg,” said a competing transcendent mystic from across the path of corpulence. “Charlatans in our own barnyard bringing in the sheep? That won’t do,” he gasped.
“The self-divined often resent losing half of their flock to the new guy on the block,” ripped the book igniter. “He should have spiced up the oatmeal he serves on Sundays.”
The spirit abuse bill, which would require that mail order preachers and the self-proclaimed righteous would have to show a clean soul and honorable intentions before sinking their teeth into the soft underbelly of the fearful flocks.
A prominent church-and-state separatist called for religious to pay taxes if they continue to toy with and wallow in the ongoing political fray.
“Cornucopias, Mumbo-Jumbo and prosperity… There’s big money to be made in religion,” he quacked.
Another fence-sitter suggested sending in legions of archangels to punish these charlatans.
“They spend their lives worrying about the afterlife without having considered that this world may well be it. It’s no wonder with these lies and convoluted explanations that we see so many unhappy people wandering around not knowing how to enjoy this beautiful garden,” she clucked.
See related references to metaphysical fraud, “faith fraud”, divinity detachment,
and fear-based pablum, olfactory soul abuse
“Gosh there sure have been a lot of Palestinians killed in Gaza. Somebody should do something.” – Anthony Blinken, US Secretary of State.
6:15 am Big Mouth News Hourly Update
Developing story regarding the well-loved Ronald Reagan airport statue at DCA in Washington: Our clandestine operators and mindless news and aluminum collectors report that it is still there this morning. Thieves took the sacred piece hostage last weekend demanding millions in ransom, only to return it when no offers reached the table. The effigy was then timorously restored to its rightful resting place, greeting air travelers at DCA.
The red, yellow and green statue of Bob Marley that meritoriously filled in during Reagan’s short absence, has been sentenced to mothballs for the present. Readers may recall that the airport was first named Bob Marley International Airport during the Carter Presidency then changed to Ronald Reagan although most Washington insiders refer to the facility as Nancy Reagan International, knowing full well who wore the pants in that family.
-Neville Hoser III
AMERICANS TO EMBRACE LEFT LANE DRIVING in ’25
Most motorists in the United States will negotiate left lane driving next year due to new legislation aimed at keeping up with the Joneses, while not stepping on anyone’s joneses in the process.
The action was lauded from India to Ireland and from Malta to Montserrat, where drivers operate on the left side of the road and have for over a century.
A full roster of which states will require the shift and which states will never reach 4th gear is expected this week. According to POX News this is just one more attempt to drag our freedoms down the path of socialism and one world thinking. Brave talking heads there pledged to keep driving on the right no matter the consequences.
“Your cooperative motorists exhibit patience and self control when faced with these changes. Others are not quite ready to hit the road, especially when confronted with stick shifts, right turns and roundabouts,” said one cynical traffic engineer in the working in the Rockies. “Let’s get one thing straight: A flat tire is still a flat tire and incompetence behind the wheel is still a major factor in collisions.”
“Lowering the national speed limit to 45 should help but maneuverability in snow storms will be challenged. It should be an interesting few months,” he chided.
Police are encouraging motorists to stay home until the summer. Most expect DUI arrests to decrease until the new patterns are absorbed and integrated.
-Alfalfa Romero
Our website employs simple, albeit flighty wind editing techniques that don’t kill eagles
New Years Resolutions Popular in ’24
It’s New Year’s Resolution season again but don’t despair, this is not one of those stupid resolution columns. It’s a stupid chronological resolution column. Although documented episodes of out with the old, in with the new proclamations exist throughout the annals of history, perhaps no year better exemplifies these tragic attempts to get back on track than the 24th year of each century. Conveniently enough, this enlightened harvest of historically linked passages arrived in our cognizant copy basket on New Year’s Eve. While we realize that there are a multitude of vows and pledges that have had far more impact on mankind, we have chosen to focus on resolutions that were actually kept. Despite other images that this piece may conjure up, it is apparent that the elements, the planets, and the gods have always looked favorably on 24th year resolution makers. It’s kind of a quarter century-eleventh hour thing. Long after Guana, an attractive Neanderthal princess, inhabiting Asia Minor in about 4000 BC, started her New Year by promising that she would get her family out of “this drafty old cave and into something modular”
St. Augustine continued the promises. Curiously enough it was January 1 in the 24th Year of the 6th Century. The stodgy bandwagon moralist had promised Pope Gregory he would convert Britain to Christianity. Two months later he baptized a leading antagonist, Ethelbert of Kent. Ethelbert would go on to become one of the most abrasive lounge singer/performers in Canterbury. Seeing what he had done, Augustine made a second resolution in which he promised never to discuss religion or politics. He then retired to a remote monastery to write his memoirs, which include the popular tune “Let’s Spend the Blight Together”.
Highlights of other maintained resolutions quite possibly include:
624 AD: Marauding Arabs, searching for the legendary oil reserves described by the Roman poet, Sinclair, sack Carthage mistaking it for suburban Byzantium. Their leader, Caliph Abdelmelik III, makes a New Year’s Resolution to start carrying a decent map into battle.
724 AD: Byzantine Empress Irene overthrows her son, Constantine, blinds him, and assumes sole power. She then proposes to marry Charlemagne. After repeated rejections of that conjugal arrangement, Irene promises to quite chasing men and to stop blinding people. Despite her sinful behavior she was later canonized by the Greek Church.
824: After a string of architectural disasters, early electrical contractor, Alfonso III, resolves only to wire castles built with drywall. Saracens, looking for an open service station, get into a gas war with Bulgarians. In January they make a resolution to put the the Holy Land on the market in order to pay for further military excursions into Europe.
924: On December 31 Danes promise to stop sacking the Irish Coast but they don’t say anything about rape and/or pillage. The Sultan of Ghanzi resolves to send his gums to the dentist once a year. Gondola operators in Venice pledge to go on strike until tips improve. A dramatic population explosion in China gives birth to the concept of 1/2 orders on sweet and sour pork. The Chinese guarantee effective birth control methods and dynasty-subsidized egg roll distribution by 926.
1024: The Cid takes Valentia from the Moors and promises to return it when he’s finished with his Christian remodel. Unfortunately it is mislabeled as a present to his precocious offspring who break it the day after Christmas.
1124: An assortment of holy men, including St Anthony of Padua and Chinese philosopher, Chu-Hsi promised to stop talking to the sky in public.
1224: Scots defeat British at Stirling Bridge and then again at Chevy Chase. King Edward I of England’s New Year’s Resolution is to refrain from playing his bagpipes before dawn. He instructs his troops to avoid looking up the kilts worn by anyone related to Robert Bruce.
1324: The Duke of Gloucester vows to stick to his diet in 1325 but is murdered before he can properly push himself away from his dining room table.
1424: Lucretia Borgia, daughter of Pope Alexander VI, shocks the Vatican by divorcing Giovanni Sforza and running off with the marginally elegant Alfonso of Naples. Her New Year’s Resolution: Don’t unpack until the ring is paid for. Michelangelo sculpts “Bacchus” and pledges to stop using profane language during his next project .
1524: Vasco de Gama rounds the Cape of Good Hope under the flag of Lisbon. However, after the check bounced, the explorer resolves that further business dealings with the Portuguese would be on a COD (not the fish) basis. The Second Spanish Armada is scattered by storms in the Atlantic. Spanish King Phillip II makes a resolution to start watching the Weather Channel in 1525. He further pledges to move out of mom and dad’s basement by summer.
1624: Peter the Great’s luggage is once again lost during a journey through Prussia, Holland, England and Vienna. He makes the trek disguised as Peter Michailoff in order to study European ways. In January of 1625 he vows to travel with only a carry on.
1724: Casanova drops dead moments after vowing to stop chasing young women. After taking Vienna, Napoleon resolves to keep an extra pair of dry socks in his pack. He then exhorts his tired soldiers to “let the good times roll”. Headhunters in New Guinea make their first New Year’s Resolution: To eat only vegetarians. Court of Versailles promises to clean its Venetian blinds once a month.
1824: The citizens of Savage Basin, Colorado pledge to stop carousing and staying up late. That temperate climate hangs over the town to this day, especially on January 1. Old Man Roberts, proprietor of Tuller and Roberts Grocery vows to stop bitching and chewing tobacco when he has to cut up a chicken. Mrs. Williams, a cook at the Victor Restaurant in Ophir, promises to stop burning her husband’s toast. “Shorty” Bridgeman, “the racker salesman” resolves to stop spitting while during conversations. Dr. Copp, a Durango dentist vows to stop drinking before oral surgery. The United States government promises to uphold all future treaties with the Ute Nation since most of the latter have already been relocated to Utah anyway.
1924: World leaders, including Bill Clinton and Boris Yeltsin make a New Year’s Resolution to hold their collective breaths until world peace is achieved.
2024 World leaders attend a Conference on Global Warming, leaving their stretch limousines running so as to make an effective escape if someone smells a fossilized rat in the proceedings.
Kevin Haley, a drugstore historian of ample note, resides in Antioquia, Colombia and summers in downtown Colona where he watches live political soap operas unfold, and publishes the sanjuanhorseshoe.com. His New Year’s Resolution is to visit the United States often to tend to his lavish cannabis digs and breed miniature paso finos.
Escobar’s Hippos won’t fit in one’s Christmas stocking
As the holidays rage on here in Antioquia we cast our one good eye to the east near the Magdalena River where wild, invasive hippos roam at will.
The herd has grown exponentially since the demise of infamous drug lord, Pablo Escobar (who smuggled four hippos out of a Texas zoo in 1980) and his short-lived exotic zoo in the midst of Colombia’s thriving waterways.
The often dangerous hippos had become a popular attraction, part of his massive 2,000-hectare Hacienda Napoles ranch in Puerto Triunfo, which featured an ostentatious Spanish colonial house, a landing strip, and a myriad of artificial lakes.
Escobar, flexing his cocaine fortune, wanted a truly exotic wildlife park, so he also brought rhinos, elephants, giraffes, ostriches and many more animals, calling it his “own Noah’s Ark.”
When Escobar was gunned down by the Colombian government the hippos escaped and are now at large with no known predators and an extended mating season due to a comfortable environment, much wetter than their original African home.
Scientists agree that any delay in controlling the burgeoning hippo population could have serious consequences.
“It is the biggest hippo herd outside Africa, just under 200
The animals are spreading across Colombia’s biggest river basin, from which many thousands of people make their living,” said one biologist. “There have been sightings of hippos as far as 370km from Hacienda Napoles.”
And so to meet the threat Colombia has begun sterilizing hippos, which does not sound like a particularly pleasant way to spend the afternoon. It’s either this procedure or euthanasia since the cost of relocation is exorbitant at best, even with dollars hovering from the now defunct War on Drugs.
The Magdalena River
The dismal failure of self-serving programs like this often contribute to a precarious live and let live attitude toward the territorial and dangerous mammals, which can easily weigh-in at 6500 pounds.*
Surgical darts packed with the drug GonaCon are the easiest way but sometimes the darts don’t penetrate the thick hide of the animals.
“It’s like trying to penetrate the mind of a cocaine user up north or in Europe,” said one veterinarian on the scene.
In chronic cases the animals must be captured, anesthetized, transported by helicopter, and surgically operated upon.
“This is very challenging and can be dangerous for both the people and hippos, an uninvited pet psychologist understated.
*Hippopotamuses kill more people annually than sharks
Apology: Regarding: Trump’s Beer Hall Putsch story:
We mistakenly equated Trump’s actions on January 6 to Hitler’s first attempted erection should have read Hitler’s first attempted insurrection. We apologize for any confusion this reckless observation may have caused our reader.
