Author Archive for M. Toole
Sneffels Denies Trade Rumors
Mount Sneffels at the start of the season
(Mr. Woodhouse’s House) Mount Sneffels today denied trade rumors bombarding the high country. The chatter has risen to high decibel levels since Thanksgiving, suggesting that the landmark over-achiever would be gone by the annual winter meetings slated for Tuba City.
Scenarios fly like an incontinent raven perched on a trash dumpster. Most likely, say elders, Sneffels will be swapped for a crest of younger mountains from either the West Elks or the Maroon Bells. Earlier speculations connecting the 14,150-foot peak to lesser ranges such as the LaSals (in Utah) or the Sangre de Cristos have been scuttled by common bloggers. Some are gambling that the mountain will end up out of state while others say an international transaction is on the horizon.
Sneffels, according to agents, has fallen out of favor with the San Juans who might be looking to embrace a youth movement. Last year several neighboring peaks complained that the often-decorated mountain crumbled in a tight situation and did little or nothing to accommodate wildlife or encourage snowmelt.
“Missed tackles, poor shot choices, camping out in the penalty box and the inability to run out fly balls has created a climate of mistrust, even resentment, at the highest levels, say rocky critics
“Rebuilding has always been a rough time for mountain ranges,” said Zach Gaza, agent for the mountain. “Sometimes old friends get swept under the alpine carpet and a sort of progress ensues making it difficult to tell the forest from the trees.”
Although Sneffels is not considering retirement, close associates say the peak might accept a lesser roll in relief, whereas it does not have show up for early drills or to play every day once the season has commenced.
The most likely arrangement is that Sneffels sits out the winter and moves on in the spring. The most probable destination: The Nepalese Himalayas. Trades have been discussed involving Naya Kanga peak from the Langtang Tigers or possibly the bookend giants, the Chulu peaks from over in the Annapurna Range. Kanga brings power from both sides of the plate while the Chulu boys offer speed and staying power at over 6000 meters.
“Sneffels is worth more than another run of immigrant domes,” said Guy Guy, former coach for the Fossil Ridge Rangers, a minor league elevated mass. “A lot of these foreigner mountains are overly sensitive to the elements. They resemble volcanoes ready to blow their cool at the slightest provocation,” he said.
“A little shake-up is what we need in the San Juans, countered a highfalutin Uncompahgre Peak, who has lorded over Sneffels for centuries. “These mountains are just getting a little too comfortable with the present arrangement. Maybe it’s time for Sneffels to take a knee. The last time we saw him thrive on the power play was 15,000 years ago. No bat speed. Five fouls and you’re out! The old “comin’ ‘round the mountain when she comes” pretext doesn’t compute in these Cenozoic times.”
Uncompahgre says a high elevation house cleaning is in order.
“I’m the big dog in town,” he continued. “And I don’t mean just in elevation either. There’s only room enough on this range for one pinch-hitter and that is yours truly.”
As the saga winds down for the off-season, the question remains as to how the lithosphere might realign with these continental drifts, or trades, looming. Sneffels has continued to wallow in denial, adopting a pouting, no comment demeanor while less-than-friendly television analysts measure seismic hot spots, watching for signs of the smallest fault in the mountain’s stoic exterior.
– Small Mouth Bess
You and Your Back
By Dr. Simon P. Lackluster, M.D.
One of the nations most frequent medical complaints is the common backache. Throughout history, this one malady has had more conjecture as to its’ cause than almost any other problem to cross a practitioners desk. Reasons include lifting wrong, strain, incorrect bending, twisting and a myriad of other possibilities. The common layman must think the profession has been sorely lacking in its’ methods of determining the acts which bring backache on.
Recent new research into this area, however, has convinced a large number of doctors that the true reason is more closely akin to posture than any other.
Studies just completed by the renown Dr. Slipp-Arse and Professor McDisque, of the prestigious Cal-Polygamy Instant Toot, indicate that the major source of back trouble is due to man’s curious, and often arrogant habit of walking upright. As proof they point out that snakes and alligators never have back complaints, and with their elongated spinal cords it would seem to be a common occurrence. However, they point out, these animals never walk upright.
Furthermore, in thousands of interviews throughout the country they never heard of one normally born child complaining of back ailments until after they had learned to walk.
While it is probably too late for you, the reader, to take advantage of this discovery, it is not too late for you unborn progeny. To save them from this cruel fate, NEVER TEACH YOUR CHILDREN TO WALK!
-Donald J. Powers, aka The Phantom
Too Much Bass Bad For Dentures
(Colona) Denture wearers may be at extreme risk when subjected to low-pitched tones or vibrations common to boom boxes and jacked-up automobile stereos. According to leading consumer groups regular exposure to loud, pounding bass waves are not only tedious and unsettling to the ears but can also cause rapid deterioration and rejection of dentures, or false teeth as they are more commonly known.
According to the experts, no matter how well a set of dentures fits the mouth, bass decibels will have adverse affects in up to 91% of examined occurrences. In some rare cases dentists have found that dentures become unattached after only one short tune. Generally it takes repetition and continued exposure to these kinds of sounds but the results are almost always the same.
“We particularly want to warn grandparents driving with their grandchildren,” said Suzie Compost, a denture wearer turned activist after her dentures flew out of a Henway convertible blasting a booming rap concoction. We were just driving along when I felt my dentures loosen and break loose. Before I could react they were gone. It was akin to losing a straw hat on a roller coaster”
According to other motorists the badly battered uppers skidded off a windshield, crashed into a light pole and slammed into the pavement before being retrieved from a ditch. The lowers have yet to be recovered.
Even people possessing their original chompers can be victimized by the pounding bass according to experts who say that none of the senses are equipped to handle the onslaught.
“Fortunately most denture wearers are older and do not see the benefits of this musical expression,” added Compost.
Despite extensive studies the impact of digital beeps on dentures was inconclusive at press time.
-Dolores Feliz-Alegria
Plastic Refuge Shot into Space
(Ridgway) Engineers at the Ridgway Landfill (www.ridgwaydump.org) have begun the initial phases of projecting unwanted plastics into outer space. The experimental procedure is aimed at ridding the facility of items that will never rot on their own.
Early this morning 25 tons of water bottles, baby diapers, cell phones and household appliances were rocketed in the direction of Venus. If this virgin voyage is successful in penetrating the outer atmosphere other launches will follow.
“The last thing we want is for the town’s “dirty laundry” to be orbiting the planet for eternity,” said Dupris DeBris, formerly of the fashionable Crested Butte DeBrises, who is recognized as the brains behind the entire operation. “If we can simply project our garbage into another planet’s sphere it will then become their problem, he gestured menacingly. “It could work well or, if our calculations are just slightly off, our capsule could hit Silverton (like when Russian rockets hit the former Oasis Tavern in Gunnison) or run smack into the Moon. Then we’d have one hell of a mess.”
At the time of this report the rogue plastic was still on its way up.
Pilot programs such as this one have been attempted by amateur rocket scientists since Cape Kennedy was seized from the Seminoles, but none have had the manpower and moral support of an entire community. Contribution buckets have been stuffed full and most local airports have agreed to suspend morning flights so as not to interfere with the tedious voyages.
“More and more we have a population that is not engaged in daily toil,” said DeBris. “We welcome any help in the hands-on arena. Manpower is imperative since it takes about half a day to build one of our projectiles. We need people on the ground and, in the near future, people willing to ride shotgun,” said DeBris. “Even newcomers are welcome. It will give them something to do besides drinking and running for town council.”
Persons wishing to observe the flights should assemble at the Ridgway Drug Dealer building before dawn each week day to catch a shuttle up to the landfill where a continental breakfast, featuring Grape Tang will be served. Residents are reminded that no dumping will be allowed during the blast0ff launches, so please leave your dogs at home.
– Signelle de Bushe
The ultimate snowjob
A growing number of Americans cannot recognize a New York snow job when thy see one
Paradise Copyright Contested
(Crested Butte) It appears that another nasty fight is in the wings regarding copyright violations connected to the use of the term “paradise”. The squabble centers around who, if anyone, owns the standard and how and if any restrictions can be enforced.
In Colorado alone over 2,000 locales claim to be “paradise” but most have never filed for the copyright. Here in the Slate River Valley, Crested Butte has been employing the name/identity since the late, great Chuck Wirtz was a boy. Now, due to newly introduced litigation the town may be banned from using the description.
Yesterday attorneys at Morstern, Hamill and Glick filed suit in district quart claiming that their client, Dr. Emil Turlo, late of Maybell (Colorado) owns sole rights to the above said concept. Furthermore, they insist, communities and organizations currently infringing on his property are liable for fines and penalties so as to be determined by the findings of a judge and jury.
Turlo, a retired physician who once lived in Crested Butte, would not return phone calls because he is too old to use a cellphone.
“Anyone can clearly see that Crested Butte and not Maybell is paradise,” said a Bozo member who pledged a fight. “We won’t take this matter lying down,” she said. “The matter has already been handed over to our attorneys. I can’t believe someone could be so self-absorbed that they would make a big deal out of this.”
The unidentified Bozo member then rushed off to oversee the construction of what has been described as a system of trenches and ravines, built around her trophy cabin, aimed at keeping local dogs from peeing on her rose bushes.
Mystical places like Jardin, Antoquia claim the right to the paradise tag too
In last night’s town council meeting a proposal that the town save attorney fees and let Turlo have the rights to paradise was vehemently shouted down.
“Why should we relinquish our right to the concept? Isn’t there something about grandfathering in the state code. We’ve been paradise for a long time,” explained one councilperson who favors a fight. “Can you imagine how much it will cost to print new stationary and ski brochures? Will we have to rename Paradise Divide?”
Pro-paradise elements in the town say they’ll hire “other investigators (read: pistoleros from Paonia) if the present one doesn’t have the stomach for the work.”
Although Turlo can no longer use the phone, his attorneys say he is only going forward with the suit so as “to ruin other people’s fun this summer”. A pre-trial hearing is set for July 3.
-Fred Zeppelin
