Author Archive for M. Toole
Bozo Meeting Sets Precedents, Frightens Livestock
25 years ago in the Horseshoe
(CRESTED BUTTE) Last night’s Bored of Zoning and Okra (BOZO) meeting got underway with a bang as a variety of subjects from juried tourism to diaper disposal were discussed. Beginning with a prayer to The Purple Victoria, goddess of acceptable architecture and paint, the meeting quickly evolved into a close-range shooting match, as members fielded questions and heard suggestions from a cross-section of the community.
First, on the agenda was a suggestion that, due to increasingly odd behavior, the members of BOZO should undergo urine analysis, to determine a general state of mind. In response, a majority of members agreed to the procedure, saying they had nothing to hide and that “It might be fun”.
One dissenting member protested the proposal, saying that the sacred color purple has never been detected in a simple test of this type. The others agreed to a preliminary study of the plan. Then they spent about 45 minutes arguing about the size of the little bottle that would be employed in the tests. Later, after everyone had held the floor for the prescribed amount of time, it was decided that limited tourism procedures would be arranged but only on the honor system.
Next, the problem of discarded disposable diapers (and not plastic grocery bags) was taken up, with several members of the sanitation district warning the board about the urgency of their requests.
Second Street in Crested Butte features the old jail and town hall, two of the only structures in the village not to have ever been painted purple.
“During the peak tourist season we pick up about 1,000 disposable diapers per week,” said a garbage technician. “We’re not sure where they come from either, but they are here and must be dealt with. It’s taxing out equipment and our work force,” he continued. “We’re here to seek BOZO’s help in obtaining a permit that would allow us to use the diapers for landfill. Over on Yellow (East) River That,” he added, “could fall under the category of modern architecture?”
After extended conversation, in which every aspect of disposable diapers was examined, BOZO voted to table the matter until a plan could be formulated to study local sales figures and find out if the diapers were being brought in from the outside or if a local baby boom were to blame. One member volunteered to lobby CBMR in an effort to regulate the number of new parents that come to the resort over a given time.
That being decided, the board meeting moved onto the question of trapezoids and triangular windows and doors with an equal number of members voting for windows and against doors, but only if they are considered part of an accessory dwelling.
According to one long-time member of BOZO, “People who want triangle windows can go straight to hell!”
“…And burn in Fire Lake,” added one of her colleagues.
The discussion then moved swiftly into a debate undressing the question of just how high is high?
At that moment a local banker stood up and carefully petitioned the board to allow his building to be three feet longer and two feet higher than the 1st National Bank of Taylor Park, Jack’s Cabin Savings and Loan, Who’s on First National Bank, Snodgrass State Bank, the Teocali Credit Union and several other newly opened financial institutions in the county.
The board granted his request because he was the only bank representative to bring cookies to any of the BOZO meetings.
In closing, the board threw its whole-hearted support behind an idea to establish a Gunnison County Oceanographic Museum, which would include the Slate and East River watersheds and stretch from Taylor to Paonia Reservoirs.
Proponents of the plan say that this may be the last chance to keep greedy Confront Range developers from grabbing local water.
“The way the law now reads is that water rights are adjudicated not only by who needs it, but by who is currently using it,” said one member, “and with whales and other large creatures swimming around in there we’ll be needing all of our water. What is the status of Cherry Creek Reservoir these days?” he mused.
-Gabby Haze
Cardinals rule on Cell phone love
(Vatican) Dubbing cell phone obsession as “the new masturbation” church leaders here conclude that the neurotic action is still a mortal sin.
And what about GPS? “It sounds like a disease,” said one Cardinal “and then there is “anti-social” media where everyone is lonely since they have substituted a screen for prayer and human contact.”
The high-ranking clerics also ruled that the faithful will not be allowed access to heaven without a series of ridiculous passwords and user names.
Why are dogs allowed at Botero Parque in Medellin, Antioquia? Whose idea was that? What does Fernando Botero think of his scultures getting watered?
American Taliban followers forgiven in advance
(Colorado Springs) A leader of the growing American Taliban Church told believers not to worry about personal morality since by adhering to the strict dogmas of the organization, they are automatically forgiven up front.
Bypassing the normal channels of forgiveness, the new sect has attracted many former sinners, too busy to apply for salvation by more traditional methods. Whether the faithful might exhibit remorse was not discussed.
Speaking from his porch within the state’s first double-gated, gated community, Rev. Carl Chivington told his flock how to eat, sleep and vote if they wanted to embrace the new arrangement.
“Hell, we’d have even forgiven Judas,” he sneered. “People are far too concerned about breaking a commandment or two when they should be focused on making more money.”
Chivington, from three generations of circuit riding preachers, operates Sins Be Gone car washes all over Southeast Colorado.
“Sometimes funds from the church get all mixed up with profits from the car washes and my own personal wealth,” said Chivington, “but I’m forgiven for that too. Anyone you do not see in the pew is out fornicating, drinking and shooting drugs,” he added. There is no gray area in the eyes of righteous. You can be sure of that.” – Kashmir Horseshoe
Los episodios de I Love Lucy no se pueden detener
(Hollywood) Las proyecciones posteriores de I Love Lucy, que alguna vez fue en horario de máxima audiencia, no se pueden terminar electrónicamente y continuarán cubriendo las ondas durante muchos años, según la mayoría de las fuentes de la cadena en el sur de California. Los programas, que se han ejecutado en orden sucesivo, las 24 horas del día, los 7 días de la semana, uno tras otro, durante el último mes, parecen tener mente propia.
“Todo esto tiene un carácter encantador y, en verdad, muestra más creatividad que la que este medio ha visto desde los años cincuenta”, afirma un informe publicado. “Incluso si una entidad fuera propietaria de todas las estaciones de televisión del país, el fenómeno sin duda continuaría”.
Los episodios de Lucy comenzaron a aparecer en todas las cadenas de Estados Unidos inmediatamente después de que la Comisión Federal de Comunicaciones se vendiera, lo que permite una mayor explotación de las ondas públicas por parte de intereses especiales y ricos que buscan el control de la información. El reciente fallo de la FCC permite relajar las restricciones sobre múltiples tenencias en todo el país y abre la puerta a controles por parte de unos pocos privilegiados.
“Estos son los peces gordos que ayudaron a financiar la adquisición de Dubya”, dijo la fuente. “Ahora están cosechando los beneficios de los reembolsos prometidos”.
Según los grupos de vigilancia de los medios de comunicación, estas tortuosas demostraciones de repetición neurótica son o un intento del gobierno de distraer a la población o podrían ser el comienzo de una invasión extraterrestre del planeta.
Fuentes de la FCC nos dicen que están estudiando el problema y esperan llegar al fondo del enigma antes de que salgan los nuevos programas el próximo otoño. Mientras tanto, es Lucy o el patrón de prueba. Estaciones independientes y representantes de la televisión pública han expresado su preocupación porque sus señales están siendo interrumpidas y/o enviadas indiscriminadamente al espacio ultraterrestre.
A pesar de una ligera caída en los ratings, nuestra audiencia habitual no ha detectado los cambios de formato.
“Disfruto especialmente los segmentos en los que aparecen Fred y Ethyl (Mertz), pero no me importa todo el revuelo del club nocturno con Ricky Ricardo”, dijo un empleado de la FCC. “Simplemente no me parece real, pero soy un gran fanático de los programas policiales”.
Los defensores de los consumidores están furiosos ante estos acontecimientos, pero siguen repitiendo el mismo mantra: no aprenderás absolutamente nada mirando televisión. Hace que uno sea estúpido. Es una pérdida de tiempo. Además, insisten en que la única manera de combatir el Gran Hermano es simplemente apagar esa maldita cosa.
-Triste Feliz
POLE SITTERS FALL FOR FRANCHISE TAG
“Pollsters be damned” is their haunting cry
(Denver) He’s still up there this morning, high above downtown ensconced on a wavering flagpole, pledging to stay put until Colorado Rockies win NL West
Despite the snow, wind and rain that will surely visit over the next few months, the unidentified percher remains adamant in his pledge to stay the course.
His 3rd cousin Ed finally came down from his designated pole, suspended high above the Air Force Academy, moments after the inept Broncos beat harmless San Diego twice in December, but went back up after the Patriot loss game.
The two sitters, both season ticket holders since 1962, have been offered a myriad of premiums including sideline access and free parking at Invesco, Coors and the Pepsi Center for life if they will only come to their senses.
“This a lot of foolishness,”said one Rockies’ executive, who warned that both men could face trespassing charges and littering fines. “Sure, we lost 100 games last season but we remain grounded.”
In other news: A former Minor League franchise, the Denver Bears has announced that it is testing the waters for a return to Colorado soon. However, questionable planning and conflicts over stadium access has thrown a wrench in the works resulting in a series of exhibition games in Western Colorado during November and December with finals in Silverton January 15, unless the local moose are rutting.
Meanwhile the Rockies, expressed little concern as to potential competition over the summer months. That Weld County feedlot management had no comment other than “Eat more beef”
“We expect positive support from the residents of eastern Utah and go for the whole ballgame,” said one San Juan County keystoner. “World class skiing, a narrow gauge train and now baseball. $2 beers. $3 entry, and free after the 7th inning. That’s what baseball was and what it will remain up here.”
– Rocky Flats
“How would I have guessed that during my last hours I would sit on a rock in the starlight in a mountain laurel, explaining sexual hygiene to an apprentice in a propeller factory?”
– Allessandro Giuliani to Nicolo, in Soldier of the Great War by Mark Helprin
