Author Archive for M. Toole
Fish found in drinking water
(Ridgway) Trout, kokanee and other suspicious species of fish have been discovered in the town’s drinking water sending shock waves all the way to Denver. The intruders, some up to an arm’s length, have apparently called the pond home since railroad days.
“This is really nothing to worry about,” said one town planner. “Fish belong in water. That’s where they live.”
Despite continued reassurances, town crews were seen on the shore netting and chumming away this afternoon. Apprehended fish are to be detained at the local second hand shop where they will be sold to consumers. Other seized aquatic vertebrates are expected to remain incarcerated in cold storage until suitable homes can be found or relocation procedures are adapted at the highest levels of town gov’ment.
“If the state finds out we are harboring fish in our water supply we could lose funding for water purification,” said one planner. “Then we’d all be forced to drink gin.”
Many residents fear contamination of the water due to the curious fish population that has taken up residency. Some fear that fish could flow from the tap or clog pipes causing freezing on colder nights.
“Ick,” said one newly arrived transient from San Miguel County. “To think I’ve been drinking this water with those slimy fish swimming around in it!”
Although fish are quite normal in ponds such as this, the town has taken progressive, quantitative steps to rid the water of visitors of all types.
“We’ve considered boiling the town’s drinking water after we catch all the fish that live in it,” explained another planner. “That approach is being discussed as well as a plan to move the schools to strategic ponds in order to minimize the influence of radical fish believed to be moving freely within the general population.
“Our efforts in no way impose a threat to friendly fish or other species caught up in this recent disclosure,” continued the town source. “Fish that cooperate with the investigation have nothing to fear.”
Meanwhile bait sales have skyrocketed as vigilante groups, fearful of an end to the status quo here, have begun dropping lines from Blue Lakes to Cow Creek. Many volunteer anglers have converged on Ridgway Reservoir yesterday to show solidarity with the Lake Trout believed to be hiding there.
“We appreciate their concern,” said the planner, “but that water is consumed down valley in Montrose and Delta and does not affect our situation. Those communities have their own issues to deal with and the comings and goings of fish are not a high priority at this time.” – Small Mouth Bess
“Your knights appear yo be quite dazed.” – Joan of Arc
RESTRICTED BAGPIPE SEASON IRKS LOCALS
Noise Ordinance Prohibits Celtic Expression – Suit Filed
(Gunnison) A Division of Tartan announcement that bagpipes would be prohibited from the field in sectors 67 and 68 has drawn the ire of many citizens groups here. For decades bagpipers participated in three distinct seasons with in-state residents having first shot at bellow licenses without incident.
Happy Pipers in Skibbereen
Back then, before the feds started fooling with the seasons everyone knew what was expected of him. The deer and elk were prompt. The hunters were polite. Autumn arrived in splendid fashion with double-reed melodies reverberating from hunting camps from Baldwin to Yahoo City.
Today, bagpipes are banned in the woods due to a misconception on the part of authorities that elk tend to be hypnotized by the ancient sounds. Although the practice of calling prey with bagpipes is documented in the annals of Colorado hunting lore there is not one shred of proof that elk, or even deer have responded in person to the overtures.
“Why do you think there aren’t any elk in Scotland and Ireland today?” asked one Tartan ranger who asked to remain off record. “It’s because the Celts seduced them with the pipes and blasted them to kingdom come,” he probed. “Then they served them up with potatoes and carrots, and onions if they had them. Where do you think the term corned elk comes from?
The controversial symphonic hunting techniques, still preferred by the great unwashed, are expected to continue despite warnings from the gov’ment. Already several country and western artists have recorded bagpipe renditions of popular hunting tunes and the hot cakes are selling like discs.
“They may have outlawed bagpipes in the woods but boom boxes, generators, TVs, RVs, ATVs, gourmet chefs and secretaries are still OK,” said one record promoter. “Let them try to dictate individual musical tastes. We’ll have the FCC all over them.”
– Small Mouth Bess
Notable Spring Migrations: Ducks (June 13 – 19), marmots (June 12), Eels (date unknown), politicians (365 days) cantaloupes (June 30 – July 5), cattle (June 27 – 30), black helicopters (unmarked), tourists (June 12 – August 31). Source: Federal Observatory.
FIRST FLY OF ’24 SIGHTED
(Montrose) The first documented fly sighting of 2024 was registered by Zorro Desplants, of Delta who spotted the little buzzer near Colona Bros. Feedlot north of town. Desplants, of 67 Spider Street claims to have observed the insect on March 3 and, despite taking his good time to make his official claim, he still wins the bingo tickets, the RV jacket and the dog food. These prizes were provided by the local welcome wagon.
“I was driving south, or was it north, on Highway 50 near the dog pound when the little fly buzzed into my cracked passenger window and made life miserable for my pet marmots and I,” said Desplants, a tear forming in his one good eye. “That’s when I decided to act and nailed the culprit with a rolled up issue of The Montrose Daily Press. It was a mess.”
DesPlants a, a retired sloth trainer told The Horseshoe that the experience brought back memories of his days working in the white slave trade in Freedonia.
“The cattle drives always brought out the tough-guy flies,” said DesPlants, almost to tears again, “but we were ready for them. I hate to smash the little fellas but it was all that military training that caused the reaction. Besides that he tried to fly up my nose and at one point even walked across my can of beer. I hate bugs walking on my drinks.”
-Uncle Pahgre
Daylight Savings Could Affect Cocktail Hours
(Ouray) Colorado residents are reminded that the change from Rocky Mountain to Daylight Savings Time could seriously distort normal cocktail hours this summer.
“People engaged in that sort of thing should be aware that a small adjustment may be necessary to alleviate confusion,” said Andrea Rotweiller, of Clockmosis, an all-night-long Confront Range public relations firm hired to promote longer days and shorter nights.
Rotweiller suggests that imbibers start earlier in the afternoon and continue later into the evening at first to get comfortable with the new time and than drop back to a comfortable level by, say July or August.
“What we seek here is uniformity and a keen adherence to structured limitations and reasonable intentions. We are not booze brokers,” she said. We simply want people to manage their recreational time and that includes special occasions that might require further expansion of ritual imbibing.”
Clockmosis was quick to point out that it did not encourage or condemn the consumption of alcohol.
In a recently released statement the group insisted that it did not judge anyone.
“Drinkers will be drinkers and tea totalers will be left to their own devices,” it said.
People who do not recognize happy hour or those who tend to drink all day were not undressed by the warning and should simply go on about their business as if nothing had happened.
- Fred Zepellin
Colona Snow Closures
The following institutions are reporting indefinite closures due to heavy snows:
Colona School
Log Hill Ashram
Colona Slaughterhouse – mornings only
Carne Canyon Texaco
San Juan Horseshoe Bath and Scissors
Marigold Hill Homeland Security
Semi-National Airport – 3rd and 4th terminals only
Wildcat Creek Coiffures
Ouray County Puffball Matches
Embassy of the Republic of Fredonia
Cowboys For Horses
Pit Stop Restaurant
Snowy Peak Snow Removal
Colona Liquors is OPEN!
Stay tuned to the skies for further developments. Persons needing further assistance with
regards to survival should call the appropriate gov’ment agency or ask a fellow taxpayer for help – editor.
Snubbed clowns threaten walkout days before circus season
More than 5000 traditional entertainers in the full regalia of exaggerated makeup and ridiculous costume descended on the Pea Green town hall Thursday demanding a redressing of longtime annoyances including poor pensions, dangerous workplaces and long hours.
In addition these militant clowns say jobs are disappearing and that even small children are not coming to see them anymore.
“The days of the bearded lady and the circus strongman are waining and fiscal security is melting away,” said a spokesperson for the Clown Union. “We must be recognized as an integral part of society and the respect due to our station as the original thespians.”
State and federal sources say they have begun a re-eduction plan for displaced victims of the diminishing bigtop, aimed at retraining these fuzzy haired, seltzer bottle spraying Americans. Already a vast cross-section have undergone primary training as politicians, preachers and sports broadcasters.
One supportive entity told the Horseshoe that the strike “Cripples smiles at a time where we need them the most.
“This so-called clown protest threatens very social fabric of the nation and exposes irregularities and gaping holes in day to day survival of a misunderstood and grossly underpaid segment of our population. One can easily appraise a culture by the way it treats its clowns. When it comes to improving this sad story we are all in.”
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“One can easily appraise a culture by the way it treats its clowns.”
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Others disagree saying the clowns are spoiled and pampered while lion tamers and monkey acts bring home the bacon.
“They’ve got it good,” said one ringmaster. “We will not be intimidated by threats. We’ll just fill in the empty acts with elephants and high wire performances until these malcontents come to their senses.”
Many circus managers contend that over 100,000 Americans apply for entry level clown positions from Bar Harbor to Nogales.
“Moments after running an ad in the paper and get lines of hopefuls squeaking their horns and acting silly in the hopes of landing in sawdust and grease paint,” said one former acrobat now a three-ring executive.
“We’re tired of being taken as fools with red noses and big shoes. We are people too,” said a hastily presented list of grievances. “Seeking clarity and closure is our prime motive here,” continued the statement. “Then and only then will we return to being clowns.”
Local town council and school board officials have stepped up to volunteer to take the place of the striking performers until the matter is resolved.
– Tommy Middlefinger
