Author Archive for M. Toole
Congress Accidentally Suspends Pay
In the most recent attempt to avoid a fiscal shutdown of someone’s federal gov’ment the Senate and House have succeeded in cutting their own throats, in a fiscal sense.
Passing throngs of mindless legislation of late, the governing body has mistakenly separated its very own elected officials from financial lifelines, and terminated paychecks. The pecuniary stoppage of expected compensation affects both the Senate and the House of Reprehensibles.
Treasury Department officials confirmed that the paychecks will remain in limbo until the presiding body balances the federal budget and effectively combats future government shutdowns.
“We won’t be eligible to get next check for what could be quite a while,” said one senator from Florida.
“Thankfully we are all rich otherwise we’d be sleeping on the street or in our cars like many of our fellow Americans,” said a Congressperson from Missouri.
Insiders suggest that the legislators will simply lean on lobbyists, family connections and even unionization to survive the recent setback and maintain access to the proverbial cookie jar.
For a related post see
“Hurricane Congress Downgraded
to Tropical Storm” on Lifestyles at Risk
Missing Link Cornered at Town Hall
(Cahone) Local police here cornered an elusive shadow figure, believed to be the Missing Link, last night after a town council meeting. Details were sketchy as to what the visitor wanted or whether the mysterious stranger was simply a concerned citizen or a potential candidate for office.
“He mumbled when he spoke and would not make eye contact with any of the other people in the meeting,” said Susie Compost, mayor of this Western Colorado town. “That alone would qualify him for many elected positions around these parts.”
As the officers converged, the suspected Missing Link retreated through a hallway, jumped out of an open window and disappeared into the night.
The transparent transient is wanted for questioning related to the Theory of Evolution.
– Dag Katz
“God is a postulate. I don’t think God is interested in the verification of his existence, and, neither am I.”
– Allessandro Giuliani – in Soldier of the Great War, by Mark Helprin
Canned Laughter Pulled From Shelves
(Ridgway) Grocery stores and supermarkets will begin pulling canned laughter from their shelves Monday as part of the generically enhanced Federal Uniformity Act, passed late last night.
The presence of sound-track mirth, invented in the early Fifties and once considered an integral part of the Americana Experience, has been determined to be far too diverse for the consumer. The mandatory removal will be followed up by the release of more uniform entertainment response apparatus aimed at making the citizenry more alert to the dangers posed by foreign comics and those who point and laugh at the present gov’ment.
“It’s all about perception,” said one grocer who supports the effort. “We still have frozen chuckles and freeze-dried smirks for the die-hard but we’d like to see a populace not reliant on mindless prompts. Sheep are not known for guffawing. We need people who can decide when to laugh and what to laugh about. Isn’t that the core of Democracy?”
Persons hoping to stockpile canned laughter for the popular giggle and hooting season have until the weekend to do so. Quantities are limited.
– Melvin Toole
Who is prettier? Taylor Swift or Travis Kelce?
Although final tallies in this stirring beauty competition are far from completed, our powdered and puffed experts here are projecting that Taylor Swift has a slight lead with Travis Kielce closing some gaps since football season was completed and he had more time for personal appearances, schmoozing posing.
Beauty contests like this are important to the well-being of the nation and provide a suitable diversion for the tiny-brained when they are confronted with the often annoying, sometimes painful realization that the world is on fire.
Readers will be pleased to know that they will be the first to be notified on earth shattering results that will not be interrupted with disconcerting news from Ukraine, Gaza, presidential elections, street crime or Global Warming. Now sit down and eat your pablum. One of our corrections associates will be around to pat you on the head in a moment.
For more information on this and other stunning beauty contests call your elected officials
INSIDE YOUR ISSUE
KITCHEN KIOSK
DELICIOUS FORTUNE COOKIES
FROM DAY-OLD SUSHI
page 21
Keeping Oysters Alive in the Raw
in Kitchen Witch
COOKWARE AS WEAPON
A SWING AND A PRAYER
in Recipe Heaven
Instant Mashed Potatoes
The Ugly Lie Behind the Fluff
in The Milk Man Cometh
FUN WITH WHIPPED CREAM
AND HAND GRENADES
page 40
Next time:
More Cooking from Cannes
…Why arrange the silverware without it?
Pew Poll Robs Peter to Pay Paul
(Montrose) In the most recent Pew Poll, taken at local kneeling places over the weekend, Good holds a narrow margin over Evil. Principals in the polling admit that their survey is not entirely scientific since it targets faithful kneelers who are at least ninety percent within recognized pews.
“People with knees or feet sticking out cannot be counter, nor can people who are standing or sitting,” said one pollster. “Them that stayed in bed or don’t go to church at all have been written off and no consulted at all on these matters.”
Good, generally represented by a Supreme Power netted a 51% approval rating compared to Evil, represented by Demonic Darkness filed a 46% response. A surprising 3% remain undecided as of Monday morning.
“It’s difficult to comprehend how anyone could be undecided with all the publicity and everything,” continued the pollster who conceded that absentee ballots from beyond the grave would not be counted until after next week’s sermon entitled “Exporting Democracy”.
Although the polls have been conducted exclusively in Christian domains researchers insist they are valid.
“Some of the pagans have complained that the choices are far too limited,” said the poll source. “They’d like to see all the Hindu gods represented or maybe the Sun and the Moon as well. I’m just glad the enlightened are masterminding these returns or we’d have anarchy at the altar.”
At present respondents have the choice between God and Lucifer, with the other members of the metaphysical elite taking a back seat. Unless something major goes down between now and the final appraisal experts expect things to remain about the same.
“We’ve got a Supreme, all-powerful being who can’t seem to shake his adversary from the depths while the Evil One is impotent just so long as the Good Guy is on the heavenly throne,” said the pollster. “It’s a constant struggle that takes place in the heart of every human, every day. A stalemate of these proportions is unthinkable yet horns have been locked since First Light. It’s no wonder people are confused.”
For sale or lease: Rare photo of Joan of Arc sitting side-saddle at the Siege of Orleans.
