Author Archive for M. Toole

Aspen Whipping outlawed in three counties

Gallows Catapulting. Arborists say…”Has no place in the olympics, winter, summer or special.” In her well received pamphlet “The Reverberations of Albinos Tanning” she equates the growing popularity of the sport to phony populist movements, twisting and bending gov’ment lies, challenges to affordability and an once-healthy economy ready to snap.

Her most intense focus is allocated to the carefully choreographed assassination  of Donald Trump in Pennsylvania by MAGA and some shadowy character trespassing on his West Palm gold course. (Think: Why did trump’s ear stop bleeding so quickly? Did he strike the defiant pose before or after shots rang out?)

“There will be plenty of golf courses in hell, “ – Rev Phil Pharisee, preaching from his high pulpit on the subject of Sunday church attendance, eternal responsibility and slothfulness.

Correction – Was it really semantics?

We mistakenly blamed sarcasm in our recent story about the annoying, even toxic seaweed invasion of Mexico’s Caribbean beaches. Sargassum, the name of the offending macroalgae, is the culprit here, and certainly not sarcasm, defined as verbal irony often aimed at mocking or insulting another. Sarcasm relies on dry and bitter sharpness in its delivery. It is often accompanied with smirking and eye rolling, Satire is usually a more perennial, extensive effort, such as a novel or news story penned to make fun of society.

Meanwhile, this unwanted sargassum continues to pile up, encroaching on Cancun-like beaches threatening the tourist industry.

“Even the inmates of the cruise ships don’t like to look at it,” said one local guide. “We tell them it’s just stinky sand that has not yet been pounded into fine particles yet like the rest of the beach. We even tell them in English. Clutching their credit cards, sunscreen and insect repellent, many believe us.”

A major effort on the part of the Mexican gov’ment is underway.

“The seaweed was washed and blown down here from the north where it has been brine fodder for an assortment of marine animals that don’t instinctually congregate in the warmer water of the Caribbean Sea,” said one marine biologist. “It’s clear we need to ship the stuff back for their dinner or invite them down here for an epic nautical barbecue.”

A spokesman for the government would not comment on rumors that local mermaids have become entangled in the sargassum and that leviathans and sperm whales had vacated the premises.

The website has promised to take responsibility for this serious gramatical mismomer just as soon as the beaches return to normal and the cash registers sing again. Readers should take not that the sargassum is nothing like the algae that discolored the botched upgrade of the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool. That is called orange algae, even though it apears in a green shade and was supposed to be American flaf blue in honor to the nation’s 250-year birthday. It is clearly the result of incompetent workmanship and the spoils system awarding of a multi-millions dollar contract to Atlantic Industrial Coatings (AIC), a MAGA-loving a company that contributed heavily to the trump campaign in 2024. Massive peeling accompanied the algae growth from the beginning of the project.

Claims of communist vandalism by the White House, a desperate attempt at covering up the highly embarrassing performance on all fronts, was debunked by the Justice Department. The answer to why that branch does little to debunk other lies and blatant distractions upchucked by retches posing as standard bearers for freedom and well being is not yet back from the laundry.

–Small Mouth Bess

BARBECUED CANNABIS STRENGTHENS EXPORT MARKET

(COLONA) Barbecued Cannabis is becoming the go-to, authentic Western Colorado bud for taste and texture. The bumper crop, decreased by recent wild fires should be ready for consumption by November 1. It will be sold by the refined ounce or the crude branch formula.  Pine, aspen and cedar scent are only the beginning. The smoke is lightly smoked, not burnt – It was kind of jerked during the fires. This report does not celebrate or in no way support hate groups like “Barbecued Cannibals”, a radical carnivore movement anchored on Columbine Pass nor the far-flung political action groups in the Twin Cities of Naturita and Nucla, the West End of Montrose County. Barbecued Pot tastes good, say growers and is ultimately enjoyed with sautéed mushrooms or an ice-cold beer. Smoke Jumper approved since the Horsefly Blaze. A host of farmers told The Horseshoe that they were damned exited by this development and , faced with a plethora of smoked weed are game for the barter system. One woman ran an ad for the stuff in the popular Pea Green Peeper offering 3 kilos in trade for 1957 Chevy. Another read: Free barbecued marijuana—You pick.

-Susie Compost

Frying eggs on the pavement is not illegal, says Mañana HOA Tyrant.

HOA icon, Mike Hunt concedes that frying eggs or any other food item on the local pavement does not constitute an infraction with state or town ordinances. The strict, self-enthroned lawn juggernaut further acquiesced that normally even calm fellows and ladies had been exhibiting anxiety agitation syndrome (a term he invented for this kind of thing) and pedestrian behavior, especially on the asphalt.

“It may not be illegal but it’s distasteful, unhygienic and downright messy,” he told a group of Kazakhstani tourists, who thought he was giving away something and listened to his rambling for almost 20 minutes before disappointedly kick-starting their eclectic skateboards and vanishing into the afternoon. “It’s dirty,” he further pleaded.

“They thought he as president of something,” said one uncooperative home owner who has repeatedly threatened to drown or mutilate Hunt if he sees him out alone. The neighbor, who agreed to be quoted in return for anonymity added that “frying eggs on sidewalks is one thing while successfully flipping them sunny-side up on tricky, hot asphalt is something quite different altogether”.

He accused Hunt of toxicity at the highest levels and shared his plan to terminate Hunt by poisoning him with hemlock gummies or hurling him 200-feet off a steep cliff into mounds of bladelike, jagged skree.

Egg frying of this persuasion, followed by days of blistering heat with little rain can discolor most concrete say poultry engineers who warn that duck and goose eggs are no safer to fry in the above-discussed manner.

“This is not a homeless issue,” quacked Hunt. “This is a classic case of putting the chicken before the yolk. They’ll all be back banging on my henhouse when the snow plows can’t get through. Then we’ll see who rules the roost!”

-Pepper Salte

“My libido came roaring back the moment you entered the room.”

–Melvin Toole, to unidentified lover, August 10, 2026

Homo Sapiens Pride March infuriates Front Range Neanderthals

(Loveland) An all-day procession arranged by local Homo Sapiens has infuriated  the more militant wing of the Denisovans, a fringe genetic group once thought to have magically dissolved, or moved to the Wyoming prairie, more than 300,000 years ago.

Local authorities, who granted the parade permit last May, have remained vigilant in attempts to reassure the Neanderthals that they are not the target of century-old frustrations and ignorance as to other groups, especially those that are anthropological cousins.

“The big word here is trust,” said one city official who demanded animosity. “I myself stopped trusting humans back in 1987 but have had rather positive, albeit limited, experiences with both the Neanderthals and Denisovans, who seem to have retained a high level of integrity over the ages.”

Leaders here hope that is true and that the climate will remain peaceful. Already the parade has been rerouted to avoid meandering through Denisovan vicinages.

Social scientists attribute the calm demeanor of these human links to the fact that they did not and do not use money in their daily lives.

“These are your father’s hunter/gatherers,” said Dr. Terrence Thimball of the Pea Green Institute. “They were too busy looking for food and warmth to worry about things like bank accounts and retirement planning. Many,” he smiled, figured earth was heaven and that the metaphysics of eternal life were still an elusive and unnecessary element in their daily survival. Life itself was short and uncertain enough that the creation of  fairy tales to explain it had yet to be invented. In short, these human relatives had not figured out how to get rich on the fears of their fellows but that would soon explode into flimsy explanantions, the cornerstone in every last one of the planet’s religions.

“We must never underestimate these early humans,” continued Thimball. “Let us remember , these brave Hominims routinely faced down massive predators like charging brown bears and crafty cave lions. Imagine seducing one of these beasts from his cave then slaying it using only courage and primitive spears.

“What we’re talking about here is anatomically modern Homo sapiens,”  said one city official. Let’s hope they behave better than many of their higher human descendants.

An abundance of Welcome Canadians signs were on display along the procession until ICE/Proud Boys descended on the parade and shot them. The official explanation by the trump gov’ment is their killers were acting in self-defense.

*Many Denisovans, sporting similar DNA as the above-mentioned, chose to boycott the festivities altogether in favor of Bronco two-a-days. Critics say their cluster has no tickets and plans a massive gate crashing if the team continues to operate in the shadow of slowly and poorly developing running plays in 2026.

–Tommy Middlefinger

Weaponizing Greed

Trump Administration Admits Canceling Grants

to States That Did Not Vote for Him

-headline in NY Times July 24, 2026