Author Archive for M. Toole

Fly Swatter Handicaps Deadline Told

Attention: All Fly Swatting Handicaps are due to be registered by May 1. Failure to register your 2025 numbers could result in penalty time in a buzzing bunker next spring. Meanwhile keep your fly killer talents and potential in sync all winter. Novice classes begin in April 15.

Blue Mesa Mermaids Tough Lot

(Gunnison) The local year-round mermaid population is composed of some “rough and ready gals” according to boatmen and nautical observers here. Not only do they co-exist, eluding bothersome fishermen and hungry Mackinaw, but they handily survive the brutal winters on these stark, windy shores.

     Unlike the more “wimpy species” that inhabit the Ridgway Reservoir, Lake San Cristobal and Miramonte the Blue Mesa Mermaids exist in a tightly controlled symbiotic society where group survival is paramount.

     The aquatic humanoid sirens of the sea do exist,  although are generally salt water creatures according to the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration . How this colony of fresh water mermaids evolved is a mystery still unsolved.

     The expanding colony has been part of the ecosystem since 1966 when the dam project was completed. Mermaids here refrain from eating meat, staying up late and cavorting with humans, especially the male variety.

     “These ladies don’t even socialize with the fish much less talk to men,” said a marine biologist on loan from the Rocky Mountain Biological Weapons Laboratory in nearby Gothic. “Despite what may appear to constitute a major frustration in the onset, most mermaids say thy live simpler lives without social entanglements.

     “Most men are hopeless bores interested only in the kitchen and the bedroom,” said Sarah Finne, a human who has lived with the mermaids for 20 years. “These ladies rarely produce offspring so the colony relies on recruits from other groups and an occasional human. The transformation is a tedious process and most times it ends in disaster. I have lived here for two decades and I am just now beginning to grow a tail and breath properly.”

     Finne went on to say that most initial recruits are women who are searching for adventure and those rebounding from failed romantic endeavors. Many have had surface relationships and deep water realities do not always coincide. Due in part to survival instincts and and a keen sense of social order, the majority of these recruits don’t make it past the first swim.

     Local women are agin reminded that post-snagging season is the most opportune time to approach the Blue Mesa Colony.

     “One can view the mermaids lounging on the shore after the hunters have gone home,” said Finne. Sessions run full or half days. I suggest warm clothing and an open mind.”

– Popeye Manatee

COINCIDENCE CORNER

Former President of Brasil Jair Bosonaro went on the wagon (parou de beber) and it landed him in hiccup surgery not once but twice ?

Why are there no confiscated Maduro drugs on display as proof of the recent holy crusade? Where are they? Do thy smell like petroleum or is that a coincidence too?

Is it just a parallel occurrence that the once thriving Kennedy Center for the Arts. accidentally spelled trump with a small t. The so-called Justice Department kicked off massive manhunt for perpetrators. Many say: Is it some kind of strange coincidence that the typo occurred just as the public received the news that Sativa was added to domestic terrorist list?

Is it a just a coincidence that ICE is attempting to make thug violence look normal and preparing us for martial law?

“The only person not being investigated for the shootings of Renee Good and Alex Pretti are the federal agents who murdered her.”

Is it just a Coincidence that Cliff-Notes for Mein Kampf were found on Air Force One and smuggled to news outlet in Greenland. Apparently they had been left by mistake by an unknown reader. Were the Nazis of 1933 this stupid?

Is it a coincidence that ICE and Iran’s Revolutionary Guards eat the same thing for breakfast? Secretary of State Rubio heartily supported riots in Iran but in the US he labeled demonstrators “domestic terrorists”.

Turning Point is just another brain washing aimed at the young. Isn’t it coincidental that a crazed yet right-wing educated shooter downed Poor Charley after the latter began criticizing Israel’s genocide in Gaza?

Isn’t it strange that jingoist bullying and book burnings are just a match away as classics come under the scrutiny of little brains? Soon the US will be joining Russia and China as the third pariah to most other nations of the world.

–Tommy Middlefinger

Largest pancake continues to expand

Big Al Carpe’s Annual Food Fair over at the Federal Gov’ment began last weekend but the winning pancake batter did not adhere to closing times. As of this morning the winning pancake continues to grow, seeping and amassing, It is now more than a mile in circumference and growing.

More than 2,000 acres have already been smothered by the batter blob which takes trees and topsoil, redefining canyons and gulches along the way along its robotic trek to the sea.

“This is big” said a BLM spokesperson. But we think it’s killing some pine beetles.”

Molten lava-like surges continue to threaten the snotty beach suburbs near Sync Hole and creep steadily into the Ski Trenches toward the volatile Sun-dried Tomato Parkway, slowing Pinkyville commuters to their television sets and light beer.

Eyewitnesses report that the blob is less than five miles from the Security Fences at Badrap and only yelling distance from Haley Draw and the promiscuous oilfields of the Eurasian Abyss.

Fire departments from Cahone to Maybelle are standing by and talking heads over in Denver are sending in more butter and syrup to placate the pancake and ward off what is beginning to look like another seasonal disaster. Leaders here are fearful that the batter will duplicate itself if it reaches the dairy farms of Entrailia or the densely populated slums of the Lust River Valley.

The winner of the contest, who was not named pending notification of his creditors, would not comment on the development nor share his recipe. No charges were filed.

– Pockets Marsupial

Eternity Inc.

Here we are in the heavenly boardroom of boardrooms, perched on a corporate cloud insulated by inhumane cubicles in the prestigious neighborhood near the Pearly gates. Sitting back in vests and cigars are Michael, Peter, Gabriel, Moses, Paul and Himself, the Creator and CEO. They have just concluded a final phase of a secret merger that would destroy the dominance of Lucifer International in the highly competitive, universal soul industry. Lucifer and his thugs could finally be brought to their knees if the spreadsheet was accurate. The time had come to streamline the operation here at Eternity Inc. and raise the funds necessary to deliver the deathblow.

Peter: Let’s just sell the Holy Roman Empire franchise we bought from that crooked Dutch pirate back in 1806. It must have some market value.

Gabriel: The numbers on that particular stock don’t add up to much.

Moses: Then I suggest we sell the Red Sea property and list the condos in Egypt and Jericho.

Peter: Our Joshua subsidiary won’t care for that. They’ll perceive it as a desertion, subject to a hostile takeover.

Moses: Joshua and his people can be replaced, Sir.

Michael: If we sell the Holy Roman Empire stock, the Red Sea land, the California Angels, the New Orleans Saints and the party box at South Bend we could pull this off.

Creator: Interesting. Good work, boys. But I have to tell you that for decades I have been considering the possibility of dropping the entire project.

Michael: Do you mean the entire human experiment?

Creator: I built the joint once. I can do it again and maybe the second time around with fewer botches and less conflict. There are plenty of stars out there and plenty of anxious species. Now, tell us again, Gabriel, what exactly do our numbers say?

Gabriel: They are far from conclusive. Production has been way down since the last audit. Nothing seems to help us lower operating costs while Lucifer chips away, gaining more and more of the soul pie. Natural resources on earth are dwindling, nuclear energy has arrived and yet all attempts to introduce new technology have been resisted at every turn by these pathetic creatures. Professionally speaking I would clearly suggest at least a sellout.

Creator: And what are the projections on potential buyers?

Michael: If I may interject GF, we have made every attempt from collective bargaining to fringe holidays but the humans won’t get on the straight and narrow for nothing. After over 2000 years in the saddle we are now at the point of diminished returns. Investment ratios are out the window. Anarchy looms. Sadly, I must agree with Gabriel.

Creator: If we dump the earthly portfolio how much are we talking about here?

Peter: We have 2.3 billion invested counting future escrow, low interest loans, salaries, pensions and benefits. The whole deal can’t be worth more than 5 or 6 in this sluggish market. That means we stand to make roughly 2.5 billion and gain temporary operating capital of 2 billion.

Creator: And that’s enough to close the door on Lucifer?

Peter: By about $300,000, Sir, if non-monetary factors remain stable. We could probably borrow money from the Vatican. They still have gold from the Spanish mining incursions in Peru and Mexico in the 17th Century.

Creator: Maybe the American Pope can be persuaded to open the vault. Well, I’ve got a 10:30 tee time. I’d like you to conclude this matter this morning. Any final thoughts, Paul?

Paul: I feel our best margin is in the franchise market. I’d like to sit on it for a few decades…but the thought of crippling Lucifer? That is tempting beyond words.

Michael: Let’s not forget that we have an emotional attachment to earth. We all love weekends in Dublin or lunch with the Archbishop of Canterbury. What about the ski trips to Park City and football in the Bible belt? That said, if we sell we need tyo act quickly. No sense alerting brokers over at Lucifer.

Creator: Moses?

Moses:  I hate to be negative but I’ve been watching the place deteriorate since they built the Great Pyramids. Lucifer keeps gaining souls with the same old tired message we had 4000 years ago. If we keep it we have to revamp it. If we can’t afford to do that much then we have to let it go.

Creator: I trust your judgment boys and I’m behind the eight ball with the carpeting of Purgatory and painting those Elysian Fields. Money is tight.

Moses: Then let’s sell it to one Philistine or another. The decision has been made for us.

(Peter, Gabriel, Paul and Michael seem to concur.)

Paul: They had their chance down there on earth. Instead of relishing the paradise before them they worry about what comes after. They have missed the ferry over the River Styx.

Creator: I guess that about wraps things up. We dump it. There are plenty of lost souls that will thank us later…Now where did I leave my pitching wedge?

– Melvin Toole, Vicar, Oracle of the Blinding Light 

Artificial Intelligence

Be careful what you wish for

The other day I had to be taught how to open a newly acquired umbrella here in my cloud forest winter home. I had hardly ever used one, in fact had rarely even seen one since I’ve spent the majority of my life in the parched highlands of Western Colorado.

This inability to embrace and comprehend new technology will stand as exhibit one if anyone out there wishes to analyze the level of my cognitive processing.

Hey, I’m open to change when it is beneficial and valid. I do not embrace mindless digital beeping or scanning codes to order my lunch (with built in tipping suggestions to boot) I will not use auto checkouts at the grocery (for even a stalk of celery) since these “time saver” devices are another lunge in the attempts by Big Corp to eliminate jobs. I don’t care about the new McDonald’s menu or how Wal-Mart is saving me money since I have never consumed one or been in one, respectively.

While it may be true that I conduct business with cash and take the slow, back roads to town, I am not against change. Admittedly I don’t get all that excited about indoor plumbing unless it is a particularly cold day, and it is true that I did not sleep for weeks after the National League adopted the designated hitter rule.

Some see these conveniences as progress. I see them as anti-human. Artificial Intelligence arrives at the door in an era when society already offers too much that is artificial.

From my initial investigation AI falls into the much ado about nothing category. Does this allegedly new power dynamic simply duplicate Google or enhance GPS? Does it allow machines to think like people or encourage people to think like machines? I guess in systems analysis and rapid data collection it is a breakthrough but for most people it seems just another intrusion.

AI cannot feel, create, adapt or engage in moral reasoning. It has no heart and no soul. But maybe modern humanity places no value on these faculties.

AI has no scent, so dogs cannot detect it and cats can’t sleep in it on the window sill. Bees can’t pollinate it. Horses can’t eat it and birds can’t target it. We have yet to determine how it is received by fish or lower primates.

It methodically tracks, even stalks us too. Case in point: I told my bank I was going to be out of the country for three months and I wanted to make sure there were no geographic glitches in my debit card use. They told me not to worry “AI knows where you are.”

If there is a god of artificial intelligence he/she must be petitioned now!

Thank goodness satirical writing is reportedly not on the firing line with AI, but will our newly empowered humans be capable of digesting this and other art forms in the near future?

-Fred Zeppelin

Next month: “How I made my first million with AI”