Author Archive for M. Toole

Dinosaurs Bored to Death?

(Rangely) Scientists working in remote, rugged stretches of Northwest Colorado have stumbled across somewhat disturbing data intimating that the giant lizards may not have met their demise due to a great flood, climate change or a break in the food chain, as had been previously surmised.

     The extinct titans are believed to have suffered their last indignity in the high valleys of the Rockies and in particular near what were then the thriving caveperson centers of Sunbeam and Maybell.

     “We found fossils and prehistoric relics all over the ground here,” Said Professor Rex Tyrone of the University of Downtown Delta. “Many of these preserved treasures suggest nail biting, endless migrations, petty squabbles and depression. All of these symptoms are linked to chronic boredom and we have just scratched the Paleolithic surface.”

     Tyrone, himself a dinosaur in the halls of higher education, told The Horseshoe that these same behavior patterns have emerged within the humans species since the invention of the internet.

     “The tedious yet humdrum existence may well have caused the dinosaurs to make a hasty exit, self-destructing as early as 9000 BC give or take a few millenniums,” he explained. “The end of these reptiles can be directly related to the “too much time on his hands” postulate that we observe in RV enthusiasts, daytime TV viewers and people who hoard money.”

     The researcher went on to suggest that many dinosaurs lost their way during liar’s poker games that were quite popular throughout the Epicurean Era.

     Other scientists considering this biological and behavioral phenomenon disagree vehemently with Tyrone’s hypothesis calling it childish speculation. One added that Tyrone “couldn’t tell the difference between a Brontosaurus and a Bratwurst.”

     In his signature cool response, Tyrone suggested that his boredom theory has both metaphysical and geographic merit.

     “These charlatans should spend a Saturday night in Rangely so as to grasp the concept of dullness, monotony and ennui,” spouted Tyrone. “Just one Saturday night is all I ask and they will see that my findings take on a meaningful clarity. In a nutshell: It ain’t no Delta.”

– Gabby Haze

C-DOT DECISIONS MADE IN SANDBOX

(Denver) A majority of choices directly effecting Department of Transportation policies are made by small children according to secret documents discovered strewn along Highway 50 in Gunnison County. The decisions, often resulting in nightmares for travelers attempting to negotiate strategic regions under construction, are formulated by toddlers playing with toy trucks and steam shovels.

“These disclosures begin to shed some light on the approach to road construction,” said Rocky Flats, a retired toll road engineer and nearly the founder of nearby Sapinero Waterworld.

“When one watches road crews tear up stretches of highway at the height of summer tourist season it sets you thinking,” he continued. “Wouldn’t it make more sense to build the road in portions or work at night so as not to create such a traffic glut?”

Flats criticized the highway hierarchy but admitted that the children, unlike most DOT officials, at least had some hands on experience in the sand box.

“At least they understand the concept of space and gravity,” he said

“Nor are they afraid to get their hands dirty and they do a great job simulating the sounds of heavy equipment,” he smiled. “we can comprehend a limited attention span on the part of pre-schoolers much easier than digesting the reality of incompetence within the ranks of leading DOT bosses.”

In a related piece Colorado Governor Jared Polis announced today that future speed limits in the state would be set by members of the underworld since nobody else seems to possess a logical formula for these guidelines.

“The syndicate bosses are quite gifted when it comes to devising postulates that we all can live with,” said the governor, waving off references to corpus delicti infringements allegedly tied to highway surfacing. “Besides, the mafia generally votes Democrat, you know with the unions and all.”

Polis defended the current road widening operation, in lieu of building a four-lane highway, saying that the little kids in the sand box could not count that high. Several local critics concluded that C-DOT could not manipulate these numbers either.

– Suzie Compost

Bus Politicians Says Noise

(Washington DC  —  Chamber Pot Calling )

A controversial bill before the House of Reprehensions could result in many legislators hitting the road. Bill 2016, sponsored by brothers Oral (Fizzy Party-CO) and Rectal noise (Unitarian-CA) calls for drastic house cleaning, including forced bussing of lawmakers and strict adherence to and compliance with the mandatory budgets imposed by a cross-section of single mothers.

“Everyone agrees that bussing was a ridiculous attempt at disparity that ignored the human factor,” said one Noise brother. Chiming in, Rectal agreed saying that over 35 senators and congressmen still on the job were the mindless architects of the plan to relocate students by bussing them all over hell in an attempt to level the educational playing field.

If passed, the bill would require all members of Congress to travel (by bus) at least 5000 miles per year outside the Millionaire’s Boys Club into harsh urban and rural realities of America. To facilitate smooth movement the congressmen would be bussed into these poor neighborhoods and housed in federal projects. In addition they would be required to survive on the challenging budget of a single mother living within these confines.

Following the development, more congressmen would be bussed to middle class neighborhoods and be forced to live on the budget of these often tragic, working poor who struggle to keep one step ahead of collapse.

“We hope that the exposure to real Americans and their daily struggles might allow our leaders to stop all the double talk, the lies, the juvenile campaigning and cultivate some compassion,” flexed one sponsor of the proposal.

Opponents of the bill threatened to filibuster until concessions are made. Most favor a watered down plan to limit forays into dysfunctional schools, crime infested neighborhoods and institutional poverty.

  – Zorro DesPlants

Writer’s Guidelines Told

Of the over 10,000 queries received by mail, by fax or slipped under the barn door only 3 actually turned into anything memorable and of that 3 only 2 actually made it onto the website. The one about the magnetic healing power of Benghazi sea salt was forwarded to our sister publication in Nova Scotia, where it washed out into the North Atlantic and is now somewhere off the coast of Iceland. As a result of this sad scenario our editorial staff has surmised that the best way to deal with all the paperwork is to refuse all future submissions and just do everything ourselves. However, considering the long arm of sour public relations, (We might end up stabbed in the back like The Rocky Mountain News) and the ramifications of running this periodical like those Reds run North Korea we have decided to buck up and stay the corpse.

It is with these trials in mind that sanjuanhorseshoe.com is releasing the first app in a series of corporate writer’s guidelines to be used in conjunction with literary submissions or, in a pinch, in the cat box. Here goes…

1. sanjuanhorseshoe.com is a tightly focused website. All material loosely relates to life on this planet and should be double-spaced. Gifts can and should be included with completed manuscripts. Suggestions include Cuban cigars, exotic cordials or socially expanding orchestrations. All gifts should be wrapped in pretty colored, often festive paper. Nylons and Hershey bars will be returned to sender since they represent a long-shed sexism and ignore most male members of the staff. We no longer offer free crayons. Please stop calling whomever you may be.

2. Assignments are made at least two decades in advance of publication. Don’t send us a summer story in 2024 and expect someone to read it by 2027.

3. Pay rates vary and will usually result in the sender paying postage. Financial arrangements will windup in our favor since you’re the one who sent the story in the first place. No soliciting.

4. If you think you’re Ernest Hemingway go to Spain. Hey, we hear Italy is hiring ambulance drivers.

5. Please forward all articles to the appropriate department so that all of the editorial staff is not plagued by your art. For example: If you have a gardening article don’t send it to sports and visa versa. For a better grasp of the departmental structure of this site try reading a few stories and applying basic common sense. Do not finish your final rewrite while still in your bathrobe. At least do us the common courtesy of getting dressed, and brush your teeth.

6. All articles should be aimed at the 4 -7 1/2- year-old market and should not include words discovered last night in your thesaurus. Our editors are highly trained professionals who can identify a charlatan in the verbatim wood pile faster than a fat man lines up for the free lunch after a pancake breakfast.

7. No faxes before noon, in fact no faxes at all until November since we are currently out of fax paper. No texts. No emails. No phone calls. No telegrams. No postcards. No Spacebook. No smoke signals. No notes in the mailbox.

8. Upon impact perusal of any category the prospective contributor will find an overwhelming segment of talent running through this splendid site. Don’t expect to enter this inner sanctum of the ill-behaved intelligentsia on the heels of some semi-illiterate piece like tips on buying croutons in bulk or the singles scene in Yuma.

9. All potential contributors will undergo a blood test and will be checked for lice before a final decision can be made regarding their work. Clean credit cards and nice touring cars gain special priority in acceptance.

10. All completed manuscripts could be used for bird cage liners, puppy catches, fish wrapping, cat box liners, oil filter receptacles and paper airplanes at a moment of rage and intolerance. We refuse to return submissions and, considering the above stated options how could we, and why would you want us to do so?

11. If you are still set on writing for this publication why not just buy it and run things your way.

     We hope these guidelines will help and welcome your input.     – Your _____ Team       

Horseshoe Pleads Insanity — Beats Parking Ticket

(Crested Butte) General Kashmir Horseshoe, 149, was absolved of all wrongdoing in municipal traffic quart here this morning. He had plead not guilty by reason of insanity to charges that he had illegally parked his fire-engine red 1938 Packard on Sopris Avenue some three weeks prior.

A twenty-five dollar parking ticket plus towing charges were dismissed.

Acting as his own attorney, Horseshoe claimed that he was not fluent in foreign languages and therefore could not be held responsible for breaking the law as spelled out through a series of confusing road signs. He offered to show conclusive proof that he was clinically insane and began throwing himself around the quartroom, drooling, babbling incoherently, his eyes rolling around in the back of his head, a faraway mirk stretched across his saggy mug.

Then, after being restrained by the flirtatious bailiff, Horseshoe claimed that he was tone deaf, legally blind, psychotic, gun-shy and stupid. He added that he suffered severe seizures, on the half-hour, brought on by chronic gout and rum. He then explained the details of the evening in question and told the judge that a fine of that amount represented cruel and unusual punishment.

At that point, he proceeded to produce a well-worn, beaded wallet void of any funds. On the wallet was stitched St. Louis World’s Fair. The only thing in the crude purse was a piece of ancient lint-covered chewing gum, which he offered to the judge to take home for her children.

In Our Opinion: Dressed in a pink terrycloth bathrobe, a Union saber and unlaced Sorrels, if he was guilty of anything or any charges it was overacting.

“I find the defendant not guilty,” hollered the judge. “Now clear the quart before I change my mind and throw everyone in jail!”

Upon exiting the quartroom Horseshoe tripped on an AK-47 casing discarded on a flight of stairs and fell violently to the ground spraining his tongue and knocking his left eyelid out of kilter. He plans to sue the gov’ment for damages.

                                                                                  -Thumbellina Etchabarron

Sociable Services weighs Rockies’ impact on children

(Blake Street and Beyond) Some children as young as 5 are subjected to summer keystone barbarism say a host of academia’s and case workers here. Most do not have a choice, much less a clue, as to the behavior of the bush-league bozo Greeley meat people who show no signs of selling the lucrative franchise.

These meatheads are defrauding and defacing the national sport, a felony that lingers and festers on the warning track.

The performance of the baseball franchise sends a dangerous message to kids: It’s OK to perform poorly, with no heart and soul just so long as the money keeps rolling in. Children need heroes and the meat people let All-Star infields walk in favor of profit. This is not some hedge fund. This is baseball and baseball is sacred, especially to little tykes, who fall asleep with their gloves tuckled under the covers.

The only way to change that is through strict boycott of attendance and especially the purchase of clothing and other Rockies-related souvenirs. STOP SUPPORT! When the money train can no longer rach the station they will sell the franchise.

Here’’s more:

1. Often children, traumatized by the late innings cry themselves to sleep grind their teeth during the night . Endangerment of children is often the result when endearing turns to enduring. Exposure to extra innings continues to perplex doctors and dentists.

2. Children could be removed from the domicile in extreme cases such as double-headers and blind reliance on relief pitching. One Rox fan was recently acquitted but not before the judge issued a stern warning. “Maybe the Orioles or the Dodgers…?

3. Cases of kids that get lost in to the bureaucracy  might have to wait until Bronco season concludes to be further evaluated. 

“Fortunately, and to the great relief of sports sociologists, football teams only play once a week but the impact can also be long lasting and sometimes detrimental to future development,” explained one human behavior expert. “Baseball, like basketball and hockey presents so many games that it is difficult to measure the damage until the late innings when the clown show falls apart,

– Gabby Haze