Author Archive for M. Toole
TVs for food program progressing nicely say officials
(Yellow Jacket, CO) Residents and visitors alike in Montezuma County are encouraged to trade in their unwanted, unused and unsafe televisions for food. A stray cat to the many heralded guns for food programs, this new plan promises discretion, privacy and a fair price for one’s television set..
For decades social scientists and educators have screamed and hollered for television control but networks, manufacturers and lobbyists have consistently snuffed out their pleas. Today in a small Colorado county activists have succeeded in getting some 300 potentially dangerous televisions off the streets.
“The gov’ment seems only too happy to ignore us,” said one activist. “They say television is an entertainment tradition and provides the most sophisticated communication known to man. But we all know that it is the catalyst, the heart and soul, of the well-documented Numbing of the Nationals Program.”
The NNP is a secret gov’ment agenda which calls for the lowering of the IQ some twelve points by 2018 while raising militant testosterone and diverting significant nurturing hormones.
“Without television the gov’ment could never pull it off. People would function at a much higher level during evening hours and find that there is better entertainment inside their heads than on the tube,” continued added another acutely unreliable street source.
Concerned with what they say is approaching French Revolution standards in many neighborhoods throughout the country, leaders here shared the common consensus.
“Today television is probably much more harmful than firearms,” said Ashly Toallas-Towel, allegedly a county commissar. “If the feds really wanted to control violent behavior they would look toward the TV screen for some answers. Relationships, family, success and yes, handguns are depicted as options of no consequence. TV sends the wrong message plus too many hours gives the viewer a fat ass to boot.” she stressed.
Apparently the status of the television sets is not important. But like the gun exchange certain models will demand more at the grocery. For instance a regular 19-inch color set might bring a bologna-velveta-canned beer menu while an Flatscreen HD set may net groceries for the T-Bone-lobster tail-nice bottle of wine taste.
“We don’t care if they work or not. There’s nothing on worth watching until Bronco season anyway,” said a deputy. “We just want these things out of houses same as we want guns off the street.”
It is estimated that everyone in the county owns at least two weapons
Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!
“We need our guns. It’s the televisions we’d like to be rid of,” continued the deputy.
Critics of the program insist that it is just the beginning of “full government control over every aspect of our daily lives.
“Criminals don’t trade in televisions. It’s responsible television owners doing that!” said an unidentified spokesman for the National Television Association. “How you gonna watch American Idle or NASCAR without a TV set in your house. What if an intruder forces himself in demanding to watch the five o’clock news? Then you’ll be sorry.”
The relinquished televisions will be destroyed nightly so as not to fall into the hands of terrorists or bankers,” peeped Toole.
“Most arsenals are inadequate to throw back a gov’ment gone mad anyway, so we might just as well eat up.”
In a somewhat related development the United States Congress today announced that it is in unanimous agreement as to the implementation of stricter gun control measures, for South Asia and The Mideast.
– Susie Compost
Women’s Prison Gets Nod
(Ridgway) Local bachelors here favor the construction of a women’s minimum security prison by more than three to one according to a recent poll. The facility could house up to 400 persons, all of whom would qualify for work release, community integration and assorted social placement.
The initial blueprint for the much discussed rehabilitation complex threatens to polarize the community with one side suggesting that the preliminary plan will have negative impacts and the other insisting it will boost the local libido and, as a result, the local economy.
Local bachelors and other special interest groups came out in strong support of the development which could be built as early as 2014. At the present no exact site has been determined.
“I wouldn’t worry too much about any new residents at this point,” said one county commissioner. “We’ve got a long way to go and negotiations are dragging. Remember the Dallas Project and the plan to flood downtown Ridgway back in the 70s?” – Angel Seraphim
STALIN’S MUSTACHE TOUR RETURNS TO WESTERN SLOPE
The well received Joseph Stalin Mustache Tour will once again grace Western Colorado this summer with tentative stopovers in Mancos: July 26; Paradox: August 6; Cahone Whisker Days: August 12-13; Paradox: August 22; Glade Park: September 7; Sunbeam: September 16; Cowdrey: September 23; Dotsero: September 25: Bowie: September 30: Gladstone: October 4 and Spar City: October 29. Please be aware that Stalin’s mustache will be in the state for about four months with little to do during the day when it is not performing. Please treat our visitor with respect no matter what your politics may be.
SMOKEY, WOODSIE BLAMED FOR BLAZE
(Silver City) After spending tens of thousands of dollars searching for an appropriate scapegoat, the Department of the Interior today pointed a fat, flabby finger at Smokey Bear and Woodsie Owl, blaming the two for a massive forest fire that destroyed a healthy portion of the The Gila National Forest.
Moments before the accusations flew, both the bear and the owl disappeared. An anonymous tip puts Smokey at Lake City, Colorado as of last night, but the owl’s whereabouts remain a mystery.
“That little bastard, Woodsie the Owl, has had it in for the Forest Service since we approved logging in old growth forests in the Pacific Northwest,” said Kindle Tinderbox, Director of Controlled Burning for what’s left of the New Mexican forests. “If we catch him he’ll wish he’d never been hatched.”
Tinderbox is certain that a conspiracy exists among the forest’s winged creatures. That plot centers around efforts to bring down the present authority by making the federals look stupid and incompetent.
“Although he’s not a spotted owl he’s every bit as dangerous,” spouted Tinderbox. “We have footage of him hugging trees and everything. How the usually docile bear got sucked into this quagmire is not clear at the present time but we have agents out there looking into that.”
Critics of Forest Circus procedures say the animals are only convenient targets aimed at taking the heat off the top brass who would rather take an extended lunch than keep an eye on what’s happening in the woods under their noses. They add that the Forest Service doesn’t need any help to look stupid.
“For years Smokey has been coming to work with his heralded shovel, digging fire lines, stamping out blazes while most of these bureau desk jockeys line up around the coffee pot,” offered Orville R. Schmelte, of the Siesta Club. “Woodsie, who admits his lack of natural fire fighting prowess, has functioned as a courier in fires from Oregon to Arkansas since the mid-Sixties. How desperate can the Forest Service be to land the blame?”
A house to house search for the two is expected to commence tomorrow with Colorado, New Mexico and Utah pinpointed as likely hideouts. Forest Service officials insist that these maneuvers will in no way affect porta-potty maintenance or the erection of new signs on public lands. – Rocky Flats
Dog Restaurant Opens in Butte
(Elk Ave) The first-ever restaurant catering solely to canines has opened its doors here. Offering new-kibble and quasi-continental cuisines, the eatery exudes a strong dogmatic ambience, even if the motif is a bit contrived. The spacious upstairs bone bar is adorned in antique fire hydrants accented with felt paintings of dogs playing poker.
“It’s actually more of a bistro,” said owner Dag Katz, who has spent the better part of his life feeding dogs.
Opening night came off without incident as most tail-wagging patrons were on their best behavior. The restaurant insists on harmony and tranquility and will not tolerate obsessive barking, petty squabbles or fur-raising fights.
“Actually it is a bistro,” said Katz.
Pet owners are banned from eating here plus, as anyone can clearly observe, the menu is not focused on humans. Entrees run from Scraps Florentine to Pavlov Stew to Scrambled Brains Doggie-Style, with a host of bacon and biscuit appetizers and sinful frankfurter desserts. Although the popular Chihuahua goulash sounds a bit morbid, it sells out every evening.
The restaurant hopes to offer hound sushi and an expanded whine list over the winter.
“It’s a bistro, damn it,” snapped Katz who plans to open a café for cats in October.
Katz is perhaps best known as the inventor of the pet alarm clock, which he says provided him with the necessary capital for this innovative project. He is currently working on a canine cookbook called 100 Recipes for the Dog Dish. – Slim Tinkleholland
DISPUTE WITH SWISS COULD COST OURAY
(Red Mountain Pass) The Swiss government today filed suit against the town of Ouray over a series of alleged copyright violations. The action focuses on the continued use of the slogan Switzerland of America and a web address domain that the Europeans insist have been previously registered.
Attorneys for the town of Ouray have been rather candid in response saying that Ouray should settle out of a quart before the Swiss start pulling out their versatile (and lethal) little red knives. They suggest that the Colorado town offer Switzerland several smaller peaks, free tickets to Box Canyon and a player to be named later.
More on this if it develops.
