Author Archive for M. Toole
Attempted Brook Burning Backfires
Failed attempt at brook burning nestles fears in Bible Belt. Brook burning is on the rise in the United States as self-righteous intellects collide with…oh…that awkward notion…again…Freedom…in the bedroom…in the library. Above we catch the action moments before a massive sunami landed right smack on top of these four soggy brook burning puritans, sweeping them away with the liberating current.
Bad rosin bags blamed for losses
(Denver) Decomposed, often spoiled rosin bags handled by the Colorado Rockies’ relief staff are being blamed for a string of blown saves at Coors Field.
The bags, filled with powdered resin from pine trees, are designed to enhance a pitcher’s performance while on the mound. However, according to baseball experts “the employment of rancid or bad rosin can have adverse effects causing inconsistencies, lack of concentration and general wildness on the part of otherwise stable hurlers.”
The problem, says the front office “is particularly acute in the later innings when relief pitchers are most active especially when afternoon heat or evening shadows come into play.”
Officials within the Rockies’ organization have been searching for some explanation as to poor pitching performances of late which have taken the club out of contention by mid-June. Plans to secure new rosin bags are in the works but with plummeting attendance figures and a demanding payroll it will be weeks before they can be secured. Selling advertising space on the bases and charging extra for mustard at the hot dog stand has been discouraged by the league and can’t relied upon to provide new revenues.
Asked why the presence of bad rosin bags has not resulted in a breakdown in opposing bullpens, a Rockies’ spokesman said he was looking into that.
“Maybe they bring their own,” he said, “or loading up the ball with chew or some other controlled substance when the umpire isn’t looking.”
-Jack Spratt
Women wins lottery, gives cash to cats
(Norwood) Murial Armbruster used to live on cans of tuna and tins of condensed milk which she shared with all the stray cats in the neighborhood. Now, days after winning 4.3 million in the Colorado Lottery, she’s eating lobster and most of the local cats are rich.
That’s because she gave away all of her winnings to the kitties.
“I set up little trust funds for the cats so that they would never have to go without again,” she sighed. “I could have given it to my relatives but they’re all just a bunch of drunks and would waste the money on cheap beer and Nascar.”
Armbruster said it made her feel good that the cats still roam the neighborhood, begging food and a place to sleep, just as if nothing had happened.
“The dumb bastards don’t even know they’re rich, she cackled.
The wealthy winner has moved her double-wide to the sunny side of Grand Avenue and has even purchased a small plot of land (loaded with rodents) on Norwood Hill for her charges.
“OK, so I didn’t get so much as a card of thanks from any of them but in their own way they have shown that they are grateful.”
Excelsior Resumes Flights
(Sapinero) Excelsior Airlines, The Airlines Without Chairs” has resumed a roster of popular domestic flights as of this weekend promising to continue to provide fine upstairs service at bargain basement prices.
Included on the daily flight schedule through hunting season are: Nucla to Naturita (10 am and 10 pm), Ophir to Gladstone (12:30), Colona to Paradox (3 pm and 5 pm) and Pea Green to Peach Valley (8 am and 8 pm unless it rains).
The much publicized Sunday morning champagne flight from Bostwick Park to Cimarron was temporarily suspended when it became apparent that the plane had been piloted by two six-year-olds who did not possess proper credentials. According to insiders the two managed to see over the control panel by sitting on copies of the San Juan Horseshoe.
“The kids did a great job,” smiled Answan McDermitt, president of Excelsior. “The real reason we stopped making the trek was that we couldn’t find a source for fresh oysters and horseradish.”
– Pepper Salte
GOP slaps gag order on Trump
The Republican Party today announced a strict gag order aimed at tempering both Donald Trump and JD Vance. It is the first attempt to control recent mouth damage emanating from the two candidates.
Targeting sinking poll numbers among women, minorities and independents the GOP appears intent on silencing what it calls destructive, sloppy, racist, vulgar and vain attempts by the former president to shoehorn himself into the limelight.
The briar attack dog JD Vance, whose wistful, pseudo-religious attempts to take the nation back 100 years, have set off alarms from Idaho to Alabama, was reportedly warned that he “could be replaced’, according to a Senator who demanded animosity.
These two have overstepped themselves within a political party often quite happy to ignore such ugly rhetoric if it means assuring an American Taliban administration in Washington.
Both gag orders come with fiscal penalties for non-compliance. Trump and Vance have been shown red cards and may not be able to campaign again until October. One more infraction could put them in the penalty box for 10 to 20.
Fears that childless cat ladies are arming themselves and that voters are tediously tired of listening to bullies, the Republicans “hope to mellow the message” according to the same Senator. Several cheered the move, pointing to a overdue purges and a serious house cleaning in 2025.
Maybe we could return to the days when we actually stood for something,” said the source.
In a related piece Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump would be seated in coach on the first manned Martian voyage slated for 2026. Both expressed disappointment in the arrangement and at the exclusion from a more privileged perch. They expressed concerns about window seating, persons of color on the spaceship and missing a connecting flight due to the proletarian seating.
-Muriel Armbruster
BLM Forfeits Rights To Sagebrush
(Gunnison) A federal judge today ruled that the Bureau of Land Management was no longer custodian of over 340,000 square miles of sagebrush that currently calls Colorado home. The action came after several mistrials and appeals on the part of the gov’ment.
“Sadly enough the BLM was spending more time driving around in its monster pickups than adhering to the needs of the sagebrush population,” said Judge Roy Entwhistle in his final statement. “The entire crop was in bad shape, covered in dust, unable to get ample water in the dry months, left out to freeze in the flatlands during the winter.”
Saying he favored a mandatory banishment for mistreatment of nature, Entwhistle succumbed to public pressure and let the BLM off with a light probation. The orphan sagebrush will be adopted by private ecological groups, funded by the idle rich, and nursed back to health like so many rescue dogs.
In a related case the same federal agency is under fire for its treatment of prairie dogs, skunks, mosquitoes, flies and, of corpse, sage hens. If convicted the entire work force could be disbanded, the species in question moved to foster care in Wyoming and New Mexico.
“I’m glad we have this matter behind us,” said Entwhistle. “It’s far better than having it in front of us.”
Dionysus to speak at Pavilion
(Montrose) Dionysus, the Greek god of wine and fertility will speak at the Montrose Pavilion on September 31. Undressing the subject of a sour public mood of late, the famous god is expected to lay out a plan of action tapping his creative/intuitive power.
“People aren’t happy like they used to be,” said Dionysus when contacted at his home in Crete by this very website. In the United States the situation is chronic. We think it’s all that creeping Puritanism and the greed. Many of these persons are so worried about questions that they embrace solutions and explanations that fall short of the truth.
Dionysus suggested that people take their heads out of their butts and look at the bigger picture examining the benefits of orgiastic religion, the fertility of nature and continuous wine tasting.
“The Greeks followed my advice and that culture persevered for thousands of years,” said the god. “What has happened in the U.S. is mind boggling.”
The god pointed to two cult practices that are particularly dangerous in a free society: the mindless acceptance of religion fairy tales and the belief that demagogues have their best interest at heart, only because they say so.
-Fred Zeppelin
Impunity and immunity:
Immunity is typically used in a legal or medical context to refer to protection from disease or prosecution, while impunity is usually used to describe protection from the consequences of an unlawful act.
Journalists wed at Coors
(Denver) Melvin O’ Toole and Belle McToole were married last night somewhere left of center at Coors Field. The happy couple were congratulated by friends and the 35,000 Rockies’ fans in attendance.
Immediately following the ceremony Mel announced that he would drop the O preceding his surname if his new bride would drop all pretension about the evening.
“I saw her eyeballing the young pitching staff they have out here,” quipped O’ Toole. “She has a wandering eye and a frightening sinker but its the knuckle curve ball that landed this sailor.”
Then, just as the couple had guzzled their third beer, O’ Toole (now Toole) was hit in the forehead with a line drive and required medical attention. After an instant replay camera was consulted it became apparent that Toole had not interfered with play and he was allowed to remain in the stands. Fortunately it was only a flesh wound and he was right back up at the bratwurst stand by the third inning. He plans to go on the DL list after the couple’s first spat, scheduled for October.
(editor’s note: The Rockies’ relief staff took up a late hour collection and purchased a previously owned 4-slot toaster for the Tooles which will be presented at home plate at the end of the season.
Spatial Profiling Irritates Obese
(Malfunction) The nation’s “large” have filed a suit against the Malfunction Police Department claiming officers there discriminate against people of girth. The complaint details repeated occasions where police have pulled people over just because they are overweight. Attorneys for the corpulent say the practice of spatial profiling is to blame for the mistreatment.
“This is unconstitutional,” said Morgan Ample, of Fruita. “The cops are singling us out because we’re different. By percentage, plump people don’t commit any more crime than the skinny ones do, yet I don’t see the cops harassing them.”
“If I observe a 300-pound driver high centered on the highway I will damn well pull him/her over,” said one cop who asked not to be identified. “It’s a dangerous situation not to mention the wear and tear on the road. I have nothing against obese people of any race, color or creed, but when mufflers drag and set sparks along the asphalt I will swing into action.”
An official police department desk officer, weighing in at over 300 pounds, refrained from comment on the matter.
– Earl Macadoo
