Scientist Baffled by Almont Triangle

(Taylor Park) Scientists here remain bewildered by a series of unexplained activity within the infamous Almont Triangle. For the past 25 years there has not been one fantastic, uncanny or bizarre incident observed or reported. Nothing has been lost. Nothing has been found. Nothing much has happened at all. It just sits there, a phenomenon to be sure, but only in a natural sense.
“Those guys down near Bermuda have all the press, all the attention,” said Professor Wanna Boy Hirsch of the often-sanctimonious Institute of Seismic Delusions. “They have an active triangle that regularly gobbles up ships, airplanes, lord knows what else.
“We, on the other hand are stuck with this impotent, albeit beautiful piece of real estate, populated by giddy eagles and cavalier mountain goats, who, quite frankly couldn’t give a damn if our whole monitoring system self-destructs by morning.”
Hirsh admitted that the area exudes charm and wilderness unparalleled in the Lower 48.
“But what we’re looking for is a triangle that might eat an occasional tourist or a boatload of rafters,” he said. Then maybe we’d get some headlines. Maybe we’d get funding for our continuing research budget.”
Hirsh and an assortment of carpetbaggers associated with the triangle have purchased most of the vacant adjoining private land nearby. They plan to create an Almont Triangle theme park, if they can gain approval of the Department of the Posterior, reputedly located on the Easy Coast of North America.
“Just wait until Hollywood gets wind of our struggle” he smiled. “Imagine how they will portray this pristine region on the big screen!”
Critics suggest that Hirsch, the Institute of Seismic Delusions and the Department of the Posterior are nothing more than blemishes on the teenage nose of the nation. They are calling for a dermatological moratorium on any new studies until the old studies are adapted.
“There’s nothing wrong with our triangle as it is,” said one geologist who keeps rocks. “If it were a square or circle and we would embrace it in likewise manner.” – Roaring Judy