Author Archive for M. Toole
Visitors May Take Three Cups of Snow in 2014
(Lake City) Due to high-yield snowfall late in the season, summer visitors will once again be allowed to take small amounts of snow home with them this year. The allotment of three cups, up from two cups last year and one in 2012, is per family unit.
The procurement of the legal amount of snow is bound by the honor system and climatologists hope that gatherers will cooperate so there is enough snow to go around.
Anyone suspected of selling the perishable white stuff in snow-challenged regions of the country could lose snow-gathering privileges for life. Those collecting yellow snow will be reprimanded and turned over to mental health officials for observation.
– Marianne Marvelous
Solar Appearance Frightens Hill Tribes
(Puncheon Head) The presence of a “great ball of fire in the sky” this morning has sent local hill tribes scurrying for cover. After three weeks of solid moisture Morningstar Walkingstick, of the Ghete-Bennie Group, said his people had become so accustomed to rainfall that the brightness caught them off-guard.
“We were concerned that an entire generation might not experience life in the sun,” said Walkingstick, who readers may remember from the popular Coppertone Tanning Oil commercials in the Sixties.
The medicine man, a powerful chief in the often cannibalistic Ghete-Bennies, explained that most of the adult members had simply accepted the necessity of carrying an umbrella to work and the donning of boots made from ground corn and discarded snow tires.
“Although the additional wardrobe clashed with our ceremonial getups we seem to have managed well,” he smiled. This is supposed to be high desert but with all this rain we have wash boards on the racetrack and frogs in our wigwams.”
Meanwhile in other weather-related stories: Melvin O’Toole, executive town manager pro tem of nearby Wimpton has been handed his walking papers due to a daytime fireworks display held over the weekend. The show, generally reserved for after dark, featured almost two hours of fireworks which angered townsfolk in this jerkwater villa (once the summer estate of Giuseppe Garibaldi), perched high above the rocky shores of Peach Valley.
Toole, who had insisted that the fireworks show (which cost taxpayers almost five thousand dollars) would be intrinsically the same day or night, felt that parking problems and wild animal attacks could be alleviated by a little innovation. Always one to land on his feet, Toole has already accepted a position promoting flu shots for the American Medical Association. – Dinty Moore
Worst Cup of Coffee Eludes Slope Group
(Bland Valley) A quasi-political wing of the outlawed Club Zero continues to pursue the Worst Cup of Coffee on the Western Slope, a fleeting endeavor that critics say has little significance and even less substance.
The aversive accolade, citing the most terrible hot beverage status, is based on taste, texture, color and digestive capabilities. One of the least coveted culinary awards, it was established to give special recognition to those who disregard or neglect savor in presentation. Participation is limited to restaurants and hotels.
After several weeks of balloting there have been only three valid entries, two from a cafe in Mack, Colorado and the other from Chemo-Corp, owner and operator of Hot Breakfast Food Processing which manufactures 60% of the complimentary breakfasts offered in motels in the region.
If the vote were taken today Grady’s Gravy Heaven, in downtown Mack, would win thumbs up even though the electoral turnout has been sparse.
“The recycled toothpick-beehive hair cuisine offered has been the subject of health departments since the 50s,” said one Rifle food writer, “yet the doors remain open. Proprietors have admitted to serving coffee made last week along with its flagship meat specials, hermetically sealed in authentic airline cellophane. What a place to bring your friends from out of town!”
“People are too busy this time of the year to concern themselves with quality,” said one Club Zero officer. “Many would not recognize the difference between gourmet brews and dirty dish water.”
In response to the low turnout the sponsors of the contest have extended the deadline through December, with a cash prize supplement. Entries from the household sector will not be accepted although organizers say that they are considering the addition of this category in 2014. Anyone nominating an entity will automatically receive a 4-piece mixed set of stained imitation china cups in the mail.
Employees of corporate coffee interests are not eligible for prizes.
Dark Timber camping spot
Dark Timber on the West Fork near Owl Creek Pass
Viagra Opens Electric Garage Door for Ash Mesa Man
(Delta) Ben Almonne used to have trouble with his automatic garage door, which refused to respond to his remote device in the car or even brute force exerted vertically by the 250-pound man.
That was before he started popping a few Viagra.
“Now all I have to do is stand there and the garage goes up smoothly without further incident,” he laughed. “I never expected this.”
Although several physicians remain skeptical Almonne has showcased his newly acquire talent for friends and local authorities who confirmed that Almonne had no tricks up his sleeve, or down his pants for that matter.
“It was really quite astounding,” quipped one neighbor. “I always saw Ben as a milquetoast, a wimp, but now he’s taken on a whole new presence. My garage door works great but if it ever malfunctions you can damn sure bet I’ll be talking to my doctor.”
Leaders in Delta County are expected to inspect the entire sideshow next week in hopes of determining some course of action.
“We can’t have people opening garage doors this way,” said one councilperson. “What will the neighbors say?”
Unreliable sources in the shadow of Grand Mesa say civic sources are at odds over whether to laud Almonne as a pioneer in drug technology or burn him at the stake. – Sergio D. Jingles
