NECKTIES WEAKEN EYESIGHT SAY DOCS

(Minneapolis) Surgeons at the Mao Clinic here warn that wearing neckties can cause diminished eyesight and even result in brain damage. Statistics compiled from over 4000 test cases here in Minnesota clearly show that persons accustomed to wearing ties were far more likely to suffer from paranoia, neurosis and were severely lacking in general prudence.
According to the New Mexico Journal of Medicine: “If ties are consistently worn around the neck in the fashionable method thy can and will cut off the needed supply of blood to the brain, resulting in a host of medical complications, most notably the ultimate complication…premature curtains, or death by strangulation.
Persons falling into this subjective category can significantly improve their chances for survival by loosening their ties, the top buttons of their shirts and quitting their white collar jobs at first chance. Women who have taken to wearing ties and other symbols of male power are hereby warned to stop the aforementioned silliness before they too are victims of this curious disorder.

US Constitution to Appear on Talk Show Circuit
(El Lay) The United States Constitution, with its sidekick the Bill of Rights, will appear on a host of television and radio talk shows in an attempt to remind Americans of its continuing saga and surprising survival after over two centuries of coordinated attacks by government and corporate interests.
Promoters of the tour de resistance say the exposure will insure that the document is not entirely discarded by these control groups in the immediate future. The Constitution, which guarantees almost all the basic rights enjoyed by Americans, will appear on Late Night with Letterman on July 25 and Oprah Winfrey the following afternoon. It will travel to the Conan O’Brien Show on July 30 and pay a quick visit to the Jay Leno program on July 31.
Constitutionalists from all walks of life fear that the archive is in jeopardy due to the same-old-song of Presidential candidates and a right-of-center Supreme Quart which has grown hostile to individual rights. Many expect the exposure to fare well for the documents even though the television audiences would probably prefer to see a pretentious actress in a short skirt or a bumbling sportsman with gold chains and a winning smile.
“We may see the Constitution chat with Ellen DeGeneres, Maury Povich and even Jerry Springer if that’s what it takes to get the point across,” said Melvin Toole, of the Liberty Coalition which is staffed by bored liberals with nothing much to do.
Toole, himself of daily constitutionals, boasts a proud history in matters of innovative speculation, his great-great grandfather having been invited to sign the Declaration of Independence back in 1776. Sadly the elder Toole was preoccupied with boozing, gambling and illicit women and missed the meeting at which the pronouncement was inked. Citing “irreconcilable circumstances” he then asked that the entire signing be restaged (so as to include him) only to be angrily shouted down by more polished members of the standing gallery.
“The old fellow did manage to autograph a tattered scorecard during the Whiskey Insurrection of 1794,” said Toole. “Later in 1804 he signed the much maligned Victoria Regina Ordinance which paved the way for French Canadians to compete in intercollegiate athletics.”
Joining the Constitution and the (Just call me) Bill of Rights on the talk shows will be the Code of Hammurabi, The Indian Vedas, The Torah and the Magna Carta Dancers. H. L. Menoken

Ex-Governor Toole Feeling Fine After Amputation
(Cody, WY) Former Wyoming Governor, Melvin Anastasia Toole was pronounced to be in good condition after the emergency amputation of his head. The radical surgery was employed after attempts to halt the spread of infectious thinking failed at the eleventh hour, according to hospital accountants.
The said infection, which ran from Toole’s mouth to the politician’s occipital muscle and onward through his cerebral flax, was found to have degenerated beyond reasonable therapy and doctors quickly agreed to amputate the offending member, or in laymen’s terms throw out the baby with the bath water.
Besides the primary infection Toole was found to have exhibited chronic gout breath and hints of frontal gangrene.
“I had no idea that I was in such shape,” laughed Toole hours after the procedure. “Had I known I was walking around with all of those parts in my head I might have been more careful.”
Doctors, at the urging of political officers here, had been treating the malady with heavy doses of television in an attempt to shock the patient back into the prescribed fold.
“The governor stubbornly rejected our remedies and continued his attempts to sabotage the status quo,” said Dr. Simon Lackluster, attending physician at the Mao Clinic here. “When he hurled two television sets through the window and trampled another in his bedroom slippers we had had enough and decided to cut.”
Toole had only recently alarmed allies and colleagues in Laramie when he suggested that government stop lying to the people and work for the common good of all.
“Those, my friends, are the words of a monster, a bad apple talking that must be removed from the barrel,” quipped Lackluster. “I didn’t spend all of those years in medical school for anyone’s common good.”
– Rex Montaleone