Author Archive for M. Toole

Obama Chose Biden For “Peace and Quiet”

Direct from the Democratic Natural Committee – November 13. 2014
Sources at the White House confirmed whispers that President Obama’s pick for Vice President, Joe Biden, was based more on comfort than practicality.
Obama apparently decided on Biden because he was chilled and minded his own business, say close aides who added that the assessment was pretty much right on and that the arrangement was common knowledge since the first convention.
“With all the stress associated with the position of Chief Executive nobody needs some hyper-active, chat-happy, know-it-all,” said Charlie Charles. “The calm, collect listener is rare in the annals of Irish politicians.”
Close friends say Biden is one of the most relaxed people in Washington.
“Sometimes we think he has dozed off and the next thing you know he moves his head or scratches his nose,” said a former intern.
Some days the entire White House staff takes a nap in Joe’s office and spills out onto the West Lawn, leaving diplomats and White House staff perplexed but often quite relaxed. Reportedly the only rule is: No talking.
“Imagine trying to get in a nap with Dick Cheney or Al Gore running around pushing their agenda. Nobody would get any sleep.” the intern continued.
Meanwhile, House Republicans blamed Obama for controversial early hit-the-sack parameters for junior/freshman representatives and, in some extreme cases, no bedtime stories or tuck-ins at all.
– Rex Montaleone

COMBINED CANNING COMING

(From the back door of the Gunnison Times — November 13, 2014)
(Gunnison, CO) Sources at a plethora of state agencies say 2015 will see a combined canning season in Colorado. The increase in canners over the past five years has dictated the change.
“The number of canners here has increased from 18,498 to 29,488 since 2009, boasted Louella Hatchett of the State Canning Observatory in Parlin. “The days of separate seasons are all but over. It’s just too difficult to control the practice when undocumented people are coming out of the woodwork.”
The Colorado Division of Wildlife concurs, saying it will begin issuing combined canning licenses as early as May in an attempt to reel in rogue canners and vegetable hoarders. Canning related accidents and petty violations have risen almost 15% in five years.
“It’s time we screw down the lid and store the old practices for posterity,” continued Hatchett. “We intend to milk the out-of-staters so they don’t have any money to spend with local merchants who are just a bunch of privileged rich people who go on vacation every winter.”
Canners from all over the world descend on Colorado in the fall searching for erotic plants, magic mushrooms and edible rocks.
“Reloading has become a common practice since the invention of the henway in 2000,” she said. “We intend to get our piece of that pie as well.”
Since 1997 the SCO, in conjunction with the FDA, the DOW, the ATF, the EPA, the AEC, the MFT, the ACLU, the LBJ, and Homeland Security, has been tagging cans and monitoring health, breeding and migratory patterns of tomatoes and peppers.
“We’re reinvesting a good portion of the money collected to establish a strict regiment in dealing with an array of storage receptacles, just as we do with the king’s deer,” explained Hatchett. “So far our researchers have pumped $200,000 into the kitty to confirm that these canning devices are immune to disease, sterile and relatively immobile.” – Suzie Compost

Electoral college eyeballs Montrose

(Western Colorado — November 13, 2014)
The city of Montrose has been named as a possible site for a new electoral college, scheduled to begin classes as early as January. Thanks to a private grant the college will be built somewhere in rural Colorado. Since March a group of distinguished regents and provosts have been busy examining the pros and cons of each potential location.
After serious reservations, due to problems associated with a state college appointment here in the Fifties, and to the demise of the Colorado Mountain College that was once operated in Montrose, decision makers had feared that the city was academically hostile due to cultural biases and since it did not have a functional bookstore within the city limits.
Not just a commuter college, the new facility could accommodate up to 20,000 students once the dormitories are completed in 2015. Although nothing specific has been nailed down, future fathers of education and commerce seem intent on an eastside location, walking distance to the center of town.
The college will focus on political science, chemistry and hospitality coursework with a BA or BS in liberal arts or agricultural science. Athletic squads will be encouraged and competition with existing institutions could begin this fall.
Unreliable sources confirmed persistent rumors that the short list includes Cortez, Silverton and Maher as well as Montrose. Donors have chosen communities where an economic boost was most needed. At least twenty-five locales bid for consideration on the expansion of higher education. Other regional schools had little input at the final announcement, simply drooling at the prospect of another patsy on the gridiron.
– Hopper “Flash” Floode

Clouds bring much needed snow to Crested Butte

Clouds roll in with much needed snow on the horizon

Bert and Ernie win Senate seats

Special to That Funny newspaper in Colona — November 13, 2014

(Denver) Comedians Bert and Ernie (no last names given) spent their first day as members of the Colorado State Senate today listening intently to arguments for and against everything from rifles to molybdenum.
At noon they broke for a gourmet lunch of cookies and milk.
During the afternoon session, Bert told his fellow legislators that he was happy to be a part of such an esteemed assemblage. He further pledged to bring winning football back to the University of Colorado. Ernie made no speech, preferring to giggle away the afternoon with fellow senator Kermit the Frog’s squeeze, Miss Piggy, in the gallery.
After the legislature recessed for the day, Bert and Ernie went home and went to bed.

Kitty, Rover Top Pet Names in 2014

From Fuzzy Little Pet Updates — November 13, 2014
(Wimpton) Kitty and Rover were once again the most popular pet names for 2014. A survey conducted nationwide showed that of the 8000 polled 3011 chose to name their cat “Rover” while some 4708 chose to call their dog “Kitty”. Coming in second was the name Polly for cats and Trigger for dogs with 978 and 713 respectively. The survey error quotient was between 100 and 1000. – Dag Katz