Author Archive for M. Toole
La escasez de cuevas afecta a los osos que hibernan
(Lake City) El aumento de la población de osos ha provocado una escasez de viviendas este invierno, ya que muchos osos no han podido encontrar cuevas adecuadas. Ya en el condado de Hinsdale, la situación se ha traducido en más visitas a la ciudad y una serie de osos que se enfrentan al invierno en la calle, sin protección.
Se han observado osos durmiendo bajo troncos y empujando a mamíferos más pequeños, como marmotas y zorrillos, de los reductos tradicionales. Los residentes han informado de que hay más osos merodeando por la ciudad cuando deberían estar profundamente dormidos. Los animales necesitan más comida mientras están despiertos que mientras hibernan, lo que ha provocado una crisis.
A pesar de la construcción de nuevas cuevas durante el verano, muchos osos han abandonado la región de Lake City en busca de hogares en lugares como Creede y Ouray, lo que ha presionado a los servicios en esas localidades. El desarrollo del hábitat de los osos, así como el aumento de la cantidad de osos necesitados, ha provocado la escasez de viviendas allí.
“Es casi tan malo como que los posibles empleados busquen vivienda”, dijo un comerciante. “Parece ridículo que nos enfrentemos a esta crisis anual con todas las casas de trofeos vacías que se quedan vacías durante la mayor parte del año”, dijo.
Curiosamente, muchos osos han empezado a ocupar casas vacías para convertirlas en sus hogares de invierno. El problema aquí es que los osos no son buenos amos de casa y a menudo dejan un rastro de destrucción a su paso.
“Imagínese a la gente del verano que regresa a sus hogares en junio y los encuentra en ruinas”, continuó. “Qué sorpresa y podría ser incluso peor si el huésped todavía está en la residencia”.
Las autoridades temen que si la situación no mejora pronto, los osos locales se mezclen con la población general de residentes machos cansados del invierno y sean indetectables hasta el deshielo de primavera. A los residentes machos se les pide que se afeiten la barba, se corten el pelo y se bañen regularmente para no ser confundidos con los furiosos recolectores.
“Sería mejor para todos si los humanos se quedaran en casa y los osos se quedaran afuera hasta mayo”, dijo nuestra fuente, “pero eso podría ser una ilusión”.
– Tío Pahgre
NO ROOM LEFT TO FIGHT TRADITIONAL CIVIL WAR
(Richmond VA) Historians have been predicting another civil war in this country since half past Appomattox Court House. Yankee academians save their projections for smoky rooms and snifter back parlors. Wide-eyed rebel saga sharers in Dixie lead with the idea of a third American Revolution.
This time they come out on top.
While impulsive reenactments boom off tediously thin walls on both sides of the former Mason-Dixon Line, students of the conflict in classrooms and coffee shops, are faced with a stark impediment to resuming the war:
Space.
Before we could pick up our muskets and resume the canon fire we would have to figure out how to assemble a force the size of the Army of Northern Virginia or The Army of the Potomac anywhere east of the Mississippi. Sure, the battlefields have been preserved as National Parks but the surrounding area has become the resting place for exploding populations, fast food chains, textile mills and suburbs.
Bring back the Monitor and the Merrimack.
“Lee could not have placed his entire army in the field at Chancellorsville,” said Dr. Orem Welldigger, a fellow at Virginia Military Institute. He had 60,000 up against Hooker, the Union general with a noted tolerance for camp followers. Hooker himself had 120,000 troops,” he said. “There is no physical possibility of all of these soldiers alone fitting into what’s left of the countryside.”
Professor Walter Burnside, of the State University of New York at Plattsburg agreed, pointing to a newly erected mall near the battle of Chickamauga. At that site in September of 1863 the Confederates won a victory and trapped the Union troops in Chattanooga.
Burnside, claiming direct descent from General Ambrose Burnside, who orchestrated the hopeless attack and suffered a subsequent defeat at Fredricksburg, says the South would not have defended today’s town quite so vehemently.
“The Fredricksburg of today still sits on the Rappahannock which is but a dribble to its past glory. Everywhere interstate highways zig zag across the landscape,” he said. “Too many people and no vacant land to stage a mad confrontation of epic proportion. At Chickamauga there’s a few tourist shops hosting visitors who think they’re in some state’s rights’ Disneyland. In Gettysburg they don’t make shoes or study Latin anymore. In Vicksburg they rarely celebrate the Fourth of July “
Arthur Grits, a self-taught enthusiast of the War Between the States suggests that the next conflict could be fought in Nevada, Utah or Northern Arizona…maybe even Canada.
“I just drove through the Great Basin and believe you me there’s nobody out there,” he smiled. “Maybe it’s because there aren’t many bathrooms but I think the reason is actually the lack of water. Imagine if you will Union troops taking the high positions adjacent to nuclear waste dumps while the Confederates charge through the sagebrush and the pinon trees. Now that place has the room to house all the armies since the French and Indian War. Canada has space as well,” he added, but barefoot Rebel troops would be hard pressed to put up much of a fight during the winter months.”
Antelope burgers for 300,000?
Unfortunately for Civil War purists the Western solution just won’t do. Would the new battle of the Wilderness be fought on the shores of Lake Powell. Would Sherman burn Las Vegas? How could Confederate troops dig trenches in the caliche of the Great Salt Lake Desert?
Travelers chronicling the engagements of the Civil War often discover poorly marked Union and Confederate graveyards dominated by burger outlets, and cannonballs lodged in ancient trees cut down to make room for football stadiums, factory outlets or convention centers.
“It’s that damn Yankee arrogance that has resulted in the rape of Southern culture,” says Welldigger, who refers to the recent sprawl as “the second Yankee colonization of the South”.
“Not only did the Northerners move right in to our better neighborhoods, but they brought with them all of the trappings of federalism including welfare, television, competitive wages, liberalism and pollution. The Spanish moss, the cotton fields and the magnolia trees are hanging on by their teeth.”
Burnside disagrees saying that many of the corporate entities slammed by Welldigger had origins in the South.
Look at the biggest cultural disaster, Wal-Mart,” he chided. “That blight began in Arkansas. Look at Colonel Sanders. Does he appear to have abolitionist tendencies? Then there’s the Black-Eyed Pea and Popeye’s.”
Maybe simple physics will deny us the chance to settle unfinished business here in North America. Maybe that’s why we can’t keep our nose out of the Mideast. Is it all that barren land?
“If Pierre G.T. Beauregard fired on Fort Sumter today he’d risk hitting three franchise pizza parlors, an IRS office, two malls, a ring of interstate highways, the corporate headquarters of Mr. Doughnut and some poorly constructed town houses along Charleston Harbor. His politically incorrect behavior might net him a summons for discharging a weapon within city limits and would certainly hurl him into a legion of lawsuits.”
Grits agrees adding that for now sworn enemies will just have to settle for fighting scrimmages in their living rooms and unfurl their blood-letting charges within the confines of video games.
“Just remember,” said Grits, “that just because our cadaverous campaigns are constipated by space restrictions there’s no stumbling block when it comes to blaming each other for the current state of affairs in this nation.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
Deer and elk not in compliance
(Ouray) Wild herd animals residing in the mountains near here continue to be uncooperative in the efforts to keep the local park free of debris, especially of the fecal nature. Currently dog owners appear willing to pick up after their pets, whose numbers, compared to the those of deer and elk that use the facility, are paltry.
The city has posted popper units and paper pickup supplies at the park’s scoop stations. They have even posted the familiar: “It’s the Law” threat but the response has lingered well behind since the hoofed perpetrators have no money.
“If I wanted to step in herd droppings I’d climb a mountain, not take a walk in the park,” said one resident. “There’s poop everywhere. Don’t these animals have any pride, any restraint?”
DOW officials, consulted on how to solve these pressing problems, confirmed reports that they had no specific fix in mind.
“We have the same trouble up above timber line with the fragile tundra at risk,” said one ranger. “Our little signs keep 200-pound people honest but have little if any effect on 2000-pound elk. We’ve tried everything. Attempts to cork the animals have failed and brought on the ire of animal rights people and hunters.”
A March study is on the docket to determine exactly how much of the problem is being created by the elk and deer and what to write off as human error. If the crisis continues the wild animals may be banned from the park in 2025.
– Pepper Salte
“It’s like asking the tired old question: Why do these churches, theoretically based on the teachings of an impoverished prophet, have such burgeoning vaults?” – Saint Roscoe of Pronghorn
Campaign Litter Taxing Landfills
(Montrose) Mounds of discarded campaign litter have journeyed to local landfills causing a nightmare for workers there. The litter, comprised of signs, banners, buttons and bumper stickers started arriving the day after the national election and, according to dump sources, has not let up at press time.
“We even discovered human hair and what appear to be finger nails apparently pulled and nibbled during what was an incredibly close election for President on November 5,” said one sanitation associate.
At first it looked like the normal election year assault but this year it shows no indication of letting up. Tonnage is way up although estimates of actual gross weight delivery are difficult to determine since the new trash mixes quickly with existing, non-partisan trash.
One particularly offensive pickup load, mounds of campaign literature covered in fresh manure, green chili skins and rotting pumpkins fertilized some imaginations here.
“We didn’t know if it were just a coincidence that the elements were traveling together or if someone was trying to make yet another political statement,” laughed one worker.
Landfill crews hope to get the situation under control here before the onslaught of Christmas garbage reaches their gates in late December.
– Rory Lyons
CAMPAIGN SLURS EXPECTED LONG AFTER ELECTION DAY
Filed under the redolence Meandering Euphoria, this column is in no way reflective of the current state of daily chaos on the planet; nor is the feeble summation an attempt to make water from wine and to justify evolution, hallucination or reincarnation. Furthermore the writer is not a Jacksonian Democrat but is simply a rattled patriot responding the desperate, ridiculous and downright mean nature that has entranced and strangled the GOP since Richard Nixon.**
I read from my breviary:
“My sweet baby used to glide, now it’s more of a lunge. She was the hurry up sista adorned in nothing but horn rims, an understated choker and army-issue galoshes, but that didn’t slow her down one damn bit.”
… Ooops. Wrong breviary . There now. It’s the blue one. Here we go…
After gay Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigeig played him in a mock debate (Oct 1) with Democrat Tim Walz, J.D. Vance has expressed concerns that he in turn could turn gay?
Although he is reportedly worried in private. He remains macho-heterosexual in public according to election observers.
Meanwhile perceived enemies say Orange Donald has now compared his IQ to that of “Genghis Khan, Marie Pasteur, and Albert Einstein with a side of George Steinbrenner.” Donald was un available for elaboration in that he is taking (Benito) Mussolini lessons this week in Predoppio, Italy.
And as it turns out rattlesnakes in the 4th Congressional District did endorse Lauren Boebert back in October, continuing the lizard-like voting behavior of the know-nothing Democracy that is eastern Colorado.
(Editor’s Note) The San Juan Horseshoe in no way reported that the E Coli (Escherichia coli) bacteria outbreak at McDonalds after Trump visit had anything to do with his recent field trip even though both he and Ronald McDonald proudly exhibit similar color hair. It was coincidental, say GOP spokespersons, and after bloodless rumination we opt to let them play through for now.
Meanwhile in order to avoid jail time Trump has accepted immunity status as well as impunity recognition from Moscow and Pyongyang. He is expected to bring most top-hat MAGA supporters along with him to his new haunts. Many are busy learning new languages although most still cannot speak their native tongue properly.
**Musk is defined as a strong-smelling reddish-brown substance which is secreted by the male musk deer for scent-marking and is an important ingredient in perfumery.
For a related piece turn to: Trump Dumps Vance, Jumps bail, Pumps fist, Humps Georgia, Arizona on Cold Hands-Warm Heart News.
-Fred Zeppelin
Toole claims Tarzan ascendency
Globe-scorching journalist Melvin Bedwetter Toole claims to be a direct descendent of Tarzan the Ape Man (aka Tarzan of the Apes). The skinny Toole, weighing in at 97 pounds says he learned to fly through the trees and call to the elephants while visiting Tarzan at family get togethers in equatorial Africa after the war.
How well these statements gel with recent history remains unclear but we do know that on the sixth day God created Tarzan and Jane, then He rested. Toole showed up some years later under a mushroom, with no welcoming parental guardians, a bastard in the dark. That’s all there is for proof.
Jane, whose scantily clad outfits predated puritanical movie restrictions on the silver screen, recounted the day the treehouse lovers met. He took me swimming and explained that his ape family “lives up here in the trees because lions eat lunch on the ground.” That made enough sense for me to blow off my autonomous waitress job in Britain and move in. My years as an exotic dancer didn’t hurt either and kept us both entertained during the rainy season.”
Jane added that the young Toole never perfected the infamous and primitive Tarzan elephant call or climb trees barefoot.
“His loin cloth was always falling down so I bought him a set of fire engine red suspenders at the bazaar but he almost hung himself on a limb tree the first day out. Fortunately his monkey friends stole the elastic braces (Br.) and the loin cloth averting a tragedy of epic proportions.
After ample consideration Toole had gone on the record as questioning the taste and versatility of donning suspenders in the jungle uttering his famous words, “We’re looking for realism not comfort here.”
Back to the genealogy: The twisted lineage is quite clear up to the point when the original Tarzan (the aristocrat) disappears in Equatorial Africa, swinging in the trees like his Black and Tan cousins at the hands of the IRA in 1921
Things continued to fall apart here after the Earl of Cheshire married Betty, a lady in waiting to the Cliffside Cod Club, related by unfortunate challenge to Guy Fawkes and Squire Mary Beth Lance, of Nugge-thyme.
That makes Toole the great or great great grandson of Tarzan according to the family that has survived civil and military strife in Africa. Even after many decades no one has contested his tree house architecture or a hefty inheritance of bananas and mangoes.
