Author Archive for M. Toole
WAS THE GOUT THE UNDOING OF THE BLACKFOOT NATION?
Called the dark toe in the Algonquian language, gout may have been the culprit in ravaging the once-mighty Blackfoot Nation. Historians are correct to ascertain that measles and small pox were devastating to these plains tribes but most miss to contribution of uric acid to the formula.
Once linked to gluttony and drunkenness gout is now seen in a different light. The Blackfoot were not big boozers until the whites kicked them onto reservations. So why did they suffer from gout. Their Alberta cousins, the Sarcee, did not get the gout nor did many of their traditional enemies such as the Sioux. Although not contagious, the painful ailment follows protocol.
The Blackfeet, unlike centuries of European victims, exhibited no guilt as it wasn’t yet invented on the at least out there on the prairie.
“The Native Americans ate few processed foods, little sugar, but a “buttload of buffalo, and I ain’t talking western New York,” said Alberta Purinal, a leading dietician who has never had gout.
“Imagine this scenario,” she continued. A brave wakes up in pain after the Sun Dance. He goes to witch doctor who recommends ginger root extract, black cherries, couch grass and Boerhavia extract. When he asks where he can get these remedies the witch doctor simply flinches and days…maybe over in Canada.”
Confusion reigned then as it does today.
One Blackfoot elder tells us he traded three ponies for a vial of potion said to relieve the gout. It didn’t. They told me at the lodge fire to eat salmon but never tuna. Then later I was warned to eat only tuna and never salmon. I can’t remember the mantra: buffalo meat asparagus and berries or buffalo meat asparagus and berries…
-Fred Zeppelin
For a related piece see Dystopian Nightmares by Lizzie Borden, Testosterone Bros., Boston.
Bear Given Condoms
(Norwood) The Forest Circus has agreed in theory to allow black bears to purchase condoms at a variety of outlets due to overpopulation in the Ursidae ranks of late. Unconfirmed sources verify that the black bear population has increased 20% over the past year and will continue this trend due to the general lack of natural predators, especially in the spring.
Already groups of righteous, radical animal-rights advocates, many who would not know the difference between an aardvark and an antelope, have agreed to provide birth control information to younger, more impressionable cubs.
As one might readily imagine, this development has upset almost every political/social/religious group in the country with each naively keying on their own specific collection of bugaboos without the slightest concern for the rights of their adversaries.
“It is a fool who still thinks we live in a democracy,” said one local ranger. “In 2025 he who shouts the loudest often wins out, while the poor bears can’t utter so much as a compound sentence.”
-Small Mouth Bess
Bake sale to benefit Tsunami victims
(Norwood) A ten-family ethnic bake sale will be presented on Saturday, April 26 to benefit the survivors of a series of Tsunamis that have again hit Indonesia. Despite the fact that the inhabitants affected are of the Muslim persuasion we still feel they need clean water, food and warm clothes. Toward the end of the sale a contest to determine degrees of patriotism will be held – the winner determined by the number of American flags he/she can display on a Toyota pickup. Be sure not to miss it!
AMERICAN ASTERISKS OPENS IN MONTROSE
(Kinikin Heights) The announcement that American Asterisks will set up shop near Montrose has brought joy to the hearts of many residents after a long, harsh winter.
The massive plant, not a result of any bumbling committees or clueless councils of economic development, brings 40 new jobs at good wages say spokespersons for the information technology firm.
“Now the public can get asterisked without traveling all the way to Durango,” said a source at American Asterisks. “Convenience and low prices are our mantra.”
Historically the asterisk has stood for omitted matter or an annotation of some regard. Persons wishing to assume that distinction can simply apply for an asterisk next to their name then pick it up in 10 – 20 working days. The symbol can then be linked to phone numbers, mindless passwords and even one’s Sociable Security card for no apparent reason.
“Our company’s well-won slogan: “Separating the insignificant from the insignificant” is alive and well in Western Colorado,” said the spokesperson. Persons looking for our facility should turn right on Question Mark Place, and then a hard left at Hyphen Road and another on Apostrophe Terrace. We are located at the giant question mark at 86 Semi Colon Boulevard.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
Psyched Out
with Doctor Edwin Whom, Phd.
Regional Hatred Healthy
Although it gets a lot of bad press regional hostility can be quite productive. For one thing it defines a common enemy and allows for families and villages to pull together without a lot of petty bickering among the leaders and a lot of distrust of neighbors on a daily basis. A tranquil village is a happy village and all without therapeutic drugs.
Regional hatred also promotes the creation of many functional cells of ex-patriots in places like Paris and New York. Without bigotry and anger many of these people might be stuck in their crummy villages without the slightest chance to see the world. It is in this way that the defeated culture can export its thoughts and philosophies while keeping the lid on things back home.
Perhaps the most important advantage to be gained from the ethnic and racial hatred is in the field of culinary art. Clannish and ethnic elitism is partly responsible for most of the regional cuisines in a place like China, for instance. How do you think the distinction between Hunan and Szechwan came about? What about Italian food or Soul Food?
This is not to imply that ethnic hostilities always result in better groceries. Despite all the problems they have created over the years the British, somehow, were not blessed with a cuisines of their own, so they stole one from the Irish.
Another benefit of regional hatred comes in the form of a boon to the flag business. The more different warring factions in the field the more flags are sold. In 1992 alone some 13,000 flags in
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Boogeyman Gets Chair
(Nightmare Chronicles) The infamous Boogeyman, the nemesis of every child at bedtime for decades, has been executed according to a copyright story in Bars and Stripes, a correctional industry mouthpiece. The unrepentant hobgoblin was in good spirits according to eyewitnesses, as he arrived at his last roundup at approximately 4:16 am Thursday.
He is believed to be the only character, cartoon or otherwise, to have expired within these pages in 40 years of publication.
Sources within the penal system confirmed reports that the Boogeyman refused the traditional blindfold so that he might “lock eyes with his executioner” at the time of his demise. He also refused a cigarette for health reasons, it was disclosed. All bereavements and condolences (if there should be any) should be directed to the Nightmare House, a rest home for retired fiends, monsters, demons and really big spiders.
Survived by close associates Ms. Bugaboo, Mr. Spook and the Your Own Shadow Brothers, he is best remembered for creating unfounded fear in the hearts of children. His habit of hiding behind drapes, lurking in closets and under beds has to be considered the classic fright meter of the century!
Although gone, it is unlikely that he will be forgotten.
Many rejoiced after a gubernatorial reprieve was denied on Wednesday, while the Boogeyman’s enthusiastic supporters called for “the closing of all abortion clinics and the construction of more prisons lickety-split.”
Meanwhile the shadow governor was last seen exploring the dark, dreary dungeons of his mansion on the hill. It is common knowledge at the state house that he has not ventured into those cellars since his election in 2002.
– Bunny Trimble
“If you’re going to make an empire you have to break some legs.”
– Col. Wormwood Omelet, Manila, 1901.
