Author Archive for M. Toole
TRUMP CAMP UNPREPARED FOR OVERNIGHT BIVOAC
(Gulf of Mexico News Services) Trump Camp 2025, located at a secret somewhere in the Rocky Mountains, is reportedly without provisions, water, tents, matches, flashlights or dry firewood. The more than 100 billionaires guests may also be stranded at civilized locales due to transportation limits and poor GPS coordinates.
Early this morning Elon Musk, Senior Advisor to the President, has come to the rescue with a fleet of abandoned Teslas and assorted spacecraft. He, according to aides, is promising regular milk runs to Mars to buy state-of-the-art camping accessories and made-in-America cows to cook on an over a pyrite grill on a synthetic fire.
Musk plans to fire the Democrats in the House and Senate, blaming them for poor planning and shortages in the forest. When informed that they were elected officials and not gov’ment employees he smirked, “Not for long.”
“We’re not mentioning anyone by name but certain South African oligarchs have always been the pill in the pound cake, said one of several immigrant caddies pressed into service for the the three-day event. Refusing to elaborate the outdoor steward suggested burning and eating cryptocurrency and drinking low-cal petroleum until rescued.
White House staffers were quick to deny that the camping snafu had any connection to an announcement that First Lady Melania Trump has relocated to Nuuk, Greenland due to security concerns in the United States. Her long expected exit from the day to day doings of the Trump family has been in the headlines since her orange-haired husband’s Inauguration in January.
Meanwhile Vice President J.D. Vance was “shocked” by the move but did not respond to requests for verification Friday. He is remembered fondly for his unwelcome visit to Greenland last winter and especially for his bold ascertain that it was cold there and that nobody had informed him of the island’s climate.
– Fred Zeppelin
Sand Yetis Keep South Atlantic Beaches Wild
(Montevideo) An increase in beach yeti sightings has anthropologists on edge near Punta del Diablo, a wind-swept South Atlantic town on the coast of Uruguay. Already this summer (January to March) several of the giant, hairy beasts have been spotted roaming the sands of Angostura, dangerously close to the tourist mecca of Santa Teresa National Park.
Many people find this alarming. Others don’t believe in any of it. Still others say they have seen these intimidating creatures with their own eyes and it’s no big deal. Experts are shocked yet amused while the usually progressive government is in denial.
“Why have sightings increased?” answered a local ranger. “Climate Change, food sources closer to man, development…too many variables to consider. Is it a hoax? Yeah, like men walking on the moon? I don’t think so. This surf is their turf. We are trespassing,” he smiled.
Contact between humans and primitives in a remote area is rare but not uncommon with the expansion of the population toward the Brasilian Frontier. In recent years Yeti have become more aggressive toward anglers and sun bathers on vast, remote stretches of beach from Esmerelda all the way to La Pedrera. Back in January a mob of yetis allegedly attacked and ate several drunks coming home from a local disco at dawn. Although the violence was never substantiated, the yeti were reclassified as extremely dangerous and, along with plastic bags, the most serious predator in South America.
Until recently anthropologists here chose to deny the existence of sand yetis on these shores. It was simple. Both tourism and yeti colonies were sure to suffer if the word got out that 10-foot tall Sasquatch (males) weighing up to 500 pounds were going to the beach today.
Much smaller, although no less fierce, the Yeti Betties have enormous eyes and constantly prune their males and breast-feeding hungry off-spring while they look for something to eat. Even the females can consume up to 30 sea gulls in one sitting which sheds light on the diminishing population of the beaked ocean birds on the Uruguayan coast.
Members of the crown group hominoid, sand yetis often exhibit aggression around loud adult humans yet tolerate noisy children. Called Sasquatch, but never to their face, these nefarious creatures have yet to embrace any primitive sense of personal hygiene. An attentive beach wanderer can sometimes detect one from a kilometer away by their odor alone.
Many residents claim to have watched yetis wrestling with sharks in the deep surf or pulling a white corvina into a shallow bay. Due to the lungs of a giant otter, a hungry yeti can drown a talapia in just minutes.
“I saw two of them with a discarded fishing pole trying to make sense of casting techniques and, hey, they weren’t half bad,” chipped in one local bartender. “Landed three flounder and ate them raw right on the spot.”
The colonies live in the woods in the winter and the beach in the summer. They get along well with dogs since they learned to feed the canines decades ago. Rangers are quick to point out that some of the creatures observed on the beach are completely human and are not related to the yeti in any way even though they resemble the beasts.
Residents claim the yeti often surf near Barra de Chuy and that 24-inch footprints were documented outside a casino in town that same day. Later in the week police confronted a large group of what they believed to be “ape-like wild men” who turned out to be Paraguayan zoologists on a fact finding trip.
Experts from “up north” echo the concerns and fascination of their counterparts here.
“The yeti may be the only primate indigenous to North America,” said a visiting scientist from Canada. “Ours are omnivorous and nocturnal while the behavior of the ones down here is impossible to predict. They may eat an entire palm tree for breakfast and then stay up all night deep in digestion. One thing that they have in common is that neither species likes to be alone – ever. These South American Sand Yetis look a lot like the Skoocooms common to the Oregon Coast and are more communal than the Bud Yeti of Humboldt County in Northern California”
She added that the rare six-toed version tends to throw feces at enemies and beat its chest when it feels threatened. They are frightfully strong and can hurl large rocks and tree stumps..
Not to be confused with the significantly smaller Rock Yeti, which are far more populous and who, even at maturity, never reach two feet in stature the sand yeti and rock yeti do not get along. The latter hide in the rocks all day and only come out at night like tourists from Sao Paulo and Buenos Aires. If one comes across these rock critters he is advised to back away and avoid eye contact. Also called Cave Yetis (or small bastards in the Guarani language) and flacos terribilius in the ancient Angostaran dialect, the bigfoots are exceptional football/soccer players but often wear too much cologne. Juveniles often have zits while older cave yetis tend to get lazy.
Cryptozoologists say the DNA matches that of the capybara, a South American rodent that grows to the size of a pig. Attempts to lure them out into the sun with bananas and mangos have failed since the yeti are used to eating oysters and prawns rather than fruit.
“I’ve seen the beggars roaming the deserted beaches looking for eats,” said one local fisherman. “They are nothing but raspy vagabonds and they don’t scare me with all the growling and jumping about.”
Others note similar contact.
“My brother and I had two sharks in our nets when several yetis pushed us back into the water and took our catch,” said an angler from La Corinilla. “They were big galoots, real big. They didn’t say much. The females are smaller. They beast-feed their young right there in front of God and everyone.”
In keeping with the concept of full employment, Uruguay is currently considering hiring many of the yeti as summer beach patrol in nearby Santa Teresa National Park during peak months.
– Estelle Marmotbreath
GHOST OF UPTON SINCLAIR GETS TICKET
(Telluride) The ghost of writer Upton Sinclair, who while alive penned such classics as The Jungle and The Dragon’s Teeth is contesting a parking ticket received on South Fir Street Thursday. Sinclair, who is reportedly in town gathering evidence for his newest expose on the ski industry, said he was scouring the town for change when the summons was written.
“His books were very critical of the powers that be,” said one literary enthusiast. “Many of us think the ticket was just another form of harassment.”
The source went on to describe how she checked out every Sinclair title from the local library and has hidden them from the authorities.
“The capitalists tried to silence him back in the 30s with an assortment of threats, which by comparison, make a parking ticket seem rather trivial.”
Sinclair’s ghost said the vehicle was left unattended for an estimated five minutes lending credence to the conspiracy theory.
“He should have parked somewhere away from the cop shop,” said the literati.
Despite the citation Sinclair will continue work on the publication in which he accuses the ski industry of feudalism, misrepresentation of climatic conditions, and acting as a front for the real estate industry.
“OK, so the ski bosses aren’t quite as bad as the barons of the meat-packing industry,” said the library source, “but the effects on the local environment are still questionable. Is it fair for the feds to lease land to a private concern who turns around and charges exorbitant fees to taxpayers for access?”
Meanwhile one ski area spokesman here said the whole incident has been blown out of proportion and offered to pay the fine out of petty cash.
“What can one expect?” he chided “Who would name a kid Upton in the first place?”
– Cool Hand Luke
World Profanity Finals Set for September
(Montrose) The prestigious World Finals of the International Profanity Championships will be held on the Uncompahgre Plateau this fall. The contest, expected to draw nearly 6000 participants, has been purposely staged in a remote spot far from little ears according to sponsors.
This year’s theme “blasphemy comes from the grandest places” centers on idiomatic origins and ethnic diversion. Phrases, as usual, count for more than one-word utterances while nouns and adjectives demand a higher status than adverbs and prepositions.
Gerunds, verbs functioning as ing nouns, will once again qualify in pole position. Creative blends of familiar lewdness remain in contention for honorable mention laurels.
One-syllable and multi-syllable categories will be included in what promises to be a creative time for all. Newly recognized bad words are acceptable entries so long as they exhibit logic, frustration, humor or a bona fide history.
A blue bonfire, into which attendees can throw all anal-retentive computer passwords collected over the past few years, will follow the contests.
-Uncle Pahgre
IRS Offering Ribs in Lieu of Refunds
(Ogden, UT) The Internal Revenue Service, in an apparent attempt to relieve the national debt ceiling, has instituted a flagship program which offers taxpayers baby-back pork ribs instead of refunds.
The ribs, available only to persons who have earned a tax refund will be sent out just like other correspondence from the Treasury Department, arriving late, and probably cold. Already jokes about pork barrel politics and pigs at the trough are circulating major government centers.
“The economics of it all dictate that we too must cut back when it comes to refunding moneys,” said Shirley Turnip of the IRS.
Persons interested in receiving the food should fill out one of the Ribs Instead of Refunds forms available right next to Selective Service questionnaires at local post offices. Respondents must clearly state whether they prefer sauce or dry-cooked ribs and also how they like them done.
“Once we get the fire going it will be too late for substitutions,” said Turnip.
Meanwhile the IRS has filed a final decision as to the status of sun worshipers residing in this country saying that since the practice is not recognized as a legitimate religion and therefore these parties must file taxes in accordance with the existing laws.
“Beware of the man whose God is in the skies.”
– George Bernard Shaw
Spring Cleanup Sacks Town
(Manana) The first ever spring cleanup in Manana has terminated the town. After three days of hauling garbage, old tires, discarded machine parts, plastic, broken furniture, abandoned trailers and other debris to the county dump there is nothing left of what was once a thriving little burg that once commanded a spectacular view along the Little Packer River.
“Other towns seem to be able to handle a little sprucing up without changing road maps,” said mayor Muriel Armbruster who has taken up residence some six miles away at Colona. “We started with the highest intentions and the result is the disappearance of the entire town.”
Monday morning all that was left of Manana were fragile skeletons of dilapidated downtown shops, the wobbly shell of the post office and a few mangy dogs looking disoriented and hungry.
“I don’t know how long it will take us to return the town to its normal condition,” said Armbruster. “Right now there’s nothing here but a few spindly, framed remembrances. With the arrival of our traditional spring wind storms, those too will fade into architectural history.”
As expected the town has applied for federal aid from FEMA.
“These town cleanups are serious business,” added the former mayor. “I wonder if we could incorporate the landfill.”
