Author Archive for M. Toole

Wordy Wisdoms

Gorgonized: “Gorgonized” means to have a paralyzing or mesmerizing effect on someone, usually through an intimidating gaze. For example, “She felt trapped and totally helpless in his gorgonizing stare”. 

The word comes from the Greek adjective gorgós, which means “terrifying”. In Greek mythology, the Gorgons were three female monsters with snakes for hair who could turn anyone who looked at them to stone. The most well-known of the three was Medusa. Even after her death, her severed head retained the power to turn people to stone which often got her into movie theaters and art exhibits for free.

Do People drink more during Daylight Savings Time?

Does Daylight Savings encourage more imbibing? “Over the years my aunt Ebaneezer became an alcoholic just so some iron worker didn’t have to go to work in the cold and dark. Is it easier to slam a few shots in the dark at 6 pm than to embrace breakfast cylinders or a whiskey omelet at sunrise. We’re sure to find out herein.

Spring forward…Fall down?

People concerned should simply adjust their drinking schedules by an hour. For example: If you crack open a beer at 6 am in July you should do the same at 5 am in January** or until the nation gets off Roosevelt’s Time and returns to Mother Nature.

Remember summer? People out on the porch drinking away the solstice  Just One More while marveling at the long days “I can’t believe it’s still light at 9:10.* Pass me that whiskey jar.”

On a related subject, yes, Slamming a beer in 4 degree temperature is not the same as slamming one at 90. It’s the same when one knocks down a brew. The afternoon beats the morning, unless perhaps the hops enthusiast started at daybreak (an hour later than normal anyway).

If you have completed the Colorado Drinkers’ Questionnaire or the 9-week approved class on bartending ignore the last paragraph.

Still confused? Try this handy formula

X/Y = ^ {678* x 876 </% – current consumption w/xyz and see what you get. Be sure to stock up on ice even in the winter months in case the crick don’t freeze.

Liquor store receipts are still up year round but may soon be affected if the monopoly beasts Kroger and Wal-mart are allowed to sell spirits They already sell beer and wine, gasoline and sushi, Starbucks and legal drugs much the the detriment of locally owned liquor stores and other tax-paying businesses. Just one more bitter brandy and the cold shoulder by gov’ment agencies created to protect the citizenry from from these kinds of corporate excesses. Oh yeah. You betcha.

*This shouldn’t come as a surprise. It was light at 9:10 on this same date last year unless Daylight Savings Time is cast to the wolves and politicians.

**Dark earlier extends cocktail hour unless there is no extension or termination

References:

Breakfast Cereals That Contain Alcohol by Pepper Salte, Testosterone Brothers, Boston.

Closet Sippers and Patio Crooners, Karaoke in the New World Sexuality, from Catharsis and Calamity on the Frontier by Uncle Pahgre, Eat Pets Publishing, Springfield, Ohio

“That man from New Iberia pass by, you know, the skinny ya ya, and ate 13 bowls of my mama’s shrimp gumbo then had the noive to ax fo’ mo’, fo’ ‘dem ‘cross the bayou. We won’t have no mo a dat.”

– Marceaux “Buddy” Fontenot,

Millionaire Christians Meet

(Ridgway) The first ever meeting of the Christian Millionaires Club was held here last night attracting an assortment of the righteous who have managed to acquire vast sums of money and now seek to nail down their eternal salvation.

Among the subjects discussed was the purchase of Ridgway Town Park, the termination of local liquors licensing, sending out mass mailings, a whitewashing of the town’s historic church and what to do with people who refuse to embrace their philosophies.

“If these pagan elements would simply open up to the bigger picture I’m sure they’d see the advantages of joining our cult,” said Charla Tinn a spokesman for the club. “We host hay rides, bonfires, book burnings and bring in lots of Christian talent. Let’s face it, we have all the money and will soon be having the only fun.”

Tinn, a former heroin enthusiast from Southern California, says she was saved on the street in Hollywood back in 1994. Thanks to a strong resolve and plenty of inherited family money she kicked heroin and found religion. She moved to Ridgway the next year.

“Our club is open to everyone…not just millionaires. Billionaires too are welcome to our ministry as is anyone with a missionary commitment, just so long as they can pay their hefty dues.”

Tinn went on to say that her membership saw no conflict in supporting the killing in Gaza and adhering to the Christian way of life.

“It’s either us or them,” she waffled. “Didn’t you ever read the Old Testament. Pretty bloody to be sure. I’ve got it here on CD in my Lexus.”

Following the meeting a reporter asked whether the late prophet Jesus Christ, the man whose philosophies the group claims to follow, could afford membership in their elite group.

“He probably could have joined but he kept giving away all his cash. Maybe we could find him a sponsor among our multitudes.”

– Kashmir Horseshoe

Give Tailing Funds to Residents

Funds further earmarked for tailings cleanup operations around the Idarado Mine sites near Telluride and Ouray should be distributed to residents of the area. The trust fund of sorts, rumored to exceed $2.5 billion, should be divided between the estimated 5,000 households in question, giving each approximately $500,000.

Suddenly affluent, residents would certainly begin traveling all over the world with a frequency much higher than the national average. Would it be too much to ask them to haul a second suitcase fill with tailings? Once they (the tailings) are out of our region they’re someone else’s problem.

Using formulas derived at this newspaper, we might be free of our tailings problem by the year 2037, which is decades ahead of other current estimates.

Then, and only then, will we be able to breathe free and get back to the business at hand: selling time shares to people from Texas and Oklahoma.

-Dolores Alegria

“Presumption is the brother of ignorance.” – General Kashmir Horseshoe, before and after the battle of Big Butt Butte, Mañana Brigade, 1882.

Shortage of Caves Plagues Hibernating Bear

(Lake City) Burgeoning numbers amid the bear population has resulted in a housing crunch this winter with many bruins unable to find suitable caves. Already in Hinsdale County, the situation has translated into more town visits and a number of bears facing winter on the street, without protection.

     Bear have been observed sleeping under logs and pushing smaller mammals like marmots and skunks from traditional redoubts. Residents have reported more bears prowling around town when they should be sound asleep. The animals need more to eat while awake than while hibernating leading to a crisis.

     Despite the construction of new caves over the summer, many bear have vacated the Lake City region in search of homes in places like Creede and Ouray pressuring services in those locales. Development in bear habitat as well as a rise in the number of needy bears has resulted in the housing shortages there.

     “It’s almost as bad as potential employees searching for housing,” said one merchant. “It seems ridiculous that we face this annual crunch what with all the vacant trophy homes left empty for most of the year,” she said.

     Oddly enough, many bears have taken to squatting in vacant houses making them their winter homes. The problems here is that the bruins are not good housekeepers and often leave a path of destruction in their wake.

     “Imagine summer people returning to their homes in June to find their homes in shambles,” she continued. “What a shock and it might even be worse if the guest is still in residence.”

     Authorities fear that if the situation doesn’t improve before long local bears may blend into the general population of winter weary male residents and be undetectable until the spring thaw. Male residents are asked to shave beards, cut hair and bathe regularly so as not to be confused with the fury foragers.

     “It would be better for everyone if humans stayed indoors and bear stayed outdoors until May,” said our source, “but that might be wishful thinking.”

– Uncle Pahgre

Woods Nymphs Need Winter Clothing

(Gunnison) Some four hundred woods nymphs that call the Gunnison Valley home are in dire straits due to the lack of warm clothing it was disclosed today. With the arrival of winter, the often scantily dressed, decadent nymphs remain at risk due to nighttime temperatures dipping down to well below zero. Flimsy, worn out wardrobes, lack of firewood and dwindling food supplies further complicate this grave matter.

Some forest nymphs are without shoes.

The nymphs, usually associated with sensuous mid-summer evenings and erotic flings with such notables as Pan and Bacchus, are out of their element when the cold winds blow. Experts are in dismay as to why they don’t simply fly south and avoid the weather.

“Not only are these nymphs procrastinators but they are damn stubborn too,” said Dr. Efram Pennywhistle, Director of Faeries and Wild Things at Western State Colorado University here. “They are all a bunch of slackers. They love to watch us from the cover of the forest and are obsessed with the doings of humans. They mimmic us to the tee yet run away when approached.”

The nymphs, descendants of fallen angels and rising  pucas, have been the object of male curiosity since the 1800s. Rarely observed, except on perfect summer evenings, the nymphs have seen their numbers depleted over the past 50 years due to pollution and human expansion.

The summers in Gunnison, often interfaced with paradise, offer a heavenly trance and plenty of sunshine. Wood nymphs do not do well in exceedingly hot climates or the dry, windy elements of the Colorado Plateau or the Confront Range.

“If you are lucky enough to see one of these faeries avoid obvious flirtation and do not attempt to catch one since they will not survive in captivity,” said Pennywhistle.

Anyone interested in donating cold weather gear and clothing should bring it to the WSCU campus clearly marked For The Wood Nymphs so that it doesn’t fall into the hands of anti-fashion conscious students or other less needy segments of society. Keep in mind that loose fitting garments work best since they more effectively account for wing span, wiggles and layering.

– Sergio Jingles