Author Archive for M. Toole
Melania in Greenland?
Ultra-reclusive First Lady Melania Trump has allegedly been spotted departing from 46-foot Nordhavn flybridge trawler here on the coast of the world’s largest island. The unconfirmed disembarking is said to have occurred in the vicinity of Nuuk, on the southwest coast of the autonomous nation of Greenland.
It has not been officially confirmed that Ms. Trump is in Greenland as an official emissary of the United States or if she simply needed to get away from the demanding duties of her role (read husband) Likewise it was not clear who, if anyone, may have accompanied her to the arctic destination or how long she plans to stay.
Calls to the White House have yet to net any response leading Trump-appointed marriage counselors to clam up on the speculative trip. Rumors have circulated of late suggesting that life may not be so sweet on the second floor master bedroom.
Cynics were quick to surmise that Melania is simply putting a few sea miles between her and her husband.
“We’re not sure what’s going on but that should not stand in the way of yet another White House drama,” said The Washington Post, which plans to send a reporter to the far north on Tuesday to investigate what it calls undocumented ramblings.
– Pepper Salte
Bake sale to encourage world peace
(Gunnison) A combined bake and gun sale is scheduled for Saturday, May 28 on the campus of Western State College here. Included in the fare will be doughnuts, eclairs, brownies, Afro-American toes, subversive cookies, strudel, cream puffs, hand-held missile launchers and assault rifles. All profits will be fed back into the social system earmarked for organizations dedicated to world peace. If you know any please bring contact numbers to the sale. Immediately following the sale a seminar entitled Why are gas prices continually rising after the fall of Baghdad decades ago? will be presented by the severely twisted student union.
Easter Bunny Detained in Purse Snatching
UPDATE: For anyone not surprised and still marginally interested… Readers will undoubtedly recall that on April 20, Kristi Noem, Secretary of US Homeland Security, former South Dakota governor and MAGA stalwart
was the victim of a purse snatching, losing her clearance badge, her passport and $3000 in cash.
Over the past few weeks a scouring for the purse snatcher had intensified – yet remained unsolved despite FBI surveillance and Homeland Security agents breaking in to warrens in search of the suspected perpetrator.
That all changed this morning with the capture and detainment of the Easter Bunny
All rabbits residing in the United States at the time of the heist were to be arrested and deported but Trump Administration rescinded on the much maligned the move. Noem had initially insisted that a member of a minority group had stolen her purse and that the thief was “undoubtedly an illegal alien who hates America”.
“It is clear that the Easter Bunny took my purse,” groused Kristi Noem, quickly changing her story so as to consolidate her views with those of leading Republicans anxious to put the embarrassing episode to rest.
The Easter Bunny was not in possession of any cash when apprehended, leading some law enforcement personnel to question the validity of a quickly buttoned up case. Although none of the $3000 cash that Noem was carrying was found on the accused crook the government is moving ahead on the arraignment.
The rabbit carries a Green Card issued by the United States and enjoys the status of a legal resident of over 200 countries world wide. He has never had a felony unless hiding brightly colored eggs is now a crime. If indicted, the tall, fuzzy, pink-eared rodent could face deportation.
“That Noem woman should keep a better eye on her high clearance documentation or lose it.” said an Congressional insider who was outside at the time of the heist.
– Melvin Toole
Mine Camps Set to Open – spend your summer underground! Abandoned mine shafts and tailings ponds your thing? Contact Benny Virtuoso, Camp Bird Continuing Education. Ouray.
Fracking in nation’s midsection no longer covered by Medicare.
The pursuit of alternative fuels has fallen victim to yet further cuts in the energy sector as government efficiency wanders about interfacing safety nets and ancient pollutants.
The government position has been that without rigorous safety regulations, fracking can poison groundwater, pollute surface water, impair wild landscapes, and threaten wildlife.
However the current administration has taken a reverse course exhibiting clear hostility regarding wind and solar power and embracing fossil fuels, seafloor mining, coal and fracking methods as part of an attempt to bring back the good old days of domestic manufacturing.
The promises of more jobs may be a flimsy one since there were more people employed in the alternative energy sectors than in traditional petroleum driven arena. The overall employment picture is sure to take a hit with layoffs in the clean and sustainable energy field.
The controversial grandfathered status accorded to fracking, considered the most harmful of all oil exploration techniques continues to be contested at highest levels while the planet burns and dangerous pollution levels increase.
Talk of further deregulation may soon permit drilling in the nation’s cemeteries say ACLU sources, calling the process “tasteless and inhumane at best”.
Voodoo economists warn that this disruption could lead to the release of bad juju and facilitate the emergence of evil spirits in a world already gone mad.
“We have enough evil running the show as it is” said one soothsayer.
– Small Mouth Bess
Ed’s Liver and Onion Wagon will not be stopping in Silverton this month because my horses are afraid of the train. Sorry.
Emergence of Zombies in the House Alarming
(Gulf of Mexico) House Republicans vehemently deny that there are zombies on their side of the aisle, spellbound and bedazzled by sound bites and empty content as if hypnotized by a sort of Clockwork Orange.
“Despite incriminating evidence to the contrary, most MAGA congressmen are convinced that talking tough is an effective method of intimidation,” said Walter Puff, a 99-year-old state senator from a forgotten valley in Central California. “Then it all falls in on them when they are contested by someone who thinks.”
“Most of these modern day zombies are poltroon to the core,” stressed Rachel Penny Capon (Dem-Boise), whose constituency includes acres of chicken processing plants often manned by illegal aliens.
Although thousands of photos of vampires, werewolves as well as zombies fall short of making a case for wooden stakes and scuttling spinal cords the vampires continue wandering in for work every day.
Take Marjorie Taylor-Green of Georgia for instance, a blind, one dimensional surrogate with no capacity for cooperation even when it benefits her supporters.
“If there are zombies in the belfry they are liberal, progressive, communists who should be deported,” she smirked.
She went on to explain on Faux News:
“Both vampires and zombies are common creatures in popular culture. Vampires, in many depictions, are known for their blood-sucking habits, using fangs to puncture skin and drink the blood for sustenance and pleasure.
Zombies, on the other hand, are generally depicted as reanimated corpses, often mindless and focused on feeding on the living, but not specifically blood.”
As most readers know, it is difficult to take a photo of a zombie because they move too slow for digital capture. Vampires, despite their preference for the after-midnight set have been clicked upside down in caves and plying their trade disguised as harmless bozos sleeping off a good drunk.
The average work-a-day Joe or Josephine must begin to ask the right questions: Who gave mutants like these people the keys to the place anyway?Why when we have millions of unemployed people within the confines of the US we can’t do better than such tired options when choosing our “leaders?
“Most were rich long before getting elected and yet they chase the money, continued Capon. “How much do these people want? How much is enough?”
– Gabby Haze
Cardinals seek to eliminate Pontiff position
(Rome) Vatican power brokers are poised to phase out the longstanding Papal role next go-round. With a gradual elimination of the apostolic position already in motion, leading Cardinals described the move “a cost-cutting one and little more”.
Progressives here meeting in front of Bernini Fountain indicated that they too would support a Popeless hierarchy if conservative gate keepers agree to share Vatican gold with millions of poor, desperate faithful in South and Central America.
This latest fiscal reciprocity appears headed for a final vote after the white smoke clears. The initial proposal is expected to pass, despite stiff resistance from a cross-dressing contingent of Cardinals, many of whom secretly desire to be Pope one day.
“We have talked the matter to death said one liberal cleric, “with gracefulness and tact considering the sensitive nature of these modifications.
“Many in the College of Cardinals prefer to hold onto traditions dating back to Saint Peter,” he explained.
“The climax of papal lineage, cost-cutting or otherwise must be accomplished without bloodshed and with the highest degree of respect for the multitudes who fill up the collection plate each Sunday.”
Whether other layoffs are in the works is anyone’s guess since Cardinals do not possess the papal infallibility card on matters of faith and morality
Attempts to streamline the salvation business have fallen flat since since the early days of Pope Linus and the Medici Popes selling indulgences (and maybe a few relics) in the 16th Century.
Undocumented sources here agree that a little wiggle room never hurt anyone. They contend that funds saved on Popemobile alone would go a long way towards feeding the poor.
“The Papal gig has been around since year one. I don’t think the faithful will be pleased. They like the royal stuff and all,” said another bishop. “It helps them survive the pitfalls of real life.’
“Attempts to appease and soothe will succeed in the end as will the access and expansion of sainthood and the dismantling of Purgatory planned for 2030.
“At this juncture we have no plans to turn the Sistine Chapel into an Air B & B as was previously rumored.”
– Tommy Middlefinger
“Talking to you is like trying to get the government out of my jockey shorts with chopsticks.”
– traditional Chinese insult overheard at the Tariff Negotiations in Geneva. May 15, 2025.
