Author Archive for M. Toole
Paul’s looks closed today….
La Favorita for decades just outside of Taos, New Mexico
Local Man Wins RV Races
(Mañana, CO — Mudhumpers Gazette — August 5, 2016)
Melvin Toole, 77 of 558399733668844 Road here has claimed first prize in the annual Recreational Vehicle Sprint held at the Montrose Water Park. The 2016 Senior Games champion, sporting a 700-foot long Cherokee, 5th Wheel, Stiff Neck Turbo plus One, turned in times of 45.6 and 46.2 barely edging out a husband and wife team from Moline who were disqualified for dirty rigs.
Beth and Walter Whisper of Cedaredge are protesting the decision to award the prize money to Toole. They say they beat his self-contained eunuch, navigated by a pet terrier named Rothschild Broom Hilda, who won the barrel racing and parallel parking competitions paws down the previous afternoon.
Although legally blind, Toole remains instrument rated and plays commercial radio full blast to keep from falling asleep at the wheel. Readers may remember that Toole was disqualified in the 2014 and 2015 races for failure to wear a seatbelt during the proceedings. He was not wearing pants either.
However, due to chronic crowding at local jailhouses, Toole was issued a warning and told to go finish dressing before he returned to town. A tennis enthusiast, the former Big Tire shaman, watches at least 15 hours of television per day and writes to his Congressmen.
– Muriel Armbruster
“A politician doesn’t steal elections. He pays for them.”
– written on the wall in the Congressional Ethics Committee men’s room
Laugh Congress out of Office
(Ark, Arkadelphia — Gov’ment Is Your Friend — August 4, 2016)
Sometimes the voting box just don’t get it done. That’s why three local activists have organized a state-condoned Laugh-A-Thon scheduled from now through October. Supporters are asked to assemble in public places all over the country and giggle, chortle, snicker and teehee the current silver-spoon, dead weight out of office.
And since laughter is known to be contagious other interested parties are welcome to take part in the colossal, continental demonstrations.
“The idea is to bring attention to the deplorable state of government at all levels here in the United States,” said Melvin Toole, head cackler of the Laugh-A-Thon. “The underlying system is rotten, based on false hopes and accrued wealth.”
A simulated laugh event was held in Bopal, India last month with great response.
Plans to rattle the walls in Washington acknowledge the vast problems exist and recognize that laughter, while the best medicine, may not have an immediate impact due to long practiced corruption and a naive, well entrenched peasantry that will never comprehend what is going down around them.
“It may take a more than a few chuckles to pry these parasites from the power base but it beats sitting around watching television,” said a second guffaw source. “We plan to localize the effort later in the summer with laughter sessions in small towns and rural counties across this great land.”
Grass roots as it may be, only time will tell if the nation’s hard-pressed puritans, not likely to crack so much as a small a smile, will get behind this hilarious effort.
– Tommy Middlefinger
“The nation is ruined yet the mountains and the rivers remain.”
– Tu Fu, Dang Dynasty, 900 AD
No, vacant Walmart isn’t to be a community pot garden
Remember the poster that invited people to a Community Pot Garden back a week or so ago? It got some pretty funny response close to home in Juneau. We cannot say any more until our lawyer wakes from his afternoon nap.
By SAM DeGRAVE
JUNEAU EMPIRE, August 4, 2016
Several fliers have recently been posted on bulletin boards downtown advertising a “community pot garden” in the vacant Walmart building off Glacier Highway.
“Former superstore means lots of room!” the fliers read. “Communal care brings back the ‘60s!”
The fliers also promote “expert advice” and “24-hour armed security.” Unfortunately for any aspiring growers, one thing the fliers don’t advertise is a contact number for any interested parties. And nobody in Juneau’s cannabis community seems to know who is behind them.
“I thought that was kind of strange when I saw it; it definitely caught me off-guard,” said James Barrett, co-owner of Rainforest Farms LLC, a cannabis business in Juneau. Barrett also serves as an administrator for Southeast Alaska Cannabis Culture, a Facebook group “to post anything cannabis related.
But if these fliers still have your green thumb itching, prepare to be disappointed. The empty big-box store won’t be returning anybody to the era of flower power as advertised.
Walmart spokesperson Delia Garcia told the Empire that though the company is still actively marketing the property, a community pot garden “would be inconsistent with how Walmart has re-tenanted its properties in the past.”
Garcia wouldn’t comment further on the flier, nor would she confirm whether anybody had approached the company about turning the building into a community garden.
Regardless of what Walmart has in store for its former Juneau location, repurposing it as the fliers suggest wouldn’t work.
“I don’t see any way a community pot garden could be possible in Walmart,” Loren Jones told the Empire Friday morning.
Jones is a member of the Juneau Assembly and the Alaska Marijuana Control Board. He doesn’t speak for either organization, but being involved with each has allowed him to familiarize himself with the state’s marijuana regulations, which he said would prohibit the proposed pot garden.
House Bill 75, a marijuana bill that worked its way through the state House and Senate during the legislative session, became effective under state law Thursday. It allows each Alaska resident at least 21 years old to grow up to six marijuana plants — only three of which can be mature — in his or her home. But it caps the total number of plants allowed in one household at 12.
This means that even if three or more people, all of whom were older than 21, were sharing a house, they still couldn’t grow more than a dozen plants. (The law also dictates that only six of those could be mature at one time.)
This is the first of many problems with the pot garden proposal.
If somebody were to buy Walmart, which is currently for sale with an asking price of $2.5 million, he or she would only be able to grow 12 marijuana plants in the massive 121,640-square-foot facility. That’s one heck of a power bill for a dozen plants.
“The limit of 12 plants alone would eliminate that,” Jones said of the community garden. “It would have to be a full-blown commercial operation.”
But even then, the garden wouldn’t be able to function like most community gardens because each person involved in the operation would need the marijuana handler permit required by state law. Each gardener would also have to be employed by whomever owned the whole operation in order to grow in the building.
The real kicker, though, is that no one would be able to take his or her crop home at the end of the day. State regulations prohibit commercial growers from distributing their products to any person or entity other than another licensed business, be it a retailer or a processor.
It’s unlikely that Alaskans will see community marijuana gardens in the former big-box store or anywhere else without substantial changes to the law.
• Contact reporter Sam DeGrave at 523-2279 or sam.degrave@juneauempire.com.
Rockies Dar Castro a Look
(Blake Street – El Curveball Tropical – 18 de julio. 2016)
Las nuevas aventuras del personal de pitcheo Colorado Rockies ahora incluirán ex lanzador cubano y el presidente Fidel Castro. El equipo nacional de Liga planea trabajar el año de edad, durante el entrenamiento de primavera de r
El pensamiento arrojado incluso por sus más fieles seguidores en la isla de Cuba, Castro ha hecho resurgir en los últimos tiempos, compitiendo con algunos de los mejores jugadores en Cuba mientras se gira en estadísticas impresionantes. En sus años de juventud Castro tomó una decisión histórica entre la facultad de derecho y el béisbol luego se conformó con el dictador.
Ahora jubilado, que quiere jugar a la pelota de nuevo. Con el nuevo florecimiento diplomacia entre los EE.UU. y Cuba no debe enfrentar problemas de inmigración o de encontrarse a sí mismo acosado por las sombras feas de la deserción.
“Si sus piernas sostienen que yo creo que tiene un par de entradas a la izquierda,” dijo un escucha Rockies. “No le estamos esperando para robar una gran cantidad de bases o la cubierta del jardín central, sólo tirar strikes.”
Una figura imponente en el montículo durante décadas en la isla, Castro tiene años de intimidación efectiva en su haber. Si va a usar un uniforme del equipo reglamento o sus fatigas más familiares estarán hasta funcionarios de la liga que están monitoreando el evento con gran interés.
Castro se espera al entrenamiento para los Rockies en febrero en una instalación sin nombre en una fecha no revelada. Se espera que grandes multitudes. Las pruebas para el personal de socorro Colorado Rockies entonces comenzará en marzo. Se observará protocolo normal: La mujer y los niños primero.
Varios otros equipos, incluyendo los Dodgers y los Reales han abierto un diálogo con Castro y su agente Gabriel Márquez de Colombia. Márquez, un famoso novelista espera saldar su cliente aterrizar una posición de exploración en el Barranquilla antes de Carnaval.
Si Castro hace el corte que se saltará los menores debido a su avanzada edad.
– Cachemira Herradura
